SPARC Forums

Hi-

I am new to the site, but have found it to be great.

I am looking for anybody that may be able to help.  Does anybody out there know of a case - or if it is possible- to sue the bm for not telling bf?

Three months ago I was approached by Dept of Social Services to submit to a DNA paternity test.  Mind you I have been married 16 years - known my wife for 17.  After consulting with my attorney - he said to do it.  The results are 99.9% I am the father of a 17- soon to be 18 year old.  I now must pay child support for the next 15 months - we had negotiated no back support or medical - Thank God!

I am so angry!  I feel that she has really done me wrong!   and used the state system to its fullest!  It was a one night thing - which was wrong- however she has denied me the opportunity to have a relationship with my own child.  My wife and I had such a terrible time conceiving our children and we are now blessed.  I know in my heart if bm would have been honest from the beginning we (my wife and I) would have been there!  I am a great guy and a great dad to my 3 year old and 5 month old.  This has really taken a toll on my family too.  My wife is a mess- stressed out - it has affected her ability to nurse our infant.  

This may sound bad -  I just want some justice! and I truly don't want this to happen to anybody else.  BM should be responsible to their childrens father.  Her parents, and siblings knew I was the father and kept it from me.  I was the only one listed for the paternity test.

I could go on, but really looking for information or feedback.
I don't even know what to do with this child.  I know how to be a parent to a 3 year old not a 17 year old.

I look forward to any replies.

I know this sounds VERY harsh, but the world of child custody, paternity, and family court is very harsh.  So you ONLY have to pay support for the next 15 months?  You got off easy!  With just a little pushing, the BM could VERY easily saddled you with back support to the date of birth!  You could be in automatic arrears for THOUSANDS of dollars!

As for what the BM has done in not informing you till now, there ain't a damn thing you can do about it.  This kind of thing happens to fathers ALL the time.  There is no law that I know of that makes what she's done illegal.  I have a feeling that the child was starting to ask about his/her father and the only way she could do that was to file paternity.  There is also the possibility that the child is looking at college and help to finance it, so the BM did this to point the child in another direction for funds.  Who knows what her motives were, but what's done is done.  Get counseling for you and your wife if need be, but accepting it and moving on is the only viable alternative that I can see.........JMO.

-----I don't even know what to do with this child. I know how to be a parent to a 3 year old not a 17 year old.-----

Have you talked to the child yet?  Are you willing to?  Is she willing to know her father?  I have to say...when I was discharged from the hospital with my son, i couldn't believe no one was coming with me.  I mean...gee...what was I sposed to do with this teeny thing?  I could deal with him being in my tummy for 9 months...but in my arms?  huh? I knew nothing about being a parent to a newborn, but I learned...and so will you.  You'll be just fine, and you know it!

We have talked briefly on the phone - very stressed - really nothing to speak about... I try and initiate conversation and it is answered by yes and no's.  We have talked maybe 3 times.

This sounds harsh, but I don't think I can every be a "parent" to him.  She denied me of a bonding period and frankly I don't know what he has been told all these years.  I want to ask him, but don't what to put him a bad position. If that makes sense.

I think I need to point blank ask him what he wants and then decided - after speaking with my wife- if I (we) can do this.  

Thanks for your reply

Thank you for your reply.  It is very harsh - this world of custody, paternity ect.  It just seems that fathers get the raw end of the deal.  In reality, the decisions I am facing today would have had to be dealt with 18 years ago IF she would have been honest.  Now I have my wife and children to consider and they are my priority.  Things could have been so different, especially for this young man.  He could have had a male figure in his life, a father.  I will never be a father to him - not in the sense that I am to my two small children.

The only reason that this came up is because she is on state aid and she wanted to go back to college and finish her degree.  She told me that she can only be on state aid until he is 19 and that would give her 5 semesters to finish.  When she went in to request additional assitance - they pushed the issue of paternity - since the case worker finally noticed there was none (after all this time)  SO .. she came right out and told me that if she had not gone back to school, I would not even know that I had a 17 year old son.....

That adds fuel to my anger.... I hope you can understand

What this "MOM" did to her son and to you may not be against the law. But one thing is for sure it is/was EVIL and this "mom" is evil. She will get whats coming to her someday!

Although it may not have been ileagal what she did you can still sue her and make her answer to you and your son (not that it will matter to him she is his MOM).

Thanks for your reply.

EVIL is a good word for this.

I found on the website, a WV Supreme Court decision that may work... then I must find an attorney to carry it through.  You know at this point, I don't even really care if I win anything...I just would like her to go through the pain that me and my family are going through.  And to also decide if this is the right thing to do or just my anger.  

