SPARC Forums

Main Forums => Visitation Issues => Topic started by: Superdottie on Jun 15, 2009, 08:37:47 PM

Title: If a parent moves away, do they do more driving??
Post by: Superdottie on Jun 15, 2009, 08:37:47 PM
My DH's ex lives about 12 miles from us now and is moving about 50 miles away - back to where she lived 2 years ago.

BM is insisting the driving be split in half.  They've been sharing the driving since BM moved the 12 miles from us (2 years ago).  Prior to that DH did all the driving (no order and BM refused, "you wanna see your kids, you have to come get them - blah, blah..."). 

Logic tells me that the parent who moves, drives.  Or does most of it.  Is that how the courts usually see it?   
Title: Re: If a parent moves away, do they do more driving??
Post by: 4honor on Jun 15, 2009, 08:59:56 PM
You are talking 19 more miles. And usually the parent who moves SHOULD be responsible for it... although, you need to go by the last court order.

Whan usually happens is that if you want the child, you will go and get them, and let the other parent come at the end of your time. The other parent will just refuse to meet you or to bring the children and .. are you really going to miss your time becuase of thier actions?
Title: Re: If a parent moves away, do they do more driving??
Post by: gemini3 on Jun 16, 2009, 05:34:21 AM
Most judges feel that transportation is a shared responsibility, and that the person getting the child picks them up.  So your husband would pick up at the start of his time, and vice-versa.  Sometimes if the move is an long distance you can ask that the CP pay for all or part of the transportation costs, but I don't think that applies in your situation.
Title: Re: If a parent moves away, do they do more driving??
Post by: MixedBag on Jun 16, 2009, 07:02:46 AM
Superlong distance here -- and several divorces, and several answers.
 
Distance is mainly due to military careers that took us all over the country, SO, while the military career was or is by choice, I tend to lean that it came with the territory.
 
50 miles is nothing.  Try 12 hours one way, or 24 hours one way, and even 3 days one way.
 
Pick and choose...
 
IMHO, I agree with the other two.
 
What does the current order say?
 
If nothing, dad should pick them up, and mom retrieve.
 
And maybe over time, mom will realize meeting at some half way point might work better.
 
NOW.....let me add the positive side to being responsible for pick ups.  Dad will have control about everything running ON TIME because I'm sure he'll be punctual for pick ups.  Where as half way exchanges require both parties to put a priority on punctuality.
 
 
Title: Re: If a parent moves away, do they do more driving??
Post by: Kitty C. on Jun 16, 2009, 08:47:42 AM
I agree.....there is an unwritten understanding that 'he who wants, fetches.'  So if you pick up the child for your parenting time, she will need to pick up at the end.  If she refuses, well then I guess you will keep the child longer.  But if each parent does their own pick-up, then the transportation is evenly divided.  It doesn't sound like there is anything in your order that stipulates who is to do what in regards to transportation, so this looks like the simplest solution.  But if the BM pitches a fit, tell her she will have to take it up with the courts if she can't compromise on an agreement with you.  Throw the ball in her court and make her responsible for her actions, instead of her trying to force her responsibilities on to you.
Title: Re: If a parent moves away, do they do more driving??
Post by: olanna on Jun 16, 2009, 01:20:50 PM
I think this is one area where I really feel differently than most on this board.  When my ex and I split up, I stayed in the town, (matter of fact, still live in the same town), and he chose to move out of this town to one about 25 minutes away.  I was already playing full time taxi service, getting him back and forth to daycare and other activities.  I refused to do any extra driving, stating that so long as he decided to move to another town, he could do the driving.  I did offer him a complete 50/50 deal, no CS, and split costs if he would move back to town where we were located.  He wasn't interested in 50/50, as he wanted to stay near the girl he was dating.
 
It's ten years later, he is remarried and they have a place that is an hour away.  I still refuse to do any additional driving.  And my same offer stands. 
 
His father and I get along quite well.  He understands that he was the one that made the choice to move away.
 
