SPARC Forums

Well, I really don't know what to do here, but my friend said the first thing I should do is come here and post my story.  So here goes...

I married my first and current wife, three years ago. Apparently, only one of us was in love. We have had two children. I am an Emergency Medical Technician by trade, and If the reader doesn't know, I'm here to tell you, we make peanuts. My wife has always wanted to be a police officer, so we formulated a plan. I would stop working, and go to school full time to become a nurse, and she would take a job in a very small town 600 away as a corrections officer at the county jail. Once I finished, I would work as a nurse and put her through the police academy. Sounds like a good plan right? Well....

All was going well. I was preparing to start my final semester of the nursing program at the local community college, but as it turns out, she liked another corrections officer better than me. In fact, we have been living there for almost a year and a half, and some where in that time she has managed to sleep with at least SIX different men. The first time I officially busted her was when I had a two hour instant message conversation with this idiot, while he thought I was her. After that happened, I calmly told her what I was going to do. My plan was to go to the man's house, wait patiently until he wasn't home while his wife was. (Oh, by the way, he's married with two kids also) Then I would knock on the door, sit down on her couch, and tell her every dirty little detail. The minute I set foot out the door, she called 911. She told them that I said I was on my way to his house to kill him, and that I took a box cutter with me. She knew that there was already a box cutter in the car.

Needless to say, I was arrested, humiliated, interrogated for five hours, and luckily released. Obviously, there was no evidence and I was told that I had only been detained, not arrested, no charges had been filed, and that I was free to go. I walked back to my house, to find my wife on the phone with ... guess who!

So, the story hasn't started yet. All this happened just a couple days before Christmas. Since then, she has been systematically destroying my life. She has had these boyfreinds stalking me around town.  She has called all my family and friends, and tried her best to convince them that she was some kind of victim. I couldn't take it any more. On new years day, I packed up the kids and drove to my parent's house in San Diego.  Her parents also live here, about 15 minutes away. She agreed with me that it would be the best plan for me to take the babies with me because she works 12 hour days, and childcare is very hard to find in that small town. Also, I would be so close to both sets of grandparents, they would never have to spend a day in child care. She has five days off in a row every two weeks, so she could easily fly down on those days, pick up the babies, stay with her parents, and return to work at the end of her week.


I promise, you are getting the abreviated version here, but I still haven't got to the real problem yet. Please bear with me.

Since then, she has had the police department up there call me and inform me that I was not to harass her at work anymore. THIS NEVER HAPPENED. In fact, I couldn't stand to call her work, because she had told them all kinds of crazy lies about me. I hadn't called there for weeks because frankly, it was embarassing.  A couple days after I got down here, our son became ill. I called her at work to tell her, and she refused to talk to me. No problem. A short time later, I called back to leave a message that she doesn't need to call, because everything is under control. I never so much as spoke harshly to the person I spoke with. In fact, HE cussed ME and hung up the phone. A few minutes later, I get the call from the police.

But wait, there's more... She has been consistently attempting to get me to do something stupid... to turn things in her favor. She had one of her boyfriends call me on my cell phone FROM MY BED!!! - WATCHING MY MOVIES!!!!

So, she came down the weekend of January 9th for her first visit. Everything was going great. We were talking, getting along, no problems. Except that she had one more plot to ultimately destroy the only thing she hadn't been able to take from me so far... and you're not going to believe this!

So while she's here, we decide that we need to sit down together and be civil for the sake of the babies. We agreed to calmly discuss the horrendous issue of custody. I tried my best to convince her to go with me to a public place to do this. This would help us to keep emotions in check so we could hopefully make real progress. I went to her mother's house Sunday afternoon to pick her up. Her mother was in the room as I tried to convince her to go to the mall, a restaraunt, or even just the beach. She even said in the presence of her mother that she wanted to go to the mall today because they were having a sale today only. After all this, she became adament that we just go for a walk - in private.

Against my better judgement, I followed her out of the house and into the avocado groves growing behind her mother's house. We hadn't walked very far before we stopped, sat down, and started talking. It went surprisingly well - too well. I became a little suspicious when she easily agreed to an arrangement that clearly favored me. We shook hands, and sat in silence for about a minute.

Okay, here's where it gets interesting. She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. Surprised, I pulled away and asked "What was that for?" She said, "Shut up and just love me. Then she started kissing my neck. I pulled away again and said "No, we shouldn't do this." She reached into my pants and grabbed a hold of my penis. I kept pushing her away and saying no, and she just kept doing it. Then she put her face in my crotch and started giving me oral sex. I pushed her head away, at least five times and she just kept going for it. Finally, I consented. Yes, I see you shaking your head and calling me an idiot.

But wait! It get's better!! Now she pulls a set of handcuffs out of her pocket. Nothing unusual about that to me. That is almost the only way she likes to have sex ever since she got that job. She handed them to me, and now I'm getting into it. I fall for it hook, line, and sinker. I took them and put them on her, just like I have done hundreds of times in the past. She went back down, and started again with the oral. Then she slid up and pressed my penis between her breasts, and did it that way for a while. She kept going, and tried to line her vagina up with my penis.. I pushed her hips back with my hands and said no. She continued this several times. As I reached ejaculation, she pressed her face against the head of my penis, and smeared it all over her face, eyes, hair, neck... everywhere. This was a shock to me, because we have had oral sex very often in the past and she has never done anything like this before.

