Parenting Tools For Positive Behavior Change (Part 1 of 2)
First part of "Parenting Tools For Positive Behavior Change".
In this article, you will learn:
What Behavior is What "Junk" Behavior is The Difference Between Negative and Positive Parenting The Eight Kinds of Coercion used in Parenting The Principle of Behavior as the Basis for Positive Parenting Skills The "Tools" Needed for Positive Behavior Change
BEHAVIOR: Anything a Person Does That Can Be Observed and Measured. EXAMPLES OF BEHAVIOR:
Talking on the Phone Dancing Hitting a Baseball Eating dinner
DEFINTION OF JUNK BEHAVIOR: Any Age Typical Behavior That May Be Annoying, but is Not Harmful to Self, Others, or Property. EXAMPLES OF JUNK BEHAVIOR:
Whining Stomping Feet Mumbling Under Breath Rolling eyes
POSITIVE ATTENTION IS THE MOST POWERFUL CONSEQUENCE AVAILABLE TO YOU.
Positive Parenting increases the number of positive interactions between the parent and child.
POSITIVE PROACTIVE PARENTING IS WHEN PARENTS:
Show the child which behavior they like by giving positive consequences (i.e., attention). Recognize inappropriate behavior as a need to teach appropriate behavior ("Do it this way"). Establish themselves as safe persons to be around Maintain self-control Have a plan Practice parenting tools for positive behavior change.
NEGATIVE REACTIVE PARENTING IS WHEN PARENTS:
Look for what the child is doing wrong and try to weaken that behavior. Recognize negative behavior as a need to teach the child a lesson. Establish themselves as unsafe to be around. Allow parenting to be controlled by their need. Do not have a plan. Do not practice parenting tools for positive behavior change.
EIGHT KINDS OF COERCION:Criticism: Putting the child down Sarcasm/Teasing: Making fun of the child or "teasing." Threats: Threatening some negative consequence. Arguing: Attempting to "force" the child to argue with him, thus the parent feels he must respond to any objection by the child. Despair, Pleading, Hopelessness: Making the child feels guilty. Logic: Putting the child down by showing how illogical their behavior is. Questioning: Asking question that the parent knows the child does not have any good answers to. Force (physical or verbal): Causing pain or creating fear in the child.
Situation A Your fifteen year-old son is late for his curfew and you just grounded him. He is pleading for a reprieve, just for this one night, so he can go to the opening of a new movie theater.
Parent: "Listen, you can talk till you are blue in the face, but there is nothing you can say that will change my mind. Go ahead and try me………..Come on, let's hear it."
WHAT COERCIVE BEHAVIOR IS BEING USED? #4: Arguing WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY? Insert your own answer Situation B Your ten year-old daughter has come in one hour late from playing outside. Parent: "I can't believe you are late. You know exactly when you are supposed to be here. What having you been doing? Why are you so late? Who have you been with?"
WHAT COERCIVE BEHAVIOR IS BEING USED? #7: Questioning WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY? Situation C You are in the car with your three year-old daughter and she keeps unfastening the seat belt around the car seat.
Parent: "Megan, you have to stay in your car seat because if you don't use we could get in an accident and you could get very hurt. Car seats are designed to keep that from happening. Do you understand?"
WHAT COERCIVE BEHAVIOR IS BEING USED? #6: Logic WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY? Situation D Mark is seventeen and using profane language while talking with his mother. Parent: If you talk to me like that one more time, I am going to take away the car, ground, you and you won't be using the phone for a month.
WHAT COERCIVE BEHAVIOR IS BEING USED? #3: Threats WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY? Situation E Your daughter, Sara, who is thirteen, has just come into the kitchen to grab something to eat before she goes to school. You glance at her very short skirt, skimpy top, and heavy make-up and say: Parent: "I can't believe you are going to school looking like that. Sometimes I don't think you have a brain in your head-if you could only see how you look."
WHAT COERCIVE BEHAVIOR IS BEING USED? #1: Criticism WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY? Situation F John is your eight year old, has just hit his five-year-old brother for going into his room without permission.
Parent: "Gee John, you're really a tough guy hitting on your little brother, aren't you?"
