hello here is alittle run down,
my ex lives out of state, she has not seen our son for well over two years. has not talked to him on the telephone, sent him christmas gifts or birthday gifts. she has a history of mental issues, she was even in the mental hospital a week or two due to telling her work she was considering using my gun on my son and myself then killing herself. i filed for divorce with legal and physical custody with reasonable visitations for her. She filed a response back agreeing to the physical custody but wants joint legal, and a set visitation schedule.
My problem comes with, my son does not know her. he is 7 now and the last time she saw him he was 4 years old. she lives in Arizona, i Live in Northern california where our son was born and raised. i am afraid she would attempt to steal him, i do not trust her what so ever. She drinks quite alot and is under medication. When i talked to her about the visitation asking her what she wanted, she stated she doesn't know yet. and by the time we enter mediation she would come up with something.
My son is doing excellent in school, is advancing in karate and is very well taken care of. I have many people offering to testify and write letters in our behalf after hearing of this. I even considered his school teachers. Any and all advise or comments welcome, thank you.
Ask for supervised visitation based on the fact that she has made threats against your child's life and her own, and the child doesn't know her.
i will do that very thing. Do you think she will get joint legal custody? shoyuld i hire an attorney at this point? can i hire one after filing these papers?
Quote from: grtdaddy on May 24, 2009, 09:20:04 AM
hello here is alittle run down,
my ex lives out of state, she has not seen our son for well over two years. has not talked to him on the telephone, sent him christmas gifts or birthday gifts. she has a history of mental issues, she was even in the mental hospital a week or two due to telling her work she was considering using my gun on my son and myself then killing herself. i filed for divorce with legal and physical custody with reasonable visitations for her. She filed a response back agreeing to the physical custody but wants joint legal, and a set visitation schedule.
My problem comes with, my son does not know her. he is 7 now and the last time she saw him he was 4 years old. she lives in Arizona, i Live in Northern california where our son was born and raised. i am afraid she would attempt to steal him, i do not trust her what so ever. She drinks quite alot and is under medication. When i talked to her about the visitation asking her what she wanted, she stated she doesn't know yet. and by the time we enter mediation she would come up with something.
My son is doing excellent in school, is advancing in karate and is very well taken care of. I have many people offering to testify and write letters in our behalf after hearing of this. I even considered his school teachers. Any and all advise or comments welcome, thank you.
You have several options. You may want to check with an attorney about: 1) filing for temporary emergency full custody due to the threats of abduction; 2) asking for strictly supervised visitation through an agency; 3) ask the courts to mandate a psychological evaluation; 3) bring your son to a therapist who may be able to evaluate the situation on his behalf; 4) ask for full legal and physical custody, and 4) ask the courts to appoint an Attorney for the Child (Law Guardian).
Please note that mediation is not appropriate for those without the mental capacity and severe substance abuse to engage properly in the process. Rates of compliance for these agreements are very low. Don't sign anything you don't feel is in the best interests of your child. Also, reunification with an absentee parent comes with many subtle difficulties, so look for a therapist who may have some experience in this area if you decide to find a counselor.
Again, bring the threats of abduction and harm to the forefront of your quest to protect your son. Good luck to you.
You can file for sole custody but, if you end up with joint legal, it won't affect the visitation. You can still ask for supervised visitation.
I would hire an attorney. There are a lot of great articles on this site about how to find a good attorney. Make sure you interview several. You can save money by taking the papers to the courthouse to be filed yourself, after your attorney has looked them over.
You can hire one at any point, but if you're going to use one I would do it now. That way you know exactly what to put on the papers, and the best way to do it.
thank you for the replys,
i have already filed for physical and legal custody. she stated she agreed to physical but wanted joint legal. Do you think i have a case for her not to have it? my family of course says i do but that doesn't mean anything. I plan on contacting attourneys asap. I have to protect my son. Do any of you think a judge would allow her to take him out of state after not seeing or talking to him for over two years? I also put in the papers she was a risk for taking him out of state, and visitation would have to be in california and in our county. any feedback on these questions? thank you!
well i went and retained a lawyer, in fact the best one in town. and he seems to think this is a slam dunk case. we will see, but at least i know my baby is safe from being snatched. I will have my temp orders signed by a judge friday.
Shaden, I have to disagree with your commend about mediation.
In certain circumstances -- like what he has described -- mediation can still be appropriate with the addition of an advocate or professional assistance on the mother's side (in this example). And I'm not talking about having the mom's attorney present as the "professional assistant", but someone like a counselor, social worker, or someone that mom trusts for advice more down to the personal level. It could even be one of her parents if her relationship with them is good.
Quote from: MixedBag on May 28, 2009, 05:55:05 AM
Shaden, I have to disagree with your commend about mediation.
In certain circumstances -- like what he has described -- mediation can still be appropriate with the addition of an advocate or professional assistance on the mother's side (in this example). And I'm not talking about having the mom's attorney present as the "professional assistant", but someone like a counselor, social worker, or someone that mom trusts for advice more down to the personal level. It could even be one of her parents if her relationship with them is good.
MixedBag, I believe I understand the point you are making regarding mediation, and I am glad you put this out there. I agree that bringing all parties who are important to the decision-making (and who the primary parties agree to have join the mediation) should be there, absolutely.
It's really a personal preference for the type of mediation practice.
More specifically, when providing conflict res services for families (especially regarding parenting plans) I would shy away from having a mental health professional there to advocate/counsel/guide a party with impaired mental health capacity there for several reasons.
The founding type of mediation in this country began as "facilitative," where we look for an agreement as the focus and less on the lasting relational needs. These agreements are more often suited for landlord-tenant, buyer-seller, etc. However, for helping the parties find a way to deal long-term, change the way they communicate, move through the past and the pain, a more "transformative" approach may be best. This allows for far less mediator input. Hard, very very hard to keep one's mouth shut and know when to jump in! But it's a practice that benefits the parties, the kids for more years, gets over the mountain of pain (rather than around), makes the parties directly responsible for and benefit from the hard work, and sees far more compliance than the older forms.
Truth be told, far too few "real" conflict professionals out there who are willing to take the time and do the much more difficult job of transforming these high conflicts to ongoing opportunites to heal. I think of Prometheus Bound for these couples, because the struggles are never resolved, but they're used to redefine the relationships. Some days are bad, but the good ones are worth it.
To that end, in this type of relationship mediation, an advocate would be inappropriate. However, for a short-term agreement (which, yes, may be exactly what the OP needs!), this might be considered.
well she showed up with a lawyer. which come ot find out was retained for her from one of her online boyfriends. they i got the the temp order, but they responded with joint custody with legal and physical. we had to talk to a triage person which set up two seperate two hr visits with our son this weekend. I am also getting counseling for my son, i want him to be okay mentally. my lawyer says she has no shot at custody, but i would like to hear from you guys as well on your thoughts. I am going to the womens refuge tomorrow, because a couple years back after we split my son and I went there for some help. due to the mom being VERY verbally abusive to both of us, but more so my baby. any advise?
wow nobody?
