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Main Forums => General Issues => Topic started by: mistyme on Feb 21, 2011, 07:47:51 PM

Title: Looking for advise
Post by: mistyme on Feb 21, 2011, 07:47:51 PM
 
I am going to have our baby next month, I have absolutely no intentions of keeping the baby out of his life completely, but because of the mental abuse, physical abuse he put me through and the manipulation he continues to throw on me, it will take a while to trust him until the child can speak for himself when he comes home from seeing his dad.  Right now, all i care for is "supervised".  I absolutly can not 100% afford a lawyer so I will let the state child support take care of what they can.

Right now, I feel so smothered by him and I'm worried about what things will be like after the baby is born because he refuses to respect me.  He says that he's going to come and see the baby whenever he pleases at my house and can stay as long as he wants and if i ask him to leave he will just call the police.  I don't mind him "visiting" a few times a week, a few hours or what not a day, but if I would like him to leave, he needs to leave.  He can't understand that we aren't a family anymore.  He ruined all that.  I went into early labor last week and didn't tell him.  He yelled at me because i didn't tell him.  I told him that i will contact him when the baby arives and he can visit for a few hours in the hospital.  Again, he yells at me because he thinks I'm trying to keep him away from his son because I don't want him in the room when I give birth.  I'm sorry but again, that is a private moment to ME, it's my body I am giving birth not him.  He also says that if I don't move back in with him than he won't help out with the baby (aka give me things for the baby, he just keeps it all at his house and also threatens to take the baby too under NO grounds does he have that I am a bad unfit mother.) ... He has a son already of his own that he gets standard visitation and he just lets his son come over, sit in front of the TV, eat junk food.  His son never brushes his teeth the whole weekend, he won't change his sons clothes because he feels his mom should provide all the clothing and he goes home in the same clothes.  His son goes back and forth saying his dad hits him to his mom, but than he tells his dad that his mom hits him.  His son is 6 and weighs 105lbs, no one takes care of him.  Anyways this is just a SMALL explanation of why I do not TRUST him with my son on the way and why i want supervised visitation ...

It's just all of this and that and the fact he's manipulating me.  I'm so affraid he will get a lawyer and win 50/50 because he knows I can not afford it at all.  He won't help out with the baby, he yells at me because I won't let him be in the room when i give birth, he demands that he's going to be at my house all the time and i have no say so and he can come and go when he wants.  And because I won't move back in, he puts me down. If i tell him no to ANYTHING he thinks im trying to keep the baby away from him which I am not! if i wanted to, i would of taken off by now!

I never called the police for the physical abuse, but I do have 2 pictures i took where he hit me one night. would that be of any help?(http://www.deltabravo.net/forum/Smileys/default/undecided.gif)

(also this is an off side note, but i heard he was reported to the IRS for tax fraud. He claims 2 kids from mexico that aren't his and he doesn't know them ... he uses the money to his benefit and gives the family $500.  Reason why I am asking is because I heard the penalties for this can be harsh ... would that in anyway affect his "rights" as a father.  Just so if it happens, I guess i can be more educated about it?)
Title: Re: Looking for advise
Post by: ocean on Feb 21, 2011, 08:23:57 PM
Were you ever married to him? It does not sound like it so...

1. Change the locks on the door.
2. Use text/email for communication, let him rant on voicemail
3. You do not have to tell him when you are in delivery. It would be nice to allow him to see child in nursery BUT have the staff watch and say he is NOT to get a bracelet to allow him to walk around with baby or take baby from hospital. Maybe have him come at "parent" time so no one else is there for an hour and have the staff tell him that he needs to leave after an hour.
4. Police will tell him to leave your house and you can then ask for a restraining order. The first few weeks will be tough since you do not trust him and baby should not be out in public places. So offer him in writing specific days and times. Then go in bathroom with baby to give bath and tell him he needs to leave. Have someone else there to help him out.
5. After the 6 week mark, meet him at public places for him to see baby. Are his parents around? Maybe go over there?
6. File for child support and visitation plan BUT he probably will get unsupervised. You can ask that you both take a parenting class and infant cpr class. Look up your state and see what is recommended for infant visitation, every state is different,

Take care of yourself and worry about baby. A judge will not give him 50/50 right off and he will have to file and have a trial first which takes months to do.
Title: Re: Looking for advise
Post by: mistyme on Feb 23, 2011, 01:37:09 PM
Thank you :) all that really does help, I just wish I could have a peice of mind ... i'm worrying myself over stupid little things.  I hate being manipulated and in fear that he's going to try and take our son away.

