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Main Forums => Father's Issues => Topic started by: Chooch0566 on Apr 17, 2006, 08:23:01 AM

Title: Getting Ready To Give Up !!
Post by: Chooch0566 on Apr 17, 2006, 08:23:01 AM
CP (aka, babies momma) is causing way too much stress and strife in life...she recently called DCYF on my wife because daughter came back to her with a scratch on her shoulder and told BP that it was from a towel that my wife threw at her ... lie.

CP, doesn't make anything easy .. whether it's todo with complying to visitation or me being able to take my daughter on vacation with me for a week .. it's ALWAYS a fight ..

Does anyone know what's involved in reliquishing one's parental rights ..

Please respond .. this is chewing on my mind and I'm about to go crazy !!

Title: RE: Getting Ready To Give Up !!
Post by: Stepmom0418 on Apr 17, 2006, 08:29:31 AM
I know your frusteration!! I know its hard! How old is daughter??

I suggest getting you and your wife into some counseling just for your own sanity!

Please dont give up on daughter just because the CP wants to mess with you and your wife! Fight her every step of the way! Tooth and Nail!!

Your daughter needs you and in the long term I think you  would regret a decision that terminated your rights!

Feel free to PM me anytime you or your wife need to talk to someone!
Title: RE: Getting Ready To Give Up !!
Post by: Chooch0566 on Apr 17, 2006, 08:33:55 AM
Daughter is 4 years old ..
apparantly we have a situation here where my daughter is telling us one thing and telling her mother another ...

CP is making it very difficult, and now is at the point where she does not want my daughter at the house anymore because of the problems CP is and continues to create.

It's come to the point of .. it's either my marriage or my daughter that I choose ..

I'm seriously loosing it !
Title: RE: Getting Ready To Give Up !!
Post by: Stepmom0418 on Apr 17, 2006, 08:42:51 AM
Ok daughter is 4. My daughters also did this same thing. Telling dad one thing and me the other.........just an FYI my daughters were telling me what they thought I wanted to hear and dad what they thought he wanted to hear.

This is in no way your daughters fault. Sounds like maybe your wife should come on board here at sparc for some suggestions and some help in dealing with some of the issues. There are plenty here that are willing and able to help.

I am divorced and remarried.
From my first marriage I am CP and father is no longer involved with the 2 girls.
From my 2nd marriage Dh and I have a boy and a girl that live with us.
Dh has a son from a previous relationship (never married)
So we are CP to 4 and ncp to 1

Dh's ex has tried alot of crappy stuff and yes the thought has in the past crossed our minds to terminate parental rights. BUT, who wins.......not ss and not Dh ..........BM would win! Aint no way in he$$ Dh is gonna let her win at SS's cost!!

As for your daughter ..........who would win???

Again feel free to Pm me if you feel the need. I will listen and help the best i can but i still feel that you would regret it in the end.
Title: RE: Getting Ready To Give Up !!
Post by: Chooch0566 on Apr 17, 2006, 09:11:20 AM
I know that I will regret it in the end .. but in order to maintain my sanity AND my marriage, I think that this is the only way ...

Give CP what she wants and when my daughter is old enough .. I'll still be there for her, when and if she comes looking for me.

The stress and strain that this is putting on my wife and my marriage is incredible.
Title: RE: Getting Ready To Give Up !!
Post by: dadinffx on Apr 17, 2006, 10:31:09 AM
DONT DO IT! I am in a very similar situation. BM is intent on making my life and my wife's life a living hell!. Your daughter should come first...she is your blood. When your wife married you she knew there was baggage and she accepted that. A little girl needs a father in her life it is very important!!!
Title: RE: Getting Ready To Give Up !!
Post by: Chooch0566 on Apr 17, 2006, 10:37:50 AM
I know that if I were to , I would regret it.  So, How do you suggest decreasing the DRAMA ?  This woman's sole purpose in life is to make my family's life miserable ..
Title: Some advice
Post by: Ref on Apr 17, 2006, 12:44:25 PM
1.Do everything in writing and sent certified.

2. Have someone less emotionally involved proof read your letters and translate the letters she writes to you.

3. If you have talk over the phone, record all conversations (make sure to notify her of this, if your state requires it)

4. Find ways to avoid BM - Go directly to school for that info, Dr's for that info etc...

5. Follow everything in you agreement to the T.

6. Don't expect to get anything more than what your agreement. Keep asking but know that you are 99.9% likely not to get it.

