Parenting Tools For Positive Behavior Change (Part 1 of 2)

First part of "Parenting Tools For Positive Behavior Change".

INTRODUCTION

In this article, you will learn:

    What Behavior is
    What "Junk" Behavior is
    The Difference Between Negative and Positive Parenting
    The Eight Kinds of Coercion used in Parenting
    The Principle of Behavior as the Basis for Positive Parenting Skills
    The "Tools" Needed for Positive Behavior Change
BEHAVIOR: Anything a Person Does That Can Be Observed and Measured.
EXAMPLES OF BEHAVIOR:
    Talking on the Phone
    Dancing
    Hitting a Baseball
    Eating dinner
DEFINTION OF JUNK BEHAVIOR:
Any Age Typical Behavior That May Be Annoying, but is Not Harmful to Self, Others, or Property.
EXAMPLES OF JUNK BEHAVIOR:
    Whining
    Stomping Feet
    Mumbling Under Breath
    Rolling eyes
POSITIVE ATTENTION IS THE MOST POWERFUL CONSEQUENCE AVAILABLE TO YOU.

Positive Parenting increases the number of positive interactions between the parent and child.

POSITIVE PROACTIVE PARENTING IS WHEN PARENTS:
    Show the child which behavior they like by giving positive consequences (i.e., attention).
    Recognize inappropriate behavior as a need to teach appropriate behavior ("Do it this way").
    Establish themselves as safe persons to be around
    Maintain self-control
    Have a plan
    Practice parenting tools for positive behavior change.
NEGATIVE REACTIVE PARENTING IS WHEN PARENTS:
    Look for what the child is doing wrong and try to weaken that behavior.
    Recognize negative behavior as a need to teach the child a lesson.
    Establish themselves as unsafe to be around.
    Allow parenting to be controlled by their need.
    Do not have a plan.
    Do not practice parenting tools for positive behavior change.

Coercion

EIGHT KINDS OF COERCION:
    Criticism: Putting the child down
    Sarcasm/Teasing: Making fun of the child or "teasing."
    Threats: Threatening some negative consequence.
    Arguing: Attempting to "force" the child to argue with him, thus the parent feels he must respond to any objection by the child.
    Despair, Pleading, Hopelessness: Making the child feels guilty.
    Logic: Putting the child down by showing how illogical their behavior is.
    Questioning: Asking question that the parent knows the child does not have any good answers to.
    Force (physical or verbal): Causing pain or creating fear in the child.

SITUATIONS

Situation A
Your fifteen year-old son is late for his curfew and you just grounded him. He is pleading for a reprieve, just for this one night, so he can go to the opening of a new movie theater.

Parent: "Listen, you can talk till you are blue in the face, but there is nothing you can say that will change my mind. Go ahead and try me………..Come on, let's hear it."

WHAT COERCIVE BEHAVIOR IS BEING USED?
#4: Arguing
WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY?
Insert your own answer
Situation B
Your ten year-old daughter has come in one hour late from playing outside.
Parent: "I can't believe you are late. You know exactly when you are supposed to be here. What having you been doing? Why are you so late? Who have you been with?"

WHAT COERCIVE BEHAVIOR IS BEING USED?
#7: Questioning
WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY?
Situation C
You are in the car with your three year-old daughter and she keeps unfastening the seat belt around the car seat.

Parent: "Megan, you have to stay in your car seat because if you don't use we could get in an accident and you could get very hurt. Car seats are designed to keep that from happening. Do you understand?"

WHAT COERCIVE BEHAVIOR IS BEING USED?
#6: Logic
WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY?
Situation D
Mark is seventeen and using profane language while talking with his mother.
Parent: If you talk to me like that one more time, I am going to take away the car, ground, you and you won't be using the phone for a month.

WHAT COERCIVE BEHAVIOR IS BEING USED?
#3: Threats
WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY?
Situation E
Your daughter, Sara, who is thirteen, has just come into the kitchen to grab something to eat before she goes to school. You glance at her very short skirt, skimpy top, and heavy make-up and say:
Parent: "I can't believe you are going to school looking like that. Sometimes I don't think you have a brain in your head-if you could only see how you look."

WHAT COERCIVE BEHAVIOR IS BEING USED?
#1: Criticism
WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY?
Situation F
John is your eight year old, has just hit his five-year-old brother for going into his room without permission.

Parent: "Gee John, you're really a tough guy hitting on your little brother, aren't you?"

