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Main Forums => Father's Issues => Topic started by: Bolivar on Jan 01, 2005, 02:42:51 PM

Title: bigsigh you are such a fake!!!!
Post by: Bolivar on Jan 01, 2005, 02:42:51 PM
Bigsigh sounds like you spend A LOT of time with woman shelters and Choose NOT to spend A LOT of time with your own daughter.  In your own words you could NOT raise your daughter.

Bigsigh you are such a fake.  Give it a rest and join Eric of the FIRM or go back to NOW.

You can tell your fellow woman at NOW that NO father, and I mean NO father, on this board is a poor nurturer.  We are all capable and ready to raise our children, if given the chance by the courts.  We are real Fathers trying to be more than just a visitor in our children's life.  We are committed to sharing equal time with our child 50/50 physical and legal custody.

You say you gave you daughter back to the mom because you could not handel her, BUT you volunteer at woman's shelters – YOU ARE A FAKE and a TROLL!!!!!

MY SON IS NUMBER ONE IMPORTANCE IN MY LIFE.  He is my everything.  Yes, I am engaged and my fiancee knows how committed I am as a father.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bigsigh said:

[em]Before you start trashing the DV help system, I suggest you get involved and see the reality of it. There aren't many "exclusive" men's DV shelters because there aren't people donating to get them. You can't blame women for that.

This all coming from a man... [/em]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back in September bigsigh said:

[em]"When it came to custody, my new wife fully expected my ex wife to get custody & me visitation. She pretty much stayed out of the proceedings and when I came home telling her my 4 year old daughter would be coming to live with us full time she wasn't happy to say the least. Her exact words were "how the hell did that happen?".

".......... I fought for my daughter fully expecting my new wife to take on the step-mom role. She is a mom already, I thought maternal instincts were maternal instincts, no matter who the kid was. ........."[/em]

----------------------------------------------------------------------

bigsigh said just recently

[em]"..........She (daughter) is with her mom and everything is how it should be." [/em]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If that last statement doesn't sound like a NOW advocate I don't know what does.

Title: RE: bigsigh you are such a fake!!!!
Post by: MYSONSDAD on Jan 01, 2005, 05:10:35 PM
He just doesn't get it, even when slapped in the face.

Good call....

I was sick of explaining shit to him. He has a mind set issue.
Title: RE: bigsigh you are such a fake!!!!
Post by: joni on Jan 01, 2005, 08:07:27 PM

a troll and a custodial mom pretending to be a noncustodial dad....on this board to torture the rest of the NC dads here to make HERself feel better.
Title: BOLIVAR GET A DAMN CLUE!
Post by: ivehadit on Jan 02, 2005, 08:38:55 PM
Yep, you guessed it it's bigsigh, for "some unknown reason" my account was deactivated but I'll be damned if I'm going to allow you to trash me like you have without speaking up about it.

***Bigsigh sounds like you spend A LOT of time with woman shelters***

Then get your damn ears clean (and that's WOMEN'S)

***You say you gave you daughter back to the mom because you could not handel her, BUT you volunteer at woman's shelters – YOU ARE A FAKE and a TROLL!!!!!*** (if you are going to insult someone, use spellcheck first so you don't look like an idiot  - HANDLE)

When the hell did I ever say I volunteered at any women's shelters you moron? I DONATE TO THEM. Just like I DONATE to MEN'S SHELTERS. Although I have reason to support BOTH sides regardless of your judgemental dumba** narrowminded opinion of it.

WHY? As I have already explained and you so conveniently disreagarded - My MOTHER was killed by my father in a DV situation. My BROTHER was as weak willed as my mother was and was damn NEAR killed by his ex-wife.

Just because I choose to do research on the plight of DV as it pertains to BOTH sexes in order to best ascertain the split of the percentage I donate doesn't make me any of the damn names you chose to spew.

I Donate 10% of my company's profits each year at Christmas to the cause of DV. This year, 3% went to women's shelters, 7% went to men's.

I give to the American Cancer Society too, want to find something "trollish" about that too?

Let's get something straight right here and now because I'm sick and f'ing tired of you going for my jugular Bolivar. This site, according to administration, is for ANY parent in ANY custody situation to come and get help. A LONG time ago it was just for father's rights, that has, according to them, changed.

I came back to this site for information and feedback due to a specific custody situation based on MY FAMILY'S specific needs. I don't give a rat's rear end about anyone else's reason for being here or the causes THEY are fighting for.

I was doing what was best for MY FAMILY specifically MY DAUGHTER. I in NO WAY ever implied that I, or any of the father's on this site were not good nurturers. You have continually made broad assumptions and slammed me for no G*D Damned reason. The only thing I couldn't "handle" (or to use your spelling handel) was my little girl's tears.

**...Choose NOT to spend A LOT of time with your own daughter. In your own words you could NOT raise your daughter.***

All I "chose" not to spend with my daughter when it comes down to it is weeknights during the times when my job is overly demanding. Who the hell do you think you are assuming that my ex and I haven't provided in our agreement to compensate for that? We happen to have 50/50 you dumb sh*t. Quit assuming crap, you haven't seen our agreement.

Basically your comments imply that any father who is an NCP is not raising their child. JUST BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO BE THE NCP OF MY CHILD DOES NOT MAKE ME A BAD PERSON, NOR DOES IT MEAN I DON'T 'RAISE' MY CHILD.

***bigsigh said just recently

"..........She (daughter) is with her mom and everything is how it should be."

