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Main Forums => Moms Without Custody => Topic started by: mama on Aug 30, 2005, 05:21:19 PM

Title: My daughter lost custody
Post by: mama on Aug 30, 2005, 05:21:19 PM
My daughter could use some advice. She lost custody of her daughter my grandaughter because of drinking and she is finally wanting to stop. (she drank for 2 years and lost everything) my daughter and grandaughter lived with me and now she only gets 3 hrs of visitation every other week and nothing else.. My grandaughter wants to live here with me and her mommy but she's only 4 and she has had 3 heart surgeries and is living with her dad in Tennessee and he has a girlfriend that wants to be mommy.. it's really sad. My daughter wants to get her act together and live with me and go to AA. I'm glad about that but I don't think the dad will let her see her at all now. The lawyer we hired for her could not believe the judge approved this parenting plan so we could pay the lawyer to redo the parenting plan and have him give it to the dads lawyer and I know he will want to go to court and they will want to know what's she been doing for the past year and thats pretty much nothing. So I think it's best for her to go to AA meetings and get her life together and then go to court. Does anyone disagree?
Title: RE: My daughter lost custody
Post by: wendl on Aug 30, 2005, 07:43:37 PM
Get it going in the right track, get her into treatment, to get a job (if she doesn't have one)

File a modification of visitaiton ask for Every Other Weekend (suggest that you supervise it should help)

In the parenting plan impliment a step program (what mom needs to do and keep track on and a time frame for stopping supervised visitation)

Hope this helps a little.

I am glad your daughter has accepted she has a problem and that she has someone to help her thru this.

Best wishes.

My ex drank alot so I requested supervised visitation and the judge granted it (I requested his parents to supervise)

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**
Title: RE: My daughter lost custody
Post by: mama on Aug 30, 2005, 07:49:55 PM
For visitation. My daughter is moving in with us. (Illinois) the dad is in Tennessee. She has 3 hrs every other weekend but living so far away it would almost be impossible to visit just for 3 hrs. We are in a jam.
Title: RE: My daughter lost custody
Post by: Sunshine1 on Aug 30, 2005, 10:00:55 PM
What is she waiting for?  She is no good to her daughter in this state.  She needs to get clean, concentrate on herself and when she is on her own two feet she should worry about custody and visitation.

I have a family full of meth heads, and they only think about getting clean the quickest way possible, ignoring on going therapy and when the coast is clear, they go right back at it.

The only thing to heal this is time.  If you are willing to help her in ayway you can, drive her to see her daughter, and it is a double treat because Grandma gets to see her too.

She has determined the first step in WANTING  to get clean, she needs to get throught that obstacle first, next is finding a place to live, a job, etc..etc...

I hope things go well for her and I am glad she is willing to get help.

Good luck, you have a long road ahead of you, but don't give up, her daughter, your grandaughter is worth it!!
Title: RE: My daughter lost custody
Post by: mama on Aug 31, 2005, 04:13:39 AM
I am flying my daughter here this weekend. She has called the dad twice and had to leave a message because he won't answer the phone. She wants to tell him she's leaving and would like to see her little girl before she goes. I had her write down the day and time she called and the message that was left. Should she send a certified letter and CC her attorney? Also when she does want to visit should we send a certified letter stating she wants to come for a visit on a certain date and time and put in there a date to respond and that if we don't get a response by a certain date we will assume that the date and time is acceptable? this whole issue is mostly the girlfriend butting in. When they broke up my daughter was able to pick her up from daycare and she could spend the night and when they got back together she only got 3 hrs visitation again.
Title: RE: My daughter lost custody
Post by: Sunshine1 on Aug 31, 2005, 07:29:12 AM
Do you know what the court order says exactly in the form of vistation, how, when it should take place and how she goes about informing him that it is going to happen.

Post the exact text of the order and we can go from there.  I didn't realize she had to fly everytime to see her. 3 hours visitation, is that a day, a week, a month?  I need more to effectively give you advice.

You may want to ask socrateaser too...(but he'll want exact text of the order as well.)
Title: RE: My daughter lost custody
Post by: mama on Aug 31, 2005, 07:35:38 AM
It says:
Residential Sharing Schedule

The schedule below sets out which parent has responsibilty for the child during the week, weekends and vacations

A.The father will have responsibilty for the care of the child except the following times and days when the other parent shall have responsibility for the care of the child.

From Sunday at noon to 3 p.m. every other week or Saturday at noon to 3 p.m
Title: Just a thought...
Post by: 4honor on Aug 31, 2005, 08:39:09 AM
since the wording of the text -- if you have copied word for word and have all punctuation in it -- seems to say it could be either Sunday 12-3 every other week

OR

Saturday 12-3.