WHAT COERCIVE BEHAVIOR IS BEING USED? #2: Sarcasm/Teasing WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENLY? Situation G Your sixteen-year-old son is about to leave to meet friends you know are bad for him to be around.
Parent: (SCREAMING) "I have told you that you can't go. You are going to have to go through me to get out this door, and believe me, I won't make it easy!"
WHAT COERCIVE BEHAVIOR IS BEING USED? #8: Force (Physical/Verbal) WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY? Situation H Your eleven-year-old son refuses to take showers on a regular basis. It is a continual struggle.
Parent: (Your chin drops down, the shoulders droop, the spine slouches, the hands limp and lifeless at your sides, you walk with a shuffle) "I give up. I don't know what else to say, to do. I've tried everything and you still want to smell like a pig. Don't you know I love you and just want you to be clean…"
WHAT COERCIVE BEHAVIOR IS BEING USED? #5: Despair, Pleading, Hopelessness WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY?
RESULTS OF NEGATIVE COERCIVE PARENTING
Learn Coercive Behavior Try to Avoid Coercive Behavior by Escaping and Lying Try to Get Even Become Afraid that they Will Fail Receive Attention for inappropriate Behavior
STOP! Coercion Produces Only Short-Term Compliance Followed by Long-Term Losses.
POSITIVE PARENTING POINTS:
-Positive parenting must be tailored for each child
- What works for one child does not always work for another. - What works for one child might not work with the same child tomorrow.
POSITIVE PARENTING IS A JOURNEY, NOT A DESTINATION!
THE FIVE PRINCIPLES OF BEHAVIOR:
1) Behavior is largely a product of its immediate environment. YOUR JOB: Create the most positive environment possible. Change the environment and the behavior will change.
2) Behavior is strengthened or weakened by its consequences. YOUR JOB: Identify the behaviors you want to strengthen or weaken, and deliver, or withhold, the appropriate consequences.
3) In the long run, behavior responds better to positive consequences. YOUR JOB: Provide positive consequences (Do not use coercives!).
4) Whether our actions have strengthened or weakened someone's behavior can only be seen by how that person behaves in the future. YOUR JOB: Be patient and consistent. Wait two weeks and see. Record behavior. If what you're doing works-keep it. If not, go back to the tools and see how they can be used differently.
5) Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. YOUR JOB: Remember past experience…… Don't ground a child if he already has proven he will just run away.
PARENTING TOOLS FOR POSITIVE BEHAVIOR CHANGE
Tool #1: Staying Close Tool #2: Giving Positive Consequences Tool #3: Ignoring Junk Behavior Tool #4: Giving Positive Consequences for the Appropriate Behavior of Another Child Tool #5: Stop-Redirect-Give Positive Consequences Tool #6: Setting Expectations Tool #7: Using a Contract Tool# 8: Time-out Tool #9: ABCs of Assessing Behavior TOOL #1 - STAYING CLOSE: In this section, you will learn: "Staying Close" to your children is the foundation for positive parenting The benefits of "Staying Close" to you and your children When to "Stay Close" The steps to take to "Stay Close" BY STAYING CLOSE: You create a safe, positive environment and establish yourself as a source of caring, empathy and positive consequences.
STAYING CLOSE IS:Being Near Touching Being Attentive "Just" talking Smiling Listening Showing you care STAYING CLOSE IS NOT :Lecturing Setting the Record Straight Moralizing Being Judgmental BENEFITS OF STAYING CLOSE: You will: Learn about your children (their interests, what they value, what they like to do, what they like/dislike). Share a greater interest in your children's activities (music, sports, comic books, etc.) Build the foundation for a good relationship.
WHEN TO STAY CLOSE: When you are just spending quality time with your child and "just talking" or "shooting the breeze." Children will care about what you say, your approval and disapproval will be important (because you are important to your child). Children will learn good communication skills and how to stay close (these are learned and you are the role model). When you may be discussing a "hot topic" regarding the behavior of another person or the behavior of your child. Children will listen to your expectations, advice e, etc., (because you listen to them).