If that last statement doesn't sound like a NOW advocate I don't know what does.***

You know what, things ARE as they should be, because my ex and I are done fighting. We get along great, have better communication than ever, see eye to eye and our daughters tears have subsided. Isn't that ultimately what parents are going for, or should? So shove your NOW comment up your selfrighteous a**.

I'd love to have a crystal ball for when your kid turns 18 and can tell you exactly what your years and years of fighting OVER HIM with your ex did to his psyche. Or better yet, the day he becomes a father and vows to himself not to be like you if he does split with the mother of his child. I have a gut feeling my daughter is going to be a hell of a lot better adjusted than your son. I made a point of ensuring I did what would keep my daughter out of years of therapy, either as a child or an adult dealing with the scars of her youth. At MY expense.

How do you like that assumption, huh? Bolivar, you have no right on the f'ing planet to judge me, or my custody situation based on YOUR life, or the assumption you make of the lives of any other person on this board. You do what you think is best for your child and I'll continue to do what I KNOW is best for mine. That doesn't make me a "troll" from NOW.

If you so choose to fight for father's equality on a GLOBAL scale, kudos to you, but don't you ever DARE shove it down anyone's throat if they don't go into it with the same fervor as you do. I have the causes I fight for - father's rights not being one of them. There are millions of dad's out there that aren't on that bandwagon just as there are MILLIONS of causes out there that need advocates.





Title: YOU ARE CLUELESS...
Post by: MYSONSDAD on Jan 02, 2005, 09:10:26 PM
No need for name calling. Your post is full of derogatory remarks.

I remember you very well when you first came here. Previous posts say a lot about you.

Attacking Bol, what a mistake. He has been here long before I came and is very well respected. He calls it like he sees it.

You have a nasty habit of attacking posters here. If you have a concern, then post. Let others come to you. If something offends you, then pass it up and go on.

I know you have been going after me, so be it. I am afraid you are the one clueless.

Try to learn from your past mistakes. Starting trouble here is not the way to go...

A free peice of advice, GET A LIFE


"Children learn what they live"
Title: 1 more thing....
Post by: MYSONSDAD on Jan 02, 2005, 09:40:22 PM
Maybe you can talk with your company and see if they will sponsor some Anger Management classes...

"Children learn what they live"
Title: how to respond?
Post by: Bolivar on Jan 03, 2005, 08:50:30 AM
How to respond, , how to respond?

First of all the regulars on this board are fighting for more time with their children.  Whether they are NCP or a partner of a NCP.

Every single person on this site wants more time with there child, BUT we are NOT allowed more time because of the System (court).  We did NOT choose to be a NCP, we were forced to be.

----------------------------------------------------

SPARC's goal is to ensure that children of divorce continue to have meaningful relationships with both parents, regardless of marital status. [font="+2"]We advocate on behalf all non-custodial parents[/font] to ensure they get equitable treatment in court and continued access to their children. In addition, we work to promote gender equality in Divorce and Custody issues.

----------------------------------------------------

Do you understand?

My experience metaphorically speaking, of the family court is akin to a forest fire raging out of control. The court system itself is the fire, and the devastation left in its path are the charred emotional and financial remains of a life destroyed without regard to basic constitutional rights afforded every other citizen of this country.

However, once the gluttonous beast has had its fill and moved on to find its next unwary victim, there remains inexplicably a single solitary tree standing proud and tall above the charred landscape.

This is that father's love for his children.

This, they could not destroy . . .


Please explain the benefits of you posting here.

- Does healing come from your empathy?

- Should we take solace in your pity?

- Will our situations be different tomorrow? Better?

- Will we pay less support and have more time with our children by virtue of your moral alignment?

- Do you truly believe that you can understand the debilitating sadness that could make a grown man suddenly break down and cry so hard that he has to pull off on the side of the road until it passes?

- Have you ever been walking through a store and suddenly felt like you'd been kicked in the gut by a mule simply because you saw a child that reminded you of your own?

- Have you ever been to a birthday party for a friend's child, only to have to make a hasty exit because although you're equipped to cope with problems at all levels of severity in both your professional and personal life, you can't cope with watching seven year-olds run around laughing when yours isn't one of them?

- Do you think you understand how it feels to have adhered to a respectable code of morals and ethics his entire life, only to walk into court and be treated with the same disdain and disgust normally reserved for pedophiles?

- Are you capable of defining "Never" as one who has had his flesh and blood ripped away from him and knows that, short of an act of God, he will NEVER get them back? Do you comprehend the finality in that kind of "never?"

I think you presume much when you infer that your presence on this board is both needed and justified. You will never know what we are going through.  

You couldn't possibly . . .

Remember, you were free to make your choice on your relationship with your daughter. We were not.









Title: RE: how to respond?
Post by: Peanutsdad on Jan 03, 2005, 09:19:43 AM
Amen.
Title: RE: how to respond?
Post by: ivehadit on Jan 03, 2005, 10:29:49 AM
**Every single person on this site wants more time with there child, BUT we are NOT allowed more time because of the System (court). We did NOT choose to be a NCP, we were forced to be.** and the rest of your post...

So what you are saying is that according to you, no CP, no grandparent, no NCP just asking a general question about something minor, no friend of someone who is concerned, no one except the NCP's in the exact situation as you should be allowed to utilize anything on this site, including the thoughts, advice and opinions of the more openminded,  UNLESS they take up your causes, in the manner you direct, in order to be accepted?

I sympathize for anyone going though their individual custody situation, no matter WHAT the situation is. For whatever reasons they are in one, it is going to be hard on them  - you seem to be of the opinion that just because I was a CP and chose to go back to being the NCP for reasons that were best for MY family, I'm some sort of liar to be chastized, called names and treated poorly.