So we finished, straightened our clothes, she fixed her hair, and I took the handcuff key out of her pocket and released her. We brushed the weeds off each others clothes and walked back to the house in strange silence. On the way, she dropped the handcuffs into my pants pocket. As she opened the door, she glanced back at me and her face was completely composed. As she opened the door, it was like a light switch. She burst into tears and screamed mommy call the police, he just raped me!!

I'm sure you can imagine the chaos that ensued. Her father and 250 pound cousin fortunately never touched me, but made it abundantly clear that they intended to. I am 6'1" 160 pounds. - No Contest. I grabbed the phone and dialed 911. The operator answered and I screamed we need help at 1292... that's when her father grabbed the phone from me. In fear for my life, I jumped in the car and drove off. There's only one road in and out of their neighborhood, and it's a couple miles long. The sherriff's deputy was coming towards me. I was rolling down my window to wave him down, when he blocked my path, and stopped me. It's now about 6:00 pm.

I was finally released at 2:00am in the morning. Once again, no arrest, and no charges filed.  Even the cops knew she was full of shit.  The whole time I was there, everyone was exceedingly cordial to me. They kept telling me relax, they'll issue me a restraining order so I can't bother her, and then I'll be released. Perfect! My only goal in life at that moment was to keep as many miles as possible between us.... forever. I'm sure you can imagine my dismay and outrage, when the detective dropped the paper on the table, and my two babies are listed as victims! I overheard the conversation between him and the judge and am almost positive that he never mentioned their names to him.

So she has taken my babies away from me and hidden them in Susanville. It's over for me. I am a broken man.

I don't know what do do or where to start.  I have so many court documents, and am completely overwhelmed.  I was finally served with the temporary restraining order, and the court date is on 2/17/04 in Susanville.

I know that she came down here with this whole thing planned out. Her primary goal was to hurt me, but she also needed to switch the loyalty of everyone around her.  Up until this point, even her parents were on my side because I was the wronged party.  Now, suddenly, she is the victim and I am a monster.

To make matters worse, she is a corrections officer at the county jail in in a two mile long town, so she has many close aquaintences in law enforcement there, including police, sherriff deputies, lawyers, judges, and even the district attorney.

I'm not in the least bit concerned with the rape allegation. It is completely, obviously bogus. I have retained a criminal lawyer to defend me, and he says that I shouldn't worry about charges being filed. All I care about are my children. She has already kept them from me for 16 days and I am not allowed near them for almost another month. She has been leaving them in the care of these strange boyfreinds of hers while she is at work 12 hours a day. I am honestly concerned for their immediate safety.

I served my country proudly and faithfully during desert storm.  I have defended my country's system to everyone who has spoken against it in my presence.  At this moment, I am biting holes in my tongue to prevent myself from renouncing this same system.  They tell me that a man is innocent until until proven guily.  That's bullshit.  What about the real innocent ones here?  What about my babies?

My babies are my life. I was a stay at home dad for most of my two year old daughter's life and 100% of my 10 month old son's.

I am the victim here. Everything I have said is true. I have done nothing wrong from day one. I don't know what I did to make her hate me so bad. I can't imagine ANYONE hating another human this much.

I too am a vet,, decorated with over 10 years active duty time.

I am so sorry you are discovering that the system you defended so proudly,, is a lie. That Sir, is the truth. What you defend is the same system we call the meatgrinder. It takes perfectly normal people, it first grinds up all the resources they have, it eats away at the spirit, it breaks you down emotionally, mentally and physically. When its done doing all that, the system then assigns one parent to be an indentured slave, to be humiliated, denigrated in public awareness and in the press. Your years of service and sacrifice, mean nothing to the system. You will more than likely experience just what so many other parents here have,, the constant and continual false allegations, and expenses associated with it.

Someone,, throw up the links he's gonna need please?

Now, you have gotten a taste of the system, you have now dabbled your toes in the shallow end of the family court pool. Take a deep breath friend, and plunge in :)

I am so sorry for your situation.


Here are a few links to help you get started.  Hope they help



[A HREF=http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/articles.htm" target="new]The Articles Page[/A] This link has lots of info

[A HREF=http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm" target="new]Tips For Getting Started[/A]

[A HREF=http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.htm" target="new]Success Factors In Obtaining Custody[/A]


[A HREF=http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/falseacc1.htm" target="new]Suggestions When Falsely Accused[/A]

[em][font color=660066]"Talk is cheap. But if it keeps your stomach full and your grave empty, it's worth more than gold!"[/em]

I am a fellow EMT and my heart is breaking for your babies right now!  And for a little insight, I lived for 10 years in CA and once came VERY close to getting hired in Tuolumne Co. (Sonora) with county corrections.  I withdrew my app. when I realized I wasn't going to pass their physical.  I know where Susanville is and know what kind of atmosphere you're talking about.

You've come to the right place.  There are many others here who have walked the trail you're on and can give you TONS of advice.  But there is one thing I can tell you right now.  As much as you hate yourself for being suckered into her scheme, you have to put it out of your mind and stop beating yourself up over it.  You have a MUCH bigger fight ahead of you.  Let your criminal atty. take care of the charges, but HOLD YOUR HEAD UP!

SHE was the one who took advantage of YOU.  SHE is the one at fault.  And as inhuman as her actions were, I can promise you that she has not one ounce of guilt about it.  But YOU have your integrity to back yourself up.  Lean on your family and friends, that's what they are there for.  Keep your focus on your babies, as YOU are the only one who has their best interests at heart right now.  But stand tall and proud.  She is counting on you to fold, to beat yourself up over this....DO NOT let her suck you down to her level!

