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Main Forums => Visitation Issues => Topic started by: Yomont on Jun 19, 2009, 02:17:32 AM

Title: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: Yomont on Jun 19, 2009, 02:17:32 AM
I am a father currently living in Las Vegas and my 11 year old daughter lives in Colorado Springs CO. I only get to see her about 3 weeks a year, which is definitely not enough time. Her mother and I are divorced and have a child support agreement of $700.00 a month already in place to which I have been paying for about 5 years without missing a penny.

My question is I have been thinking of filing for visitation but am not sure what to do.
   Do I file here or in CO?
   If I want to file to have her all summer school break and every other holiday, is that possible?
   What are the chances that I get what I want?
   Maybe some insight as to how the process works would also be helpful.
   
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: *iLUVmySD* on Jun 19, 2009, 08:17:59 AM
Is there a custody/visitation order in place already?  If so, you would file to modify visitation in the same court that issued that order.
If your ex is agreeable to letting you have more time then that would definitely make it easier.
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: Yomont on Jun 19, 2009, 12:31:52 PM
There is or never was a custody/visitation order in place as we tried to do it on our own.
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: ksmarks on Jun 19, 2009, 12:37:04 PM
Would she be agreeable to changing the terms of your previous agreement?  I preferred working thinigs out with my ex, rather than involve attorney's and Law Guardian's.


Is the support ordered?

Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: Yomont on Jun 20, 2009, 03:33:28 AM
Support is ordered @ $700 monthly which I have paid every penny of for the last 5 years.

Here in lies the problem. We talk and always seem to agree on the time frame of when she can come out and for ow long. Then when it gets close something always seems to come up and she states I can't have my daughter come out for 6 weeks but 2 weeks instead. I have always played nice but this is too unfair. Every time it's something. To the point I did not see my daughter for 2 years up until the 28th of may and she went home this past Thurs. 3 weeks in 2 years is ridiculous.

I spoke to the ex and told her next summer I want my daughter for the whole summer. To which she says "You can't call me just like that and tell me that you want her for the whole summer". I said I am giving you a year and I am not calling just like that You have a year.

So I know at the last minute something will arise and I will only get my daughter for the minimal at best.

I need visitation to be court ordered.
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: MixedBag on Jun 20, 2009, 05:42:09 AM
Does your order say "reasonable" parenting time?

If it doesn't even say that....file a "Motion for Clarificaton" and tell the court that the lack of outlined parenting time causes conflict every single time you ask to have the child spend time with you.

Who moved away from the area where the two of you were to have the child?

Lots of things can happen in court -- to where you may even get ordered to spend all of the time with your child in your child's area (worst case scenario), or you'll get standard long distance time etc.

File the paperwork and then maybe she'll start talking.

And be nice -- you'll make more progress.  Keep it totally business like.
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: ocean on Jun 20, 2009, 05:49:07 AM
You need to file for visitation. Do it now because it will take months to get in settled. You should be getting most school vacations and 4-6 weeks in the summer. Look on this site, there are many parenting plans. You need to make it detailed so mom cant waiver from them.
ex.
On  odd years, child will fly/picked up on Dec 26 and return Jan 1 (with times if possible or how a flight would work). In even years, father will have child from the day school lets out to Dec 31 (you get Christmas).

Summer visit will June 15 at 12pm (or morning flight) to July 31st at 12pm. If it is 6 weeks this gives mom her own vacation time to take child somewhere.

If you are flying child, who pays? oR gas? You can get a child support credit for travel costs if you go get child.
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: MomofTwo on Jun 20, 2009, 06:56:57 AM
Ocean gave you great advice.  It is not reasonable for you to expect the entire summer as Mom is entitled to vacation time as well.  Typically 4-6 weeks in the summer plus rotate holidays depending on odd/even years.

Who moved away and caused the distance? That is typically who is responsible for all tranportation costs and if you caused the distance, then a child support reduction may not be granted. Additionally, when the distance was created there was no adjustment of support or transportation costs allocated, so it may not be granted now.

So you are aware, support and visitation have nothing to do with each other. You paying the support does not give you visitation.
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: Davy on Jun 20, 2009, 09:43:02 AM
I couldn't disagree more with momofftoo OF COURSE.  What you have been presented with is a continuance of THEIR status quo where a child is disenfranchised from her father with substaintial financal reward to the mother who remains unaccountable to anybody anywhere. Beautiful for their self-centered abusive power base.

In essence, considering the mother's deplorable behavior over a long time period along with your honorable behavior you may want to consider a custodial change in order to bring about a healthy balance in the child's life.  You are real important to the child.