Is it possible for him to get a lawyer and have one hired already even though he has no proof for that said lawyer that he's the father, ect.  I don't plan on putting him on the b/c till i get documentation that I am the custodial parent, being that he's threatened to take the baby and run off. Does the baby need to be born for him to get a lawyer?
Title: Re: Looking for advise
Post by: ocean on Feb 23, 2011, 02:19:26 PM
He can talk to some lawyers and have one ready but they can not file anything until the baby is born. He may have a lawyer call you to negotiate a deal for him to see baby in hospital and the first few weeks before a court date BUT you do not have to sign or do anything. Since you are not listing him as the father, he will first have to file paternity papers. Once the baby is confirmed his, then he can file for visitation. Same for you for child support. If you do not list him as father and have him sign the form in the hospital then you will have to have paternity in order to get child support. So that may slow things down.

Only you know him, but I can tell you that the laws are on the mothers side. As soon as the baby is born you are considered the ONLY legal parent until paternity is established through the courts. So you already have custody. Once it goes to court it will be up to the court to decide if you keep all custody or if it goes to Joint legal custody. Judges are just starting to give the 50/50 placement BUT ONLY when both parents can work together, both parents usually live near each other for school issues, and both parents push for it. He will not get 50/50 of a newborn and like I said before, it will take at least a month or so to get into court for paternity, then test ordered, then back into court (may get temporary parenting plan while you await trial), then if you dont agree, a trial...

In the meantime, get evidence for him to have supervised or maybe even ask him now to take a parenting class and cpr class before the baby is born. Is his ex (the other mother) involved? Save all texts/emails/voicemails (put voicemails to tape before you loose them).

Will he consider mediation? If you are really afraid and think a home-study and full evaluation would show the courts his true colors, then ask for that at trial. Sometimes the courts make you pay for it, if you ask for it but at least it gets done.
Title: Re: Looking for advise
Post by: gemini3 on Feb 23, 2011, 07:20:02 PM
The baby has to be born before he can do anything in court.
 
Have you considered going and getting a restraining order?  If he is threatening you, threatening to take the baby, etc, you really might want to consider that.  If you have phone messages that he's left you, or e-mails that he's sent you, that are threatening - go to the courthouse and get a restraining order. 
Title: Re: Looking for advise
Post by: mistyme on Mar 01, 2011, 12:11:29 PM
I didn't know if i should post a new topic on this but I have been concerned ...


Yes I plan to give the father visitation and I know this may sound selfish, but I do not want him visiting in the comfort of my own home.  I live with my mom and step dad ever since I moved out.  He expects me to let him in the door whenever he wants.  I don't want to be alone with him in the house, i'm too scared he's going to try and have sex with me or something.  I know him and I know how he is.  I would rather him have visitation time away from my house... but how do I do that without him "assuming" i am keeping him away from the baby?  Another reason why I don't want him in my house is because he is always asking me how my daughter is doing, buying her things and telling me how much he misses her and that he would love to have her spend time with him when the baby is born.  I'm sorry but that bothers me.  I ask him to please stop, he knows she doesn't like him and it makes me feel uncomfortable.  He has this thing about taking on kids and wanting kids to like him .... I don't know what to make of that ... but I don't want my daughter around him because she does not care for him and it's NOT my doing.  She's almost 5 and has a strange view point of him.  She has nothing nice to say about him.  All she tells people is he was mean to her mommy, he hit her mommy and he yells at her mommy so she does not like him. (please don't assume I encouraged this.  When we all lived together, she heard it all.  She knows he hit me because a couple nights before she saw the bruise on my arm and I told her he did, i wasn't going to lie.  That's when I left.) 

I don't know what to do, I don't want him to visit over at my house and since I mentioned I am going to be breast feeding, the baby is not going to be a lone or stay the night with him for a while, also because of his threats to take the baby.  Once child support court orders visitation and I have it documented that I am the CP, than he can take the baby a lone.  I'm just scared in the mean time.  I don't want him thinking im trying to keep the baby away ... im trying to make this peaceful.

