I am a 29 year old father and am in the process of divorcing my wife after I caught her having an affair. I was wondering what my chances of getting full custody of my 3 year old daughter are in the state of Alabama. I am active duty in the military and have been for the last 11 years. I am asking because outside of adultery I can't say that she is a badmother or anything like that, this last 6 months of divorce stuff has been hard on all of us, but she is a good mom. I was just wondering if being a male in the military in Alabama if I would even have a chance to get custody, my parents also live here and I make twice as much as my wife. I woould give up everything if I knew I could get custody, my only concern about it is dragging my daughter and myself through living tjis way until we go to court only for it to be a futile battle. I was just hoping maybe someone would have some advice and opinion or could share a similar experience and the results with me. --Thanks.
I am not sure I can help, but my daughter is in the same boat and I am wondering the same thing. She is E5 active duty, 2 kids, going thru a Divorce and custody is temp 50/50 physical. My daughter makes more than he does, he has small 1 bed apt kids sleep in playpens in the living room, he has a DVO on him (threatened life of daugheter and kids then tried to buy a handgun while under a rest order), can not pay the bills/rent, is already in another relationship, has documented himself (on the web) that he had kids for weekend and passed out drunk, kids could not wake him up (5 YO and 11 months), and it is documented that a diff girl he is seeing (who had her kids taken from her by the courts) is physically abusing my grandkids and hitting the baby. What are my daughters chances of getting custody being active military?
That sounds awful, it would seem that her chances should be excellent but the court system never seems to fail to dissapoint. this whole experience has been a lesson in how nice guys finish last for me, it seems like the more amicable you try to be the more you get stepped on. I just worry that my military status would be a check against me as far as full custody goes in the eyes of the court, also the fact that I am a man seems to be a huge deal in custody where the mother isn't a total degenerate or crackhead, very frustrating.
could not have said it any better myself. After having been thru this with my husband for the last 14 years, your sentiments are 100% correct.
As far as my daughter, she is the better parent but like you is active military and perhaps a strike on her, how many single custodial active duty mothers have you run across?
Quite a few actually, depends on her job and duty station as to deployability etc. With the current world climate, chances of deploying are pretty high.
I don't know about the military aspect.
Parents' earnings do not determine custody.
If you are both fit parents, why not 50/50? Do you have any temp court orders yet? Do you have time with your daughter now? Who is she living with? Status quo figues in quite a bit.
Could you two make up a parenting plan that you agree with and submit it to the court?
The 5 year old needs to learn how to dial 911 if she can't wake daddy up, or if someone is hurting her.
Can you see if the gf has any police records, convictions, etc?
They may want to get a GAL (atty for the kids) involved to look into the living arrangements and other issues.
We are still figuring it out in the agreement right now it has the standard with joint legal and her as primary parent, me paying child support. She is not very agreeable to 50/50 as I believe she plans to eventually move back home out of state. I would take full custody w/o child support if she would give it to me which won't happen. I was just wondering what my chances would be going to court being in the military and a male etc. It just seems that the system is so skewed towards the mother/female that fathers don't really stand a chance. I believe I could give her a more stable environment and better upbringing without all the chaos that her mother has reated and will create in the future in her own life and now that of my daughter.
I still live at home with STBX and my daughter. No court orders yet, my lawyer has drawn up papers with standard visitation for me and joint legal with her as primary. Neither of us have signed the papers yet as there was an issue with the child suppport figures on her end. 50/50 sounds good too. If I was to sign the aforementioned agreement, what would my chances be of going for full custody later, or 50/50 later?
0%. If you sign that now, unless you spend a ton of money and can prove neglect/child endangerment, you won't get it later. Please DON"T sign that if that's your plan.
My husband signed that 5 years ago with her side promise that she would let him have all this extra time because it's important for him to be involved. 5 years later he's got nothing to show AND she is guilty of lying and involving the kids in adult matters trying to get them on her side and alienate them from her father. We have a court date next week so I'll let you know how it goes. But as our attorney told us, unless you've got something to prove significant change of circumstance, what you sign in the beginning holds you for LIFE.
She of course can always come back to modify child support as much as she wants, but nothing can force her to give you more time with the kids. DO NOT SIGN THAT unless you're content to live with that the rest of your life.