7. Learn how to deal with her being horrible to you. You will not change her being a crazy b*tch but you can change the amount of power she has over you.

8. Be the co-parent that you would want her to be. You have to look yourself in the mirror every day.

9. Keep posting on this site (we are good proof readers here too). We as a collective have seen everything and can help you know what to do or at least warn you on what you shouldn't do.

10. Take care of yourself. This means surrounding yourself with family and friends that love you. This isn't easy and you will need the support.

Take Care
Title: RE: Some advice
Post by: reagantrooper on Apr 18, 2006, 05:39:00 AM
OK I hear what you are saying! Now hear me!


Get these weak thoughts out of your head NOW! If your current Wife is not being supportive DX her not your Daughter! If she is saying she does not want your Girl at your house I think you should be looking at her motives. Is she making the situation worse? If my current wife pulled that crap I truly belive I would tell her to hit the road.

A Daughter is a Daughter for life. A Wife is just a Wife untill the Divorce!

Fight and keep on fighting for your Girl dont F***ing give up!!!!!!!

Good luck to you!!
Title: RE: Some GREAT advice
Post by: FatherTime on Apr 18, 2006, 05:48:12 PM
Ref hit it right on the head.  I went through much of the same *&(^%$(.

At all pickups and dropoffs, take a witness.  Let her see you writing in your log book, record all pertinent info.  If she sees you writing, she will be cooler.  She will know that she might have to answer for her actions.  

Don't get upset.  It gives her power.  Just be cool and record everything. If she sees you recording pickups she will wonder what other records you are keeping.  *see timetrackker or Optimal.*

I can tell you one thing too.  Never give up.  It is worth it to your child.  It will help your child feel confident and loved.  

Title: RE: Getting Ready To Give Up !!
Post by: wendl on Apr 18, 2006, 07:22:25 PM
The drama will never really end, but don't give her fuel for the fire.

Document everything.  It isn't easy being a stepmom, I have had things said about me to, BUT my dh and I will NEVER let his ex between us, his kids are #1 to him and my son is #1 to me and dh and I come 2nd.

BM does this to ruin your marriage, don't let her.  If she continues to call CPS they file a complaint that she is abusing the system and taking the CPS workers away from cases that really need looking into. After a few CPS calls from BM and they are found unfounded and dismissed, CPS will figure out what BM is doing.

Kids at 4 tell parents what they think the parents want to hear.  It is not your daughters fault, continue to work with your daughter about what the meaning of a lie and the truth is. She will figure it out in time as she gets older.

Most courts will not allow parents to give up their rights unless their is a stepparent adoption.

Keep inforcing values in your daughter, I would hate to see a parent loose the ability to have a relationship with their child, both the child and the parent looses and the child will go thru life thinking his/her dad/mom didn't love them and that would cause more harm than Drama the bms makes.

Your wife needs to understand this is your little girl and that she is important to you and that you two need to work together to deal with the issues at hand, go to counseling or something to help cope with the stress.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**
Title: Things to remember.....
Post by: msme on Apr 19, 2006, 08:27:39 PM
You are not responsible for the actions of an irresponsible person. You are only responsible for your response to them. My son exchanged the kids at the police station. His ex would start fights every week. His therapist reminded him that it still takes 2 to have an arguement. When she would go off, he would quietly ask her if there was anything she needed to tell him about the children. She would just scream louder, so he would say good-bye, get in the car & drive away, leaving her screaming in the parking lot.

It took about 5 or 6 weeks but eventually she realized that nothing she said could provoke him to fight & she stopped. He did keep asking the therapist to explain why things were the way they were. His therapist told him that he had to stop trying to rationalize the actions of an irrational person.

I think that may be what you are trying to do. You cannot fix or control this. You can only control how you handle it & how you respond to it. I think you should take the other poster's advice & find a good family counselor. It gives you a good place to vent & will teach you coping skills.

When you take a witness to the pick-up, also take a video camera. It has an amazing effect on some people's behavior when they realize that they are being video taped.

What ever you do, don't give up. Your little girl needs you. Her daddy is the most important person in her world. I posted some suggestions on the other post you have. I hope I have helped. I will keep all of you in my prayers.