How many NCP's here recognize the fact that the CP in their situation isn't doing the best they can for their child and are helpless to do anything about it? A good percentage. Now just because I'm a father, I'm supposed to just be the stubborn CP just because I have the title and not relinquish it for the sake of "father's rights"? Give me a damn break. At least as a CP my lightbulb turned on and I realized my ex-wife was better at it than me. That's a pretty humbling thing to have to admit but at least I did it. How about a little respect for that?

I didn't come here looking for pity and sympathy, I came here seeking advice and knowldege of others, like most people who come to this site, on how to best make the transition smoothly for my child and my ex,  which I got, along with a hell of a lot of unceccesary grief and crap largely thanks to you. So please do not expect me to feel sorry for the situation you are in, I used to, but not after how you have treated me.

Now as I said before, I'm not here to jump on your father's rights cause bandwagon. I didn't come here to post for the benefit of others, I came here to post a question based on MY situation at the time I had one, I also posted a small amount on DV shelters because it is something I'm knowledgeable on based on first hand experience. A conversation that had NOTHING to do with you. A sidebar discussion with MSD. And just because you had a wild hair up your a** you turn it into a flaming session with this string.

Why waste SPARC'S bandwidth with your personal vendetta against me?

**I think you presume much when you infer that your presence on this board is both needed and justified. You will never know what we are going through. **

When the hell did I ever say I was "needed & justified"? I have a right to be here and ask/anwer questions if I so choose, just like anyone else. I also have a right to my opinion, even if it is different than yours. Who the hell are you to say I don't know what you are going through? You have absolutely NO KNOWLEDGE of any of my life or my family less what I've posted here on one specific incident. How do you know I don't have another child, or children, from another relationship? Or I don't have family members going through it? Don't f'ing tell me what I do or don't "know".

Lord help you Bolivar you are worse then a door to door bible thumper. Not everyone wants YOUR particular message or cause crammed down their damn throats.

Now for my sake as well as the rest of the people here, why don't you just leave me the hell alone. You don't like something I say, IGNORE IT.










Title: RE: YOU ARE CLUELESS...
Post by: ivehadit on Jan 03, 2005, 10:40:17 AM
**No need for name calling. Your post is full of derogatory remarks.**

so what is calling me a "troll" a "fake" etc? Warm fuzzies?

**If something offends you, then pass it up and go on.**

Why don't you give that advice to your dear friend Bolivar...

**I know you have been going after me, so be it.**

Going "after" you? All I did was inform you of a DV helpline to educate you that there is help available for men nationally. It was a friendly post directed to you because I thought you would find it interesting since it seemed to be a concern you had. Not once, did I ever consider any of our brief conversation about DV as attacking or otherwise. We share different views and we were both informing each other. Is there no "discussion" here? You either take it as help or conflict and that's it? Never once did I disagree with you that there are incrdible inadequacies when it comes to help for men in DV situations, I just disagree at what you feel the reason is.

**Starting trouble here is not the way to go...**

Excuse me? I didn't post this flaming crap about someone being a "fake" or a "troll". I'm not the troublemaker here.

Title: Neither did I
Post by: MYSONSDAD on Jan 03, 2005, 10:46:52 AM
But it does not mean I don't agree.

One thing I noticed, you come here for help and suggestions, which is fine. But, I have never seen you post to help another. And that, my friend, is why we are here. All looking for better ways to make this hell bareable. Don't care if your male or female, black or white, purple or green, CP or NCP. We all face many of the same issues.

1 more thing, I did not get removed from this board and neither did Bol...

"Children learn what they live"
Title: RE: Neither did I
Post by: ivehadit on Jan 03, 2005, 10:53:33 AM
I have not received anything official from anyone in administration informing me I was "removed".  For all I know it was my computer and a cookie problem as I did have to do some cleaning of it.

**One thing I noticed, you come here for help and suggestions, which is fine. But, I have never seen you post to help another**

then you haven't looked very close. I may not post much, but I have offered several suggestion to several people on other boards. I don't spend my life here. And pardon me if I feel expanding the view on DV *IS* helpful.

**Don't care if your male or female, black or white, purple or green, CP or NCP. We all face many of the same issues.**

Why don't you tell your friend Bol there to adopt the same view as you then. This "you are a fake" post was completely unecessary.


Title: RE: Neither did I
Post by: MYSONSDAD on Jan 03, 2005, 11:00:27 AM
I am not into control. Bol is completely capable of speaking his own mind, and very well...

If you check Bols posts, you would find he answers many posts and with dignity and knowledge. Very informed and with much better wording then I.

Did you not post trouble accessing the boards?

"Children learn what they live"
Title: well, well, wellllllllllll.................
Post by: Bolivar on Jan 03, 2005, 11:54:53 AM
Ivehadit,

You know your subject very well and your ability to articulate your ideas is stupendous.

Obviously our view and goals in life are much different.  So different in fact that we are speaking a different language.

You and I have chosen two different paths when it comes to our relationship with our child.  Because I feel so cheated by the system which forced me an every other weekend parent, I can not understand your choice.

However it is your free choice.

 I am fighting for a presumed 50/50 physical and legal custody when two FIT parents enter divorce.  If a parent wishes to be a NCP they are free to do so.  What changes is the fight to be the CP (residential parent).  Since both parents will be considered equal in nurturing the children they will both share equally in raising the children.  A parent must be a proven drug/crime/violence parent for the other to be assigned CP.  Let me reiterate that's PROVE (no allegations allowed) drug/crime/violence.