What can I do though as far as him leaving my daughter alone? He doesn't seem to want to listen that he is not apart of her life anymore.  (and no he is not the father in case your wondering.)  And what the heck can i do to avoid being a lone with him, i'm seriously scared but how do i get anyone to listen?
Title: Re: Looking for advise
Post by: ocean on Mar 01, 2011, 04:10:57 PM
What can you do?
Ignore, Ignore, Ignore...

Stop taking phone calls and answering texts...again Ignore.

Like we said before, he has to take you to court so that is going to take some time, a few months. The judge will tell you to pump breast milk if that is what you are doing and baby can be fed with dad so do not count on that too much. If you do not need child support right away, have him file for paternity. Then you counter with child support and sole custody. The baby will be a few months old and no need for him to come to the house. Meet at a public place for exchanges or supervised visits. If you want, meet him at a mutual friend or his family house before court so he can meet baby.

Start going to see a counselor for you and have your daughter go too. When/If visits start to happen have your older child not be there, then he can not even see her. IF he tries to see her at school or any other way, file a restraining order.

You may want to see a lawyer now or a domestic violence worker and see what your options are...and what you need to prove.
Title: Re: Looking for advise
Post by: txmom702 on Mar 02, 2011, 09:25:11 AM
You've gotten some really good advice here.
To add to that, though, during that time, before you have a court order for visitation, Stay The Heck Away From Him.  Do not contact him at all, ignore anything he does to try to contact you.  Don't worry that you are keeping the baby away from him - he's obviously given you reason to fear letting him visit without a court order.  Keep good records & try to get as much proof as you can that you have reason to fear him...
Title: Re: Looking for advise
Post by: Kitty C. on Mar 05, 2011, 06:07:47 PM
'Yes I plan to give the father visitation and I know this may sound selfish, but I do not want him visiting in the comfort of my own home.  I live with my mom and step dad ever since I moved out.  He expects me to let him in the door whenever he wants.  I don't want to be alone with him in the house, i'm too scared he's going to try and have sex with me or something.  I know him and I know how he is.  I would rather him have visitation time away from my house... but how do I do that without him "assuming" i am keeping him away from the baby?  Another reason why I don't want him in my house is because he is always asking me how my daughter is doing, buying her things and telling me how much he misses her and that he would love to have her spend time with him when the baby is born.'
 
This is an easy one...........because it's NOT 'your' house..........it's your mom and step-dad's, right?  So THEY have the say-so on who enters their home or not and he would have to get THEIR permission in order to enter.  It's not your decision to make.  But I agree with the others.....until you have a CO, it's all a moot point.
Title: Re: Looking for advise
Post by: mistyme on Mar 05, 2011, 09:16:49 PM
I'm ignorning him and I am not provoking him at all ... he randomly texts me because I don't talk to him all the time telling me i better get a lawyer, ect.  Which is fine i mean, i knew he was going to act this way.  My thing is, how do I afford a lawyer? LOL I've checked around and most want just a 3500 retainer! I can't afford that! I'm a single mom, I'm on bed rest, I don't have a job right now.

So assuming he gets a lawyer, i take the advice that was given as to, if he's not on the b/c he has to petition the court for DNA.  which now he wants to sit here and say he doubts now that he's the father. I can't believe he's saying this stuff.  Oh well.  Any help would be nice on where I can afford to get a lawyer.  I don't plan on taking his rights away just stating my case and keeping him from taking the baby.

What can he get? if he takes me to court for 50/50, can he get it? Anyone have experience in this??? most importantly can he take me to court BEFORE the baby is born? im 36wks, due on 4/1.

THanks!
Title: Re: Looking for advise
Post by: ocean on Mar 05, 2011, 09:53:53 PM
Call your local family court and ask for the legal aid department. See if you qualify once baby is born..goes by wages. If you do not qualify there, call a domestic shelter/hotline and see how they can help you.

He will not be given 50/50 of a newborn and if you fight it and not agree it will take months in court (maybe longer) to get it all straightened out.

Keep documenting ALL texts. Take pictures of them and keep your cell phone bills to prove he is calling you at the text time. IF he constantly calls in ONE day, file a police report for harassment. If he calls a lot in one week, call you local police department and ask how many would they need to charge him with harassment.

Keep ignoring...he is getting mad because he is not getting to you and right now you hold the cards.