At very least, a lucrative court-ordered access for the child beyond their defined standards would be most proper along with a substantial reduction in the mother's welfare entitlement.

Play nice like MB suggested but be softly direct and always focus your thoughts and words on the child...not the mother or yourself ( ie "child has only had access to her father for 3 weeks over a two year period").  Take a stand and your child will benefit.  Things are no longer mommy-dearest ego or manipulations.

Best to ya and your daughter. 
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: MixedBag on Jun 20, 2009, 10:07:37 AM
and take note of how Davy said his example:

Quote( ie "child has only had access to her father for 3 weeks over a two year period").  [/unquote]

notice how he said the CHILD has only had access

as opposed to

The Father has only had access to his child for 3 weeks over a 2 year period.

Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: MomofTwo on Jun 20, 2009, 12:33:07 PM
I was strictly speaking from a LEGAL perspective.  A court order for child support has nothing to do with his right to parenting time.  In 5 years he never pursued any type of parenting time.  He accepted three weeks a year.  Hmm, seems just as deplorable.  How do you get off blaming Mom ? Poster never said who moved. What if it was in fact him who caused the distance and moved from his child and thus the rather low involvement in his child's life.   Yes, it is the child's time with her father, but it is the father who has to seek the time.  The child is the ojbect of a visitation schedule, but they are not the ones who have to pursue it.  That would be up to the "parent."   
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: Davy on Jun 20, 2009, 06:27:27 PM
In the beginning, I poured thru 100's apon 100's of LEGAL statues and found absolutely nothing stating mothers should primarily receive custody of children along with an economic entitlement mostly without an examination of the parents.

I know good fathers that have not seen their children for 30 - 35 years ... they relocated across the country in hopes of having a relationship with their now adult children.  I have not seen my daughter in 26 years that she was not in crisis or turmoil.

Please find one excuse or reason for these situations.  They don't exist.


Momofftoo, can you please reach deep, find a little human decency and stop trying to manipulatie these boards with your pent up liberalism.  You're only hurting children.

Maybe you should start advocating and practicing 50/50 with no financial gain on your part.

Make that LEGAL.
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: MomofTwo on Jun 21, 2009, 05:38:28 AM
Davy,
I almost feel sorry for you...almost.

How you take one person's posts and questions and try to make it about the status of custodial decisions across the nation, I am not sure.   When I reply to somoene, I am not replying about custody for everyone else, I am replying based on their question. I don't use this forum as my personal soap box for everything that is wrong.   How you take a post where the poster never says who created the decision and slam the mother (and you do this constantly),  I am not sure.  Pent up liberalism, no.  My only point is you really should stop criticizing mothers when you nor I nor anyone else reading the post was given any facts about who created the distance from his child.   How am I hurting children in responding that there is a sitatuation that we have no background on.  Background on who created distance is relevent and be realistic 50/50 is impossible when you don't even reside in the same area.  I don't care that many parents move to be near their child, I think they should, I was only answering THIS poster.
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: olanna on Jun 21, 2009, 10:55:50 AM
Quote from: Davy on Jun 20, 2009, 06:27:27 PM
... I have not seen my daughter in 26 years that she was not in crisis or turmoil....


And this is the mother's fault? 
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: Raisin_3 on Jun 21, 2009, 12:32:53 PM
Quote from: MomofTwo on Jun 20, 2009, 06:56:57 AM
Ocean gave you great advice.  It is not reasonable for you to expect the entire summer as Mom is entitled to vacation time as well.  Typically 4-6 weeks in the summer plus rotate holidays depending on odd/even years.


Back when we had a visitation order my ds had to spend the whole summer with bm and she didn't want the whole summer, he didn't want to go the whole summer and we didn't want to send him the whole summer.  Guess that was how it goes though. 
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: Davy on Jun 21, 2009, 12:45:46 PM
olanna .... YES but why would you ask ?  She told her brother several years ago after years of counseling (I was not involved of course) that what has happened to her was done intentionally and on purpose in order to control her.  She's an RN and she's not stupid ...two children of her own.
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: Davy on Jun 21, 2009, 01:03:28 PM
Momofftoo consistenly makes comments that do no make sense.

Let's please get back to the OP situation where the child has not had access to her father except for three weeks over a two year period.  Sad.  No civilized society should tolerate this human condition and that's why I sighted other examples ... one  man retired when he was 73 yrs old and relocated in hopes of having a relationship with his now grown daughters ... a relationship he wasn't allowed when the girls were growing up (all in the same community).  His hurt and pain is too deep to speak about it .... his wife explained. 

