Parenting Tools For Postive Behavior Change (Part 2 of 2)
The 2nd part of "Parenting Tools For Postive Behavior Change".
(Continued from Section 1) STOP INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR: - Intervene non-coercively (stay cool, calm, and collected) - Get physically close to the child (within arms reach) - Look at the child - Touch the child, if appropriate - Say "Stop (specify behavior)."
REDIRECT: - Redirect to a different behavior, logically related if possible - Say, "I want you to (specify behavior you want)." - Use minimal additional prompts when necessary
GIVE POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES: - Use praise. Say, "That's right!" or "Good job!" - Use this time to "stay close." - Provide the positive consequence within 3 seconds TOOL #5 STEPS: 1) Get within arms reach of the child 2) Say, "Stop (state behavior)" or something similar such as "don't' hit." 3) Redirect to a different behavior, logically related if possible. 4) Ignore any junk behavior in the process 5) Provide a positive consequence for the appropriate redirected behavior (praise, item/thing, touch). 6) Provide the positive consequence within 3 seconds after the appropriate behavior begins (sometimes the stopping of junk is the appropriate behavior). 7) Stay cool throughout the process. ROLE PLAY - TOOL #5 CHILD: Jumping and running in the house. PARENT: "Stop jumping and running in the house." " Get your ball and go outside." Smile and say, "Thank you."
CHILD: Poking baby brother. PARENT: "Stop poking your brother." "You can stroke him gently like this." Smile, put your arm around the child and say, "That's nice!"
CHILD: Banging with the dust broom on the floor. PARENT: "Stop banging the floor with the broom." " You can sweep this corner with the broom." Smile and say, "This is great. You're a big help. Thank you." TOOL #6 - SETTING EXPECTATIONS: In this section, you will learn:
You let the child know what behavior is expected and what the consequences are for meeting and not meeting the expectations.
PART 1: Set the expectation.
PICK A TIME:
Plan the time
You are both calm
Away from the behavior
Convenient for both of you
Adequate length of time
PICK A PLACE:
Plan the place
That is quiet
Where you won't be interrupted
That is neutral
SET A POSITIVE TONE: Think about it first
Praise the child for doing to the expected behavior in the past. Say something lie, "I really liked it when you washed and dried the dishes right after dinner on Thursday night."
If the expected behavior has never happened, think of something similar
STATE THE EXPECTATION:
Tell the child clearly what specific appropriate behavior you expect.
Say in a calm manner, "I expect you to _______." Or " I want you to _______."
BRIEFLY REFLECT THE CHILS FEELINGS (EMPATHY):
If there is negative response or protest acknowledge it briefly.
Say something like, "I understand your feelings."
Lead directly to the expectations.
BENEFITS TO THE CHILD:
Be prepared to briefly explain to the child why it is good for them to do this behavior (health, safety and well-being). - This motivates the child to listen in what might be a difficult situation.
IGNORE THE JUNK BEHAVIOR:
Avoid using coercives such as arguing, lecturing, or being sarcastic/logic
Return to the expectation.
ASK THE CHILD TO RESTATE THE EXPECTED BEHAVIOR:
Say, "What behavior do I expect from you?"
If you need to, ask the question again and again (broken record approach).
Prompt younger children as much as necessary
ACKNOWLEDGE AND PRAISE THE CHILDS RESTATEMENT OF THE EXPECTATION:
Sat something like, "Good, you understand what I want you to do."
PART 2: CONSEQUENCES
STATE CLEARLY THE CPNSEQUENCE FOR MEETING AND NOT MEETING THE EXPECTATION: Consequences should be:
Positive (giving not taking away, not a threat)
Reasonable, controllable, and non-punishing to you
Appropriate to the situation, as possible If the expectation is not met, the child gives up the positive consequence.
NEGOTIATE AS NECESSARY:
Remember, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior
If your child has been responsible in the past, then maybe you can negotiate the terms.