Begin with Supervised visitation only. A piece of paper may not prevent the baby from being snatched. You need to know the parties that are with your baby if possible.
do you or anyone else think i have a good chance of getting physical custody? i also have 15 letters of testimony to file, which includes witness of her abuse. and support for me of my stable home i provide. she believs she will get joint custody, and i do not want that. like said i want supervised visitations for a good long while to start out. but my baby needs to live in my home. please any comments are very welcomed and i need support i'm going through the worst time of my life in fear of my sons well being.
You have physical custody now and have been the primary parent for two years.... How can she ask to do half custody if she does not live with you? Don't be too afraid of joint legal, especially if she is far away. It gives her the right to contact his school and get report cards and talk to drs if she chose too but bottom line is that you are there taking him to the dr and school.
Is it possible to get some of your witnesses to court instead of the letters? Better the judge hears from a real person because in our experience the letters may never be read just collected from you. Have your lawyer bring in a few.
Do you have evidence of her hospital stay? Your lawyer can cross examine her on that... You can testify to it but hear say rules make a lot of questions illegal to ask so ask your lawyer about that too..Maybe ask for a full psychological on her due to her past?
They will probably start out slow with visits and if she follows through with them all it will get increased. Eventually doing a more regular schedule...How far is she from you? Driving distance for weekend visits?
she lives 15 hrs away, but now she is moving back to this area apparently. which changes some things. but she has no job, or a place of her own. she is staying with a friend. everything she has done and being done has been funded by an online stranger, I on the ohter hand have to sacrifice to fight it's really unfair after all this time. he has pretty decent report cards which i am hoping will show he is in a stable enviroment. She has not seen him in over two years, I want full physical custody do yout hink i have a good shot at getting it?
As far as the hospital is concerned it is documented she has proplems and problems with depression and suicide. I also have witnesses that are willing to testify to her abuse. She also got evicted from her apartment and abandoned her animls in the apt which should really show how iresponsible she can be. She really believes she will get joint physical custody, that is my biggest fear what do you think?
Hi again,
Since you have him and she doesnt have a place, you have a great change of keeping physical custody. Keeping him in his school is very important to the courts so if she doesnt move into your school district would be very good for you but for right now dont worry so much.
When you get to court try not to be so negative about the mother. State facts without too much neg emotion. That you want son to know his mother in a safe environment and right now that you feel supervised would be best considering the circumstances but if the mother shows the courts and remains in counseling the court can give her more slowly. That your son was just reintroduced to the mother after 2 years that it needs to be slow.
Like I said before, dont worry about the joint legal even if she lives close by. It really doesnt do much. If you "give" in to that and that makes her happy then DO IT. She probably figured out that if she gave you full physical custody then she will have to pay you child support which you can also negotiate. Has she been paying? If not, then you can offer her a reduced amount and a gradual visitation plan according to the courts and how things go. Definitely bring some people to testify in your behalf.
When is your next court date? YOu need to relax and I know that is hard to do but this is going to be months (and my guess will be at least a year) for this to be settled unless the two lawyers work something out so...you need to turn it off so you can still have a life through this. Go and enjoy raising him and deal with this when you have to. Right now you have to but it doesnt have to be 24 hours a day. Court will take over your life if you let it.
How is your son doing about seeing mom again for the first time this weekend? Are you allowed to be there and stay if he wants?
Quote from: ocean on Jun 03, 2009, 07:01:07 PM
Hi again,
Since you have him and she doesnt have a place, you have a great change of keeping physical custody. Keeping him in his school is very important to the courts so if she doesnt move into your school district would be very good for you but for right now dont worry so much.
When you get to court try not to be so negative about the mother. State facts without too much neg emotion. That you want son to know his mother in a safe environment and right now that you feel supervised would be best considering the circumstances but if the mother shows the courts and remains in counseling the court can give her more slowly. That your son was just reintroduced to the mother after 2 years that it needs to be slow.
Like I said before, dont worry about the joint legal even if she lives close by. It really doesnt do much. If you "give" in to that and that makes her happy then DO IT. She probably figured out that if she gave you full physical custody then she will have to pay you child support which you can also negotiate. Has she been paying? If not, then you can offer her a reduced amount and a gradual visitation plan according to the courts and how things go. Definitely bring some people to testify in your behalf.
When is your next court date? YOu need to relax and I know that is hard to do but this is going to be months (and my guess will be at least a year) for this to be settled unless the two lawyers work something out so...you need to turn it off so you can still have a life through this. Go and enjoy raising him and deal with this when you have to. Right now you have to but it doesnt have to be 24 hours a day. Court will take over your life if you let it.
How is your son doing about seeing mom again for the first time this weekend? Are you allowed to be there and stay if he wants?
she is being garnished for childsupport. she never liked paying. she is moving back in with a friend she met from the bar scene back in the day which is a party house still. I was allowed to be there for her two hr visits, my son doesn't know what is going on obviously and i am putting him into councling right away. i have documentation of reported abuse from the mother when we left her. i am hoping this will help keep things slow and keep him with me where he has been well taken care of and doing so well. she will not be living in our school district not even close. I understand she will get visitations but my goal is to keep it slow for a good while and keep him living with me full time. I can't express enough how much he has changed for the better with the stability and continuity provided for him in my home. I had no idea this could last a year after she has been out of the picture for so long, everyone keeps telling me not to worry i will have custody. But it's not easy to relax.
It is good if it lasts a year because he is in your home for another year. She needs to prove why she should have custody and why it would be in the best interest of the child. The burden in on HER. You care there to show everything is fine and counter what she says.
The counselor will help you but go and interview them FIRST without son. It took us at least 2-3 tries before we got one that fit our needs. Tell them the situation and see how they react, how they would handle it, and get a feeling from them. If son is doing okay with things, then maybe have the counselor for YOU and not him. My kids hated therapy. They didnt like to keep talking about it so if he is doing okay and mom is being good and not telling him he is going to live with her...leave it alone. Tell you son that mom came back and wants to start seeing him again but that everything else is fine. Maybe have individual counseling with you and one in a while family in case he needs someone in the future. You dont want to start telling him "mom wants to take you away" therapy sessions when they probably wont happen. Live life for him as close to regular as possible.