And remember above all else........living well is THE best revenge.  May God bless you and your babies and good luck.  Please come back here often and let us know how things are going, okay?

OK, two appropriate quotes here,

1. Love IS blind.
You hooked up with quite a vindictive, perhaps psychotic gal. I am sure there were telltale warning signs in your early courtship, but you could not, or would not, see her in a true light. You are human. This is understandable and the same thing happened to me- I married a woman that has revealed herself to be one of the coldest, most unreasonable people I have ever known. She, too, attempted truly despicable acts, like bogus restraining orders, false child abuse charges, etc... If this gives you any hope, all her antics ultimately failed. But she failed only because I rose to the occasion and educated myself as to exactly what kind of battle I was entering. Make no mistake, you are at a disadvantage being the man/father. You MUST educate yourself across the board- financially, custodially, etc..learn your rights! Study, learn the case law in your state! Honestly, it took me almost two years to truly pull all my knowledge together and reach the point of holding my position with regard to my custodial rights. Also, don't think just because you have a lawyer that you don't have to do any work. On the contrary, you need to know exactly what he/she intends to do regarding your criminal complaint, your parenting schedule, the restraining order, etc...

2. Wake up and smell it!
Like it or not, you're in a tough, crappy spot and it ain't gonna get better for a while. I, too, separated when my kids were very small. My daughter was only 3 months old when I was forcibly removed from my house due to a false abuse charge. I endured a 2 month invesatigation by child protective services finally concluding with an unfouded determination. I was forced to move back to my mom's house after having moved out twenty years ago! That was my wake-up call. Hopefully, this is yours. My advice: do not speak to her ever again, communicate about the kids only, re-read your written coerrespondence a dozen times before sending it out, fight like hell for at least 50-50 joint custody.

By the way, your ex soundlike she has a questionable past, you may have an opportunity to pursue full custody of your kids. Look into that.

Thank you sir, for your support.  I love my country.  My father and uncle are both viet nam vets.  My little brother is currently serving in Korea, and I have never been more proud of him.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid that this system in which you and I have vested so much of our lives has not only failed me, but the only two completely innocent victims in this whole fiasco  -  My children.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and you will be in mine.

I am encouraged by the responses I have received this far.  These links you have provided look like they will prove invaluable in the near future.  I have browsed through them and there is a ton of useful information for me.

I don't know how I can ever thank you enough for your support.

Know this.... failure is not an option.  The help you have provided will be instrumental in the rescue of two innocent children.

After reading your story, it is like looking at my past experiences.

My ex tried to do the same thing. I did not cave. Her family and many of our friends could see what she was doing behind my back. They couldn't stand her. She was the black sheep of her family. After she left, it all turned around and now they feel she is Wonder woman. They have know her all her life, they know her lies, and now they defend her.

Watch your back, she probably has people following you. Document until you can't hold the pen anymore. Keep a camera on you at all times. I keep a throw away in my car. Get a hand held recorder and be ready when she makes contact. Check the laws for recording calls. Start going thru any paper work you can find. Old phone records, bank records. Start a paper trail. Also document the time when the children were in your care. Doctors reports, things of that nature.

Any chance of finding out who is with your kids when she is at work? Check their backgrounds. Any friend willing to check things out for you? Some one you can trust with your life?

You are in for a rough ride. You have your heart and mind in the right place, your kids. Stay strong for them. Things look bad now, but a person like that will mess up sooner or later. Give her enough rope and she will hang herself.

Sounds like someone is coaching her on what to do. You keep your head high and ALWAYS take the high road.

There is a ton of information on this site and people here, really care. Come back often, even if you just need to vent.

Good luck and God Bless you and your children

Just damn.

Your stbx wife and my ex husband sound like they were separated at birth.  From the instant messages(second oldest daughter got fed up with his mind games, and hacked his ICQ), to being confronted about his wrong doing, then punishing me because he screwed up, to trying to set me up repeatedly over the years, these two are exactly the same!  I feel so bad for you, and your kids :-(

Your kids don't belong anywhere around her.  Unfortunately with no fault divorce, her behavior might not cut too much ice with a judge.  Find an attorney who eats raw meat for breakfast.  Can't she get fired for behavior like that?  I mean she is carrying a badge isn't she?  Don't they have rules about things like that?  Maybe charges can be filed against her for filing false police reports.  I know she's got connections, but if you shine a bright enough light on crooked people, they go scurrying back under the baseboards.  Ask your attorney if it's worth pursuing.

One thing many of us learned the hard way, is when dealing with a psycho, NEVER let them know what you're going to do.  Just do it.  I told my ex that our marriage was over in '96 and he proceeded to make our lives a living hell for 7 years.  He has told some of the most humiliating, outrageous lies about me.  Hindsight is 20/20.  

Your goal is to get your kids back with full custody.  Besides a vicious lawyer, have him hire a PI to pick through your wife's backround with a fine tooth comb.  Ruin her chances of going to the police academy, because the last thing anyone needs is a pyscho bitch with a badge and a gun!

The articles here are very helpful, and lots of people here have been where you are right now, so keep coming back.

I hate myself for falling for the lies that she loved me.  I hate myself for sharing with her the sacred experience of having children.  I hate myself for ever meeting this horrible woman.

You're words are graciously accepted, but i'm so scared that I have failed my kids.  They are in danger and There's nothing I can do.  I'm their daddy....  I have to protect them....  that's MY JOB!  That's my sole reason for living.  If I can't succeed at just that one thing nothing else matters.