If you child usually does things other than what you want, then you wait to negotiate until after the child has been doing the behavior you want for a period of time.
ASK THE CHILD TO RESTATE THE BEHAVIOR AND CONQUENCES:
Have the child tell you the whole plan now.
Remember: they are giving up the positive consequence by not doing the expected behavior. You are not taking it away.
ACKNOWLEDGE AND PRAISE THE CHILDS RESTATEMENT:
Praise this even if they tell you with an "attitude', grudgingly, or sullenly.
Ignore the junk behavior (rolling eyes, heavy sighing)
Use empathy and understanding, but keep cool and stay on course.
If the child protests more than three times, terminate the discussion.
Try again later, when the emotions are calm
AFTER SETTING EXPECTATIONS:
Give the treatment time to work. Look for the improvement in a week to ten days.
Restudy the consequences
Make adjustments. If you don't see an improvement. Don't expect miracles, be systematic
Acknowledge, in a positive way, when the expectation is met.
ROLE-PLAY: Situation: Parent and Child are sitting in the den reading. Parent will set expectation with child about cleaning room.
Parent: Mary, I would like to talk with you about your room
Child: OK Mom, what's up?
Parent: I want to set up some expectations.
Child: (sighing) Mom, I'm reading a book right now.
Parent: Mary, I understand your feelings.
Child: (sarcastic tone of voice) Well, what is it?
Parent: I want you to keep your room clean 4 days out of 5-day school week. Keeping your room clean will teach you how to care for your belongings and keep you safe from tripping over anything.
Child: (whining) Mom!
Parent: Now, what behavior do I want from you?
Child: (no response)
Parent: Susie, what do I want from you?
Child: (grudgingly) You want me to clean my room 4 days out of 5.
Parent: Good, you understand what I want from you. Now, if you clean your room 5 days out of 7, you will be allowed to sleep in on Saturday.
Child: (excited) Really!
Parent: Yes, however, if you do not keep your room clean 4 days out of the 5-day school week, you will be unable to sleep in on Saturday.
Child: (no response)
Parent: OK. Now what do I want from you and what do you earn of you do it?
Child: You want me to keep my room clean 4 days out of 5 and if I do, then I can sleep in on Saturday, but if I don't, then I cant sleep in.
Parent: (appropriate tone of voice) Susie, I'm so glad that you understand what I want from you (pats on back). KEY WORDS ARE CHOICE AND EARN. THE CHID ALWAYS HAS THE CHOICE AND THE CONSEQUENCE (POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE) IS WHAT HE/SHE EARNED.
TOOL #7 - USING A CONTRACT: In this section, you will learn:
When to wrote a contract
What are the parts of a contract
What type of contract to write
How to write a contract
How to implement a contract
You make a written agreement with the child that identifies the expectations and consequences for meeting and not meeting the expectations.
WHEN DO I USE A CONTRACT:
When setting expectations is not enough
The child's behavior continues to be, inconsistent after you set expectations.
The child needs more structure.
When the child has a history of compliance with contracts.
When you are inconsistent in delivering consequences (helps you stay on track).
When you need a written record (Documentation)
When you have a multiple children and multiple expectations (helps you stay organized).
When the behavior you expect:
Important behavior (taking medication, wearing glasses)
Long-term behavior (brushing teeth, making bed)
WHAT'S IN A CONTRACT:
Exactly what appropriate behavior is expected
When and how often the appropriate behavior is expected
What the short-term consequences are for meeting and not meeting the expectation.
What the long-term consequences are for meeting and not meeting the expectations.
When the contract begins and ends.
When the contract will be reviewed (daily/weekly).
Don't let things slide.
Review the contract regularly and make changes as needed.
HOW DO I USE THE CONTRACT DAILY:
If the expectations WAS met:
Look at the contract with the child and deliver the positive consequence (sticker, watch TV show)
If the expectation WAS NOT met:
Look at the contract with the child. If the task was no completed, the child gives up the privilege.