WHAT COERCIVE BEHAVIOR IS BEING USED?
#2: Sarcasm/Teasing
WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENLY?
Situation G
Your sixteen-year-old son is about to leave to meet friends you know are bad for him to be around.

Parent: (SCREAMING) "I have told you that you can't go. You are going to have to go through me to get out this door, and believe me, I won't make it easy!"

WHAT COERCIVE BEHAVIOR IS BEING USED?
#8: Force (Physical/Verbal)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY?
Situation H
Your eleven-year-old son refuses to take showers on a regular basis. It is a continual struggle.

Parent: (Your chin drops down, the shoulders droop, the spine slouches, the hands limp and lifeless at your sides, you walk with a shuffle) "I give up. I don't know what else to say, to do. I've tried everything and you still want to smell like a pig. Don't you know I love you and just want you to be clean…"

WHAT COERCIVE BEHAVIOR IS BEING USED?
#5: Despair, Pleading, Hopelessness
WHAT WOULD YOU DO DIFFERENTLY?

RESULTS OF NEGATIVE COERCIVE PARENTING

Children will:
    Learn Coercive Behavior
    Try to Avoid Coercive Behavior by Escaping and Lying
    Try to Get Even
    Become Afraid that they Will Fail
    Receive Attention for inappropriate Behavior
STOP! Coercion Produces Only Short-Term Compliance Followed by Long-Term Losses.

POSITIVE PARENTING POINTS:

-Positive parenting must be tailored for each child

- What works for one child does not always work for another.
- What works for one child might not work with the same child tomorrow.

POSITIVE PARENTING IS A JOURNEY, NOT A DESTINATION!


THE FIVE PRINCIPLES OF BEHAVIOR:

1) Behavior is largely a product of its immediate environment.
YOUR JOB: Create the most positive environment possible. Change the environment and the behavior will change.

2) Behavior is strengthened or weakened by its consequences.
YOUR JOB: Identify the behaviors you want to strengthen or weaken, and deliver, or withhold, the appropriate consequences.

3) In the long run, behavior responds better to positive consequences.
YOUR JOB: Provide positive consequences (Do not use coercives!).

4) Whether our actions have strengthened or weakened someone's behavior can only be seen by how that person behaves in the future.
YOUR JOB: Be patient and consistent. Wait two weeks and see. Record behavior. If what you're doing works-keep it. If not, go back to the tools and see how they can be used differently.

5) Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
YOUR JOB: Remember past experience…… Don't ground a child if he already has proven he will just run away.

PARENTING TOOLS FOR POSITIVE BEHAVIOR CHANGE

    Tool #1: Staying Close
    Tool #2: Giving Positive Consequences
    Tool #3: Ignoring Junk Behavior
    Tool #4: Giving Positive Consequences for the Appropriate Behavior of Another Child
    Tool #5: Stop-Redirect-Give Positive Consequences
    Tool #6: Setting Expectations
    Tool #7: Using a Contract
    Tool# 8: Time-out
    Tool #9: ABCs of Assessing Behavior
TOOL #1 - STAYING CLOSE:
In this section, you will learn:
    "Staying Close" to your children is the foundation for positive parenting
    The benefits of "Staying Close" to you and your children
    When to "Stay Close"
    The steps to take to "Stay Close"
BY STAYING CLOSE: You create a safe, positive environment and establish yourself as a source of caring, empathy and positive consequences.

STAYING CLOSE IS:
    Being Near
    Touching
    Being Attentive
    "Just" talking
    Smiling
    Listening
    Showing you care
STAYING CLOSE IS NOT :
    Lecturing
    Setting the Record Straight
    Moralizing
    Being Judgmental
BENEFITS OF STAYING CLOSE:
You will:
Learn about your children (their interests, what they value, what they like to do, what they like/dislike).
Share a greater interest in your children's activities (music, sports, comic books, etc.)
Build the foundation for a good relationship.

WHEN TO STAY CLOSE:
When you are just spending quality time with your child and "just talking" or "shooting the breeze."
Children will care about what you say, your approval and disapproval will be important (because you are important to your child).
Children will learn good communication skills and how to stay close (these are learned and you are the role model).
When you may be discussing a "hot topic" regarding the behavior of another person or the behavior of your child.
Children will listen to your expectations, advice e, etc., (because you listen to them).