In this light, I ask you, how do you expect me to "hold my head up?"  Please don't take this as sarcasm.  Maybe I just need to vent a little.  I am truly grateful for your kind words and support.

And yes, I promise to keep you all updated as events unfold.

You're absolutely right.  I should have known better.  But she used to look at me like no other girl has.  I was so in love with this woman.  Even up to that fateful night, I think that if she had come and apologized and said she wanted to work it out, I probably would have tried.

That just proves your point.  I either couldn't or just refused to see her true colors...  God, I'm pathetic.

Well, your words of encouragement do mean alot to me, and I thank you for sharing a little of your own experience.  I have always said that no matter how tough a spot you are in, somebaody else has it worse.  It does help (a little) to know that I am not alone.

My Gosh, you should know that you are definitely not alone here...there are literally thousands of men out there going through the same thing...and I think it's despicable...using sex to get what you want...downright disgusting.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you, but you came to the right place for some guidance and ears to listen....I hope you can muster up enough strength for the fight of your life.  If you think this is bad, I'm certain she will get worse.  Don't turn your back for a second.  That knife really hurts.

My STB husband kind of went through the same thing, only she charged him with assault...it still absolutely AMAZES me how many women use assault, sex, rape, etc. to get what they want...so many bogus charges are filed against innocent men for the purpose of gaining custody, money, etc..How does this continue to happen?

Take care and God Bless you while you fight for those babies...obviously this woman has serious mental problems...and to think, she works on the other side of the law???  (shaking my head)...

Let me tell you, you have NOT failed those kids...she has...and the older they get, the more they will realize this...

"Holding your head high" is good advice...you have done nothing wrong, so don't hang your head in shame....Fight.  And continue to be the best Daddy possible for those babies...they'll need you sooner than you think.

I have a freind in her area.  That's how I know she's been leaving the kids with the boyfreinds, but like you said, I need someone I can trust with my life  -  no... with the lives of my children.  I don't have that freind.  I am alone in this.  My parents are offering all the support they can, but that's pretty limited.

I guess that's why I'm at this site.  I don't even know any of you, but I fell like calling you all good freinds.  I will come back often. I will be here every day if I can.  Who knows...  maybe someday I will be afforded the opportunity to offer some encouraging words to some poor schmuck that finds himself in a similar situation.

I have been researching the avenues of pursuing criminal and civil action against her for filing false reports.  Unfortunately, three of the four allegations have mysteriously vanished.  There is no record of them.  These are the three that happened in that small town where they all realize that she is full of shit.  They know that it can all be used against her, and that she is a whore and a liar.  I can't understand how some stupid code between officers can take precedence over the lives of two children.

I will be able to sue her for intentional infliction of emotional distress (got that word from a lwyer... sounds bitchin) after the charges against me are dropped.  The bad news there is that they have three years (statute of limitations) that they are allowed to keep the case open.  Until then, I'm guilty.

Thank you this and all the other insight in your message, and I will be coming back to keep you all updated.

I'm not a big guy, but I have never have a problem taking care of myself or my family.  Call it machoism or whatever you want, but what is killing me the most is my helplessness to defend my babies.  

I don't care about my rights.  I've been called bad things before. (never a rapist mind you)  I can handle that petty crap.  But MY GOD! How can I call myself a dad, and watch as they are being hurled into such a harmful situation, While I spend the whole time sobbing in bed instead of rushing to their rescue?

I realize that this is going to be a marathon as opposed to a sprint, but I won't be able to live with myself if something happens to either of them before Feruary 17.  Yes, it will have been her fault, but can I be held blameless for not doing WHATEVER is necessary to protect my babies?  I think not.

Please help me pray for strength as well as sanity, because I'm close... I'm so close to losing it.

You said:
"I don't care about my rights. "

You should care because your rights have a direct correlation to your children's rights.  Your children have no rights, so your's rights are important to them.

Don't have any contact without witnesses.  We all make mistakes.  I made a mistake of trusting my daughter's mother, and she used my compassion against me.  Show this woman no compassion.  She is a trickster and a liar.  Show her no mercy.  She will see it as weakness and use it against you.  Do not fool yourself in thinking that she is having some sort of change of heart.  

DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT

This will become very important for you.  If you can keep all of her statements from early on and keep them organized, you will find where she forgets her lies.  She will contradict herself and you can show her inconsistencies.  

Pathological liars are usually found out in this manner.  Pathological liars can play the part to anyone at any point in time, until someone points out their lies with proof of prior statements.  Find the proof in her own statements.  That's were I've found my proof in my own case.  If you can discredit her with her own statements and show how she is not honest...then her testimony in court will lose value.


an aside....

Do you remember that mother who drowned her kids in the car about a decade ago?  She was the one who said that some black man stole her car with her kids inside and she cried on national tv.  She was found out by the public scrutiny...and the fake crying.  I was just thinking about how your ex would hold up under public scrutiny.  Just a thought.

My kids are all that matters to me... and your're right when you say that in order to help them I must defend my rights.  I thank you for shedding some light on this for me.

I do remember the cas you mentioned about that horrible woman.  Maybe someone has a suggestion as to a good way to expose this travesty to the public...

Thank you father time, and please... please keep me in your prayers.

Just a thought...

I am really tight on the money end, but the best money I spent was on a PI. A good one will get a sh*t load in about a day. Weekends are the best bet.

I would also get the names of the people who are helping her and see if they have any kind of record.