HOW DO I USE THE CONTRACT WEEKLY:
Meet with the child once a week to discuss progress and any problems. If necessary, have the child restate the expectation.
If the expectation was met and there is a weekly consequence, deliver it (friend stay over)
SAMPLE CONTRACT A: Marie and Mommy will go to the circus on Saturday if Marie takes her bath quietly every night for one week, beginning tonight. Marie will get to paste a clown sticker on the chart before bed if she takes her bath quietly.
SUN MON TUE WED THU FRI SAT SAMPLE CONTRACT B: Date begins: December 1st. 1) Johnny will be home from school by 4:30 pm every day for one week and complete his homework by bedtime. 2) Each day he is on time and his homework is complete; we will extend his bedtime for thirty minutes. 3) Every day at 4:30 we will mark the calendar with an X if he is on time or leave it blank, if he is not. At 9:30, bedtime, if the homework is finished, we will mark an X on the calendar or leave it blank, if it is not. If there are two X's, Johnny may stay up for another thirty minutes. 4) On Saturday, morning, if Johnny has been on time for the entire school week and completed his homework each night, he will receive a gift certificate for $12.00 from the music store. If there is weekend homework, Johnny will complete that homework by bedtime on Sunday (instead of Friday) evening in order to receive the extra thirty minutes. 5) We will review this contract after one week, on Saturday morning, to decide if it needs to be changed for the next week and a monthly privilege negotiated to work toward.
I agree to the above contract:
_______________________________________________________________________ Johnny Mom and Dad Date __________________ Situation A: Tim Tim is ten years old and hates to take a shower. His parents have sat down and set expectations and consequences with him, but after about four days Tim begins to "forget" to shower. They want to write a contract with Tim and see how it works. They used little charts with smiley faces when Tim was younger and he responded great to those.
They know Tim really loves to skateboard with his friends every day after school and wants to buy new wheels. He has been hinting to them that he would like to earn the new wheels from them. Tim's parents really want to find a way to make taking a shower right before bedtime, including washing his hair every day, a part of Tim's every day routine.
Daily Targeted Behavior: 1) Describe the daily behavior you expect from Tim? 2) When do you expect the behavior during the day? 3) If Tim does this everyday, what will happen? 4) When will you review the daily behavior? Weekly Targeted Behavior: 5) Describe the weekly behavior you expect from Tim? 6) If Tim does this weekly, what will happen? 7) When will you review the weekly behavior? TOOL #8 TIME-OUT: In this section, you will learn:
Who to use time-out with
What behaviors to use time-out for
Where is the best location for time-out
When to let children out of time-out
How to use time-out, effectively
You interrupt a child's out-of-control behavior to minimize consequences and allow you to attend to appropriate behaviors after the child has maintained a brief period of "calm."
THE WHO, WHAT WHERE, AND HOW OF TIME-OUT:
Who do I use time-out with?
What behavior should I use time-out for?
Where is the best location for time-out?
When do I allow my child out of time-out?
WHO?: Do not use time-out IF:
The child is large enough to hurt you or get hurt
The child is smaller, but has hurt you or gotten hurt during time-out
The child can not walk (you can change the environment, removing them isn't necessary)
Behavior that is harmful to self, person, or property
Behavior that has not been responsive to "stop, redirect and give positive consequence"
Behavior that cannot be ignored
Behavior that is precisely defined (hitting your sister will equal a time-out)
Safe and healthy place (not the bathroom)
No toys, TV, radio or other distracting items close by
An unlocked area
Large enough to be comfortable
Within hearing distance of an adult
Within sight of an adult
Not punishing (standing with nose to corner)
HOW LONG?: Children three years old and under: no longer than 1 minute of calm
If after 15 minutes the child is not calm, significantly shorten the time and release the child immediately.