You can do it two ways:
1. Get paperwork for Paternity, custody (asking for Sole), child support, and parenting plan with supervised ...fill it out. Ask where it needs to be dropped off. Have a family send it out/bring it as soon as baby is born. Then the courts will have what you want...

or

2. Wait for him to file for Paternity then you counter sue for sole custody, child support, and supervised visitation.

The lawyers want a lot of money because this is going to trial if he does not agree (which he probably wont and take many days in court). Does he have the money for a lawyer? If one does call you, listen, but do not tell them much. Yes/no response. Do not give them all your evidence. They work for HIM not you.

Relax...I know it is hard with all this around you but put a few safe guards around you, and ignore. Then enjoy the time with your new baby!
Title: Re: Looking for advise
Post by: mistyme on Mar 05, 2011, 10:13:06 PM
THanks so much ocean, it's greatly appreciated.  I have a lot of faith he can't do much, he has nothing against me, i've raised my own 4 1/2 year old DD on my own since she was a baby, I have held stable jobs, no arrest history, violent history or CPS history.  Never had a run in with police, no drug use ... nothing. Maybe just bad credit!
 
Can he though get a lawyer BEFORE baby is born? aka lawyer contacts me before baby is born, ect.
 
I told him once he told me that i better get a lawyer, ect, to please not contact me anymore, he can speak to my lawyer.  So I don't plan on speaking to him at all, not even advising him when the baby is born. Nothing.
 
Also, what happens if i DON'T get a lawyer? Would he get what he wants? Can he get full custody of the baby if he starts throwing all kinds of accusations out, ect? I'm just curious.  I'm just affraid I won't get the help I need and you know how some parents will make false accusations and if the other parent doesn't have a lawyer to proove the accusing parent wrong, they are screwed?
Title: Re: Looking for advise
Post by: ocean on Mar 05, 2011, 10:32:46 PM
He would have to pay a lawyer the retainer, and most would probably tell him he has to wait for baby to be born. He may be able to get someone to call you to try and set up something out of court to see baby in hospital but until you get something from a court, you do not have to speak to them either.

Great that you told him no more contact. Now if he tries, and continues you can get that restraining order (if it comes down to that, have them put ..no contact for you and child when born until court case).

If you can not get a lawyer, then he still would not get 50/50 or even overnights to a newborn. You would go to court a few times and his lawyer will try and get you to agree to what he wants...do not sign anything until it is something you can live with. You can not change it very easily. Lawyer will talk to you in waiting area or room and try to negotiate with you. You can talk to lawyer before hand (and use up his retainer..lol). Some places offer mediation first and see if you can work it out with a mediator or at least parts of the court order.

After a few postponements, they will set a trail date. You can act like a lawyer. You would be able to question him under oath and bring your own witnesses. Joint legal custody just means he can bring child to dr, get info from schools (sole too...as long as he is the father), and make decisions with you if any major medical or educational decisions are to be made. BUT really, child is with you most of the time and you make every day decisions. So, it he is stuck on that...you may want to give that in...depending if you have enough for supervised.

Even a SUPER dad would have to file paternity and then try to get an infant schedule in place which is usually a few hours, a few times a week. Usually not overnight. WHat state are you in? One of us can look up you state and tell you what your state says about infants...

Also, if he is not seeing child until AFTER a judge decides then he can not make too many false accusations when he has not seen child. If he calls CPS on you....they usually see real fast that this is a custody case and close the case.
Title: Re: Looking for advise
Post by: mistyme on Mar 05, 2011, 10:42:40 PM
lol i can't see myself acting like a lawyer haha.  He makes me too nervous and scared, plus I do have anxiety and I wouldn't be suprised if he tried to use that against me.

I don't care if he gets standard visitation after a few supervised visits are done, ect.  I'm not 100% keeping the baby ... just not 50/50 or him taking full custody of the baby.  So i'm affraid if I don't have a lawyer he will win custody, I loose my son.  I don't know how all this stuff works.