Title: Re: If a parent moves away, do they do more driving??
Post by: luv8tir on Jun 16, 2009, 02:11:19 PM
In my DH's court order he is responsible for pick ups and drop offs, but if BM's county of residence changes then BM is responsible for pick ups at our residence at the end of DH's parenting time.
Title: Re: If a parent moves away, do they do more driving??
Post by: Superdottie on Jun 16, 2009, 07:07:12 PM
Olanna, I wish my DH's ex would acknowledge since she's the one moving she should take responsibility for a majority of the driving!  It's like talking to a wall.  The only time in the last seven years she's agreed to do ANY driving is when she moved close to us.  And then she found an apartment across the street from the meeting point. 
 
I realize 50 miles isn't a lot to most, but it's going increase the travel time (one way) more than four times.  We're going from 10-15 minutes to over an hour one way. 
 
The order does currently have pick up/drop off points.  But BM does not want to follow them because it would mean more driving for her once she moves.   

Title: Re: If a parent moves away, do they do more driving??
Post by: ocean on Jun 16, 2009, 08:37:14 PM
Stick to the order...up to her to change order but be prepared for her not to be there. Then you would need to file a police report for her not showing up and file contempt charges against her. Once you do it one time, she can say they agreed to whatever...better to get it done in writing so it wont be an issue every week.
Title: Re: If a parent moves away, do they do more driving??
Post by: MixedBag on Jun 16, 2009, 08:46:08 PM
stick to the order -- I'll second that since you came back and said the order has a meeting place.

And be prepared to go all the way to pick up if mom doesn't meet you there.

What I would do is save the receipts for the additional cost of retrieving the child -- like fill up at the closest gas station, do the drive, and then fill up at the meeting point to show the cost now associated to dad when it should be moms.

Do this for a few times, and maybe she'll get the point.  And if not, dad may have to file to get it clarified and get reimbursed for his additional cost to retrieve.

And nope, don't take her back to anything other than what the court order says -- meeting point.

It does help that your current order already addresses this.
 
Let me add this.  Check to see what your state's laws are regarding moves and stuff.  See, I last time I heard/learned in class, AL said that a parent can move within 100 miles and doesn't need the other parent to approve.  And that applied to BOTH parents -- whether custodial or non-custodial.  Once the 100 miles was exceeded, THEN it became a bigger matter.
 
 
Title: Re: If a parent moves away, do they do more driving??
Post by: Superdottie on Jun 18, 2009, 11:39:55 AM
The divorce does not address parents moving within the state.  I like the distance idea.  She could move hundreds of miles away and still be in compliance because she's still in the state.  Luckily she's not doing that and I don't think she would.  She needs people she knows around her to help her out of jams. 

Becuase of the distance of the move DH and ex have to rework the entire parenting plan.  It's too far for the girls to do a midweek overnight.  The commute is through rush hour traffic in a major city.  So with that comes the 'who's going to drive when' conversation (or more like fight).  We plan to stick to the order unless a FAIR agreement is made.  I'm sure it's hard for BM to do more driving, but no one asked her to move!  She's not doing it for a job, she's not doing it for the good of her kids, she's doing it to be closer to her friends.  No bother that you're uprooting two girls (AGAIN) that struggle in school and one has a very hard time making friends. 
Title: Re: If a parent moves away, do they do more driving??
Post by: olanna on Jun 18, 2009, 04:51:12 PM
I specifically had moving out of our county of residence addressed, as my ex was talking about moving to KY.  The mediator agreed that the non-custodial parent would pick up at the daycare on Fridays and drop him off at child care on Monday.  (It was during the early time of our separation and divorce, and my ex was making exchanges difficult in front of our son).  I wanted out of the equation, as I really had nothing to do with the exchange or the parenting time, it was his time.
 
It worked.  I would recommend it for anyone with a difficult exchange time.  And it continued long after the dust settled and we were able to co-parent our son successfully.
 
Follow your current order, as the others have suggested.
 
:)
Title: Re: If a parent moves away, do they do more driving??
Post by: ksmarks on Jun 18, 2009, 04:56:00 PM
If you have an order follow it, you have already paid for it.  Let the ex petition of a change.
 
 Good luck and try not to let this consume you all!