Please help if you can.
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: MomofTwo on Jun 21, 2009, 02:06:24 PM
Davy,
Like everyone does, he has had access to the court system. If at any time prior to now he was dissatisfied with only seeing his child 3 weeks in two years, he should have filed for visitation.  How is him not pursuing a more balanced schedule the CP's fault?? And I put it in terms of him having access to his child because it is not up to the child to initiate anything to see her father.  In a utopian world, everyone would play nice and share access and do everything they are supposed to do, but it's not perfect and that is why everyone has access to the courts.

Please please show me where poster said he filed for more visitation, please show me where poster said CP created the distance and therefore the lack of shared parenting.  Please explain how this is the CP fault. 

Stop bringing up stories that have absolutely no relevance at all to what posters are seeking specific help with. 

Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: Kitty C. on Jun 21, 2009, 03:32:02 PM
MomofTwo stated:  'It is not reasonable for you to expect the entire summer as Mom is entitled to vacation time as well.  Typically 4-6 weeks in the summer plus rotate holidays depending on odd/even years.'

I beg to differ.  In a LD agreement, entire summer parenting time can be common and that is exactly what we had for almost 10 years.  From the time DS was 5 y.o. until he was 14, he spent all but 2 weeks of summer with his dad in CA.  He left one week after school was out and came back one week before school started.  Since the agreement was made in CA and suggested by the court, I assumed at that time that this was a standard LD schedule in that state.  And given that DS only got to spend every other Christmas with his dad, other than the summer time (only because neither I or Dad could afford any more trans. costs beyond that and DS had no other extended time off from school), this still was never enough time for DS to spend with his dad.  And Dad was the one who moved away, BTW.

I never got to spend 4th of July with him or take him on vacations until after he was 14..........but that was inconsequential compared the the minimal amount of time DS had his dad in his life.  Thank God he could spend all summer there, because in his 13th year, his dad died of cancer while DS was spending the summer there.  I would have never been able to forgive myself if I had selfishly demanded that DS spend part of the summer with me.....
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: Davy on Jun 21, 2009, 04:59:07 PM
Momofftoo...OP clearly states that he has been trying to reach agreements outside of the court room.  And continues that he (and therefore his daughter) gets jerked around all the time and ends with he needs to get court-ordered visitation.  How much more clear could he be. ???  All the other conditions you PLACED on him in your self-centered infinite wisdom.   

Unlike you, some parents do not believe their children should be up for sale and a court should decide when, where, and how often a child has access to a parent especially when children are not part of the decision process.   In other words, to some of us, there is no love lost with a system that is one-side and substantially broken ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO THE WELFARE OF CHILDREN..

The few examples I bring forward are pertinant to the poster and to let him know he's not alone.  How very sad is that.  He must get lucrative access NOW.  It is best for all concerned.   He should also know her behavior is the exception rather that the rule.

And one other thing, my kids mother did not seek a visitation order but I took them out of state to see her numerous times.  They made the arrangements with her (at my urging) and it was still frought with turmoil.  The very few times she came here ( except when she was able to kidnap ys from his school) she was always included in all events, dinner invites, etc (also at my urging) same turmoil and embarrassment to them.
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: MomofTwo on Jun 22, 2009, 04:50:15 AM
Davy,
Again with the presumptions.  I simply asked who created the distance between the poster and the child.  I did not place anything on anyone.  It is relevant who created the distance and you know it, rather, you should know that.   Poster said THEY tried to work things out between themselves.  When he was unsatisfied with the way things occured, he had remedies to fix it.

I personally don't care about your infinite wisdom and what you have done for your children but don't be preumptuous about me and my take on things.  Children up for sale because of child support, I won't even go there, but from my standpoint, I don't get child support.  I have solely raised my children, financially and from an every day standpoint. Their "father" chose to divorce them when he divorced me. I was the one who filed for his visitation, because he didn't want any. I hoped by having it he would try to see them, wrong.  I was the one who called him constantly trying to keep him involved in his children's lives, something he CHOSE not to do and still chooses not to do.  I have two boys.  I think boys need a good male role model and their father in their life, he apparently doesn't think that way. He doesn't see them, doesn't ever even call them.  In 4 years he has called them 4 times. He doesn't acknowledge their birthdays or holidays.  I thank God every day I am educated and have a great job and that I can provide for my children by myself.  You condescending remarks (again, jeez, don't you ever get tired of being so negative) are unfounded.  You know nothing of me or my situation.  I have never pursued child support and have done everything I can do to make him a Dad, but the truth is, you can't make people do what you want.  But I wasn't doing it for him, I was doing it for my children. So, please Davy, in all of your infinite wisdom, tell me how to do that. Your take is that every man wants to be involved and see his children and take care of them, I have an entirely different perspective. Rather then actually see his children, he claims to be homeless so he can tell the courts he can't take his children, yet has money to travel and go on lavish vacations and drive nice expensive cars.  You are so wise, tell me again how I think children are up for sale.
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: olanna on Jun 22, 2009, 08:17:40 AM
Quote from: Davy on Jun 21, 2009, 12:45:46 PM
olanna .... YES but why would you ask ?  She told her brother several years ago after years of counseling (I was not involved of course) that what has happened to her was done intentionally and on purpose in order to control her.  She's an RN and she's not stupid ...two children of her own.