Does she have the children in a different county? Check your state statutes. If you were residing in a different county, you might be able to get this away from the people that are helping her. At least from the point were the children are concerned. I would also find a damned good attorney out of that area. Some attorneys offer free consultation for the first visit. Start going on this NOW.

If her so called friends start stalking or harrassing you, get a RO on them. Do not let her push you around. Find out your rights and go with it.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. All of us make mistakes. Hind sight is great. But learning from the mistakes is what really matters. Just keep those babies in the fore front. If I had a nickel for every screw up, I'd be rich!

Hmmm, I dont know which is worse,, the false allegations so many of us go thru,,or the brakeline my ex cut on my car,, made for a hellova ride thru downtown Dallas LOL.

Broken,, you have got a long road ahead. Keep the faith, do everything "by the book", always, ALWAYS take the high road in word and deed.

Document, DOCUMENT DOCUMENT. Did I say document?

Begin a journal,, no emotion to it, just the facts. Keep it daily. Label across the top of each page, Confidential, to my attrny XXX.

One of ya'll Ca folks,, tell him if he can record calls ,,if you can,, do it. One other thing, any Ca folks,, due to her involvement with law enforcement in her area, any chance of his getting a change of venue?

I think he's up on CA info and would know, but given the situation, there sure should be a change of venue.....but that's JMO.......

I know Soc usually reads his own board and ususally will not read such long posts.  Can SPARC ask Soc to read this entire thread?  This guy needs more help this minute then I've needed my entire life.  

I'm not too good at the whole journal thing, but everybody seems to think I should.  I'm going to buy a book today for that purpose.

I have been told that I can only record conversations with a court order, and that it is pretty much automatic along with a restraining order.

I have thought about the change of venue idea, and if it comes down to it, I'll try it for the divorce procedings.  I don't have the three months in this county required to file for divorce, so I filed for legal separation (no residency requirement).  Hopefully, she won't be smart enough to file divorce up there before my three months are up.  If she does, it will be impossible for me to receive fair treatment in that community, and I am banking on the option of bringing the case to San Diego.

As far as the court coming up, I think I'd just as soon take my chances up there rather than waiting another month for a new trial. (It will have been over 5 weeks of no contact with my children) I don't think I can do that again.

Thank you peanuts dad, and everyone for your comments and suggestions...  Please keep them coming!

Believe it or not, there are NO private investigtors in that community.  Keep in mind, it is a VERY small town.  The only major store is Wal-Mart and the nearest city is Reno, Nevada (100 miles).  The nearest California city is Redding (140 miles)

I have talked to one agency out here, and was told it would cost me tens of thousands to get any kind of services for that distance with no guarantee of results.

There are no attorneys willing to help me (as if I could afford one).  The lawyers here say that I can retain them once I get proceedings started in this county.  

This, you ain't gonna believe...  I have contacted EVERY SINGLE attorney except two in her county.  The two I haven't contacted, are her instructors in her Administration of Justice classes.  You starting to understand wht I'm up against?  All the others told me that either they are too busy with ongoing cases, or that my case is just too complicated.  Yeah right, she has the whole town in her back pocket.  God, I have always made fun of those conspiracists, who say everyone is against them.  

Look at me now.