The other thing to consider is that she is on state aid, going to school so really she has no money until she graduates in 2005...

If I do this, it may affect any future relationship that I have with him.  At this point I don't really think there will be much of one.

I know I am coming across like a very cold person, which I am not.  I'm sorry.

What a mess...  Thanks again

OK, if I may put in my 2 cents.
Yes you have been wrongened. Guess what, that is why most of us are here. The question is what are you going to do.
1) Take her to court, try to get your revenge (even though it may be deserved) and at the same time teaching all three of your children to always get revenge, and therefor never having a relationship with your child who will resent you for doing that to his mother.
2) Forgive, be thankful you have a special gift of a child, even if he is older, you have a big brother for your younger kids. Talk to your son, let him know you did not know of his existance and that you want to know who he is as a person.
Of course it will be aquard in the beginning. Do not cut yourself off because of bad feelings. The childs mother is not what you have to deal with the rest of the childs life, it is the child.

First off, congratulations on finding out that you are a father, although a bit late, it is still a blessing in disguise...disguise being the key word here because you have yet to learn what will become of it.

Don't punish your son for his mother's misdeeds and thoughtlessness.  The only parent he's ever known was his mother and now, he has a father....he's old enough to understand that you were unaware of his existance.  But now that you do, build on that....start over, if you can.  You might regret it later if you don't.  

Don't go start punishing his mother now...there really isn't anything you can do.  He is, after all, almost an adult, so any decisions to be made FOR him will be made BY him.  Just let him know that you will be there for him now and for always.  

As for the child support issue, we have to pay for the next 20 years, so be grateful you only have five months ahead of you...and know that she only did that for her own selfish reasons.

I don't blame you for being angry.  If you want to pursue damages against this woman, you would have to consult with an attormey.  

Why not just attempt to get to know your oldest kid?

I know what the BM and her family did was awful, but look at it this way:  you have a child that was lost and now is found!  Congratulations, and my best to you and your family :-)

oops...i'm sorry...

I kept calling your "he" a "she".  

You have to keep in mind that this lil dude might have been told some awful lies about you, and just like you, he's scared.  Nothing is going to happen overnight, so bear with him.  He's a 17 year old kid filled with all that crazy teenage stuff and now he finds out his dad "is" a real person.  That's alot to deal with at such a young age.  I know being 17 alone, is enough to make anyone go nuts....poor kid.  

-----This sounds harsh, but I don't think I can every be a "parent" to him. -----

Do you want to?  Would you like to get to know him?  Maybe your wife can help this along.  I know this is completely different, but my hub has a sister who left the family about 15 years ago (lies, deception, all that good soap opera shit).  Hub thought she hated him, she thought he hated her...his parents lied to him about this whole situation.  Anyway, I found her friends phone number and started talking to her.  The friend and I were the "go betweens" because neither my hub or his long lost sister were "ready" to deal with each other yet.  I think that worked out pretty well.  Would your wife be willing to help?

-----She denied me of a bonding period -----

Sort of.  She denied you your newborn son, that's for sure.  You didn't see his first tooth, or watch him hit a home run.  You missed all of his schooling, and didn't get to teach him to tie his shoes...but now you have the opportunity to know him.  You can bond with him, even though he's almost an adult.  If things work out, you get to watch him blossom into a wonderful man, get married, have kids...I know it doesn't cancel out the things you've missed...but you can't change the past.  

-----I think I need to point blank ask him what he wants and then decided - after speaking with my wife- if I (we) can do this. -----

Maybe so.  All you can do is ask.  If he wants nothing to do with you, that's just too bad.  I'd continue trying, if I were you.

BTW...what the HELL would possess her to ask for child support when the child is almost an adult??????????  It's hard enough trying to figure out why she didn't tell you she was pregnant...but then to do this???  I don't get it!

Thanks... It's going to be hard and like I have said I guess I need to figure out not only what he wants but what is right for me to.

My wife keeps telling me that it takes 2 to have a relationship - that it can't be onesided....

I think I'll sign up for a lobotomy... HA

Thanks for the reply.

I don't know right now if I want anything.  The BM is pressuring me for more contact with him and I have explained that I need time... time to figure things out... time to work through the financial details and she just doesn't respect it.

Her sister (the b/m) is now contacting my wife - which really, she is trying to stay out of and just support my in my decisions.  The sister calls during the day when I am not home and if my wife says to call and speak to me.. she doesn't and she keeps calling.  So now we have caller ID.  They both have contacted my mother - who now is not speaking to me or my wife- and my youngest brother- who called me and wrote me an email- basically telling me how wrong I am.  