P.S. This web site was created to help NCP get more custody time with there children, and to allow NCP to vent and share their ups and downs.

P.S.S. I have gone on web sites with diametrically different views than myself.  I express myself in a professional manner to hopefully help those regulars on that board understand my view.  Of course the regulars call me names and such, I almost expect it.  After all it is there home turf,,, a place to vent and get help.  The experience is like walking in to a bee hive.

How did you expect to be treated here?  I mean we are fighting to have more time with our children for GOD sake.

Based on your posting ability here I am sure you visit other web sites.  What are they I would love to visit them and express my view.  I of course will not resort to name calling when I am visiting a new site.  It is after all, quite uncouth.


Title: RE: how to respond?
Post by: Brent on Jan 03, 2005, 03:42:14 PM

>So what you are saying is that according to you, no CP, no
>grandparent, no NCP just asking a general question about
>something minor, no friend of someone who is concerned, no one
>except the NCP's in the exact situation as you should be
>allowed to utilize anything on this site, including the
>thoughts, advice and opinions of the more openminded,  UNLESS
>they take up your causes, in the manner you direct, in order
>to be accepted?

I don't believe that's what he was saying at all, and I'm not sure how you got that from his posts.
Title: RE: how to respond?
Post by: ivehadit on Jan 03, 2005, 04:13:35 PM
I get it from the diatribe he wrote about the sufferage he and others like him are going through and making me feel as if I should never have posted to this site just because at the time I wasn't a suffering NCP.

Why should any of my posts to this site regarding my situation have to benefit the global need? why should any of my posts empathize with him over the fact he can't walk into a store without feeling like he got kicked by a mule, and all of the other overinflated comments he made?

This isn't the first time I've been called a fake or been called names by Bolivar simply because he didn't agree with my choice for my child. I'm not some leper to be cast out simply because I choose to be the NCP to my daughter, either way, there are still custody issues that need to be addressed.

He makes incredibly broad assumptions that I'm choosing to practically disown my daughter, or not take an active role in her life when that simply is not the case. My case is not his, and he needs to stop projecting his problems onto my situation.
Title: RE: how to respond?
Post by: Bolivar on Jan 03, 2005, 04:38:43 PM
I'm adding diatribe to my reference.
Diatribe = a bitter and abusive speech or writing --- ironical or satirical criticism.


And I have NOT made "overinflated comments".  They are the truth.  Since you obviously never experienced these emotions how could you understand.

For example:
My neighbor and I are playing catch one day.  The next he is in a car accident that leaves him in a wheel chair.  I can sympathies with what he is going though, BUT I really do NOT know what it is like.  To wake up in a hospital bed, to go through rehab for months, then to be at home and wake up everyday.  To deal with this problem on a day to day basis is something I just can't know.



As I said before we have chosen different paths in terms of our relationship with our children.  You choose yours and I the system choose mine.


Just for the record I never said you were any less of a parent for choosing to be a NCP.  I know a number of fathers in there late 50's who have told me they were fine being the NCP.

What I am saying is you do not understand the fight and emotional battle of a NCP who wants to have 50/50 physical custody.
Title: RE: well, well, wellllllllllll.................
Post by: ivehadit on Jan 03, 2005, 04:41:35 PM
Bolivar,

Once again, my custody situation is not yours, I may feel badly for you, but just because we are in different situations it does not negate my ability to use this site for it's resources, nor do you have the right to try to run me off.

I'm getting really really really tired of you assuming I'm giving up time with my daughter. Just because the "custody" status of my child was changed by choice, so that she could go to school by her mother and other considerations that come with that choice, does not mean we didn't make other consessions and changes so that I could see her when it was better for all of us, when I'm less busy, less stressed and can be a better parent.

Good lord you make it sound as if my daugher is never spending nights or bulk priods of time with me. You have it completely wrong. With the schedule adjustment we made it made sense for my ex to be the CP again, that's it. We both are trying to not get so caught up in the terminology anyway.

What am I supposed to do for you Bolivar? Apologize to you for finally having what you want?  A peaceful relationship with my ex and a happy situation for my child that includes an open door when it comes to seeing her?

**P.S. ....to allow NCP to vent and share their ups and downs.**

and my situation doesn't qualify? I was an NCP, I was temporarily a CP,  now I'm an NCP again - I don't have ups and downs? Or just because of my brief period of being a CP I'm now unwelcome? Or actually never have been in your opinion.

**Based on your posting ability here I am sure you visit other web sites. What are they I would love to visit them and express my view. I of course will not resort to name calling when I am visiting a new site. It is after all, quite uncouth.**

Personally I find namecalling at all "uncouth", but I'm not the one who started that here now am I? You've been calling me names since September. I've had it with your treatment and lashed out. This whole "bigsigh you are a fake" string was just a dumb, insensative, rediculous and childish move on your part. You'd think, since you have been here so long and seen so much you'd know by now what a waste of space it is to do and refrain, but no, it's the 2nd time you've pulled this with me.

And no, I don't go to any other websites. Don't you recall, the last time you called me a fake & other names was back in September when I couldn't remember what my old screen name was when I was going through my divorce originally. My posting ability comes from having used this site before, quite a while ago.

**I express myself in a professional manner **

since when is calling someone a fake, a liar and all of the other things this string you started says, professional?  

Title: overinflated comments by a woman NCP?
Post by: Bolivar on Jan 03, 2005, 04:47:54 PM
Author: Gecko at Custody Reform (status: NCP – gender: Woman)
Date: December 15, 2004


Pain is when never having received a card from you children...the post office delivers to you in February, a Christmas card they mailed to you in December and your hands tremble and your heart is pounding from the adrenaline as you open the envelope and by the time you finish reading in each child's handwriting how much they love you and miss you and think you couldn't hurt any more or cry any harder...you remember how close you came on Christmas Day to taking your own life and know that being disemboweled would hurt less.