When is your next court date and what is it for? Are they starting a custody tria; or hearing? A hearing is just another day to reahash what is going on so then it will be pushed back again...we call family court "hurry up and get there..then wait"
Quote from: ocean on Jun 04, 2009, 04:58:06 AM
It is good if it lasts a year because he is in your home for another year. She needs to prove why she should have custody and why it would be in the best interest of the child. The burden in on HER. You care there to show everything is fine and counter what she says.
The counselor will help you but go and interview them FIRST without son. It took us at least 2-3 tries before we got one that fit our needs. Tell them the situation and see how they react, how they would handle it, and get a feeling from them. If son is doing okay with things, then maybe have the counselor for YOU and not him. My kids hated therapy. They didnt like to keep talking about it so if he is doing okay and mom is being good and not telling him he is going to live with her...leave it alone. Tell you son that mom came back and wants to start seeing him again but that everything else is fine. Maybe have individual counseling with you and one in a while family in case he needs someone in the future. You dont want to start telling him "mom wants to take you away" therapy sessions when they probably wont happen. Live life for him as close to regular as possible.
When is your next court date and what is it for? Are they starting a custody tria; or hearing? A hearing is just another day to reahash what is going on so then it will be pushed back again...we call family court "hurry up and get there..then wait"
next date is june 15th. the first one was just a emergency temp custody order which i got. I did call and talk to another lawyer just to see what a different one would say. he pretty much said i should win custody hands down. of course he didnt want to go into it too much without some money. and from my understand there was not a lawyer in town that would take her case, i'm not sure why but the one she got now took it for the money at the last second. A friend told me it's probably due to winability, which i pray is true. I have alot of dirt of her, i really don't want to be ugly but it may come to that if this really goes on for as long as you stated. The courts have got to look at her mental status from her past, along with the documentation of reported abuse and her suicide intentions. of course my lawyer would need to get the records of her mental hospital stay. This is very scary, she is truley a crazy person and quite honestly I don't trust her around our child in the least.
You have had custody of your son for two years, mom has been out of teh picture, and unless there is something you are not telling us about yourself, (dwi's, criminal charges, etc.) there hasn't been a change in circumstances that would indicate that it would be in your son's best interest to have teh custoy as it now stands to change.
My first perference is joint legal custody with a 50/50 spilt, however, your case is different, no contact, distance, and instabilty. All of those things will come out. I do advise you against saying anything negative to your son about his mother, all children have the right to believe that they are loved and supported by both of their parents, and no child has ever thanked their parent for trashing the other. Always take the higher road, and you will be able to live with both yourself and your son without unneccesary bitternes.
The biggest concern is always what is best for the child, and that is the job of the courts, if the parents cannot agree, you mostly likely will prevail, and won't require additional "dirt" on the mother.
Important things to remember and feel good about is that your son is happy and loved not only by you but also your extended family and friends. He has a sense of community and that is important to health and well being.
If mom wants to be involved that is great, and also good for your son, this should not be veiwed as a win lose situation, just what is good for the boy. If mom is not stable, i.e no place to live, no job, and unbalanced it will all be scene for what it is, not in his best interest.
Any court activity is stressful, and can consume you, If both attorneys have told you that this is a slam dunk, relax, until you have cause to be concerned, otherwise it is a waste of effort and energy that would be better spent enjoying your son. ( It is hard to play a board game if your obsessed with what might happen.)
Kids are smart, and hear alot more than they should so be extra careful not to discuss the pending case around your son, or even where he might hear it.
Good Luck, and chin up. Have Faith!
thank you for the response. i have NEVER said anything bad about his mother. the fact is i couldnt stand it bwecause it would hurt my son's feelings. as far as me i am crystal clean, i work in the medical field and provide very well for our son. I do have the "dirt" on her if needed. i have 5 people willing to testify of her abuse to our son. i know the courts like to forgive, but at the very least it should show he is exactly where he needs to be. with his father. he has gone to the same school for the last two years, and i have had the same job as well. it's hard not to stress when your childs well being is at sake. please pray for him and what is best for him. thank you
Greatdaddy, rest assured my thoughts and prayers will be with your son, and you during this trying time. The advice regarding no negative comments is just advice I always give. I was divorced in 1994, & have three grown children, 27, 23, & 21, plus two step children, 21 & 20. So it is from personal experience as well as eyewitness events that prompt me to hand that advice out so freely.
Keep the faith.
Quote from: ksmarks on Jun 05, 2009, 09:44:53 AM
Greatdaddy, rest assured my thoughts and prayers will be with your son, and you during this trying time. The advice regarding no negative comments is just advice I always give. I was divorced in 1994, & have three grown children, 27, 23, & 21, plus two step children, 21 & 20. So it is from personal experience as well as eyewitness events that prompt me to hand that advice out so freely.
Keep the faith.
thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I believe i may be stressing over nothing, but it's hard not too. I have taken care of this child for over 2 years alone, and now after all this time she is back and along with it comes the craziness, and unstable life that can only hinder our child's progress. I will fight every step of the way for his best intrest and willing to be broke for quite awile to achieve it.
It has also been my observation that some ex's like to drama and the effect that they have on their child's other parent.
So again, KEEP THE FAITH! Enjoy you son and continue to love and support him as you have for the last two years.
I think it makes the ex's crazier when we refuse to buy into their sick need for drama and chaos.
Again good luck!
A word of advice... make sure that, when you're dealing with a judge or court appointed personnel especially, you focus on how the mothers behavior and mental health status is affecting the child. One of the things that concerns the court is whether or not you appear willing to help your child foster and maintain a healthy relationship with their other parent. If you're slinging mud every chance you get it will look like you have a vendetta against the other parent.
Keep in mind also, as your child grows, that children do better with both parents in their lives. Even when one of the parents isn't the greatest. It is extremely detrimental to a child to grow up without one of their parents. Especially when that parent is alive, but just doesn't participate in their life. You have some valid concerns about the safety of your child, and I do think that supervised visitation is advised in your case. However, even though it may seem the easier road to you, I don't think that you should try to cut her completely out of your child's life. It may be beneficial for you to also work with a counselor so that you can help your son deal with having a mentally ill parent in the most healthy way possible.
excellent advise thank you. I have already enrolled both of us (my son and I ) into therapy in hopes to keep my son mentally stable through the process of mom coming back into his life. and myself for the just sheer fact of dealing with all of this heartache. Let me just say that, my wishes are not to cut mom off in fact i feel she needs to step up and become a parent and that is my wish. But i also know who she is and what she does and i know our son's best interest in the stable home i provide for him. She has it stuck in her head all custody should be joint in our case, and i strongly hope that is one issue our justice system disagrees with her on. Just to pijnt out something very small but shows her true colors is, now school is out and has she asked about our sons report card? Not a chance. This is a game for her and her largest goal is to do what she has done for years in the past beat me down, and get over on me. But this time i am fighting back with our sons well being at sake will keep me strong throughout this process.