Is it wrong that I need time???

and my thoughts will be with you and your family.:-)

-----Is it wrong that I need time???-----

OF COURSE NOT!!!!!  You'd be a moron to jump right in, not knowing anything about this child.  

Here you are, putting along in life...getting married, having kids, living your life your way.  Then, all of a sudden, BAM...you have a 17 year old?  Gee...that's like walking down the street and having a hoodlum crack your skull with a bat...ya know?

Both you and your "new" son are going to need alot of time to figure this out.  I gotta say...you just had your entire world flipped upside down.  And that is an understatement!!!!!

Take the time you need, this is a VERY important decision you need to make.  I would send him cards and stuff around the holidays, and continue making the calls...but man...this is one situation I would never want to be in.  

I'm not all into therapists, but maybe you need to talk to a professional about this.  You've just been slam dunked with some serious emotional issues...maybe a counselor could help you.

Now I have to ask...why is your mother ignoring you?????

I totally understand how you feel.  I found out a year ago that I have a 13 year old son.

I fought for a year and did receive shared parental responsibility.  I was so proud to have my son come visit with my family for the summer.  He fit right in.

I understand that things probably feel tense or weird...they did for me too, but I have a wonderful wife who accepted my son as her own.  Sometimes she tries to fit him into our life more than I do.

You should probably concentrate on being more of a friend to your son...you are already his father (whether you feel it or not).  The bond will form but not forced.

Also understand that he may never be as close as your other children, but he should always know that he has a father and here you are.

Good Luck to you and congradulations.

From one Forgotten Father to another.

It is completely normal to desire justice and hold this person to some form of accountability especially when considering the strife it is probably causing in your family not to mention the young man that grew up not knowing his father and a father's influence.

A parent that denies a child of the other parent (and visa versa) is of the upmost evil being and should be called to answer to the fullest.  

At this point in time, contacting the government (Social Services) attempting to be financially rewarded by extorting money from you is a severe abuse of the intent and purpose of the child support system.

It is hoped that you and your son can develop and work on a relationship.  Apparently you have no knowledge of this boys' upbringing and disposition so be cautious of the darkness of the BM's influence.  It may take some effort to locate/retain legal counsel to aggressively pursue this matter (if that is what you decide).

Best of luck to you and yours.  

i wouldn't ask him point blank. that's way too much pressure to put on him. it's too passive-aggressive to leave that decision up to him. your son sees that his mother has lied to you all these years, and to him as well. he soon will no longer be a child, but a young man, and he'll still need a father. does he know how to hold a job? buy a car? manage money? buy a house? these lessons may not be as blissful as throwing a football or riding a bike, but they are just as important.

give this thread a read:
http://www.deltabravo.net/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=104&topic_id=580&mesg_id=580&page=

What she did was fraud.  It is usually not punished and the law is very fuzzy from what I understand.  We are not that far in the process and don't know that we will actually persue the fraud charges against the bm and her now ex husband for the fraud the perpetrated on my dh.  From what we have been told it is still a relatively new area in the legal arena and we were told that my dh would need to persue civil action against them.  At this point we are holding that card back.  It has kept the man who later claimed to be the father in check and helped us win some other legal battles in my dh's quest to be a part of his son's life.  His son is only 8 though.  He stlll feels robbed and cheated though.  She did a cruel and vicious thing.  She stole 8 years from him.  No one will ever be able to give them that time together back.  

At this point my personal opinion is that you probably won't be able to parent a 17 year old.  He wouldn't be accepting of it even if you did feel equipped to do it.  Try establishing a relationship of some type though and in the end you may end up being a "dad" which is better than being a parent any day!  

I know you want justice.  All men in this situation do.  There are more than you may realize.  Something precious was taken from them.  Something that there is no way for the courts to give back no matter what is done.  

If you ever want to talk to someone else who is going through some of this bs feel free to e-mail us.  We can show you some of the motions we have had to file.  DH had to fight to be recognized as the father because she got a man she met was fooling around with while she was with my dh to claim paternity and they intentionally defrauded my dh.  

One last note.  DH and sees and a good hunk of the time says what he'd like posted.  I'm the better typist so I do the posting.  

NoNicky & `cuda

All you can do is take it one day at a time.  He's probably as shocked as you are, but I'll bet if you both can have conversations, you'll find that you two have at least one common interest :-)

You guys have the rest of your lives to get to know each other.  Don't sweat it :-)

Notifying you 17 years after the fact is one thing, but harrassment is a horse of a different color.  If you have caller, can you print out all the calls that come in?  Talk to your local law enforcement and ask tme what they consider harrassment.  This is something neither you or your wife should have to put up with.  