It is when you are so stunned by the court's decision to take your children away that you shut down and walk blindly, not caring if there is a "tomorrow" because you're not sure if you can make it through "today"? To look in the mirror and discover a stranger because you are no longer the person you once were because a part of you has been taken away and the physical pain can be so great that you gaze with desperation at the muzzle of a .38?

You want to compare "stereotyping"? Do people automatically ASSUME that you MUST have done something WRONG because you don't have custody? Have you ever been asked: "how did you lose custody?" A man who chooses to be a non-custodial parent is viewed as a "hero", putting the best interests of his children ahead of his own; a woman who chooses to be a non-custodial parent is viewed as a selfish bitch, one who dumped her children in pursuit of her own pleasures.

Pain.....is pain. It doesn't matter whether you're a man getting whacked in the balls with a baseball bat or a woman giving birth...it hurts like a son of a bitch!

Title: RE: how to respond?
Post by: ivehadit on Jan 03, 2005, 04:52:00 PM
**What I am saying is you do not understand the fight and emotional battle of a NCP who wants to have 50/50 physical custody.**

well there you are wrong Bolivar. I was an NCP with very limited time when I first got divorced, the system chose my life too.

I got CP status due to my ex having a breakdown - if it weren't for that, who knows where I'd be right now in regard to custody and visitation with my daughter. So don't tell me what I do and don't understand if you have never even met me nor know my history.

You assume way too much.


Title: what does it take to get it through your head...
Post by: ivehadit on Jan 03, 2005, 05:37:30 PM
Bolivar,

will you get off of your soapbox already?

What does this article have to do with anything? I can't for the life of me figure out what you are trying to convince me of here. As if I don't know there are NCPs who got a rotten deal and hurt? What the heck do you think I am? A brick wall? Dense foam? What?!?!?

I have said to you over and over an over again, I came here to ask questions based on MY situation, as it pertains to MY family and was and will continue to be only concerned with IT'S outcome. I posted on the DV issue because it is something I know, and hits very close to my home. Two very compartmentalized subjects. I'm allowed to do that you know, not take on the entire system, so I choose not to.

If you want to take on the world cause of NCP angst and bring it into your daily life and make your suffering that much more unbearable  - that is your choice, but will you cease and desist trying to shove it down my throat?







Title: ?'s
Post by: MYSONSDAD on Jan 03, 2005, 05:54:11 PM
Have you ever had to endure a PBFH?

Have you ever endured not seeing your child for months?

Have you ever endured being denied Holidays?

Have you ever had to endure a false RO or OOP?

Have you ever endured endless denials of visitation?

Have you ever endured countless lies in the court room?

Have you ever endured the pain of PAS?


"Children learn what they live"
Title: Damn Bol...that was gooooooood...
Post by: MYSONSDAD on Jan 03, 2005, 06:18:40 PM
This person has a gift of expression.

"Children learn what they live"
Title: RE: how to respond?
Post by: Brent on Jan 03, 2005, 06:57:28 PM
>Why should any of my posts to this site regarding my situation
>have to benefit the global need?

They don't, and I don't think anyone said that they do. I think you're taking some of this to extremes, but that's just my opinion.

Title: RE: how to respond?
Post by: ivehadit on Jan 03, 2005, 07:27:25 PM
if that's the case Brent, then what is with Bolivar posting this "fake" thing, for the second time I've been here - and why, in god's name is he just not letting this issue drop?

What was the point of posting the article?

All he keeps saying is "the people here" think this, and "the people here are here for that" and the people here..."

aren't I a person here, with a right to be here?

Why is Bolivar trying to make me feel so rotten for choosing to be the NCP to my daughter then?

Why is MSD bombarding me with 20 questions of "have I ever.."

What are they trying to accomplish other than to make me feel like I shouldn't be here?

Title: what does...
Post by: ivehadit on Jan 03, 2005, 07:33:11 PM
what I have or haven't experienced have to do with the price of tea in China?

If I haven't experienced these things, I shouldn't be allowed to post here in any capacity?

Want to explain to me your point?
Title: Because...
Post by: MYSONSDAD on Jan 03, 2005, 07:38:20 PM
Until you walk in someones shoes that have had to endure my questions, you can not begin to understand what most NCP's are facing.

Simple questions. Just interested if you had any of these same issues in your situation. That simple...

If it is going to upset you, don't answer them.


"Children learn what they live"
Title: RE: what does...
Post by: MYSONSDAD on Jan 03, 2005, 07:41:27 PM
I was just wondering if you had experienced any of this.

It has nothing to do with tea. Bol tried to explain it in another post. The one were someone became paralized.

Until we experience things first hand, it is hard to understand what the other is going thru.

"Children learn what they live"
Title: ??????????????????
Post by: ivehadit on Jan 03, 2005, 08:02:01 PM
Why, in order to use this site, does it matter if I have walked in your shoes, or any NCP shoes for that matter?

I have my own shoes thank you & I really am not interested in pouring out my past history, it's ancient, it's over and my family is at a point of harmony. I don't try to revive near-dead rabid animals either.  

Who gave you the authority to rate what is considered what is truly suffering and what isn't? Everyone has their own threshold for pain & tolerance, no matter what the type of pain it is. If I haven't dealt with x, y & z I'm not worthy of respect? I should pack myself up and leave?