Most states have a law that you cannot deny the other parent access to the child's medical and school records. A report card is one of those things. You should be sending those to her whenever you get them. What purpose is served by not letting her see her son's report card?
The law requires the SCHOOL to provide the report card to both parents. He should give her the number to the school and let her get her own records. She is trying to get proof for court now. If it was any other time, I would of said copy it for her. Just tell her to call the school and be put on their mailing list. They do it all the time.
I really do believe that we have is a drama queen here, he did not say that he would not give her the report card, but rather, that she still has not inquired about it, which, shows that she is concerned about other things.
let me try to clear this up. I have never denied her anything. if she requested a copy of the report card i would give her one. I'm sorry but i feel that is her responsibility to inquire about day to day things with our son. It's like her defense of asking me to call her to talk to our son, and if i don't she simply never calls and says i deny her talking to our son. Again i feel that is her responsibility to call, as well as being involved in his life. in fact she has only gotten a copy of his report card LAST year due to me telling her about it, she has since never cared to bother asking or inquiring about it. If the roles were reversed let me just say that number one any of those excuses would never keep me from being involved with our son, i would pay any price and do anything to be a active father and role model for this boy. he's my best friend and i am the only stability he knows. This woman abused us both for years before we got away from her, he has done a complete 180 and i can prove that, and as funny as it sounds about a woman being the abusive one it happens believe me, and this is documented and several witnesses ready to take the stand for testimony on eye witness accounts. my heart is breaking into pieces for the sheer fact that our sons stability and continuity is on the line, but if anything should fail it won't be his daddys fight to protect it. thank you for all the responses it does make me feel better and some assurence that he will remain in my custody.
We were not given handbook on how to be parents, or what the expectations where for the job. It could very well be that your son's mother had a difficult upbringing and few appropriate role models to fashion herself after. Parenting classes would help her in that, as would a parent aid.
As previous posters have suggested supervised visitation is a great idea, if you could also get parenting classes and other supports that she might need, your son would benefit form having two parents that are involved in his life.
Quote from: ksmarks on Jun 06, 2009, 11:40:26 AM
We were not given handbook on how to be parents, or what the expectations where for the job. It could very well be that your son's mother had a difficult upbringing and few appropriate role models to fashion herself after. Parenting classes would help her in that, as would a parent aid.
As previous posters have suggested supervised visitation is a great idea, if you could also get parenting classes and other supports that she might need, your son would benefit form having two parents that are involved in his life.
i agree with you 100% our son deserves to have a mom and dad. but the problem is when she was hospitalized for her suicide problems, she was diagnosed bi-polar. she refused this as her problem and would not take any medication that was prescribed to her. she has been on anti depressants since the day i met her, but the problem is she doesn't always take them and to be flat honest they don't work for her. until she takes some accountability for her problems nobody in this world can help her because she refuses it. meanwhile here I am after two years of her never seeing our son attempting to protect his well being if that makes sense. I am going to go for the supervised visitations for quite awile, as i agree with the posters here, but i am also going to attempt to keep sole physical custody at this point and work a visitation schedule for her supervised for a length of time and see if she can do what she needs to do, to become a mother to our child.
grtdaddy - sorry, I misread your post. I thought you had said that she had asked for his report card.
Ocean - I think that, regardless of whether or not you feel the other side is playing games or if they are owning up to their own responsiblity, there are some things that you should always do. Like sharing medical and school information. If you have the information why force the other side to get it from the school? Just to play games too? Getting the school to send report cards to the NCP can be a very frustrating process. I know from my husband having to go through it every year with his kids. It's so much easier if the CP sends a copy.
im going to guess and say because thats the responsibility of the other parent being a parent. you can't simply expect everything to be givin to you, you do have to be a involved parent at some point. and honestly how long do you think that could last before you just get fed up with it?
I think as a parent you need to get the information. Schools are computerized and can easily (and legally they have to) send two copies of report cards out. If I want the copy I fill out the paperwork in the beginning of the year just like the other parent does (new address, phone numbers).
Dr. paperwork also. If I want a copy of the blood work or whatever I ask for it and so should the other parent.
Now, CP's should inform NCP's when there IS a dr appointment because they are the ones making the appointment. Or if the school changes things on the school calendar that the NCP is following since that paperwork usually comes home with the child.
If the CP does give the information then that is their choice but I dont feel it is their responsibilty. My Dh is on the school mailing list, school has an active website, and he called and got his own parent number to go on-line and look at grades and lunch accounts. It is up to the parent to parent not the ex. (but we are dealing with someone that didnt tell us the school concert was changed until AFTER the concert so we are used to finding info out ourselves...)
and thats exactly one of my ex's defenses. she is arguing WE never called her for phone contact visits. I have told her too many times to count that her is her responsibility and she does not agree. in fact she is using that as her only defense in court. I also begged her to send our son things like, letters, pictures, clothes and any kind of gift she felt she wanted to send. She never sent anything, ever. called about 3 times in 2 years.
Ocean, not all schools are as technologically advanced as that. We have struggled every year to get information from the schools. It is also not so easy to get medical information. Sometimes it has taken letters from our attorney to get this information.
I think that parents should work together not against each other. Refusing to share information you have is, in my opinion, just spiteful behavior. There's no reason for it. I do feel it is the CP's responsibility to share information about the children with the NCP - and vice-versa. I don't see any need for gate keeping, except to make life difficult for the other person.
My situation is a little different but I respectfully disagree. If I need to get my girls records from the dr, I have to go down and fill out the paperwork, wait and get it. So should the ex. I am not spiteful and share all info but some things he can do on his own. If ex wants more info or his own he can go and get it set up that way.
I see what you're saying on the Dr information, but the report cards are sent home, so it requires no effort on the CP's part to share this. I'm not saying that one side should be at the others beck and call, but if you already have it then I think you should share it and not make them go and get their own copy just because you can.
I am talking about information you already have in your posession, not something you would have to go and get.
Quote from: gemini3 on Jun 08, 2009, 06:36:04 PM
I see what you're saying on the Dr information, but the report cards are sent home, so it requires no effort on the CP's part to share this. I'm not saying that one side should be at the others beck and call, but if you already have it then I think you should share it and not make them go and get their own copy just because you can.