THE CLOSER YOU ARE TO YOUR CHILDREN, THE GREATER THE INFLUENCE YOU CAN HAVE ON THEM
HOW TO STAY CLOSE:
Be physically close Touch appropriately Show appropriate facial expressions Use the appropriate tone of voice Show appropriate body language Listen while the child speaks Show empathy (make empathetic statements) Ask open-ended, positive questions Ignore the junk behavior
BE PHYISCALLY CLOSE:
Move toward your child Be within arms length of your child Go for a walk, sit on the couch, go to their room, etc.
Pat them Touch their shoulder Scratch their back Rub their back Hug them Kiss them
SHOW APPROPRIATE FACIAL EXPRESSION:
Reflect the emotion of the situation Don't send one message with your words and a different one with your "look."
USE THE APPROPRIATE TONE OF VOICE:
Your voice should match the situation Remember, "It's not what you say, but how you say it that counts."
SHOW APPROPRIATE BODY LANGUAGE:
Be relaxed Open your arms Make eye contact Face the child
SCRIPT A SITUATION: The parent and child are preparing dinner in the kitchen.
PARENT: I really appreciate you helping with dinner tonight.
CHILD: Mmmmmmmm (Pause for 5 seconds)
PARENT: What is it honey?
CHILD: My friend Anna is talking about running away from home. She asked me to go with her.
PARENT: Is that so. How do you feel about that?
CHILD: Well, I don't want to run away and I don't want her to run away her to run away either. I don't know what to do.
PARENT: The situation must be pretty difficult for you.
CHILD: Yeah, really.
PARENT: Honey, thanks for telling me, I'm awfully glad you don't want to run away.
WHAT THE LISTENER BELIEVES:
55% Non-verbals 7% Word message 38% Tone of voice
Do not take over the conversation. Do not interrupt You cannot listen to your child unless you first stop talking.
SHOW EMPATHY: Let the children know you hear what they are saying and care about their feelings. Mirror how they are feeling. Make empathetic statements to let them know you understand. "Sounds like you had a good day." " That must have been rough."
SCRIPT B: SITUATION: Your child has just arrived home from school.
PARENT: Hi, (enter name)! How was school, today?
CHILD: Mmmmmm. It was pretty good.
PARENT: What did you do during your lunch break?
CHILD: I talked with a few friends and we played ball for a while.
PARENT: Sounds like you had a good time playing ball during lunch.
CHILD: Yeah. It was a pretty good time.
PARENT: (put your hand on the child's arm or around the shoulder) Well, I'm glad you had a good time. SCRIPT C: SITUATION: The parent and child are sitting in the yard.
CHILD: I have something to tell you, Mom/Dad.
PARENT: What is it, honey?
CHILD: When I visited my brother, he told me that the he's in a gang. He wanted me give me some drugs.
PARENT: (respond with an empathetic statement. Remember: Be physically close, show appropriate facial and body language, and tone of voice).
CHILD: (responds to parent's empathetic statement.)
PARENT: (continue "staying close")
STOP WHEN YOU BEGAN TO PROBLEM-SOLVE. ASK OPEN-ENDED POSITIVE QUESTIONS:
WHAT: "What happened next?"
HOW: "How did that make you feel?"
COULD: "Could you tell me more about that?" UNLESS WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO SAY OR DO, HAS A HIGH PROBABILITY OF MAKING THINGS BATTER, DON'T SAY IT AND DON'T DO IT! QUICK REVIEW:Be physically close Touch appropriately Show appropriate facial expressions Use appropriate tone of voice Use appropriate body language Listen while child is speaking Show empathetic statements Ask open-ended, positive questions Ignore junk behavior CONSEQUENCES PART 1: In this section, you will learn: What consequences are How to give positive consequences for appropriate behavior How to determine which behaviors are junk behaviors How to carefully and purposefully ignore junk behavior TOOL #2 - GIVING POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES: You focus primarily on building up appropriate behaviors with positive consequences.
TOOL #3 - IGNORING JUNK BEHAVIOR: You carefully ignore any age typical behavior that may be annoying, but is not harmful to any person or property.
CONSEQUENCE: A consequence is what happens right after behavior.
