For those of you that remember me, I have some great news. SD just turned 18 and is going to graduate in a couple of months! I am so excited! DH has 2 CS payments left, which means only 2 months to actually have to deal with PBFH!
Another bit of good news is, I am pregnant. DH and I are so excited. We are both in our mid-thirties and feel like this is a new beginnning.
The advice I need is, how do you recommend DH tell SD? We live very far, so it can't be face-to-face. For those that don't know the story, BM is seriously crazy and will make life as difficult as possible. Graduation is at the end of May but I don't know if I just want to show up a giant and spring it on her and her mom.
Anyone have experience with this one?
Thanks
Ref
Not sure how your relationship with SD is but what about flowers or such delivered to school. Or Candy. Congrulating her on being a big sister.
COngrats to you on both your big news
Congratulations to you and your husband!! Sorry that you have to think this through so thouroughly instead of just being happy, as you should be.
I think it's best to tell SD as soon as possible. If you wait SD might be upset that you kept it from her, and you definitely don't want to have her graduation over-shadowed by the surprise of the pregnancy and BM's ensuing drama. You can't do anything about how BM is going to react.
Your husband will want to reinforce that it won't change the way he feels about SD. That it's an addition, not a replacement. Share your excitment with her, and make her a part of it. Send ultrasound pictures, etc.
I hope it goes well.
No advice, but wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
Thank you so much for your thoughts and your well wishes. I really like the idea of sending flowers, but BM has a habit of either refusing packages or opening them even though they are addressed to SD. Too bad SD is going to live with her mom for at least another 2 years.
It is a shame, but I think this is going to extemely unwelcomed news. I hope we are still invited to her graduation.
THANKS AGAIN!
Ref
Ref
huge congrads ... I think ya'll have been looking forward to these moments for quite some time. My hope for you and your child is to take upmost care of yourself ... physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and protect yourself, above all else, from any negativity and dysfunctionality. That means not letting your baby become an object of BM's illness thru SD.
You might consider forgoing the graduation ceremony and let the love and joy of the baby speak to SD directly. Awsome and powerful that PBFH can not overcome. Just my 2 cents !
Best to All !!
Congratulations, Ref! And that CS money will be a big help for the new baby, too!
Droogle suggested sending SD something at school....the PBFH couldn't stop that, could she? I think flowers at school is a great idea, but I think what you really need to ask yourselves is how you think SD will react to the news. The heck with the PBFH....with SD graduating and hopefully getting out from under PBFH's thumb, it shouldn't make any difference what she thinks. But I would hate to see you and/or DH foregoing her graduation just because you're pregnant. Yeah, the news will probably send the PBFH over the edge, but who cares what she thinks?
Does she have a cell phone? Maybe text her "How would you like to be a big sister in (June)?"
Great ideas guys! I really appreciate the help. I'll pass them on to DH.
We honestly can't say how SD will react. She is so much like her mom sometimes.
Thanks again
Ref
I don't think dad should miss graduation.
and if you're showing and can't be subtle about it, then I'd tell SD now and not at the same time or day of her graduation.
And then you both go -- be ready for drama which is the norm for the BM you deal with, and let it slide off your back.
If dad doesn't go -- I just recommend you two tell SD BEFORE the baby is born.
Quote from: ocean on Mar 28, 2009, 12:07:14 PM
Does she have a cell phone? Maybe text her "How would you like to be a big sister in (June)?"
I wouldn't ask the question because you might not like the answer, especially if it's influenced by the BM. I'd make it more of a statement than a question. Will this be her first sibling from either side?
Wow...I am new member, and of all the threads to read, I just finished your Christmas dilemma from way back.
I want to say congrats first off. I am sure that you are very excited, as I was when my DH and I had our baby boy that gave us the 'ours' after the 'his & mine'. The EX and his kids not so happy though ( yep, I have one of those evil people in my life...we figure that since she never spends the CS money on the kids, she must be using it to plan her wedding to Satan when she goes to he!!.)
Anyway, from experience, I will say this....let the SD graduate without the knowledge of new sibling. Her mother will point the finger at your hubby anytime something doesn't go their way, stating that it is because of the 'new baby'. Just go to the graduation....believe me, don't miss that one, we still have a 2 year grudge from the 20 year old over missing hers (she was in TX, we were in CA and it just wasn't feasible since it was "you can come, you can't come, you can come but don't bring your girlfriend, never mind don't come, I want you there please, I hate you don't show your face, are you coming?"). Once the hub-bub over the graduate is in the past (say a week or two) Then make the announcement. Not to mention, it allows you time to get through the first trimester sans additional stress that you can easily avoid.
That is just my opinion...I could be wrong.
Oh and FYI...when she learned (small town) that we were trying for a baby four years ago, she is just that psycho that she slept with anyone she could.... our now 3 year olds were born 2 weeks apart....I'll tell ya that one on another day. Right now I need to get ready to go see our attorney (fill ya in on that later as well!)
Quote from: vinelli on Apr 02, 2009, 11:36:09 AM
Once the hub-bub over the graduate is in the past (say a week or two) Then make the announcement. Not to mention, it allows you time to get through the first trimester sans additional stress that you can easily avoid.