I am talking about information you already have in your posession, not something you would have to go and get.
what is wrong with expect the NC parent to simply inquire about it. it should be something an parent that gives a crap about has intrest in. not just oh btw here is our childs report card. thats is one sides parenting. if it was the NCP you better believe i would hav a caopy of it or at least ask "when are they comming out, so i can get a copy"
Quote from: grtdaddy on Jun 08, 2009, 09:49:01 PM
what is wrong with expect the NC parent to simply inquire about it. it should be something an parent that gives a crap about has intrest in. not just oh btw here is our childs report card. thats is one sides parenting. if it was the NCP you better believe i would hav a caopy of it or at least ask "when are they comming out, so i can get a copy"
All I was saying is that, if you
already have some information regarding the kids and the
other parent asks for it, I think you should give it to them.
you know i was doing some reading, and seems alot of people are claiming the court system always sides with the mother giving custody to them. would any of you in your experience see something like happening in my case? i asked my lawyer and he told me i wouldn't lose sleep over it. but that is kind of vague. and i also read where judges give custody to the abusive parent simply ignoring the best interest in the child. I am the only stability our son knows and i have proved this with 15 declarations from school teachers to property managment companys to emplyment personell. I know i am a worries and scared father, but it's not for my ego, but for our sons well being i simply can not allow a judge to rule such a carless judgment if this goes all the way through. any experience here? california law by the law.
talked with my lawyer today, he informs me the mother that has been gone for the last two years has basically abandoned our child, and will have to explain herself in court. and i asked him my chances of keeping full custody and he told me the chance is very high. that made me feel better. my son and i are both seeing a councilor to keep our metal health throughout this. this is costing me, but is well worth it. and with the evidence i have should be a cut and dry case. i pray for this to be true for our baby boy, it's him i am worried about and there is nothing i will not do for his well being and safety in growing into a strong man in society and future father/husband himself.
well today went down like this. we saw another triage person. the ex got one day a week supervised visitation for 2 hrs by a third party she has to pay for. no other contact allowed unless i agree to it. mediation is set for next month, in that time they will have all the eye witness abuse amd instability issues about the mom. i asked my lawyer flat out. : do i have a good chance at keeping custody"? his reply was extremely. then i asked him do i have a good chance at sole physical custody his response was extremely. do lawyers shoot you straight on this kind of info or woulkd they be more of, you could but it's uncertain. his responce led me to believe this case is all but over. the triage lady tried to say eye witness declarations are hersay, my lawyer laughed and said oh no they are not, they are eye witness of accounts and acts that have happened. it seems like triage people like to throw out doubt in hopes of lets make a deal right now which i did not unless it was what i thought was best for our son. any thoughts on this?
oh by the way she got LESS than what they gave last time in triage, is there any meaning to this as well??
Absolutely. It mean, that although I understand your concern, that your attorney is right, the chances of Mom gaining any custody are EXTREMELY low. I know you won't take that sigh of relief until it's ordered, but your case is very very good for you maintaining custody. The courts are not going to give her less time and then make a huge change like giving her shared custody.
Does mom have a lawyer? What is she asking for at this point? You will have custody but mom will start earning her visitation back ..probably faster than you like. They gave her once a week access until court again and then they will negotiate it again plus hear part of the trial. Some trials take days (with weeks in between). It seems like your lawyer has people lined up plus you to testify and then she gets her side so this will not be done in one day (good for you..longer the better...).
Please try to Remember you HAVE custody now. If the courts gave her supervised they see something. Now the proof will come and she should have to jump through some hoops to get regular visitation.
mom wants joint cutody all the way around. which myself as my lawyer disagree and as he put it she abandoed our child. she abused him and it has been witnessed and declared and filed.
Mom is delusional. And if she has an atty., either she isn't paying attention to what they are telling her, she has failed to tell them her history, or they are delusional, too. She doesn't have a snowball's chance in he!! of getting joint............she'd be damn lucky to get an extra day of supervised visitation. JMO, of course.......
Remember this first and foremost: courts like to 'keep the status quo'.......and with not only you having primary custody all this time, but also her documented 'history', they will NOT want to change this. If anything, they wil want to move very slowly to increase BM's time and make her prove herself to the court. That is certainly one thing I would demand in court...sanctions against her if she screws up. Like if she fails to show for a certain number visitations, the time is decreased. If she attempts to abuse the child, she be charged and ALL visitation suspended until she proves to the court (classes, whatever they demand she take) she won't do it again.
The last resort would be termination of rights. It's obvious by her demands that she is in total denial of what she's done, so you practically have to hang something like this over her head to make her realize this is being taken seriously and she cannot screw up again.
I agree with Kitty!
Also, I would add, that if you can, request the supervised visitation read like 25 visits of supervisied visitation for 1 hour. Additional time cannot be requested until such time that (hername) has completed all 25 visits. (or whatever number).
Reason I say this is...alot of time they will write orders for supervised visitation and put it in terms of months, so the orders reads 3 months of supervised visitation. Problem with that is, alot of parents don't comply with the visits but after 3 months want to request more time.
Try to get your attorney to word it that she must complete all supervised visits before any additional visistation can be requested. If it takes her 5 years to complete 25 visits then so be it but the onus is all on her then to complete that number of visits before anything can be modified further.
my lawyer told me the two hrs one day a week is the bare minumum anything less is zero. this order is in effect until august. but we are fighting to keep it for alot longer than that. and NO over night visits what so ever. my lawyer said my chances of sole physical custody was extremely high. i trust him. he is also a sit in judge so im willing to bet he knows what he's doing, or at least i pray to god he does.
My bet is she is not telling her lawyer everything but it is not your job to her lawyer. It will be brought up and her lawyer will be slammed with the evidence and not have time to prepare to counter what you bring up. Our PB has been through 5 family lawyers and 2 criminal ones...Once they see her true colors they demand more money since it is not what she told them and she moves to the next one.
just to add to what i said before. after court. i asked my lawyer "should i allow her to have phone cals like the previous triage lady set out 3 times a week"? he said no, not at this time. would anyone guess why he would say no to this? is this is my my sons best interest right now? the last triage lady only gave her two hrs supervised visitation one time a week anything more was at my discretion. i am just trying to figure out every agngle of my lawyers case i trust him he's good and i know he is not only looking out for his client me but his client our son. I am feeling pretty goood about our case now but of course until it's said and done im always on edge and court is very intemidating. thank you
The tactical advantage of not going IN ADDITION TO what the triage temporary order states is that IF you agree to additional time (hone or in person) above the triage order, you are essetially renegotiating the terms of the temp order. That is an insult to the court, and makes you look like you really do not have serious concerns for the safety and mental health of the child. For example, if she is a danger, she is always a danger.
I agree with 4honor. Plus, if you are paying an attorney to represent you, you should follow his advice. At this point and time you should not be second guessing teh courts or the order.
Plus if she is a threat, she is a threat. (period)
I have witnessed several things go south in a telephone call, why go there if you do not have to...?