I'm not interested in becoming a coveted "regular" here. I don't feel I need to win your acceptance into the fold. My point is no one should have to feel like they need to "prove" themselves to you "oldtimers" just to be able to get the help they need without being disrespected.

MSD, you made a comment earlier that you didn't see me helping others much here. I've seen it said to others as well. Can I ask why that is necessary? Is that another "unwritten" requirement of being able to use this site that the "regulars" have established over and above what the administration posts as guidelines?

I belong to Columbia House and I have to buy a certain number of CD's a year, that is clearly defined in the terms of use when I signed up. I'm sorry, but I don't see anything here saying I MUST contribute in the form of helping others if I had a question or two answered for me. I don't find myself knowledgeable enough to answer most of the questions here, I'm sure a lot of people don't. So you'd rather I gave half assed opinion or comment to people here just so that I seem more legitimate?

I also see how it is continually told to people how long x person has been at this site over others, as if their opinion means more because of it.

Why do you feel it is necessary to treat sporadic or new users in this manner?




Title: see below - this is getting redundant
Post by: ivehadit on Jan 03, 2005, 08:07:34 PM
.
Title: RE: ??????????????????
Post by: MYSONSDAD on Jan 03, 2005, 08:29:31 PM
>Who gave you the authority to rate what is considered what is truly suffering and what isn't? Everyone has their own threshold for pain & tolerance, no matter what the type of pain it is. If I haven't dealt with x, y & z I'm not worthy of respect? I should pack myself up and leave? <

I never said I had any authority. I posted that way hoping you would see the other side of things. You do not share the same problems that most people here share. SIMPLE

>MSD, you made a comment earlier that you didn't see me helping others much here. I've seen it said to others as well. Can I ask why that is necessary? Is that another "unwritten" requirement of being able to use this site that the "regulars" have established over and above what the administration posts as guidelines? <

Where did I post that, other then to you?


>I also see how it is continually told to people how long x person has been at this site over others, as if their opinion means more because of it. <

Now you have me confused with catherine, I feel insulted.
I did however, try to make you see some value in the knowledge Bol has. You could learn a lot from him and others here. If I remember correctly, you got it pretty good on your first post here. Changing CP to NCP. Reason was, we could not understand why you would decide to do that. You could have kept custody and did shared parenting.

The purpose of this forum is for NCP's to have a place to vent, share and help. There are also CP's here, like PD. They too, give appreciated advice.

I think you have taken this all WAY BEYOND the need. I for one will let you find someone else to challenge. Maybe they can word it to your understanding...

I, for the life of me, do not understand your way of thinking...


"Children learn what they live"
Title: would you care...
Post by: catherine on Jan 03, 2005, 08:52:28 PM
if I started tossing insults your way too?

C'mon now.  For you to say you are insulted to be confused as me is a bit overdramatic and insulting, no?  What you've read 6 things I've typed? Wow, what a great "judge" of character you must be in real life ....
Title: RE: ??????????????????
Post by: ivehadit on Jan 03, 2005, 08:55:44 PM
**You do not share the same problems that most people here share. SIMPLE**

assumption on your part

**Where did I post that, other then to you?**

didn't say you specifically

**Now you have me confused with catherine, I feel insulted.**

my apologies

**I did however, try to make you see some value in the knowledge Bol has. You could learn a lot from him and others here.**

for what? my situation is done with.

**If I remember correctly, you got it pretty good on your first post here. Changing CP to NCP. Reason was, we could not understand why you would decide to do that. You could have kept custody and did shared parenting**

actually, no I couldn't due to distance, her schooling etc. She had to have her residence there. And no, her or I moving wasn't an option. That would have created more trouble & cost than it would be worth. What my choice was should never have been chastized like it was. It was the best scenario for MY family and that should have been respected from the get go.

**I think you have taken this all WAY BEYOND the need. I for one will let you find someone else to challenge. Maybe they can word it to your understanding...**

I'm the one being "challenged" here!! I'm not taking anyone on, I'm defending myself against an attack that there was no business having been done in the first place.

I've made the same point over and over, I don't feel I need to, nor do I want to understand the plight of every NCP but you and Bol keep trying over and over again to make me "see" something. These are YOUR causes, YOUR fights...they aren't mine. Good for you for having them but for christ's sake already, as callous as this sounds I DON'T CARE!

All I did was post a few comments/opinions on the DV system, having NOTHING to do with custody whatsoever and all of a sudden I'm being keelhauled by you and Bol over NCP sufferage & having my custody situation from back in September dredeged up like raw stinky stewage.

And I'm being accused of making too much of this? Both of you get off your soapboxes already!





Title: The emotions are more than just those of disagreement
Post by: ready4change on Jan 04, 2005, 03:12:51 AM
When I read some of your posts ivehadit, I felt pain for your child.

You stated that you were less than proud of the extent you went to to become the CP.  When you were awarded custody and realized your significant other was not going to step into the role of mother, you decided it wasn't for you. It seems that you believe all is well now but what about what your child has been through.

So many NCP's spend so much money, time and effort to try and stop their children from being pawns in the aftermath of divorce; your posts remind me of dealing with my husband's ex who is so unaware of the damage that her manipulations have caused.  I'm not judging you, trust me, I'm just stating what my gut reaction to reading your posts were.  You state over and over that this is all about YOUR situation and YOUR family and what is best for YOU; the purpose of the board is for people to come together and support one another and share knowledge.  I don't think you were ever unwelcome here, I think you just opened alot of wounds for people whose guts are torn up inside resulting from the inability to help their/our own children.