Good luck & God bless.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!
Title: RE: Things to remember.....
Post by: debid13065 on Apr 20, 2006, 06:43:12 AM
BF does the pick-ups at the Police Station as well, but the X will hold open the passanger door, rage at him over the children, or will hold onto the car, and he keeps repeating, can we go now?  It usually ends up with the police intervening (sp?)
Title: In that case.....
Post by: msme on Apr 20, 2006, 08:02:24 AM
get there early. Go inside & ask for an officer to be present as a peace keeping presence. This way there will be a record of her behavior & your attempt to keep it nice.

Do not respond to anything she says, unless it is important to the children & then only nice responses. The police would much rather keep things under control than break up a fight. Besides, a fight makes you look just as bad as her.

If she starts anything the officer will intervene & warn her to just exchange the children. If she continues, he will arrest her for disorderly conduct. You will come out smelling like a rose, IF you just keep your mouth shut.

When you return the kids, again get there early & have the kids out of & away from your car. When you see her pulling in, tell them you love them & will see them soon. Give them hugs & kisses & as soon as the car stops, send them to her, telling them to go give her hugs & kisses. This will give you time to pull away before she can attack.

If she should be so stupid as to block your exit, then stay in your car with the windows up & the doors locked. Start blowing your horn in sets of 3 beeps. the police will come out & investigate & she will be in trouble.

Sometimes the solution is as easy as out manuevering them.

Good luck & God bless!
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!
Title: RE: Getting Ready To Give Up !!
Post by: txblonde on May 03, 2006, 11:59:46 AM
When you stop playing the game, the game is over.  

Once you make the decision to have no contact with BM, it is the exact same as terminating rights, because you are doing it on your own behalf.  For every action, there is a reaction.  Live your life based on your rules, not BM's.  Be active, not reactive.  
Title: RE: Things to remember.....
Post by: chatterbox906 on May 04, 2006, 11:17:52 AM
Is taking things back to court an option?  I know when my dh was having this trouble the judge actually recommended a social worker to do drop offs and pick ups.  Mom would drop off to social worker and dad would pick up from social worker.  
Title: RE: Things to remember.....
Post by: msme on May 04, 2006, 01:57:44 PM
He will need proof. Police reports of the need for a peace keeping presence, can be used but only if he can keep his mouth shut & look like super dad.

When he has his daughter, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER discuss her mother. If she starts talking about what goes on at mommy's house, change the subject to something fun. A simple, "That's nice. Lets get out your candyland game." Then do it. If she persists, sweetly tell her that what happens at mommy's house stays at mommy's house. Just like what happens here should stay here.

If it is something that sets off alarms, don't say a word. Get a family counselor & let her tell the counselor. That way he can't be accused of influencing her. Take lots of pics & videos. It is pretty hard for her to prove that the child is unhappy with daddy when he has albums full of pics of them playing games, doing things, going places, etc.

Good luck & God bless.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!
Title: RE: Getting Ready To Give Up !!
Post by: Aggiedad on May 11, 2006, 10:32:43 AM
I want to first tell you that I am a CP to my daughter and I am put in the same position even though I have custody.  My wife has told me several times that it is either her or us.  My wife (who will now finish this) will tell you what she thinks you and your wife can do to get based this.

I truely understand how your wife feels.  No one will truely understand how a step parents fells unless they become one.  I have a 7 year old stepdaughter who longs to have her mother love her.  Because I love her like my own, she takes every shot she can to take it out on me.  She releases everything out at me and it drives me crazy.  My mother in law and husband did nit believe me for several years until my mother in law recently cam to stay with me during my maternity leave and saw what SD was doing to me when she taught no other adult was around.  I have had to seek counsleing outside of the home for my sanity and for the sake of my marriage.  I did not know that I would be raising this child for my husband and his EX.  I knew she would be there in the weekends but never did I believe I would be her 24/7 mother and have to deal with the reprocuahions of her mother's and grandmother's actions.  I am not pushing religion, but I look for strength within myself and the lord and remind myself constantly "THIS TOO SHALL PASS!" The BM even purposely got pregnant when I did so her child could be better in the daughter's eyes then the one that I had.  She even named it what I had picked out.  I knew this was going to happen so I secretly told my step daughter two name that I really hated and she told her mom those names and the BM used one of the two.  So BM thinks that she got one over me, but in reality, I set her up.  It is really little stuff like that that keeps me going for now and the fact that no matter what happens I love my husband and could not make him choose.  Even though I want to TONS of times.  I try and support him for my two wonderful kids sake because they need their daddy too.  I hope this helps.  I also agree with the other post that she needs to get on this webdite and post stuff to let off steam and get a general perspective of what she can do.  It helps.  I will pray for you and your very rough decision!  Aggiedad's wonderful wife LOL!
Title: RE: Getting Ready To Give Up !!
Post by: smtotwo on May 17, 2006, 07:36:45 PM
Absolutely send your wife here!!