As always, good luck!
i simply ignored her phone calls and her text messages. i have been contacted by the supervisor of the visitations. any advice here? if visits go well does that go against my custody? im sure the mother will play mother of the year during her two hour visits. i asked the lady if she reports to the court she said only if something bad happens but also reports the over all visitations. sorry for my nervous questions, i am just very concerned for our son. as far as her calliing my lawyer called me and told me to not allow any and follow the court order which i have done and that is is my favor big time. according to my lawyer team i will will sole physical custody hands down but im sure you can understand my fears. thank you again.
Given what you've described so far, I would be amazed if she even showed up for the visitation. And even if she does and tries to put on a 'Mom of the Year' act, that won't wipe out all the history and abuse she's already committed. But why did the supervisor call you and what did she want? Just to let you know that the visitation is scheduled? No big deal.....all it means is that you have to make sure your child is present for it, regardless of whether she shows or not. Follow the order and do not deviate from it.
So how long is it until you go back to court and finalize this? All I can tell you is that if you've got weeks or months to go, you will drive yourself into a nervous breakdown if you can't stop obsessing about this. And what good would that do for your child? You MUST take care of yourself in order to take care of your child. Your child can see how the stress is affecting you, even if they can't tell you or understand why. The best thing you can do for your child right now is to enjoy your time together and try to relax and have fun together.
Above all else, do your best to shield your child from the stress of the situation. I know, easier said than done, but it can be done. Go to the park, find something you both enjoy to do and go do it! Back when I was dealing with custody issues when DS was very small, we'd go for drives just to see what we could see (northern CA) and our favorite that DS still remembers fondly is going to Dairy Queen and sharing an Oreo Blizzard. DS is 20 now, but he still talks about that.....because it was a great time to him and he loved it! Little did he know but that was all I could afford at the time and it was hugely stressful to me that I couldn't afford anything else and dealing with all the court issues. Regardless of what I went through, I will always be grateful that I was able to shield him from much of the stress and even manage to create a wonderful lasting memory of that time!
thank you kitty, and everyone for your support,
i am driving myself nuts like my drea friend tells me everyday, the sky is blue stop worrying. we go to mediation in july and court aug 10. the supervisor needs me to fill out some paperwork and give her a breakdown of my concerns. like i have a myspace message talking of suicide for one instanced, she would like to have that. she said all her job is to do is stay and listen to make sure the visit is healthy and goes as planned by the courts. the mother keeps texting me hounding me to call but the court order says one two hour vist a week only, and like my lawyer said "you follow that order". I can promis you she will play mom of the year she is an extrememly good liar, but 15 declarations of eyey witnesss testimony already at the mediators office should prove she has abused not only myself, but this beautiful baby boy which i call my best friend. My sister told me on the telephone stop it!!! celebrate the fact she less in triage now means you have won the custody it's just not ruber stamped yet. hard to do with you precious little ones future on the line. please excuse me for driving some of you people nuts, believe it or not you give me great support and your advice is very very reasurring to our case.
met with the person tht does the supervised visitations. she informed me what she documents holds a great deal of weight in court. good or bad. my thinking of supervised was just that supervised, to make sure your child is safe. my child is already in therapy, she also told me im wasting my money on a lawyer becase the outcome will be the same, and my 15 declarations of abuse the court will not consider since it came from family and friends alike. any advise to this?
Well....if it goes to trial they will ask her to be there or send a report on how visits went and should they be changed (increased or decreased).
The declarations...she is right. If it goes to trial, your lawyer should pick from your list the best choices to put on the stand to testify. So the court can hear what went on. Letters probably will go unread.
Did you get to show any evidence and talk in detail of your concerns to the supervising person? Sounds like they think they make the decisions, but just play her game. State facts that you can back up and let the visits happen.
It certainly sounds like the Supervisor is going to submit a report, so you might want to check with your counsel to see if you should be saying anything.
My initial concern is this: you meet with a person in a room that certainly is not as intimidating as sitting on the witness stand, and you think this person is working for you... you get emotional and things can go south in a hurry.
The Supervisor most likely is required to document your interactions as well as mom's, this would include your conversation with the Supervisor as well as her impression regarding your body language while you were talking to her. Add to that, she is going to document where your child was, and how you interacted while the child was around, not just you, but also around the Supervisor in your pressence, as well as how you acted or interacted with his mother.
It has been my experience that you don't have to help anyone other than your attorney see what a witch she might be, it is really what you are paying him/her for.
As Always, best wishes!
K
well yes the mother is having reports made, i get a copies of everything. i guess to shopw that our child visits okay with her could be the best they could hope for. she tried getting into details, like i stated but when i talked to my lawyer they told me her job is just to supervise the visit. she has no recommendation or insight for the court. the counselor we are seeing does and that is confidential. I did tell her my concerns from the past and expressed ijust want our child safe and for it to be ahappy time. when i told her crying just before a visit is over is not a happy time she tried to explain it's okay to do so. while the court triage agreed with me saying leaving out sad emotions on visits. that is a tactic in my opinion and the visits should be fun, safe and a happy time. the mother FAILED to call on one of her call nights which i documented and just as before there is our son right in the middle. the visitation lady did state there would be no way of her getting custody i', not sure why she said that, but then again i'm not sure why she told paying for a lawyer is a waste of money when i am trying to protect my child. also how can eye witness testimony be hearsay ot not allowed if by friends or a family memember? my lawyer disagreed again, and in fact sent all of the declarations to the mediator last week to give them plenty of time to read through them. She has yet to file any, while the only ones she could possible get would be a friend giving an opinion of what kind of mother she is, which if it's a good one is complete hogwash.
it's painful but i know there will be a visitation schedule set up, her responce to my filings were to give me sole physical custody with joint legal and a set visitation schedule. when i talked to her and she said she would take everyother weekend and half summmers nd then in a couple years try for 50/50. as my feelings are now i don't think 50/50 is a good option at all because we do not get along. if i get a judgement of sole physical how hard would it be for her to change it to say 50/50 later?
There is that possibility that the supervisor only said you don't need an atty. only because she also thinks it's an open-and-shut case. If she didn't elaborate on why she said that, all you have is speculation. So you either ask her point blank why she said it before or wait and see if she says it again and then ask her to clarify herself.
Also understand that if your son is sad or crying at the end of the visits, he may realize that he has no idea when he will see her next (given her penchant for not having continuity in his life) and that is what makes him sad. My DS flew UAM for 10 years for trips to see his dad in CA and he cried every time he left either one of us. The only thing that would have prevented that is for his dad and I to get back together and that wasn't happening! This is just something that comes with the territory when a child has to go back and forth between parents.
hi kitty,
let me reword, the crying is not done by our son its mom that does it which i think is unhealthy when you want to get re introduced to a 7 year old. and sombody that is supervising visitations really is not supposed to have any input in a case they know nothing about. Just to make sure the visit is a safe and healthy one. our son has a counselor as well as myself with credentials all i expect from a supervisor is a impartial supervisor keeping the visit a good one. my lawyer laughed when i told him she said her opinion holds weight in court. thanks again for the reply. and is sole physical custody hard to change?