What are consequences? 1) Sixteen year-old Jane was driving 45 miles per hour in a 25 mile per hour zone and was given a speeding ticket. 2) Betty was playing with scissors and cut her hand. 3) Rosie correctly answered math problems and received an "A" on her math test. 4) Sarah drank too much beer and threw up all night. 5) Kyle put her crayons away 4 days out of 5 and earned a new coloring book.
POSITIVE ATTENTION IS THE MOST POWERFUL CONSEQUENCE AVAILIBLE TO YOU.
Examples of Verbal Praise
Examples that cost nothing
Stay up late
Way to go
Stay out late
Have a friend over
Go to friends house
Extra TV time
One less chore
Pick a movie
Mom/dad read story
Stay up late reading
Play game w/ mom/dad
I knew you could do it
I'm proud of you
Extra phone time
Plan the meal
Sit at head of table
Messy room for a day
What a good listener
Leave radio on at night
You figured it out
Good for you
Pick TV show
Pick an outing
Shorter study period
Trip to library/zoo
Pet store/park, etc
Permission for special event
Bike ride/fishing trip
Go grocery shopping
Trip to library/zoo
Pet store/park, etc
Permission for special event
Bike ride/fishing trip
Go grocery shopping
THE STEPS TO GIVING POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES: 1)Tell the child what appropriate behavior the child demonstrated. "Staying Close" Components: 2) Demonstrate close proximity 3) Demonstrate appropriate facial/body language 4) Demonstrate appropriate tone of voice 5) Provide a positive consequence that fits the appropriate behavior: - Verbal praise (use 8-9 words in 3-5 seconds) - Appropriate touch (hug, pat, high five, etc) - Tangible item "things" - Appropriate privilege 6) Provide the positive consequence within 3 seconds of recognizing the appropriate behavior.
REMEMBER ALL CHILDREN, IN THE COURSE OF A DAY, WILL DO OR SAY SOMETHING THAT IS WORTH GIVING A POSITIVE CONSEQUENCE.
KEEP YOUR EYES AND EARS OPEN AND YOUR ANTENNAE UP!!!
ROLE-PLAY A: CHILD: Is cleaning up his/her room on Saturday morning.
PARENT: Walks by and says, "You're doing good job!"
ROLE-PLAY B: CHILD: Is sharing her doll's clothes with her little sister.
PARENT: Sees this happen and says: "I'm happy you're sharing."
STEPS FOR IGNORING JUNK BEHAVIOR: 1) Avoid responding verbally to junk behavior. For example, "stop that now!" and "quit that!" 2) Avoid responding non-verbally to junk behavior (rolling your eyes, stomping out of the room, crossing your arms and staring, etc.) 3) Engage in activity independent of the child (give your attention to something or someone else). 4) When the appropriate behavior occurs, provide a positive consequence that fits it (verbal praise, appropriate touch, items, privileges). 5) Provide the positive consequence within 3 seconds after the appropriate behavior begins. (Sometimes the stopping of the junk behavior is the appropriate behavior).
BEWARE OF THE EXTINCTION BURST! Expect, just for a little while, things to get worse before they get better. CONSEQUENCES PART 2: You will learn: - How to ignore the junk behavior of one-child and give positive consequences for the appropriate behavior of another child. - How to stop inappropriate behavior, redirect to an appropriate behavior, and give positive consequences for the appropriate behavior.
TOOL #4 - IGNORING THE JUNK BEHAVIOR OF ONE CHILD AND GIVING POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR OF ANOTHER CHILD. - You carefully ignore the junk behavior of one child while giving positive consequences for the appropriate behavior of another child (pivoting).
TOOL #4 STEPS: 1) Avoid responding verbally to the junk behavior of one child. For example, "Stop that now" and "Quit that!" 2) Avoid responding non-verbally to the junk behavior of this child (rolling eyes, stomping out of room, crossing arms.) 3) Provide a positive consequence for the appropriate behavior of another child (praise, touch, item/thing, privilege) 4) Provide the positive consequence within 3 seconds of recognizing the appropriate behavior of this child. 5) Provide a positive consequence for the appropriate behavior of the child who had been displaying junk (praise, touch, item/privilege). 6) Provide the positive consequence within 3 seconds after the appropriate behavior begins. (Sometimes the stopping of junk is the appropriate behavior.) Continue to Part 2