Is the fact that she is successful, ie an RN, also her mother's fault?
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: Yomont on Jun 22, 2009, 02:00:26 PM
Sorry I have not replied recently as I have been busy with work.

In regards to who caused the seperation, I really don't see that as relevant to visitation but maybe I am confused.

In my case I was in an abusive relationship where my wife would physically hit me for the sole reason as she would put it "So I could hit her back, so she could call the cops and have me locked up". Here is the great part not once ever in the 7 years of the relationship did I ever raise my hand to her as I knew what she wanted. This stemmed from an abusive relationship she was in prior to our relationship, I guess I had to pay for someone else's injustice. Then one day after her arguing for 7 hours and phisically hitting me she decides to call the police and tell them I hit her when I never did. When the cops came she told them she made it up and I left the house. I came back a week later and told her she needs to leave as this is not healthy for my child, her or myself. She left from Vegas to NJ then settled in Colorado Springs.

I always tried to work it out amicablly with my ex-wife but she played nice until the last minute where she would come up with all kinds of excuses and I had to settle for the usual 3 weeks. Yes I should have fought for visitation rights but thought in the best intrest of the child it was better to try to play nice in the sandbox. Boy was I wrong. This is not about money as I do make over 90k a year and don't need to get child support back, this is about spending time with my daughter who I love and is important to me.

I appreciate all the advice I have recieved from each of you as it has been helpful and look foward to the continuing advice.
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: MomofTwo on Jun 22, 2009, 02:57:56 PM
Yomont,
I am sorry for what you have gone through. The reason who moved is relevant is because that person (the one that created the physical distance) can be held accountable financially for transportation costs for your parenting time.  Since she moved, you could petition for a reduction of child support to offset the transportation costs.  Since it was never petitioned for before, they may not give it to you, but you won't get it if you don't ask for it.
Where are your court orders out of...Las Vegas or Colorado? Wherever it is, you need to consult local counsel there and file for shared parenting time (ie, visitation, but that's not a good word.)  Typically a long distance shared parenting agreement is anywhere from 4-6 weeks in the summer (it can be up to almost the entire summer depending on what is done in that area and your previous parenting time), rotating holidays, you can ask for anytime she has a 3 day/long weekend from school to have her. 
You need to be painfully explicit in your agreement, what age child can fly unaccompanied minor, who pays for what costs, what airports can be used, .... the more specific you can be, the better off you will be in the long run. 
Maybe if Mom knows you are serious, she will start to work with you. Ideally that would happen, but if doesn't, you do have to pursue it through the courts. 
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: Davy on Jun 22, 2009, 06:40:36 PM
Olanna; First of all, if you want to jump ugly on Davy (especially about my daughter) will you please move your snide remarks to a new thread on the Father issue board since there is not a board relevant to seriously abused children.

Kimberly, as I will refer to her, chose an educational program and career, at a time when she was young and  in a long term recovery program away from her mother.   She went thru a demanding college nursing program (approx. 15 yrs ago) as a single mom with two babies all on her own at least with no help from family.  She has functioned as a shift supervisor, work in case management, etc.  She recently received credit for saving a life while off duty. She's seen life on multiple fronts you and I can only talk about. She's as tough as they come ...

... and she's still daddy's girl.   You are barking up the wrong tree.   
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: Yomont on Jun 22, 2009, 07:46:36 PM
Support payments ordered out of Colorado Springs.

So I will have to make contact or go to Colorado Springs in order to start the petition?
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: Davy on Jun 22, 2009, 11:26:48 PM
Yomont,  Thanks for posting about the support order.  I suspected that the only orders in your case was a support order and was probably administrative in nature ... no court appearances and a judge just signed a stack of papers. Likewise, there was not a custody determination by a court and visitation was left to agreement which has not worked.  Is that correct ?. 