Thanks for the advice! My atty. says that I have 90 days after signing to appeal anything in the agreement, ever heard of that. I am going to talk to STBX tonight about 50/50. It seems perfectly reasonable to me as long as we still live in the same city. She has said that she will give me more time than STD VIS, just like your husband's ex but I guess if it isn't in writing all she is required to give is the standard, right? It is such a catch 22 because on one hand I want this to be over so we can all stop living this way and move on, and I want to believe her promises, biut on the other hand i want guaranteed time more than standard and that will only drag this out longer. I'm sure she will go nuts and spit venom at me when I bring it up as I am convinced that she really only cares about the child support(716 a month!) and knows that keeping our daughter from me hurts me more than anything. This is hands down the most frustrating and diheartening experience I have ever been through. i have lost all faith in the system and it's ability to not just make default judgements without really looking at a case. The laws need to be rewritten, men aren't the villians that they once were. I would wager that there are almost as many deadbeat moms and single dads out there as there are the same of the opposite sex.
I may be a little biased because of our situation, but biomom's words rarely matched her actions. In 5 years she's "given" my husband, an extra overnight four times. Three of them because she was out of town herself, or had a conflict and one was from 8PM til school the next morning so he could make a cubscout thing with his son. And boy we've heard all about how generous she has been. Unless it's in writing she doesn't have do anything. It sure is easy to believe they're going to keep their word, but if you're getting divorced you probably didn't trust her before so why should you start now????
It's always about the money. Kids biomom doesn't hesitate to ask for 1/2 or this or 1/2 of that (of course father doesn't have any say in those choices) but far be it from DH to ask for more time. You would think logically less time means less expenses for her, so wouldn't money go further? No it's all about knowing the time is important to the father so that's the best way to control and hurt.
YOUR lawyer drew op paperwork giving you standard visitation?!?!?!?
It's time you have a serious talk with your lawyer, and likely you'll need to find a new one. This one is obviously looking for the easy way out, and NOT your (and your daughter's) best interest.
Keep in mind: When you go to court or write an agreement, you ASK for the world, and you SETTLE for what you want.
What you want (or at least what I believe is reasonable in your situation) is that you SETTLE for shared physical custody, and one of you having sole legal. In addition, your custody order needs to say that whoever moves out of state (or even out of the county) will automatically relinguish custody to the other parent. It will not quite work that way, as you would need to go back to court to have the custody actually changed, but if it's already in writing, it helps your chances.
Good luck!
Kent!
Thanks, I like the stipulation about moving, I never thought of that. My next question is: Has anyone ever had any experience or success with appealing custody immediately after the divorce is filed? My concern is that I really want this over as we are still living in the same house with our daughter and it is tense at times, it is already going on month 8 and I just don't want my daughter to have to live with us like this anymore. My STBX has drug this out way longer than it needed to be and I believe she just wants custody for child support money. As of Friday she signed the agreement however I have not and I am just wondering if going forward with it and then going back and appealing the custody would be the thing to do, that way the house and financial stuff is already done and I acn just focus on getting at least 50% custody without her holding the house and everything else over my head as well. Any thoughts comments or advice is greatly appreciated.
in circumstances to have it heard. It would not look good that you signed and agreed and then immediately changed your mind. Know what you want and ask for it. Don't rely on a second chance that you may not get.
Agreed, I will address the issue with her tonight, and I have a meeting with my lawyer tommorrow. The best time to hash this out is now, after the agreement is signed on both ends it may as well be set in stone. All I am asking for is time with my daughter, you would think that would be an acceptable request. It is frustrating to deal with her as she is very unreasonable about this.
If you've been trying to talk to her and come to some reasonable agreement.............and you say she is still being 'unreasonable', I would forget talking to her about it again. You're wasting your time, creating additional conflict, and 'showing your hand' to her. Just tell your atty. what you want. REMEMBER: this is a 'negotiation'...........ask for the moon and hopefully you'll get the trip around the world. All negotiations start out with two parties on polar opposites and you hope to come to an agreement somewhere in the middle. If you ask for only what you truly want, you may very likely get a WHOLE lot less.
Yea, I'm seeing that already. For some reason she is convinced that joint physical custody would be unstable for our daughter, so would only seeing her dad a weekend here and there. I just don't want the time I get with my daughter to be subject to how she feels about me at that particular time or day.