Cal. Penal Code §§ 631, 632: It is a crime in California to intercept or eavesdrop upon any confidential communication, including a telephone call or wire communication, without the consent of all parties.

~~~~~~~~~
This means that both parties must know that the conversation is being recorded.  What you can do is send her a letter (RRR) stating that as of such date, ALL conversations between you both will be recorded by you.  If she contines to call and talk, she is giving 'implied' consent.  If she says no, she will have to find some other way to communicate.  You can also do this with taping conversations in person.

The thing is, if she refuses consent, the only other way you can communicate is by either atty., e-mail, or letter, which means it's STILL documented, or at least witnessed.  Which is EXACTLY what you want.

Hope this helps..........  

For example visitation exchanges, police station interviews, traffic pull overs, a judge's chambers, etc, etc,etc.  In TX, many father's had at least one micro-cassette hidden to  legally record whenever.

The use of micro-cassettes gained in popularity after a father's body was found at the bottom of a ravine following an attempt by the father to pick-up his child from the BM for court-ordered visitation period.

The micro-casette recorded everything. The BM, a senior high English teacher, is now history along with the father.  

Do you know any ex cop or cop who would do this on the side? Some one you can trust to follow her. Find out where your kids are. Any military buddies? Friends or family she does not know.

If you get any calls, you can trace who owns the phone thru the white pages on the internet. It is a reversal, where you put in the phone number.

Are you and she in the same county? Have you come from another county and lived in 'that county' for six months?

Read up on the state statues. That will open your eyes on your rights.

I've been out of the military for nine years now, and no old contacts.  No cop buddies on my side, just hers.  I have a tape recorder on my phone line and caller ID, (the tape is illegal  - screw it)

We are on opposite ends of California, and the court down here has no jurisdiction, because I have only been here since January 1st.  We lived up there for about a year and a half.

I think I'm fairly up to date on these issues.  I mistakenly filed for divorce down here, so that she would have to travel to fight me.  After the fact, I discovered that I have to live here for three months to give them jurisdiction.  She hadn't been served yet, so I went back to the courthouse and amended the filing to legal separation (no residency requirement).  She will be served first thing in the morning.  I guess I'm in limbo for awhile as I wait for her response.

Meanwhile, keep the comments coming....  You people have been an inspiration and a real source of comfort to me these last couple days!

That is a great idea... I'm going to type up the letter tonight.  Thank you so much for all your input!

I will research that and post an answer for you and everyone else when I get an answer.

Can you file in the county you lived in for a year and a half?

Even if your tapes can not be presented in court. It would help give your attorney a true insight on what is really going on.

Someone else on the board would know more about this, but I heard if you have a court stenographer type what is said in the phone conversation, it could be admissable. Get more feed back on that. I have never done it and I am in a different state.

You can also ask Soc on a lot of the issues you are facing. He is a true genius.

We have all been in limbo. Things seem bad right now. You just have to keep up the fight. Take one day at a time and make it productive. Every day make a goal and then accomplish it. There is a time tracker on this site that is free or the Optimal time tracker, but you will need to pay for access. Either one will give you a jump start.

If you have any joint accounts with her, get them closed!


"Children learn what they live"

Well, I could file up there, but the problem is, that's where she has all her connections.  In fact, believe it or not I have contacted EVERY single attorney in that area... and the one that I didn't contact is her instructor in her Adiministration of Justice classes!

Every other one in that area is either too busy with current cases or says they can't help me because my case is "too complicated".

Go figure.

That stenographer idea is a good thought but it sounds expensive.  I'll look into it.

A couple other people on here have mentioned this guy Soc.  I haven't heard from him yet.  Maybe someone can give me an idea on how to get him to check out my story and maybe reply.

Your comments and everyone else's have been greatly appreciated.  Please keep them coming if you happen to brainstorm any more ideas.

Go the the main message board were you click on fathers issues. Scroll down. There you will find 'Dear Socrateaser'

Post some of your questions, but follow the format. He likes things in paragraphs and when you get to your questions, number them. Sometimes it takes a few days, but he will reply.

There is also a Shrink wrap and Divorce Strategy. They may also help give you some insight.

Good luck!

"Children learn what they live"

Forgot to mention. Any paper work you have, get it out of your house or apartment. Let a family member hold things for you. Anything regarding your kids or bank statements, address book, anything that you feel may be related. They will come in handy later, but you DO NOT want her to get them.

When you are writing in your journal, address every paper 'for your attorney only'

I wish there was something I could do or say to make this better for ya.  This bites.  I've been reading all the posts and seems everyone else has given you excellent advice.

I do have one comment to make.

-----I'm not in the least bit concerned with the rape allegation. It is completely, obviously bogus-----

Buddy...you SHOULD be terribly concerned with this.  Look at it, man!  Rape?  Cripes!  That's not little...HUGE HUGE HUGE.  If she's anything like any of the other exes here, or mine...this could be the 1st of many.  

I thought the same thing when I was falsely accused of a felony.  No biggie...I didn't do it, I'll be let off, I won't serve 6 years in prison.   Well...guess what?  Even though the jury found me not guilty,  I still DID 6 years...it took me that long to get my son away from this monster.  Once a child is in someones care..it becomes status quo...something that's VERY hard to change.  

Lots of "parents" are vicious when it comes to custody and child support.  Things you think she'll never do?  Think again.  She's accused you of rape, meaning she wants you GONE!  Something tells me she ain't stopping here....

Good luck in everything you do...Good luck getting your children.  I'm sorry I don't have great things to offer you.....

She has moved out of our house with three months remaining on the lease, destroyed much of my stuff, emptied and closed our bank accounts, and went into hiding.  I have kept impecable records over the years, and she has all of them.

I really appreciate the thought though.

Just your support and encouragement along with everyone else's here have been invaluable to me.

You're right, there's nothing that this crazy woman isn't capable of.  The sad part is, it took me this long to figure that out.  What I meant was, there's no way any charges can possibly be filed.  The cops haven't even submitted anything to the District Attorney, because they KNOW it never happened.

Thanks again for your support.

-----I have a tape recorder on my phone line and caller ID, (the tape is illegal - screw it)-----

WHOA!!!!  I'm assuming it's illegal because your state is a "two party" state, meaning nothing recorded is admissable in court...am I right?