Children four years old and above up to 3 minutes of calm
If after thirty minutes the child is not calm, significantly shorten the time and release the child immediately.
BEFORE USING TIME-OUT:
Before you use time-out with your child for the first time, schedule time with the child to explain and role-play time-out
Before you begin time-out, decide how long the child must be calm before being release.
REMEMBER TIME-OUT IS NOT A PUNISHMENT, BUT A CHANCE TO REGAIN CONTROL OF SELF. What is CALM? Calm is once the child is stopped crying, whining, etc., and has regained a sense of self-control.
Slow rhythmic breathing
Quiet whiling sitting, standing or laying down
EXAMPLES OF NOT BEING CALM:
Attempting to talk with you
Steps of Time-Out: 1) Stay cool 2) Say, "You may not (state behavior. You need to go to time-out" 3) Ignore junk behavior-do not respond verbally to the child. 4) Say, "You need to remain calm for X minutes (not to exceed five). The time will start when you are calm." 5) Begin the time (the duration in step four) when the child is calm. 6) Restart the time if the child does not remain calm. 7) Ask the child, "Are you ready to get out?" 8) Ask the child, "What happened?" 9) Ask the child, "When you're upset, what could you do instead?" 10) Present expectations, if any, before rejoining, if appropriate. If child does not remain calm, restart the time. 11) When the time-out is complete re-direct the child to an appropriate related behavior/activity. 12) Praise the redirected appropriate behavior. 13) STAY COOL. Situation: Four year-old Jenny is upset with having a new baby brother. Jenny is throwing toys at the baby. Mommy intervenes, "Jenny, you may not throw toys at the baby. You need to go to time-out." Jenny throws herself on the floor screaming and crying, "I don't want a time-out." Mommy picks Jenny up and takes her to the appropriate location for time-out. Mommy says, "Jenny you need to remain calm for 3 minutes. Your time-out will start when you are calm." Jenny cries and whines for a few more minutes about how she wasn't doing anything wrong. Jenny stops crying and mommy makes a mental note that time has started. However, Jenny starts yelling about how she hates her new baby brother and wished he never came. Mom restarts Jenny's time when she has stopped yelling. Jenny has remained calm for three minutes. Mommy asks Jenny, "Are you ready to get out?" Jenny whines, "yes." Mommy asks Jenny, "What happened?" Jenny says, "I was throwing toys at my baby brother." Mommy says, "Jenny when you're upset with someone/something, what can you do instead (state behavior)?" Jenny says, "I can come tell you I'm mad." Now mommy tells Jenny, "I expect you to play nicely with your brother. Why don't you color a picture for you brother." Jenny has taken out her coloring book and is coloring quietly now. "Jenny you're doing a wonderful job coloring the picture." TOOL #9 ABC's of Assessing Behavior: You will learn:
To identify antecedents, behavior and consequences
To assess behavior and develop a plan to change the behavior
To look at what happens right before and what happens right after behavior, to figure out why the behavior is happening and what you can do to change it.
B stands for BEHAVIOR:
Behavior is anything a person does that can be observed and measured.
What does it look like?
How long does it last?
How often does it happen?
LOOK FOR THE CLUES:
Does the child hit hard enough to cause harm?
Does he walk away from the house for 10 minutes to 2 hours?
Has she done this several time or is it the first time?
When the twins were hitting each other, did they laugh or cry?
Decide if it is junk behavior and can be ignored.
Decide what is the appropriate behavior you want
C stands for CONSEQUECE:
A consequence is what happens right after the behavior.
What is going on right after the behavior?
Why do they do the behavior? (What is the pay off?)
LOOK FOR THE CLUES:
When she starts whining does dad pick her up and hug her? Does he yell ay her?
Dos mom lead and act desperate when the kids don't do their chores?
Do I spend more time with Junior after he has "acted up" than when he plays nicely?
When she yells at the teacher does she get sent to the office and miss math or English?