THE CLOSER YOU ARE TO YOUR CHILDREN, THE GREATER THE INFLUENCE YOU CAN HAVE ON THEM

HOW TO STAY CLOSE:
    Be physically close
    Touch appropriately
    Show appropriate facial expressions
    Use the appropriate tone of voice
    Show appropriate body language
    Listen while the child speaks
    Show empathy (make empathetic statements)
    Ask open-ended, positive questions
    Ignore the junk behavior
BE PHYISCALLY CLOSE:
    Move toward your child
    Be within arms length of your child
    Go for a walk, sit on the couch, go to their room, etc.
TOUCH APPROPRIAYELY:
    Pat them
    Touch their shoulder
    Scratch their back
    Rub their back
    Hug them
    Kiss them
SHOW APPROPRIATE FACIAL EXPRESSION:
    Reflect the emotion of the situation
    Don't send one message with your words and a different one with your "look."
USE THE APPROPRIATE TONE OF VOICE:
    Your voice should match the situation
    Remember, "It's not what you say, but how you say it that counts."
SHOW APPROPRIATE BODY LANGUAGE:
    Be relaxed
    Open your arms
    Make eye contact
    Face the child
SCRIPT A
SITUATION: The parent and child are preparing dinner in the kitchen.

PARENT: I really appreciate you helping with dinner tonight.

CHILD: Mmmmmmmm (Pause for 5 seconds)

PARENT: What is it honey?

CHILD: My friend Anna is talking about running away from home. She asked me to go with her.

PARENT: Is that so. How do you feel about that?

CHILD: Well, I don't want to run away and I don't want her to run away her to run away either. I don't know what to do.

PARENT: The situation must be pretty difficult for you.

CHILD: Yeah, really.

PARENT: Honey, thanks for telling me, I'm awfully glad you don't want to run away.

WHAT THE LISTENER BELIEVES:
    55% Non-verbals
    7% Word message
    38% Tone of voice
LISTEN:
    Do not take over the conversation.
    Do not interrupt
    You cannot listen to your child unless you first stop talking.
SHOW EMPATHY: Let the children know you hear what they are saying and care about their feelings. Mirror how they are feeling. Make empathetic statements to let them know you understand.
"Sounds like you had a good day."
" That must have been rough."

SCRIPT B: SITUATION: Your child has just arrived home from school.

PARENT: Hi, (enter name)! How was school, today?

CHILD: Mmmmmm. It was pretty good.

PARENT: What did you do during your lunch break?

CHILD: I talked with a few friends and we played ball for a while.

PARENT: Sounds like you had a good time playing ball during lunch.

CHILD: Yeah. It was a pretty good time.

PARENT: (put your hand on the child's arm or around the shoulder) Well, I'm glad you had a good time.
SCRIPT C: SITUATION: The parent and child are sitting in the yard.

CHILD: I have something to tell you, Mom/Dad.

PARENT: What is it, honey?

CHILD: When I visited my brother, he told me that the he's in a gang. He wanted me give me some drugs.

PARENT: (respond with an empathetic statement. Remember: Be physically close, show appropriate facial and body language, and tone of voice).

CHILD: (responds to parent's empathetic statement.)

PARENT: (continue "staying close")

STOP WHEN YOU BEGAN TO PROBLEM-SOLVE.
ASK OPEN-ENDED POSITIVE QUESTIONS:

WHAT: "What happened next?"

HOW: "How did that make you feel?"

COULD: "Could you tell me more about that?"
UNLESS WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO SAY OR DO, HAS A HIGH PROBABILITY OF MAKING THINGS BATTER, DON'T SAY IT AND DON'T DO IT!
QUICK REVIEW:
    Be physically close
    Touch appropriately
    Show appropriate facial expressions
    Use appropriate tone of voice
    Use appropriate body language
    Listen while child is speaking
    Show empathetic statements
    Ask open-ended, positive questions
    Ignore junk behavior
CONSEQUENCES PART 1:
In this section, you will learn:
    What consequences are
    How to give positive consequences for appropriate behavior
    How to determine which behaviors are junk behaviors
    How to carefully and purposefully ignore junk behavior
TOOL #2 - GIVING POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES: You focus primarily on building up appropriate behaviors with positive consequences.

TOOL #3 - IGNORING JUNK BEHAVIOR: You carefully ignore any age typical behavior that may be annoying, but is not harmful to any person or property.

CONSEQUENCE: A consequence is what happens right after behavior.

What are consequences?
1) Sixteen year-old Jane was driving 45 miles per hour in a 25 mile per hour zone and was given a speeding ticket.
2) Betty was playing with scissors and cut her hand.
3) Rosie correctly answered math problems and received an "A" on her math test.
4) Sarah drank too much beer and threw up all night.
5) Kyle put her crayons away 4 days out of 5 and earned a new coloring book.