Oh, well if it's BM doing the crying, that's a whole other ball game! Yes, it is unhealthy for your son, but you have to remember that you have absolutely NO control as to how people act. And yes, it is possible that it could go against her in court. Also remember that the supervisor's job is to observe and report. They can have no influence on the visitation unless absolutely required in an emergency (like a parent trying to abscond with the child or threatening physical harm). Otherwise, their job is just to sit there and watch...they can't tell BM that she shouldn't cry in front of her son, that's not their job and they aren't qualified to go there.
The supervisor's observations may have weight in court, depending on if the judge feels the interactions described by her are detrimental to the child. But that's the only way I could see that her statements would have any effect.
As for changing sole physical custody, one aspect the courts look seriously at is 'status quo'. They are VERY hesitant in making any radical changes to custody for the sake of the child and would prefer to maintain what the child is currently accustomed to. Which is why you have such an excellent chance of keeping the custody you currently have. As for changing it in the future (and given the BM's record and history), I think that it would come down to the BM proving to the court that she is capable of co-parenting her child. But that is a determination that only the court can make.
Just make sure that if the court is leaning towards allowing the BM more time, make DAMN sure that it is graduated over a long period of time. Another poster mentioned counting the number of visits, which I think is a much better idea than giving a range of time. I would also recommend she participate in counseling (and splitting the costs) and maybe even parenting classes. Bottom line: get stipulations in place that she has to follow in order to prove herself and work her way up. And sanctions against her if she screws up (loss of time, for example).
thank you Kitty,
my Lawyer says i have an excellent chance at sole physical custody or even sole custody for that matter. he said she has abandoned our son and over two years of no contact is the major ordeal. She has to prove herself stable, and mentally capable which is why he thinks this is an easy case. the mother seems to think getting old friends that do not know me or my son will help her case and will defend the eye witness testimony of neglect and abuse when she was in the picture. Do not forget i have digital telephone with the same number and she called two times in two years. i absolutely begged her to send him letters gifts, pictures just anything but she chose not too. and it the worst thing about this is after all this time she decides she is mom and trying to scare me into accepting joint custody and shared parenting.
I think i should fight to end for a long gradual step up program to graduate into a visitation schedule at the very best. any thoughts on this? please remember this woman was hospitalized for suicide before we were able to get away from the anguish and abuse. I feel so much for our son, i have not poisoned him and i fear she would do that very thing.
also note i have his school teachers declaration and is willing to take the stand on his progress which was "significant academically and socially progress", and said i was at every school function and a great father. his report card is great, he is so stable i can't help but have fear for our son loosing his progress. This is why i appreciate all your support, believe it or not it helps me stay strong.
I completely agree with a graduated step-up program, and given her history, hopefully make that stretch out over a couple years, BUT still base it on number of visits. One other thing I would strongly recommend: she get periodic psych. evals. and if she fails to do so, visitation is suspended until she does it and gets a good report (follows all recommendations). AND she has to pay for it all herself. One way or another, force her into proving herself worthy to be a parent.
She will pitch a fit and might refuse to agree to this, but your back-up is if she's so intent on sharing custody, it would seem obvious to you that she would want to do everything possible (given her history) to be a good parent. Puts her on the spot and will tell you a lot as to how serious she really is. If she adamantly refuses, it's highly likely she will agree to maintain the supervised visits. Also make sure it is known that your position will not waiver on this, not now or in the future. Five years from now if she tries this again, the stipulations should still be the same.
Throw the ball back into her court........if she truly wants to do this, this is how she proves it and if she's serious, she'll agree. If you get nothing but flak, then you'll know where she's coming from.
Just my 2 cents worth......
thank you Kitty, you have ALOT of knowledge. would you or anyone happen to have experienc in mediation in california? I know i will stay firm on what i believe is in our sons best intrest but i want to know what im facing. I am ready to fight to the end, and even the mothers foster parents are willing to testify and wrote declarations on her anger problems and refusing to ever deal with it.
also anotherupdate. the mother has failed to call twice now in the last week on her scheduled call days. it's documented but i sure hope you can understand how serious she is in building a relationship with our child. gosh i am just stunned she is showing herself so fast. her big thing is trying to get ME, all of this has absolutley nothing to do with our precious little boy. he can count on daddy though, i will stand up and fight for his right of stability and continuity. TO THE END!!!
Quote from: grtdaddy on May 24, 2009, 08:57:47 PM
i will do that very thing. Do you think she will get joint legal custody? shoyuld i hire an attorney at this point? can i hire one after filing these papers?
If I were you, I would hire an attorney. This is one case that you don't want any mistakes made on.
oh i hired one, right after i filed.
You're absolutely right..........it is ALL about getting to you, because she can't see past that to realize that SHE has to prove herself in order to get more visitation. Otherwise, she would be stepping up to the plate and is obviously isn't.
Mediation in CA...........we went through that back in 1993-95. The first mediator we had was absolutely worthless and it was a guy. He was of no help whatsoever and gave the impression he was only there to do his time and get a paycheck. It didn't solve anything or give us an incentive to work together....at least not effectively. The second time was on an emergency basis.....LONG story, but we'd moved to IA (my home state), but DS's dad absconded with DS back to CA 5 months later. Over the next 6 weeks, I flew there 3 times and we were in emergency mediation the afternoon before the hearing for the temp. order. DS was only 4 at the time and hadn't seen me for a while, so the mediator got a good show when he ran to me and wrapped himself around me, refusing to let go. She had to get another social worker to take DS to another room across the hall while the mediator interviewed me...otherwise he would have pitched a screaming fit.
Long story short, the report on the judge's desk the next morning was handwritten, as she hadn't even had time to type it up. She also called it like she saw it.....that DS was suffering from severe separation anxiety caused from father taking him away so abruptly and that the mother (me) appeared to be more willing to work through issues and come up with workable plans than the father, whom she said appeared to not realize what the impact of the situation was having on his son and more intent on getting his way than trying to make things work.
Basically, it's a crap shoot.........don't be too quick to judge, but feel out the situation before deciding what the mediator is like. Be honest, have a plan, and emphasize your son at all times and you should be fine. But if you feel that the mediator isn't listening to you or seems to be 'conflicted', ask to speak to his/her supervisor or request another mediator to be assigned. If they ask why, tell them you feel that your child would be better served if the parents can work with someone who is more willing to work equally with them, which is the truth.