Arrange the environment to change the behavior.
A stands for ANTECEDENT:
An antecedent is what happens before the behavior. It is a trigger for that behavior.
What is going on before the behavior happened? What triggers the behavior to begin?
LOOK FOR THE CLUES:
Where does the behavior happen?
Who is there?
What type of activity is going on?
How has the child been sleeping?
Did something happen in school?
What time does it happen?
Does the child ever behave differently in the same situation?
Decide what is in your control
SELF-CONTROL: - Self-Control is when you have control over your emotions and actions.
Identify behavior that lacks self-control
Identify situations that are stressful to you (triggers you)
Identify what happens when you are not in control.
Rehearse to prompt yourself before these situations occur.
Enjoy your successes.
IF YOU LOSE CONTROL…. (AND BLOW-UP):
Interrupt it, stop it short
Leave (remove yourself from the situation)
Model appropriate ways to recover when you do lose it
Use the negative interaction as a learning experience, analyze it, and make it better next time.
STRESS RATING SCALE: Holmes and Rahe developed this scale to rate the amount of stress by many changes in life: major and minor, pleasant and unpleasant. To obtain the ones that applies to you (within the last year) and then adds up the total. Follow up studies show that people who accumulate more than 200 points in a year are high risks for physical and psychological stress-relates illnesses.
1) Death of Spouse = 10 2) Divorce = 73 3) Marital separation from mate = 65 4) Detention in jail or other institution = 63 5) Death of a close family member = 63 6) Major personal injury or illness = 53 7) Marriage = 50 8) Being fired at work = 47 9) Marital reconciliation with mate = 45 10) Retirement from work = 45 11) Major changes in the health or behavior of a family member = 44 12) Pregnancy = 40 13) Sexual difficulties = 39 14) Gaining a new family member (birth, adoption) = 39 15) Major business readjustment = 39 16) Major change in financial state = 38 17) Death of a close friend = 37 18) Changing to a different line of work = 36 19) Major change in the # of arguments with spouse (either a lot more or a lot less that usual regarding childrearing and personal habits) = 35 20) Taking out a mortgage or loan for a major purchase = 31 21) Foreclosure on mortgage or loan = 30 22) Major change in responsibilities at work = 29 23) Son or Daughter leaving home (marriage, college) = 29 24) Trouble with in-laws = 29 25) Outstanding personal achievements = 28 26) Wife beginning or ceasing work outside of home = 26 27) Beginning or ceasing formal schooling = 26 28) Major change in living conditions = 25 29) Revision of personal habits = 24 30) Trouble with boss = 23 31) Major change in working hours or conditions = 20 32) Change in residence = 20 33) Change to a new school = 20 34) Major change in usual type and/or amount or recreation = 19 35) Major change in church activities = 19 36) Major change in social activities = 18 37) Taking out a mortgage or loan on a lesser purchase = 17 38) Major change in sleeping habits = 16 39) Major change in eating habits = 15 40) Vacation = 1 41) Christmas = 12 42) Minor violations with the law = 11 RELIEVE YOUR STRESS AND INCREASE YOUR SELF-CONTROL:
Prepare before the situation
Use positive self-talk. Say to yourself, "Be calm, you're okay, take it easy."
Take deep breaths.
LOOK FOR THE CLUES IN YOUR BEHAVIOR: - Do you use coercion in your interactions with your child? LOOK FOR THE CLUES IN THE CONSEQUENCES:
Have I not been getting enough sleep?
Am I under a lot of stress at work?
Am I taking care of my health?
Have I handled this situation differently in the past?
YOU MUST MAKE POSITIVE CHANGES IN YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR BEFORE YOU CAN EXPECT POSITIVE CHANGE FROM YOUR CHILD.
IF YOU CANNOT HANLDE THE SITUATION, WALK AWAY; RETURN WHEN YOU HAVE ACHIEVED SELF-CONTROL.