I haven't been a member here long and I sure haven't posted much; I read alot on these boards; often times signing off crying as I feel the pain in the posts as I relate all to well. I feel like I know the regular posters personally because I have gotten to know them through their posts.  You seem callous to the devastation expressed, perhaps that is a sign that this isn't the proper forum for you to acheive your goals---it seems that this board is causing you much more stress than it is worth.  

Hopefully, your family is blessed with peace in the future.  I hope that you take responsibility for your role whatever it may have been, in the divorce process.  I can only imagine that your exwife is glad that you made the decision you did no matter what the reason; that is the positive--your daughter is with the parent that truly wants custody and that is the best outcome for everyone involved.  

Title: View from the backseat.....
Post by: cathy on Jan 04, 2005, 04:05:19 AM
Guys - this isn't helping anyone, so why is it continuing?  No one is going to say "Oh, you are right and I am wrong" - - - mostly because no one in this IS right or wrong.  

I have been around these forums for a while, although I only follow this one sporadically, and maybe that gives me a little distance to see things in a different light.  I am not trying to stir the pot, but honestly just trying to help and offer my thoughts.

Sitting here, I see wrong and right in both "sides".  But I do want to point a few things out - -

EVERYONE'S situation is different and unique.   None of us have been thru the same situation, felt the same things, taken the same actions.  I think ALL parties could stand to respect that a little more than is being shown.  I think if you stop trying to be "right" and truly try to see and understand the other person's situation and recognize the pain/confusion/anger from that situation - even though it is different from your own - maybe both sides could actually help the other.........or at least coexist peacefully!

Now, I'm sure lots of people will disagree with me and flame me - but truthfully, I think a lot of this is gender bias against bigsigh/ivehadit/whatever.   How many have dealt with a PBFH that has gone to extraordinary means to keep the kids from their father?  How many have dealt with every nasty/insane/psychotic trick in the book that the custodial PBFH will pull to get and keep the kids from their father?  How many have wished that the PBFH would "see the light" and recognize that the father was important?  That the child needed BOTH parents?  

Would you be happy if the PBFH you deal with, the one that may have done everything in her power to keep your child away from you - - -if she had an insight into what she was doing and changed her ways?  If she admitted to being wrong?  If she wanted to change things and give you the time you deserved with your child?  If she recognized that you were a good parent and she was dead wrong in keeping your child from you?

Isn't that what we all want?  For kids to have BOTH parents involved in their lives?  For both parents to support the involvement of the other in their child's life?

I would think that a CP that had recongized this and had changed would be a great resource to have.

I also understand the other side.  I do see where there can be such frustration and anger at the situation itself.  Sometimes pain can be so overwhelming that there seems to be nothing else.  And to have that and to be in a situation and have someone with exactly what you want, seemingly throw it away - - - it is mind boggling.  It is unfathomable.  I truly do understand that.

But I'm sitting here damn near in tears now - and I have to say, I am not one to be moved to tears often.  But I sit here and think - if those of us coming to this board, if we can't manage to reach some understanding, some commonality - if we can manage to empathize with each other - - - how in the hell can we ever expect it to happen with the divorced parents of our children?  How can we ever expect our children to have what they deserve - both parents involved and there for them?

I truly hope this is taken in the spirit in which it was intended.  I will not be responding to post on this topic because it is not my intent to further this conflict.
Title: I think they are wondering why the poster is here..
Post by: olanna on Jan 04, 2005, 06:14:32 AM
and why the poster shared the story at all...not that most of us aren't already in so much pain, it's hard to describe...but consider the amount of salt that was dumped into the wound for most of us.

The poster says life is good now...would you be here defending yourself if life was good?  I am betting that you would have blown it off and found somewhere else to invest your time.  

JMO
Title: YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD
Post by: joni on Jan 04, 2005, 07:41:20 AM

I believe that Bigsigh is a sadistic custodial mom.  YOu're right, the passion here comes from the pain we all deal with regarding our children.  

For Bigsigh to come on this board and BRAG about  how "HE"  gave up custodial of his daughter....back to the wonderful mother....and how great "HIS" life is after "HE" gave "HIS" daughter up.....and what a horrible stepmother "HIS" current wife turned out to be.....

Come on!  That's what we all bitch about here, the antithesis of this scenario.  A big chunk of us on this board are stepmothers who passionately fight along side of DH or SO"s for our stepchildren to be in our lives.  

Title: RE: YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD
Post by: olanna on Jan 04, 2005, 07:53:55 AM
I know what you say is true.  I also know that if I had custody of my own son, I wouldn't come here again, except to say that my efforts paid off and for those of you fighting to stay in the lives of your children, keep up the battle.  

;)
Title: Joni you are a literary genius!!!!
Post by: Bolivar on Jan 04, 2005, 08:11:49 AM
Joni you are a literary genius!!!!

What you said is what I was trying to say.  I just couldn't find the words to express what I was feeling.

You are the Goddess for this Month!*!*!

And olanna,,,, I nominate you the runner up.

Now we can wrap up this thread.  :-)
Title: ola, you really wouldn't?
Post by: catherine on Jan 04, 2005, 08:12:06 AM
come back?  Even if you were CP, you'd still have the ass to deal with.  It doesn't stop when one becomes CP or NCP - it's the other parent that is the problem, no matter the designation.  

DH is CP now but that doesn't mean either of us can stop learning from other NCP's.  And as kids grow older and actually want a voice on where to live, who knows whom will be CP in the future.  It's always better to be informed, IMO.

