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Main Forums => Father's Issues => Topic started by: superdad01 on Oct 03, 2008, 06:58:46 PM

Title: Almost had a Alec Baldwin moment today...
Post by: superdad01 on Oct 03, 2008, 06:58:46 PM
I am so frustrated....  As a father who sees his 6 year old child almost daily I am still having an issue with seperating child and mother. Mother makes it a point to reassure her that she will be back at 8pm.  On the few occasions that mother is not there I have no issues with her behavior. She is calm and happy to see her dad.

On the days that I have to deal with it, our daughter will hide behind mom in the doorway, and rotate around her without letting go. At times I think she thinks it is a game, she will be laughing and giggling, but when she has to let go, that's when the tears will start to fall. Usually after we get on the road and back home she is acting normal again.

Most of the time it is not as extreme as it was today. Their just happened to be a parade happening and our daughter wanted to go, which we had to travel right through their anyways. Our daughter wanted her mom to go and ride with us….. Then she wanted to ride with her mom. Mom said she would drive separate. I had to take time to reassure our daughter that mom was coming and everthing would be all good. I have also made it a point to tell her in a very positive and sensitive way that when she acts in that behavior it really hurts dads feelings, and it is not nice. She seems almost confused, and can’t explain why she does it. Especially the fact that there is no reason to act like that.

Once we get to the parking lot mom follows behind. She runs over to her moms car and She acts as if I don’t exist. She refuses to hold my hand. While she is holding her mom’s. When I reach for her hand she moves to the other side of her mom. This happened a few times. I have never seen it this bad. When I had to take a brief timeout with her to address the behavior in a calm and quiet way the tears start to fall once again. She is pulling and reaching towards her mom.

I am starting to feel like a random stranger in my child’s life.

Their has also been 2 times where I had to pick up child in a resturaunt where mom and family were eating and once our daughter sees me she crawls under the table. Once I sit down and I start talking to her everthing calms down she is back to being happy again. This is so embarrassing and makes me feel like a piece of trash. It always manages to happen in front of people.

I realise it is not my daughters fault, but I can't exactly yell at her mom either. It mother always seems to try and confort her and is against her behavior but I can’t say I believe that 100% either.

I plan on taking her to a child psychologist. Maybe we can figure out what Is going on here. I’m sure mom will be against it…..

Uhhh , I almost lost it today…
Title: Be strong
Post by: Ref on Oct 04, 2008, 07:48:35 AM
I am not a professional, but I have read that this is very normal behavior even with married parents. I know it is hard and my best wishes for you.

Title: RE: Almost had a Alec Baldwin moment today...
Post by: FatherTime on Oct 04, 2008, 01:16:09 PM
I like the idea of taking your daughter to the child psychologist.  It can help you understand on how to deal with issues such as this.

Patience is a virtue in this matter.  I would also suggest that you make a clearer distinction between time with you, versus time with the mother.  The more that you have the two of you together with her during exchanges the harder it will be.  Also, you will help your daughter adjust between the two households.  Make clean breaks in time.

It sounds as if your daughter feels apprehensive about exchanges.  This could be because the mother is saying things to the child.  You can't prove it nor confront her about it.  You can only do your best to overcome it.  Don't take it personal, although I know that it does hurt your feelings.  I would have the child pyschologist talk to the mother to assist in the peaceful exchanges of the child.  

I hope the best for you in this matter.  Be careful because I experienced the same thing and I've been alienated from my daughter.  My daughter is 12, but at four she was doing the same thing.  The mother may be using alienation tactics.  I would get familiar with the tactics used by visiting .  You want to be prepared on what to expect in the future and some possible solutions.

Find an outlet for your frustration, guitar, poetry, punching bag, ...etc
You don't want to take it out on your daughter when it's most likely the mother who is directing the child by direct or indirect means.  

God bless.

Title: RE: Almost had a Alec Baldwin moment today...
Post by: superdad01 on Oct 05, 2008, 01:18:49 AM
Thanks for the support guys.... I really needed it. I have searched google for child psychologist in MI. I came up to the MI site and when I typed in different search cryteria it always came back zero matches.
Title: RE: Almost had a Alec Baldwin moment today...
Post by: Kitty C. on Oct 05, 2008, 07:08:07 PM
What you might be looking for is a pediatric psychologist instead.  If you live near a major medical university, they should have every pediatric specialty available.  In fact, you don't necessarily need to narrow your search to just psychologists, but I do recommend that ANYONE you see be a specialist in pediatrics, be it a counselor, therapist, or whatever.

Pediatrics is a whole different ballgame.  And in this realm, it's no different than medical.  I am an EMT and the one thing they tell us over and over again is that children are NOT 'small adults' and should not be treated the same as adults.  They come with their own special set of 'rules'.  So I certainly would not settle for someone who does not specialize in pediatrics, as they will not know the specific issues pertaining to children.
Title: I agree. We have a 6 year ol din our church who is a daddy's
Post by: tigger on Oct 06, 2008, 07:23:25 AM
girl and behaves that way with her mom.  Two years ago, she was all about her mom and not her dad.  This couple is married.  It's probably a phase that is made worse by the situation and possibly the mom's good intentions of talking to her daughter but using the wrong words.
Title: RE: Almost had a Alec Baldwin moment today...
Post by: gemini3 on Oct 06, 2008, 01:10:24 PM
My step-kids went through the same thing.  When we would go to pick them up they would come out of the house with their mom and do what I like to call "the death march" to the car.  (Mom holding both kids hands, heads down, somber expressions.)  They would get to the car where mom would reassure them that it was "only for two days" and remind them repeatedly what time she would pick them up.  

As soon as we left the apartment complex the kids instantly changed to bubbly and happy.  It was SO frustrating.

From what I could tell, the kids were learning from mom how to act during exchanges.  Mom was serious and somber, so were the kids.  Mom was anxious, so were the kids.  They were picking up on their mom's feelings and parroting them - which is what kids do.

As long as she's ok with you after mom leaves I wouldn't worry about it.  She has to live with her mom when you're not there - and if that means catering to her feelings during exchanges, that's what she'll do.  If it was carrying over to your time alone with her I would be more concerned - but it sounds like she's fine with you and is just catering to her mom's feelings.

My skids got over it around 8-9 years old.  I imagine yours will probably do the same.