If so...record away!  I have SO MANY tapes of monster saying the most horrible awful terrible things.  I'm in a one party state, but the Judge still refused to hear them.  I have one tape of the little jerk saying he'll give me my child for my one week block in the summer (court ordered, mind you) if I give him 500 bucks in "party money" first...and if I don't, then I can go to f**king hell.  I've got him on tape threatening the life of my child...threatening to "take him out" while I have the pleasure of listening. (turns out my child wasn't even with him at the time) I have tape after tape of horrible shit.  Evil shit.  

The Judge flat out refused to listen to ANY recordings.....but a GAL would.  Keep that in mind.    A GAL won't "use" it in court, but could get a "feel" for that rotten bitch of an ex....

If no one ever hears them...fine.  But you may get a GAL who wants to hear what she's "really" like.

Sometimes ya gotta be a bit sneaky.

So far, she hasn't contacted me, but my tapes are waiting....

It's such a shame that there has to be those kinds of people sharing our air.

Don't beat up on yourself now. Now is definitely not the time. While it is true that you face an uphill battle, you could also use this crisis as an opportunity and go into it with gusto. It is empowering to educate yourself and to stand up for your rights and your children's rights.

You are definitely on the right track- just seeing all the responses to your posting shows that. SPARC is THE source for single fathers like you and I to learn about this strange, often terrifying world of custody fights and criminal complaints.

Years from now, the smoke will clear and you will have a new life- a life with your kids on a regular basis. People used to tell me that 2 years ago when I went through this ordeal and it came true.

A word on strategy: I found it helpful to analyze my situation, define the specific problems I faced, isolate them, and develope a game plan for each issue. Like you have the criminal complaint- that's a separate issue from the custody issue, which is also separate from the emotional issues you're facing over the betrayal and cruelty of your ex. Each issue holds a solution, or a series of outcomes, some better than others. I actually found myself drawing a chart with headings and subheadings, like an outline. I think it helps you to feel a certain manageability to what seems like an unmanageable situation. Read. Write. Join a support group. Join the SPARC chatroom. Rise to the occasion.

Really, I mean it.  What an inspiring message.  When I said I haven't cried since I was a kid, I meant it. I have cried every day now for the past 19 days.

I know that everything you say is true... although almost impossible to truly believe.  If, on Feb 17, I do not return home with my babies, I won't be able to live with myself.  I will have failed them.

I know you're right.  As difficult as it is to see the end of the tunnel, I know it's there.  And your comments help to confirm it.  God, I'm crying again!

Please accept my deepest gratitude for these invaluable words of encouragement.

Homewrecked,

Here goes an attempt to enlighten, encourage and support your endeavors for your children.  I read many of the posts and what I post may very well have already been provided for consideration.  When I read the MYSONDAD and INDY's post just above I'm thinking to myself Yep ! and Yep !  ...you do not have to live under the same roof in order for someone to break in and ransack your place ... she'll be crying rape everywhere she goes for her own benefit and up the road what is now considered false accusations may become charges.  This woman is capable of doing shit you and I or anyone else here could ever imagine ... and just think there is a 'Dream Team' of wealth with knowledge and experiences.  I seldom post my PBFH shit because I don't want to give any other psychos any ideas and everyone would either think I was lying or exagerating ... hell I lived it and still don't believe it.  I was you a little over twenty years ago (and shit still happens)... Nam-era vet, 3 kids (older than you probably)... 2 states away surrounded with high powered influence in mama's hometown where the kids nor I had ever resided.  Her parents were very wealthy and behind everything and had been for all 15 years of the marriage.  I, like you,  was very much the primary nuturing care giver as well as the primary provider and had been their entire lives. PLEASE remember my kids were able to speak out and protect themselves even tho they were initially (??) PAS'd.

Considerations :
*whatever happens now will be effecting your kids when they are adults

*BM will harm the kids if you let her

*BM will destroy you if you let her

*BM will be highly favored in all matters no matter what ..if you let her

*she will be above the laws ..if you let her .. it's called discretion

*always rise above the fray and focus on the children

*think about contacting the state supreme court and asking for the names of former clerks (attys)...they may be "rule of law" types capable of turning the local yokals upside down with a recusal motion for being bias and prejudice against your children and you.  Yahoo says Sacramento is a little over 200 miles from Susanville.  Mine was very eager, very good, very cheap, and kept him posted for over a year with out a retainer before he entered and kicked serious butt.

*prepare a chronological summary of events/occurrences (including pre-separation involvement with the kids) ready to fax to an attorney before you talk for long over the phone...be very selective who you fax to  

*always brush off the dirt, leave the blood and move forward

*deem all the documented wealth of info. from SPARC articles

*be mindful that things may not not be as bleak as they seem...she may very well have influential enemies in susieville

*always be mentality prepared for anything and conduct yourself professionally NEVER REACTING to a situation

*PRAY for yourself

All of the above is simply random thoughts from the past and there's a lot more that you will learn and experience as you go forward for many years to come...each experience will be unique to you.  BTW,  I could stand to be corrected ...hope this is helpful ... kick ass Homewrecked !!  

Please know sir, that your message will remain a source of encouragement for years to come.

I think that I may just print out this entire thread (if the great responses ever stop coming) and put it in a safe deposit box.  Who knows, maybe someday, I'll run into some poor sap in a similar situation.  Then I'll be blessed with the opportunity to pass it on.

The last couple weeks, I have felt so alone.

I am a 31 year old man, crying like a little girl.

I promise you, I will not let her do any of those things.  And each of those suggestions for me, will become scripture for me.  I am truly grateful for yet another source of inspiration.

Actually Homewrecked and I live in the same state.  
I think this woman is too crafty to get caught sending vindictive email.  I gave up printing all the email that my ex sent, because it made me sick.  Besides, that stuff is old news.  I closed out the account and threw the printed copies away.

Davy, that's one of the best posts you've ever written.

Homewrecked, PeanutsDad wrote on a post a few weeks back about how you learn to recognize people who are going through this, just by the way they look.  You see them at work, the grocery store, church, etc.  I've given guys this website address over the years.  My best friend from school has an older brother who is going through some stuff with his ex weirdo.  I actually showed their mom the site on her computer, and bookmarked it for her.  Don't know if they bothered looking.