POSITIVE ATTENTION IS THE MOST POWERFUL CONSEQUENCE AVAILIBLE TO YOU.

POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES
Examples Examples of Verbal Praise Examples that cost nothing
Smiles Wow Stay up late
Hugs Way to go Stay out late
Pats Super Have a friend over
Attention You're special Go to friends house
Touching Outstanding Extra TV time
Clap hands Excellent One less chore
Winks Great Pick a movie
Good Mom/dad read story
Neat Stay up late reading
Well-done Play game w/ mom/dad
Remarkable Use car
I knew you could do it Sleep late
I'm proud of you Extra phone time
Fantastic Plan the meal
Nice work Special snacks
Looking good Sit at head of table
Awesome Messy room for a day
What a good listener Leave radio on at night
You figured it out Sleep downstairs/outside
Good for you Pick TV show
Incredible Pick an outing
Shorter study period
Pick restaurant
Trip to library/zoo
Pet store/park, etc
Permission for special event
Bike ride/fishing trip
Indoors picnic
Pick breakfast
Go grocery shopping
Bake cookies
Pick restaurant
Trip to library/zoo
Pet store/park, etc
Permission for special event
Bike ride/fishing trip
Indoors picnic
Pick breakfast
Go grocery shopping
Bake cookies



THE STEPS TO GIVING POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES:
1)Tell the child what appropriate behavior the child demonstrated.
"Staying Close" Components:
2) Demonstrate close proximity
3) Demonstrate appropriate facial/body language
4) Demonstrate appropriate tone of voice
5) Provide a positive consequence that fits the appropriate behavior:
- Verbal praise (use 8-9 words in 3-5 seconds)
- Appropriate touch (hug, pat, high five, etc)
- Tangible item "things"
- Appropriate privilege
6) Provide the positive consequence within 3 seconds of recognizing the appropriate behavior.

REMEMBER
ALL CHILDREN, IN THE COURSE OF A DAY, WILL DO OR SAY SOMETHING THAT IS WORTH GIVING A POSITIVE CONSEQUENCE.

KEEP YOUR EYES AND EARS OPEN AND YOUR ANTENNAE UP!!!

ROLE-PLAY A:
CHILD: Is cleaning up his/her room on Saturday morning.

PARENT: Walks by and says, "You're doing good job!"


ROLE-PLAY B:
CHILD: Is sharing her doll's clothes with her little sister.

PARENT: Sees this happen and says: "I'm happy you're sharing."

STEPS FOR IGNORING JUNK BEHAVIOR:
1) Avoid responding verbally to junk behavior. For example, "stop that now!" and "quit that!"
2) Avoid responding non-verbally to junk behavior (rolling your eyes, stomping out of the room, crossing your arms and staring, etc.)
3) Engage in activity independent of the child (give your attention to something or someone else).
4) When the appropriate behavior occurs, provide a positive consequence that fits it (verbal praise, appropriate touch, items, privileges).
5) Provide the positive consequence within 3 seconds after the appropriate behavior begins. (Sometimes the stopping of the junk behavior is the appropriate behavior).

BEWARE OF THE EXTINCTION BURST! Expect, just for a little while, things to get worse before they get better.
CONSEQUENCES PART 2:
You will learn:
- How to ignore the junk behavior of one-child and give positive consequences for the appropriate behavior of another child.
- How to stop inappropriate behavior, redirect to an appropriate behavior, and give positive consequences for the appropriate behavior.

TOOL #4 - IGNORING THE JUNK BEHAVIOR OF ONE CHILD AND GIVING POSITIVE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR OF ANOTHER CHILD.
- You carefully ignore the junk behavior of one child while giving positive consequences for the appropriate behavior of another child (pivoting).

TOOL #4 STEPS:
1) Avoid responding verbally to the junk behavior of one child. For example, "Stop that now" and "Quit that!"
2) Avoid responding non-verbally to the junk behavior of this child (rolling eyes, stomping out of room, crossing arms.)
3) Provide a positive consequence for the appropriate behavior of another child (praise, touch, item/thing, privilege)
4) Provide the positive consequence within 3 seconds of recognizing the appropriate behavior of this child.
5) Provide a positive consequence for the appropriate behavior of the child who had been displaying junk (praise, touch, item/privilege).
6) Provide the positive consequence within 3 seconds after the appropriate behavior begins. (Sometimes the stopping of junk is the appropriate behavior.)
Continue to Part 2