My DHs ex had me put in Jail over a very busy weekend at the business I work for  by saying that I was going to kidnap HER children.

Umm just for the record...where would I take them?  I've had my house for 15 yrs....and  as mean as this sounds   I DONT LIKE HER CHILDREN!!

THey lie to her to get their way and will lie to DH in front of her about discipline at our house, saying we beat them, which they deserve but we've NEVER done!!

The other second wives here saved my sanity and probably our relationship as well.

Title: RE: Getting Ready To Give Up !!
Post by: SMLoyal on May 18, 2006, 04:21:45 PM
I have some things for you to consider, before you sign your child's life away.

One- in most cases it will not remove your child support obligation.

Two- my husband went a year without seeing his daughter, and it tore him up. We were able to beg and borrow money, putting us into debt, to force visitation with his daughter. Despite being in contempt in several different ways, she got a "now now, don't do that". Although my husband now sees his daughter regularly and his ex has chilled out. We believe it is because her new husband is a pretty decent guy and keeps her in line. I cringe at the thought of her with some power-trip jerk or if she had stayed single and un-medicated (oh yes, medicated).

Our baby daughter now loves her big sissy, and my step-daughter is a smart, sweet and beautiful child that we love to bits. She loves her little sister, and she knows that her dad loves her and is willing to fight for her (she heard her mom's side and parroted to us- without bad-mouthing, we corrected a few things she told us). It breaks my heart to think that she would hve to grow up thinking her dad "didn't want her" (which is what CP told her).

Three- my father gave up on his first 2 kids from his first marriage. They grew up with all kinds of poison from their mother saying that he left her (lie, she left him and moved 1000 miles), and wouldn't pay child support (she told him to stay away OR she would file for child support), and that he was living up the rich life with his new family and kids in Florida and didn't care about them. THey grew up hating him. Literally hating him.

We have had contact with them, at a point we tried to work things out after they became adults- and after several years of my dad helping them financially for about 7 years (he has money now, but not when we were young- we shopped at food banks), he finally said "okay, you should be well off enough to take care of yoruselves now", they turned on him. It was horrible, and it tore my dad apart.
Title: RE: Things to remember.....
Post by: SMLoyal on May 18, 2006, 04:42:35 PM
>... When she would go off, he
>would quietly ask her if there was anything she needed to tell
>him about the children. She would just scream louder, so he
>would say good-bye, get in the car & drive away, leaving her
>screaming in the parking lot.
>It took about 5 or 6 weeks but eventually she realized that
>nothing she said could provoke him to fight & she stopped.

This is excellent advice! I'm not a therapist yet (and wasn't even in school when husband and I met), but I used this advice on  my husband. When I met him, they would still have screaming fights. On the phone, I could hear her clear as a bell from a totally different room in the house. It was rediculous! I had to put my foot down and tell my husband that he is *NOT* to raise his voice at her, he is *NOT* to call her names, he is *NOT* to bait her or respond to her bait. It was like when he talked to her he turned into an irrational goon!

He was to keep the discussion about step-daughter only. If she goes off, hang up. Seriously. I made him hang up on her. I also made him hang up if HE started to yell or bait. At first it pissed her off, but then she realized that she couldn't manipulate him anymore, she was not in control of him (it was one of those, "I don't want you, but you have to keep wanting me and doing what I say" relationships). THAT sent her into a spin that led to my husband not seeing his daughter for a year until we took her to court for contempt.

Now she's remarried, we suspect medicated from passing comments from her and step-daughter, and on her 2nd kid by new husband (who seems to be a pretty ok guy so far). She is a LOT more mellow, and we don't have to worry about screaming fights anymore. AND we see step-daughter pretty regularly, although my husband is still afraid to fix the visitation as she verbally agreed to (some holiday alterations), or to file for joint legal without changing primary physical.