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Main Forums => Shrink Rap => Topic started by: momo on May 22, 2004, 12:47:06 AM

Title: controlling ex
Post by: momo on May 22, 2004, 12:47:06 AM
ok here goes...

my brother has visitation with his child tues. and thur. for three hours each day and every other weekend.  child has been crying not to go back to moms after visits, is wetting the bed at her house, and giving her fits when child is with her (so she says).  she is blaming my brother for the childs reactions claiming he is turning their child against her and says she is going to get him into counseling if it doesnt stop.  heres the problem we have with this and this was told to bm.  the child gets to actually be a "child" when hes at dads.  he plays with cousins and neighborhood kids, he goes bike riding with his dad and my family, basically things he doesnt get to do at his moms house.  no other kids there at all.  we are afraid she will get him into counseling and turn the tables, as usual, and make herself look like the victim.  her family has links to everyone in this town and it wont be hard to find someone she knows to do the counseling.  she did this during the divorce.  said lets go to a counselor and it was a friend of her family, so of course he already had a side to take.  she has no concern for their son except to keep him in her custody to collect cs.  im sure you all know what we are dealing with.
heres the question.  should my brother call her bluff and seek counseling for the child himself, or wait it out and see what happens? hes always tried to be the good guy and it just slaps him in the face everytime.  hes needs to find a way to get the upper hand so she can stop holding the child over his head.  is this his chance???

another question.  how would it look to the court if they knew she has married an immigrant who lives on the other side of the country (no, they dont live together) whom she meet on the internet while still married and was her reason for divorcing?  he comes in every now and then, but only for a few days.  to me, this isnt very good role-modeling for the child, am i wrong?  and could it be that the marriage they have now is just so her new husband can get his citizenship?

sorry if any of this is confusing.  it just burns me that there are mothers out there who can do all this (and more)  to their kids and its fine with the courts, just as long as the cs is coming through their hands so they can collect too.  its just rediculous.
Title: RE: controlling ex
Post by: Troubledmom on May 22, 2004, 01:25:20 AM
The symptoms you have described are symptoms of a child with some type of emotional health issue. That being the case, I would recommend that if your brother has the ability to seek therapy for the child then he should do it.

It will establish that he recognizes that the child appears to be having some issues, it will beat her to the "expert" witness if one needs to be used, and most importantly, it will get the child the help he needs.

As far as the imigrant issue goes, perhaps a brief inquiry to INS would resolve the questions you have about that situation.

Good Luck

Seek first to understand, then to be understood

Title: RE: controlling ex
Post by: momo on May 24, 2004, 08:43:57 PM
Thanks for you response, your opinion matches mine exactly.

heres the latest.
bm has just told my brother that she is going to try to have all visitations stopped.  she says my brother has been letting their son play in fire and with knives.  yes, there are fires in the backyard to burn some old stumps, but no, not by any means is my nephew playing in the fire.  i have been there myself while the fire was going on.  yes, he may get a little too close to the fire but he is told to get back and why and he moves.  he is watched very closely.  as for the knives, my brother collects knives, old coins, etc.  him and his son get them out and look at them.  he dont put one in his pocket and carry it around.  to me, this isnt out of the ordinary and it is teaching him to be responsible with such things.  but he does not play with the knives.  i know where the bm is headed with all this and it really scares me.  she just pushes and pushes, there is no end at what she will do to get what she wants.  im very concerned for my brother, i dont know how much more of her he can handle.  we are all at our wits end.  

now, if she brings these twisted accusations up in court or if she seeks the counseling she says shes going to, what will come of this?  will they actually stop my brother from seeing his son???  will they do supervised visits?  will they raise/lower cs?  he just got his own place after 2 1/2 years, the money is extremely tight.  not that this is at the top of our list right now, but it is a factor if you know what i mean.

she has a history of mental illness that was never brought up in court in the beginning, is it too late to mention it now?  my brothers lawyer at the time was a real loser and told him to take what he can get and live with it.  his new lawyer seems to be the same way.  why wont these people fight for you?  isnt that what they are supossed to do?  

i would appreciate any input any of you may have.  
Title: RE: controlling ex
Post by: Troubledmom on May 28, 2004, 11:16:12 AM
1. If she brings the accusations up in court then your brother will need to have proof, by way of video or testimony of others present that this does not occur.
2. As I said before, your brother should get the child to counseling first.
3. Regarding supervised visits, or a reduction in visitation schedule, it will depend on the evidence presented by both parents as to what hte court might order.
4. Child Support will depend on your brother's states formula used.
5. If it is a documented mental illness yes it can still be brought up.
6. GET A NEW ATTORNEY! Find one that is a father's rights advocate, one who will aggressivly persue the father's rights.
Sparc has a list for questions to ask an attorney and from that article are links to other articles relevant to having a good attorney for representation.
The link to the Attorney Interview Questins is:

Good Luck
Title: RE: controlling ex
Post by: NeverGiveUp on Jun 09, 2004, 09:30:56 AM
What fire?  We don't let our child play with fire! Then get a stump grinder for now on or leave the stumps . . .

Sell the knives, buy more coins.  Get past the little things.  A knife collection isn't as important as your child.  Why give them the chance to make an issue out of it.  If he sells the knives now and the ex brings it up in court later then your brother can say, "I didn't think it was an issue, but since it was bothering the ex I sold them."  What a good dad. so reasonable and easy to get along with!

Get the child in therapy NOW!!!!  Don't tell the ex, just do it.  Then after a few visits send the x a note, "I too was concerned about little Johnny so I enrolled him in therapy.  The therapists name is ________ and they would be more than happy to talk with you."  What a good dad, and he invited the mom to take part as well . . .

You should be scared.  The courts are not a friend of any man and yes they will do all of those things.  That's why you need to act first.  The ex is screwing up by telling you what her big guns are in advance.  Simply defuse them before she acts. They become moot.

Title: RE: controlling ex
Post by: Feelincrazy on Jun 15, 2004, 09:41:28 AM
I agree with Never Give Up.  Get rid of the knives...put them into a safe deposit box, something.  And do not have the fire around.  He has the skid 2 nights a week, take him to a counselor on one of the 2 nights!!  GET HIM IN BEFORE SHE DOES!!  He will be screwed!