Davy brought up an excellent point.  Not everyone likes this woman.  She's an alleycat.  I wonder if she's caused any break ups or divorces?  She has to have enemies; hey us gals don't know her, but we'd cheerfully wring her neck.  Oh yeah, move back to town if you can.  Just keep your ear to the ground.  Who knows, maybe someone will knock at your door with a casserole and a story to tell.

It's real hard to rise above the mud, but you have to try and remain focused on your goal....getting your kids back.  Lol, I should talk...I do enough screeching about my ex on here :+

Davy, this is so good, I copied and put it on the fridge. I want to see it everyday and remind myself what all this is for. I think all of us can use encouragement and inspiration. This really hit home. Positive attitude all the way!

I am living the crap too, and I say NO MERCY! Keeping the nose clean and taking the high road, living right and going on with my life, will destroy the B*TCH. She will go down by her own hand, or should I say mouth.

You are an inspiration. Thank you

Homewrecked, Since she did such a good job trying to screw you up...excuse the pun...  What makes you think she isn't bragging about it? Probably will brag how her well orchestrated plan went. Might be heard by someone who will kiss and tell.

She may have pulled records and documents from your home, but you are not the only one who had copies.

I can only pray that one dayI will have the opportunity to return the favor to you all by being the source of inspiration to some other poor soul.

Nothing would be better than for her to snitch herself off to the wrong person!

I printed that one out too, that was brilliant.  Also, check out reply #39 by combokid.

Are you taking steps to work out visitation? Courts love visuals. I track my psycho bit*h 4 different ways. Two are visual. You need to see your kids and they need to see you. Get some back up as far as you taking care of them when Mommie Dearest was at work. Any chance of getting her past work schedule? I would think her long hours at work will help you out. Doctors report showing you take them to the doctor. Any proof that would show you were the one staying at home with them. You could make your own calender and use different colors of marker to show what days they were in your care. I like the AOL calendar. It changes the font color for you. Have pictures of you and the kids together. Candid pictures work the best. Go back as far as you can. Never say 'play' in front of the Judge. Care giving or nurturing is better. Stress the strong bond you have with your children.

Take pictures of your home and their bedrooms. Where ever she has them, I bet they are sharing a bedroom with someone else.

Since she has taken your documents and records. Think and write down what you had. Make a list with the most important first. Go back to where that document came from. Most places will have things in their archives. Get copies.

Everyday, I do at least one thing to put me closer. I may never win this.
But my son will someday grow up and ask questions. I know she will slam me and lie thru her teeth. She has also managed to get others to lie and do things for her. MY SON'S OPINION IS THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS.
If I need to show him what happened, I will, when he is old enough to handle the truth. Until then, I just enjoy my time and give him all the love and understanding I can. He will know that I will always be there for him. But he will know how hard I fought to stay in his life and how much I love and care for him. He is the air I breath.

Take the advice given, it's very helpful and the people that have been here a long time know what they are talking about.  

Crying like a little girl, huh?  No such thing...big men can cry too...you are entitled to it and should never be ashamed of your feelings.  Everyone hurts once in a while.  It's ok to show it.  Alot of men here know exactly what you are going through.  

Take care...Many prayers and thoughts your way...

First, let me say that our prayers are with you & your children.

Next, I don't think I have seen this in any other posts. Make sure the divorce lawyer you hire (& remember the word hire) is a Board certified Family Law & Custody Specialist. Lawyers are a lot like tatoos. Good ones aren't cheap & cheap ones often aren't good.

You must remember that you can pay a half dozen cheap lawyers a lot of money over several years while you are without your kids or pay one real good guy to get them now.

I know how much money is an issue but I sure wish we had the money we gave the first butthead lawyer who sat & said nothing while the idiot blonde judge gave the kids back to the PBFH who had numerous charges against her from CPS for neglect & abuse & had turned their home into a druggie flop house. The butthead then stood, shook my sons hand & said, "Well, we fought the good fight but that is the way it is in family court."

His bill for a substantial balance, over the huge retainer my son had paid, came the next day. The new lawyer called him & told him that if he ever contacted us again, he would represent my son in a malpractice suite against him.

Now back to that word hire. Remember that your lawyer WORKS for you & needs to listen to you & keep you up on all issues.

Can somebody tell me & homewrecked if there are county residency rules for custody? It seems like all I have ever seen are references to state residency laws. If that is the case, then he should be able to file for custody in his county, now.

I hope this helps, Good luck & God bless.



You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

That is truly escellrnt advice.  I will use it all.  

I truly appreciate your feedback. I have talked to a father's rights advocate, and he told me that the custody issue will have to be taken up in the county where they have most recently held permanent residency.  That is up there.

Thanks again on the lawyer advise. Consider it graciously accepted.

Honest men esteem and value nothing so much in this world as a real friend.

Such a one is as it were another self, to whom we impart our most secret thoughts, who partakes of our joy, and comforts us in our affliction; add to this, that his company is an everlasting pleasure to us.

-Bidpai

I thank you all for your counsel and kind words.  Please know, that each one of you has played a vital part in renewing my energy to stand up and ensure that this experience turns into a harsh, but valuable memory.

I have received so much from this group, the value is unmeasurable.

My promise is this:

The countless tools and recources will be utilized to capacity.  I will always cherish the support and encouragement.  Your words of wisdom will forever be appreciated.

I have printed several of your replies and posted them on my wall, so I can see them every day, as a constant source of refreshment and encouragement.

I'm have no idea what's coming next.  I haven't seen any end to this tunnel yet, but I know it's there.  I will return and post updates as they happen for those who may be interested.

Once again I thank you, but most importantly, my children thank you.

homewrecked,

I was up late reading through this site trying to learn as much as I need to in order to protect myself from what is going to happen next. I can only hope and pray that my situation will not be as crazy as yours sounds like it is. Although I am worried about the similarities I  see in the 2 situations. I was wondering if I could get some advice or info as to anything you have been able to use or do that made a positive change in your situation. I would love to get anything I can get my hands on so that I do not become the victim. Please advise.

PS: I dont know if you saw my previous post or not (called "Help I am in trouble!!") But the latest is she is FURIOUS that I filed for divorce and she wants child support (for kids I am not allowed near) as well as alimony!) I am scared and dont know what to do. Thios is a truly evil and vindictive person. I am going to be in for a long haul I can tell.