I believe she'll be past the first trimester and showing when the SD graduates. That's why she wants to tell her before graduation. So that the drama has dissipated and the focus is on SD.
Yeah. I'm only 10.5 weeks but I swear I'm already waddling! :)
The cellphone idea is cute but DH TODAY had a series of emails from his ex flipping out about a 20 cent text he sent his daughter to let her know he tried to call her on her home phone and he promised and could not get through.
I think the plan is to send SD a bouquet of flowers with a message simply saying "love Dad". When she calls to ask him about it, he can tell her the news.
I am terrified of seeing his ex at graduation. Seriously terrified. She is so crazy and now she is panicing. Once she finds out we are expecting, I don't know what she will do.
Someone asked if this is SD's first sibling. Yes. This is it. DH and BM were very young when they had SD and now Dh and I are "mature" and having our first.
Thanks again. Everyone here is so helpful.
Ref
Send her the text and send PB 40 cents in the mail..LOL
Good idea with the flowers...PB will make her call you back just to find out what it up..lol
It is spring break around here so make sure there is school there...
Quote from: ocean on Apr 03, 2009, 07:33:48 PM
Send her the text and send PB 40 cents in the mail..LOL
Good idea with the flowers...PB will make her call you back just to find out what it up..lol
It is spring break around here so make sure there is school there...
LOL!! I like the 40 cent idea.
Flowers wouldn't work around here. They would be rejected at the office. Students aren't allowed to receive flowers, balloons, etc. as they say it's distracting and could hurt feelings of those who don't get anything.
Do everything in your power to shield this graduating senior from adult conflict. Her graduation day should be full of only joy, and not adult conflict. Braintstorm with your husband about how the information should be given to daughter; this may set the tone for years to come, and having a positive extended family framework is a great place to start. Half sisters can be a blast, but your actions now may very well inhibit a great relationship in the future.
Be careful not to take advice that will keep you engaged in the conflict. Remove yourself, hold your head high, revel in your growing belly, and try to be compassionate about what is making the ex so very miserable and difficult to deal with.
Graduating girl comes first. That's an easy one! Good luck, enjoy enjoy enjoy!
(http://www.deltabravo.net/forum/Smileys/default/smiley.gif)
It is great to see an old timer with a quandary about something GOOD for a change.
4honor
Thanks 4 honor! I am so excited about both the baby and my SD's graduation. I was nervous that she wouldn't be able to do it, but with a little $ incentive, she has been going to school and getting good grades. I have to say that bribing, I mean incentivizing her was the best idea I have ever had! (hehe)
Shaden3, I appreciate your advice, but it makes me giggle a little. DH and I have been together for 15 years and dealing with an ex that is seriously ,and I'm not exaggerating, out of her mind. We have shielded SD from what we could all this time, but it is next to impossible when she lives with such a hatefilled and vindictive mother. It is a lesson learned with over a decade of being beaten to hell by BM. We have had to deal with that fact that SD will be emotionally beaten-up by her mom any time her mom hears anything she doesn't like about our lives. It is out of our hands.
I love SPARC and can't tell you how much this board has helped us with this struggle. I think I initially came to this site back in 1999 or 2000, under a different name. I remember counting down to SD's 18th birthday back then and it being in the thousands. I have to say for something that seemed so terribly slow, sometimes it seems so fast.
Thank you all for everything. I will be back, but hopefully just to give insight.
BTW, we haven't told SD yet. We were waiting until some of the tests came back. They did, so the news is imminent. SCARY!
Ref
Well, you BETTER be back........if for nothing else but to tell us of the new addition! (http://www.deltabravo.net/forum/Smileys/default/smiley.gif)
Ref, you and your family have been through he!! and back all these years. And that your SD has managed to get to where she is now is a testament to you and your DH's committment to her.
And just when you will be (hopefully!) ending one chapter in your lives (at least with the ex), now you will be starting another! So I won't be too surprised if your posts a year from now will be 'complaining' about how tired you are! (http://www.deltabravo.net/forum/Smileys/default/wink.gif) But like you said, back in 1999 it seemed like this day would never come, but here you are already! Remember that, because it will feel like that with your new wee one as well.......so enjoy and savor every moment, because it goes by WAY too fast!
Oh, my Lord!!!! We all (oldtimers) came here about 1999????
Wow!!! It's been a LONG time, hasn't it?
Oh, it was even earlier than that, Lucky! (http://www.deltabravo.net/forum/Smileys/default/cheesy.gif)
DH and I will be celebrating our 10th anniversary on the 1st (Yay! Beat BM's record by a landslide!) and I know I was here before that. In fact, I think I was here within the first year of inception and I know that you were already here when I came.
My, how time flies when we're having fun..........(TOTALLY tongue-in-cheek!) (http://www.deltabravo.net/forum/Smileys/default/rolleyes.gif)
Probably was... We moved into our house in June 1998 and I got internet... And had a PBFH!!!!! without doubt.
And now her youngest is 18 and graduating.
Only one to go and that pbfh learned it's best not to mess with us - although we don't see yss cause they'd brainwashed him so badly he was threatening the other kids among other very bad behavior. He so badly didn't want to be here, we let him go. I told dh that he needs to write letters, even if he doesn't mail them for when yss turns 18 (only 2 more years).