As for bigsigh, well, I didn't agree with his/her posts from day one.  I saw it was pointless so why bother.  Apparently he/she made the right decision for the child and I guess that's all that counts.  I would guess that his posts are as welcome here as an NCP asking for ways to hide their income on a CP board for those dealing with deadbeats...
Title: No, I wouldn't but my ex is 3500 miles away...
Post by: olanna on Jan 04, 2005, 08:31:51 AM
and there isn't much he can do to me from that distance if I have custody of the child.

My life would be peaceful and full.
Title: ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
Post by: Bolivar on Jan 04, 2005, 08:34:21 AM

[em] ".........his posts are as welcome here as an NCP asking for ways to hide their income on a CP board for those dealing with deadbeats...[/em]

Very insight full.  Boy I'm learning a lot today. :-)
Title: RE: what does it take to get it through your head...
Post by: Brent on Jan 04, 2005, 08:56:34 AM
Prsonally, I think you're full of crap.


>Bolivar,
>
>will you get off of your soapbox already?

Bolivar has the right to post here, air his opinions, etc etc.  His posts have always (in my experience) been fair, thoughtful, and right on target.


>deal and hurt? What the heck do you think I am?

I've yet to determine what you are, but so far I'm tending towards 'troll'.  You asked.




>If you want to take on the world cause of NCP angst and bring
>it into your daily life and make your suffering that much more
>unbearable  

Frankly, I admire Bol for 'fighting the good fight', as they say, instead of just giving up and slinking away. Without people like him, your world would be a lot less pleasant. So, just sit back in your easy chair and let the rest of us do the heavy lifting, okay? That way you can watch Oprah and not worry about anything else.


Title: RE: how to respond?
Post by: Brent on Jan 04, 2005, 09:34:32 AM
>if that's the case Brent, then what is with Bolivar posting
>this "fake" thing, for the second time I've been here - and
>why, in god's name is he just not letting this issue drop?

Because it appears you're a fake, or a troll. I have to agree with Bolivar, you're a very, very suspicious poster.



>aren't I a person here, with a right to be here?

Not necessarily. Even though I've used the term, the fact is, no one has the "right" to be here. We're all here because we're allowed to be, not because we have some "right" to be here.

There is also no "right" not to have other posters questiuon what you post, plain and simple. I've looked through most of the posts, and I agree with Bolivar. You're beyond suspicious.


>
>Why is Bolivar trying to make me feel so rotten for choosing
>to be the NCP to my daughter then?

I don't believe that's his goal.


>
>Why is MSD bombarding me with 20 questions of "have I ever.."

Because he'd like answers to his questions. I don't blame him, I'd like to see your answers too.
Title: Bigsigh, you still dont get it.
Post by: Peanutsdad on Jan 04, 2005, 09:48:35 AM
You had what every ncp here dreams of,, more time with your child. BUT YOU DIDNT WANT IT.

You prefer the company of your company, ( no pun intended), to that of your child. You wanted someone else to raise your child while you had custody.

Since you couldnt take that easy way out, you elected to give your child back to your ex.


Now, you wonder why you run into such bitterness on this site??  You are absolutely right, you dont belong here.

Look,, whether yer a shmuck, or a troll, you got what you wanted in your situation, why keep coming here?? You dont have anything useful to offer the folks here.
Title: Not so fast!
Post by: kitten on Jan 04, 2005, 09:50:09 AM
EVERYONE here has been helpful for me just by telling their story and sharing their opinions/pain.  This board is very highly emotionally charged, but everyone one here has something to offer.  CP and NCP are titles.  The real issue is making sure the children are ok.  The system is SCREWED!  Those of us who have had the luxury to choose what is best for our children have done so and our stories are valid too.  Does not mean we don't sympathize.  Sorry, Bol but I feel calling Bighsigh a fake was way out of line.  At the same time, I have seen your pain in Will's face and and held him while he cried and felt helpless.  
The difference between CP and NCP could be 1%.  I am CP, my ex is NCP- We have about 51%/49%.  My point is that these are just titles and the real issue is that most of the time, the kids lose, but once in a while they win too.





Title: Olana
Post by: Peanutsdad on Jan 04, 2005, 09:56:25 AM
Exactly!

I did win custody of my daughter,, but I still frequent this board and mine simply due to what I went thru in hopes I can make someone elses struggle easier.
Title: RE: Not so fast!
Post by: olanna on Jan 04, 2005, 10:01:46 AM
It's people like bigsigh/ivehadit that take everyone on this board backwards in terms of progress.  I compare this poster (in my mind only) to a child abuser that got away with abusing a child and then told the world how wrong the court system was in believing how great the abuser pretended to be.  This poster almost seems to assume HERO status for taking heart and doing the right thing...(excuse me, but I feel the vomit rising in throat now).

I'm still burning from the hurt and I don't think this has a thing to do with NCP/CP status.  Most of us on this board would give up a kidney or a lung to have what this poster claims to have had..

Title: RE: Olana
Post by: olanna on Jan 04, 2005, 10:05:03 AM
Well, when my boy is allowed to at least call me and come see me...I will post that for encouragement to the others here that are struggling everyday with the pain of not being allowed to be involved in the lives of their children.

But you are correct...if I had that, I wouldn't be here.  I wouldn't need the support anymore.
Title: yes Olanna!!!
Post by: joni on Jan 04, 2005, 10:13:10 AM

I share my Goddess title with you this month.

Kitten, you're a great CP.  You got screwed as a NCP/SM.  I have to back Bolivar on this one, the contention is....and if you go through Bigsigh's posts from the back several months...Bigsigh is a troll pretending to be something they are not to sadistically torture the people on this board.