The BM needs to be taught a lesson that it is NOT up to her for force a relationship, especially after DENYING one for 17 years!  ThaT if you and your son desire a relationship, that will be between the two of you, but NOT up to her.  And harrassment IS against the law and punishable.

I agree with the other posters regarding  a law suit.  It will just put a big wall between whatever relationship you and your son could have in the future.  

I also agree, be his friend, and it is possible he already has a "father figure" in his life.  Is she married?  Has that man raised your son as his own?

If she is pushing you to be involved in his life, that means that the son has made comments to her stating he wants you involved.  

Your best way to form a relationship is something you two do together, alone.  Like see if he wants to go to a ball game, something that is a "guy thing".  Start slow, and work up to him meeting your wife and other kids.  He needs to form a relationship with YOU before anyone else.  

Your wife is probably overwhelmed and with a newborn at home, doesn't need this pressure.  Do alot of this on your own, and make sure she is fulling informed of how you feel, what your plans are, etc. so she doesn't feel "out of the loop".  

Remember, whether 17 days old or 17 years old, it takes baby steps to form a relationship...and perhaps he is feeling you are holding back.  That may scare him away.  He's old enough to understand alot of your frustrations, and once you meet up face to face and get a "friend" relationship going, just talk to him, be honest about your fears and frustrations.  Don't slam the mom, just state "I just don't understand why..."

Good luck to you and yours!

Again thanks.... We live in a very small town and all of the help and advise from the site has been very helpful.  I (we) have considered therapy, but we don't feel they would be helpful or qualified for the money they would charge...

You are correct, I have had my world flipped upside down.  I know I am dwelling on the financial issue.  ALOT!  They are asking for nearly $600 - and right now we live paycheck to paycheck.  That fuels my fire to my anger and I have been very, very concerned that I am not in the "right" frame of mind to met this child.  Nobody understands that at this point.  So this leads up to my mother...

To preface, my mother and I have always been close.  My mother and my wife have been best friends for nearly 17 years.  When she learned of this (mind you she lives in the same town as this family) she contacted the b/m letting her know that she was there for anything she may need.  When she told us this, after the fact, we went beserk to say the least.  We asked her not to have contact until we figured out were we stand legally.  She agreed.

She has not abided by this.  She scheduled a meeting with the b/m and the child, again letting them know that she was there anytime for anything.  When we found this out I again became angry and felt betrayed by her.  My brother even called her and ask that she stay out of it - to which she replied she would.

There is more...

She bought them Christmas gifts - again sending me over the edge.  I am a  basketball coach and I had a game in the town where the b/m and child live.  I called the b/m and explained that I just was not in the right frame of mind to meet and to please, please respect this.  She said she would and explain it to him and would call if something would change.  I told her that we would meet - just not now.  I would be working and did not feel this would be the appropriate place or time.

When I entered the game, my mother was sitting with them.  She wouldn't even sit with my wife and kids.

She feels I am wrong to have not accepted him right from the beginning.  She expects me to open my heart and home, which at this point I just can't.  I believe it will come.

So to continue,  10 minutes before the game I am approached by this person.  He turned out to be the child.  I was in awe!  I couldn't even say anything and the only thing I was thinking was that I had been set up and that nobody respected my wishes.  I just looked at him and said "I have a game"  I then looked across the gym and my mother was sitting alone looking directly at me.  So she knew this was about to happen and couldn't even give me fair warning.  It was terrible.  It was awful!  I feel badly how it went down as I just walked away from him.

She, my mother, then approached my wife - at the game- and started attacking her verbally.  Telling her it was all her fault that I would not have a relationship with him.  She called her every name you could think of ... it got very ugly and ending with my wife slapping my mother.  Mind you she did this after having my mother point her finger in her chest and repeatedly saying to her you are a f... b....  NOBODY should have to put up with that.  I feel my wife was justified.  She was out of control.

I don't understand my mother right now.  How can she abandoned me and my family after 17 years.... I don't know what will happen as we have not spoken since then and it has been 2 weeks.

My wife is done with her, but has made the commitment that she will not stand in the way of her seeing the kids.  I respect her for that.

After it was all said and done, my mother went and sat again with them.  Her actions spoke very loud.  She sent me an email the following day saying she did not realize how a bad situation could get much worse.  She never apologized for her actions - but said she knows now she was wrong in contacting them.  I was informed that she had dinner with them last week.