Best of luck and let us know how it turns out.......
i have a appointment with my lawyer again tomorrow. i have a lost of questions this time and i plan to write his answers down. i also paid for just answer family law from real lawyers and according to my case, i should get sole custody quite easily. that made me feel better i will sleep tonight better at least. the mom made her phone call at 6:58 pm tonight nearly missing a 3rd ordered call in the past week. it's quite clear her intrest is not in our son. I think that hurts me more than the court proceedings. no matter what the mediator reccomends, if it isnt sole custody i am fighting to the end for the judge to make the final order. at least one day on my death bed i can honesly tell my son i did and will always do anything for your well being long after i leave this world. i love him so much!!!!!
grtdaddy you should be so proud of yourself for stepping up to the plate and doing what you need to for your son. I am the guardian of 2 little boys that I am fighting for also. There are just some ppl out there that just aren't made to be a mom or dad, you however have shown with your integrity that you are an awesome father and are willing to be an unconditional father. Keep your chin up and know that you are doing a great job with protecting your little guy and he will some day when he gets older really know how awesome you are...
Shanni thank you,
i appreciate your praise. all i am doing is what any parent should do and that is be one. she has missed 2 calls in one week, nearly missed last night by calling at 6 58 pm when her call time is 6-7 pm. if it was me i would be calling at 6:01 pm but hey that's just me. no matter what the mediator does if i don't get sole custody we are going to trial, and i will take it to the end i have found the strength in me to do this. do i worry? absolutley, i fear gender biased as one issue and perhaps my largest concern. but i also fear the court system will not do what is in our sons best interest. we will see. every lawyer i talk to says i should win sole custody absolutley but until the judge says it i'm a semi wreck, she wins on that aspect. her whole point was to turn my world upside down, make things hard for me at my job etc, but i won't give in i am this childs shield and will take every bullet for him,
Love Daddy
i got the letter from the "visitation" provider which out down twp incidents involving me.
#1 i allowed child to see mother without supervision. .....truth is son asked to say goodbye to mom one more time which the door is maybe 15 ft way wide open, he walked to the door and said "by mom"
#2 father undermined supervisor by saying it was okay for son to say goodbye to mom again..... huh? this lady is gone not only has she been trying to give me legal advise, but took our son to a bowling alley full of people drinking, and bowled. i ask who was supervising while she was bowling? she will not be allowed another session and this time i will be picking who is doing the supervised visits. my lawyer tried calling her because he was upset about the things she says to me as far as legal advise goes, her response when i asked if she talked to him was, i dont talk to lawyers. thre is a big list of legal advise she has givin me, which is documented along with her letter, i also want to file a grivence against this person as stated by other supervisors she way over stepped her boundry. and i feel is gender biased and taking sides period.
Quote from: Kitty C. on Jun 16, 2009, 09:16:54 AM
Mom is delusional. And if she has an atty., either she isn't paying attention to what they are telling her, she has failed to tell them her history, or they are delusional, too. She doesn't have a snowball's chance in he!! of getting joint............she'd be damn lucky to get an extra day of supervised visitation. JMO, of course.......
Remember this first and foremost: courts like to 'keep the status quo'.......and with not only you having primary custody all this time, but also her documented 'history', they will NOT want to change this. If anything, they wil want to move very slowly to increase BM's time and make her prove herself to the court. That is certainly one thing I would demand in court...sanctions against her if she screws up. Like if she fails to show for a certain number visitations, the time is decreased. If she attempts to abuse the child, she be charged and ALL visitation suspended until she proves to the court (classes, whatever they demand she take) she won't do it again.
The last resort would be termination of rights. It's obvious by her demands that she is in total denial of what she's done, so you practically have to hang something like this over her head to make her realize this is being taken seriously and she cannot screw up again.
now mom has changed to trying for custody, she is shooting for the moon. no way this will happen!!!!everything i read on California law says the courts keep status quo, stability and continuity of environment, what was it? oh yes paramount. she's trying to play hard ball after being absent for two years. Only thing she wants to do is drain my wallat, this kind of situation should be required to be a speedy trial. But i wil take it to the end, this child is not going anywhere. oh yeah mediation is this week, i wont tip my hand but i think you are right. she has a snowballs chance in he!! in getting any kind of custody, what the real issue is a parenting plan that is in our childs best intrest. which i will fight for it to be very slow. heck she doesn't even have a job or her own home, where is she comming from???
Don't waste your time or stress out trying to figure her out.........there's NO way to understand people like her who live in denial and delusion. You will just end up chasing your tail in circles if you try to understand where she's coming from.
As an aside, it would be interesting to know just who she has representing her (and how she's paying for it!)........and do they realize just how whacked she is???
This is sounding like a 3 ring circus on BM's part........so I do suggest that when you go to mediation this week, bite your tongue or do whatever it takes to keep from laughing out loud when she makes her ridiculous demands, gives her flimsy excuses, or any other indication that she is truly the space cadet she is........I know it will be difficult, but TRY! Remember...'poker face'.
(tongue in cheek!) (http://www.deltabravo.net/forum/Smileys/default/wink.gif)
meditation was today, mediator said joint legal custody, and sole physical custody to dad. with a step up visitation schedule, that in the end is rotating holidays and every other weekend order. and if she is serious about being involved i think this will be a fair order. she has to make 80% of all visits or she will get less time. The mediator already had her decision before we even got there to be honest, although BM declaration was full of lies and contradictions that if it was to go to trial would have been shredded apart. I didn't sign anything until after the lawyer looks the order over very well. but this is a good glimpse of what will be, and you all were right, noway she was getting Physical custody. i sure will sleep better now, and maybe i can have some money again.
WoooooHoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! Mediator had her pegged before she even got a chance to sit down! I knew it! 'she has to make 80% of all visits or she will get less time'........keep CLOSE track of this and ask for a f/u hearing after a period of time, to show to the court whether she's been complying or not. Maybe 6 months to a year. Remember that joint legal only applies to any non-emergent decisions that have to be made regarding the child. And when you're looking at extra-curricular activities, be prepared to foot the entire bill, unless she willingly coughs up a portion of it.
Keep in touch and let us know how the final agreement goes. Obviously the mediator took the wind out of her sails and she won't try this again anytime soon........we hope.
i will still be here, don't you worry about that. I got alot of information here and very thankful. This will be the final order if we both sign it at our next court date. But i dont see a judge changing this if she would to not agree, in fact i think she may not like the outcome. I didn't even draw my guns yet, and it's nice to not have to quite honestly. I never wish bad things to people but i would and will fight for my sons best intrest. Now i believe the "Status Quo" will make any changes to this order very difficult to change.