The reason this is important is because the parties are in different states and the laws are different if both parties are located in the same area and there is a 6 month rule governing interstate custody proceedings.  It is usually better for you if you can file in your state ... the intertate issues are not an issue unless they are contested.   Of course, it is a detrement to you  if legal filings are in Colorado  which could cause you substantial missed work, travel costs, etc but the main issue is that fathers usually do not fair as well in out of state courts.

At this point If I were you in your circumstances  I would function as follows  (and I only post for your considerations)  : 

1)  Continue to focus on child
2)  all your speaking (attorneys, etc) should focus on childs lack of access to her father
3)  try not to talk negatively about the mother (except attorneys, etc or on this site)
4)  cut back on verbal communication attempting to obtain agreement for visitation this     summer.  Present a written agreement of what you want and demand a response by a certain date.  Only you know if it needs to be on attorney letter head.  Take "agreement" to your local court (competent to make custody decisions) for judge signature and file with court clerk.  Send signed copy to mother (no advance notice to avoid turmoil). Provides some credibility to agreement and may greatly help your cause in the future.  May wait to get child before you do this.  Or filing ex-parte (temporary orders; without notice). Adequate attorney can advise.
5)  consider keeping child longer than mother agrees...it would be understandable under the circumstances and there is no current court order.
6)  review information in the articles section of this site ... much info. presented and verified by experienced common folks over a long period of time
7) become comfortable interviewing and managing attorneys; hopefully those 100% behind the cause
8)  anticipate an increase in CS if your income has increase substantially since initial support award.  By the way, i admire your objectivity concerning CS.  I was the same way.
9)  be aware, with the mothers history of manipulation and and violence, lack of access to other parent...child may be in an abusive situation
10) IMHO, matters concerning reducing CS for transportation costs, etc are for final negotiations...you have bigger fish to fry at the present.   

Remember these points are for your consideration .  Other posters may want to add to or detract from these points.

   
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: olanna on Jun 23, 2009, 08:03:25 AM
Quote from: Davy on Jun 22, 2009, 06:40:36 PM
Olanna; First of all, if you want to jump ugly on Davy (especially about my daughter) will you please move your snide remarks to a new thread on the Father issue board since there is not a board relevant to seriously abused children.

... 

If you can dish it out Davy, you need to learn to take it.  Don't be so sensitve!

;)
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: Davy on Jun 23, 2009, 08:23:26 AM
Deleted by Board Moderator.
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: Davy on Jun 23, 2009, 08:47:21 AM
just what I thought !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: ksmarks on Jun 25, 2009, 03:03:02 PM
Yo:

check out  http://topics.law.cornell.edu/wex/table_family (http://topics.law.cornell.edu/wex/table_family)

they should address the issues that you have concern over...
 

Good Luck!

K
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: Davy on Jun 25, 2009, 09:05:41 PM
The statues are great for reference.  Thanks !At this particular moment (for summer visitation) and considering the specifics of the case to you have any input ?
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: ksmarks on Jun 26, 2009, 05:51:21 AM
Davy, I read that you are as joyful today as you are any other time, I was responding to the following when I posted the link:

"I have been thinking of filing for visitation but am not sure what to do.
   Do I file here or in CO?
   If I want to file to have her all summer school break and every other holiday, is that possible?
   What are the chances that I get what I want?
   Maybe some insight as to how the process works would also be helpful. "

On that note, if dad wants to know where and how, as well as a bit of legal commentary if would be a place to start. 

My advice would simply be to file, without reading the codes myself, I don't know which state has jurisdiction in this matter....

Good Luck and try to have a pleasent day!

K
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: Davy on Jun 26, 2009, 06:07:33 AM
Ksmarks;
The focus for the father is to have access to his child this summer.  We are here to help people with our knowledge and experience and others know the statues with real life experiences.  You're at the beginning ... some of us are at the end.  If you have questions or don't know  ... just ask ... please don't confuse or mislead people.

Besides, there is nothing wrong with me and you need to look in the mirror.

If you want to interpret the statues,  without knowing the specifics ot this case and you think the statues are the only remedy, you can start by reading the UCCJA for both states along with the PKPA.  Then read some case historys.  Several months from now you can always come back when you know what questions to ask.  This is good advice. 

Best to ya !!
Title: Re: Out of State Visitation questions-help
Post by: ksmarks on Jun 26, 2009, 06:23:41 AM
Davy,

Re- read reply four (4)- Dad clearly indicated that he had just completed the summer visitation for this year, and is concerned about next year. 

As previous posters have already given him at times sage and timely advice, I provided a link to the Legal Information Institute at Cornell Law School, which if you had bothered to investigate the site yourself you would have found that they offer free services as well as codes and commentary to those in need. 



And Davy, there is nothing wrong with being joyful....

Have a good one....