Or depending on why the divorce is happening, hurt and anger. I can't remember your particular situation but remember that divorce, especially when it wasn't your idea, is a very emotionally devastating time. If the divorce was your idea, she may want you to hurt as much as she is. If her actions warranted the divorce (adultery) she may realize what she's losing and wants to make it difficult in hopes that you'll give up and come back and in some twisted way, she's sure she can make it work. If she's even slightly aware that she's not the perfect mother, she may fear losing her daughter to you and therefore would prefer to limit time to prevent this. So many different possibilities, all pointing to fear, hurt or anger.
The divorce was her idea (adultery). I tried to get her to go to counseling and make attempts to work it out, no joy. I go to see my lawyer today so we'll see what happens. Another question: What are the rules on retirement, I know married 10 years is the standard,when does the clock stop for marriage as far as that goes? Can the date I filed be used? We will have been "married" 10 years in Dec. (tentative court date is SEP)
Your attorney should be able to easily answer all of these questions.
Some state bifurcate marriage disolution meaning they can deal with the issues separately...ie divorce/custody/visitation/CS etc.
Attorney, the courts...the divorce industry are likely to assume mother custody NO MATTER WHAT..which means you get to provide room and board for all her boyfriends until the child turns 18.
They asked for her to be sole benificiary of my life insurance policy! Can you believe that! The greed never ends. Of course my lawyer and I said no, so as of now all deals are off the table and we go to court, asking for full custody. I can't believe that even in death they want to get into my wallet! All I have wanted inthis thing was time with my child, and you can't place a monetary value on that.
This is normal...to have a policy with your daughter as beneficiary. If something happens to you, there would be no more child support. You could agree to a number and hold a separate policy for her until she reaches 18.
I agree with everyone else. DO NOT sign anything unless it is what you want. You should really look at the parenting plans on here. You need to include times/dates/vacations (look at school calendars)/birthdays. Think of everything now because it is VERY hard to change anything. If you are a detailed/spelled out plan then she can not change it according to her mood or if she does not like that you have a new girlfriend....Post what you think you might want and there are plenty of people here that will tweek it for you and then you can bring it to your lawyer. You can do a lot of the foot work yourself. Saves you money and time with your lawyer.
Good luck!
If you have a long work history and have been faithfully contributing to Social Security, did you know that you are worth more alive than dead to her? And that isn't even taking your life insurance into consideration!
My son's father died almost 6 years ago, when DS was 13. At the time, my CS was $250 a month, something that his dad and I mutually agreed on and was NOT ordered thru the court (long story). So when he died, I was told that DS qualified for SS survivor benefits. Every child under the age of 18 or still in school is entitled to these benefits if a parent dies. Because DS's dad was only a few years from retirement (in his case, he had been contributing significantly to SS based on time, not income), DS's initial benefits were over $600 a month! Imagine my surprise! And over the next 5 years, that gradually increased to $750 until DS was no longer eligible, when he graduated from HS.
On top of that, that money must go to a 'conservator', usually the surviving custodial parent or whomever has guardianship. They are required to report yearly to SS as to how the money is spent, but as long as you say you spent the money on the child, they take your word for it.
So whether it's your life insurance or not, you're worth more to her dead than alive. It's gruesome, but it's a fact for almost ALL non-custodial parents. So if they want to argue for your life ins., tell the greedy PBFH that Social Security basically takes over for CS, leaving life ins. for what it's truely meant to cover: burial expenses and any unpaid debt left by the deceased that has to be satisfied. In this day and age, good luck if there's anything left after that........
Yeah, it makes me wonder what her plans are for me! I told her last night that I am dissapointed in her continued adulterous conduct and that I think i is extemely disrespectful that while she is still living with me that she continues to behave this way. She said to get with my lawyer and get the agreement done, I told her that that's not my problem and I'll talk to my lawyer as needed. My concern is that she is obviously making bad decisions with her own life, I'm concerned about her decision making abilities with respect to care for our daughter. Thelife insurance thing really isn't an issue as far as our daughter being beneficiary. I just think it is such an intangible asset as I have to be dead! It just shows her shallowness and what she really cares about. Sick.