So she (your daughter) picks Saturdays from 12-3 (all Saturdays)... the court order is vague enough to leave that option open. Bio Dad wants to fight it, he can file in court. If bio dad has to deal with your daughter every saturday for a month, his girlfriend will throw a fit and ask him to change the plan just to get rid of her... or he will deny visitation... a bad thing in the courts' eyes and you can file a motion for an Order to Show Cause why Biofather (BF) should not be held in contempt of a court order.

There is an "Intent to Exercise Visitation" notice on this site... Use it/ tweak it for your purposes but send it several weeks in advance. You (not DD) send it certified return receipt requested. Put a copy of a certificate of mailing in your records and sign/notarize it. Keep a copy of all correspondence with BF.

You are building a case for increased custody... you must show the courts a substantial change in the circumstances of the other parent (bio father) or the child. Criteria for the change can be found in your state statutes, but a finding of contempt is USUALLY one of the criteria.

So she must utilize the court order as written... take every visit she can for at least 3 months... build the relationship with the child. She will have to prove that she is trying (and I know it is nearly impossible with the distance) in order for the courts to look favorably on her motion for a change... gotta use the time you are given before they are willing to consider giving her more time.

One way to increase time, is to use the train as a mode of transportation. Sometimes it is cheaper. It is not necessarily comfortable, but she could ride in the night before and sleep while on the train. She might also look at the hospitality pages here on this site and determine if there is anyone in close proximity to BF where she could stay over night if need be.

She has a long road ahead of her,I will keep her in my prayers.
Title: RE:4 sums it up quite nicely..eom
Post by: Sunshine1 on Aug 31, 2005, 10:18:40 AM
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Title: RE:4 sums it up quite nicely..eom
Post by: mama on Aug 31, 2005, 07:58:12 PM
That will be hard to do living so far and she will be in an outpatient program and there is no train in Tennessee, however I think I will use the intent to visit for the Christmas visitation. There is nothing in the papers that say she can't visit in Illinois. They had my daughters address as mine because she was living here when this happened. She just chose to stay there because her daughter was there and they made it impossible to visit her from long distance. I may check with the lawyer first so she does not get in any trouble. She has also been trying to call dad and his phone number has been changed or something. She wanted to see her daughter before she left to come here. I told her to go to the daycare tomarrow and see her. She is also supposed to get at least 2 phone calls a week with her so I think this would be comtempt if he doesn't give her a new number by the end of the week correct?
Title: I agree with you.
Post by: olanna on Aug 31, 2005, 08:37:59 PM
She can't possibly take care of anyone else until she learns how to take care of herself.  She should work very hard on getting her act together, so she actually can parent and have something to offer her daughter in the form of stability.

I wish her all the best.
Title: RE: My daughter lost custody
Post by: notthemama on Sep 01, 2005, 02:12:28 PM
Your daughter definitely should get her life on track.  Regardless of where the child "wants" to live, it is obviously better for her to live with her father due to the mother's drug use.  She too will get use to living with him and in a few months and will adjust just fine.  As for the girlfriend, be happy that she is willing to embrace the child and treat her with [i]motherly[/i] love.

And no matter how you may disagree with the father, be as kind to him as possible and avoid arguments.  It will be hard.

Before she is able to persue the court for additional visitation (after AA), she should continue to try her best to maintain contact with the child.  Visits should be scheduled and she should be responsible and not cancel any visits.  As for the distance from IL to TN, it is a burden of travel that she will have to bear if she wants to maintain contact with her daughter.  During the time that she living with you, she should be able to work and save most of her money to fund the trips.  Most of us have to give a lot just to get a little.
Title: RE:4 sums it up quite nicely..eom
Post by: Forthelittleones on Sep 02, 2005, 08:02:38 PM
Your daughter really needs to try and see her daughter as much as possible.  Christmas is a long time away. Will She be in therapy that whole time?
Title: RE: My daughter lost custody
Post by: MixedBag on Sep 04, 2005, 06:15:26 PM
You've received some wonderful advice so far -- put it all together and you'll have a great plan of action to help guide your daughter back into her child's life.

IL to TN is not THAT far when you set your priorities straight and try.

There are parents on this site (mothers and fathers) who also deal with long distances.... I myself have a son who lives 750 miles away from me, so driving from IL to TN seems to be a "piece of cake" when compared to my one-way 12 hour drive once a month.

Olanna dealt with it across country practially from coast to coast.

Actually -- your daughter could get a job M-F and still drive to TN, see her daughter on Sat or Sun, and drive back.....it can physically be done.

THEN work to get her situation improved.