Sorry this is so long....

So to everyone.... I HAVE briefly meet the child.  I don't know if I can at this point meet him again - with all that is going on.  I feel very strongly that I need to get things and keep things "strong" with my family, before I can reach out and even try.   Really before we can.   I fear that this will alienate him, but ... and this sounds horrible.. I don't know if I really care- as nobody, even he, has not  thought of me and my families feelings.  All I asked for was time to adjust.....

I ask, Why is it up to me to make everyone happy???

Maybe I do need a therapist....

All I can say is...........you are JUSTIFIED in every sense of the word to feel the way you do and so does your wife!  This explains a LOT in why you feel the way you do regarding meeting with him and your reaction to all this.

JMO, but your mother stepped WAY far over the line in doing what she has done.  And probably is continuing to do.  But I do wish you would consider counseling, for you and your wife.  I also live in a VERY small town (less than 2500), but there are larger towns/cities within 50 miles that have many professionals available.  I urge you to find one if you can.  If you have ins., there is always the possibility that it could be covered.  My ins. covers mental health and counseling and all I pay is a co-pay for visits.  They have to be pre-approved, but that isn't hard to do.

Wow.....meeting him for the first time at a basketball game for a team you coach.....in front of God knows how many people.  There's only one other suggestion I could make, and that's to write a letter to him and tell him how you're feeling, that you need time to adjust to all this, and that you need to proceed on your 'terms', not to be thrown or pushed into this by others.  You might also want to remind him that tho he may at least have known he had a father for some time (just didn't know 'who'), you are still trying to recover from the shock of the knowledge you even had a child all these years.  You could even say something that someone else said here, that relationships are BUILT, not born, that you do want a relationship with him, but it should be on yours and his terms, NOT anyone else's.

I wish you and your family all the best and God bless.......

First let me tell you how sorry I am that you are in this position and that your own mother put you there....she should have stayed out of it.  Doesn't she realize she is doing more harm than good?

Your wife is going through an awful lot right now...think how you would feel if you found out she had a 17 year old...it would be a HUGE adjustment and I cannot even imagine what she must be thinking.  I think she was VERY justified in standing up to your mother.  I would have done the same thing.

Right now, you need to sort out your mind and MAYBE seek some counselling to help you with all these conflicting feelings.  You have more reason than anyone to be confused and not know what to do next.  Also, your wife may need to talk to someone too and she needs to know that you are there for her and visa versa.

The child, or young man, in this case is probably also having a hard time...and both him and yourself never should have been put in such an awkward position where you are thrown together without either one knowing about it.  Shame on your mother and the bio mom for doing this!

I hope you and your family can get through this...it's hard and very trying, but with lots of support (which you will get here too!), it will get better.

Good luck...:-)

This past Father's day, my Father in law was surprised with a 42 year old son... his oldest son of 5 boys. My husband went from being the oldest to being the second oldest in a matter of minutes.

I was sceptical at first...he could have just been looking for a share of the in-laws' money, but I met him and he smiled and he is my FIL's son...no denying it.

It has not been all easy, but he now spends at least one weekend a month with his dad. He was welcomed with open arms and no expectations of what we were supposed to do for him. He expected nothing and got more than he could have asked or hoped. We expected nothing and we were blessed with a true family member who cares for each member as an individual. He adds more to the family than he takes.

You are looking at an almost adult male. The  only concern you need have is will you treat him at least as well as you treat a co-worker? A little warmth, a chance to show what he can do, and an opportunity to grow a relationship. Be who you are to those you coach, you teach, you guide where necessary, you encourage strengths and come along side the weaknesses. That is parenting a teenager you don't know.

Oh, and BTW, I have regained contact with my now 20 yo daughter after not seeing her for 12 years. We have not met face to face since the last time at age 8, .... BUT we instant message several times a week and we are planning to speak on the phone some day soon... when she has had enough time to get used to it.

Don't let your mother's actions and your reactions to them dictate your response to your son. Examine where you might have taken the relationship without her interference and point yourself back toward that goal.  It's going to be OK.

This is ridiculously absurd. What state are you in? There have been cases, and your lawyer should be able to pull them for the judge - where NCP was "exempt" from being made to pay college tuition due to the CPs routine alienation from the NCP.
In your case, the CP HAS NEVER ALLOWED a relationship to exist between you and your child. YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY NOT HAVE TO PAY THIS WOMAN!!!!!!
Get a divorce attorney that knows what the hell they're doing. They should pull the cases and present them. Appeals court will always uphold prior decisions!!!!!