I won't agree to anything, especially if it's outside of court.  I honestly don't know what he is trying to accomplish.  I can't say im perfect cause I've prolly said a few things in the past to piss him off.  I just tell him what I have planned for the baby because he has NOT helped in any decission making so I've been doing it all on my own and because I didn't want him in the hospital room when I give birth, he gets upset.  Than i had a false alarm last week and because I didn't tell him he is all upset.  He thinks that I think that I don't need a father around and all i care about is child support.  oh well !!!! We will see.  I'm just nervous because I want to enjoy my time with my son ... not be worrying about when I am going to get served, how I will find a lawyer or even afford one, ect.
 
I like in texas btw.
Title: Re: Looking for advise
Post by: ocean on Mar 05, 2011, 11:07:39 PM
You can file yourself...then hire a lawyer for the trial day BUT many times it gets pushed off so you would have to pay for another day(s). So you do the paperwork now...then hire someone when you get the court date..usually cheaper and tell them, it is just for the day (fire, rehire) so he can not call lawyer and you get charged. BUT you probably qualify or even ask him in the court order to pay for your fees...

Looks like TX does not have a set schedule until age 3 (I pasted that way below) but here is what most get in TX... There is a poster from TX, so she if she responds to you. Also the guidelines are no overnights to age 3 but you could agree to something else.

This is what I found for 0-3 years for TX
"WEEKLY VISITATION SCHEDULE FOR CHILD UNDER THE AGE OF THREE YEARS

AT ALL TIMES MUTUALLY AGREED UPON BY THE PARTIES and failing agreement,the Non-Custodial Parent shall have possession of the minor child underthe age of three years as follows: (usually 2-3 times a week, starting at mom home then going with father...)

1. Each Monday from 3PM until 6PM or from 6PM until 8PM
2. Each Wednesday from, 3PM until 6PM or from 6PM until 8PM
3. Each Friday from 3PM until 6PM or from 6PM until 8PM
4. Each Saturday from 3PM until 12PM the following Sunday or Each Saturday from 9AM until 7PM.
5. Each year on the child's birthday from 1PM until 3PM or from 6PM until 8PM.
6. Holidays:
CHRISTMAS: in even numbered years, the NCP shall have possession of thechild from 9AM until 7PM on December 26th, and in odd numbered yearsthe NCP shall have possession of the child from 9AM until 7PM onDecember 24th.
THANKSGIVING: in odd numbered years, the NCP shall have possession of the child from 9AM until 7PM on Thanksgiving Day."


This is what I found for child 3 and up for TX:

Texas also has a Standard Possession Order that allows for at leastminimal visitation for the non-custodial parent who lives within 100miles of the child.  It is set forth below:
Weekends - beginning at 6:00 p.m. on the first, third and fifth Fridays of each month and ending at 6:00 p.m. on Sunday;
Thursday - of each week during the regular school term, beginning at 6:00 p.m. and ending at 8:00 p.m.;
Christmas - in even-numbered years beginning at 6:00 p.m. on the last school day before the Christmas school vacation begins, and ending at noon on December 28; Christmas - in odd-numbered years beginning at noon on December 28 and ending at 6:00 p.m. on the day before school resumes;
Thanksgiving -in odd-numbered years beginning at 6:00 p.m. on the day the child isdismissed from school for Thanksgiving and ending at 6:00 p.m. on theSunday following Thanksgiving;
Spring Break -in even-numbered years beginning at 6:00 p.m. on the day the child isdismissed from school for spring vacation and ending at 6:00 p.m. onthe day before school resumes;
Summer - thirty (30) days to be exercised in no more than two (2) separate periods of at least seven (7) consecutive days;
Child's birthday - from 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m.;
Mother's Day/Father's Day weekend - from 6:00 p.m. Friday to 6:00 p.m. Sunday.
Thiscan be modified by agreement. Remember that each case is unique to thechild and situation even though there are "standards".  Seek legalconsultation in your area for your particular set of circumstances.
Title: Re: Looking for advise
Post by: mistyme on Mar 06, 2011, 04:52:20 AM
If that's the sced. I want, I can enforce it stating I don't want him staying the night till his is 3?  I heard of that law here, but it's strange though because my friends, people I know how have gone to file for CS through the state AG, they get standard visitation, even with the baby being 4-5 months. Im assuming they have agreed though and CS doesn't do much anyways cause it's not their dept to listen to parents argure, ect.
 
I'm just going to wait till he makes the first move. I will call for legal assistance around the city, i don't know what my chances are for legal aid... I don't work.  I figured you had to have some "big" case for them to pay attention.
 
Thanks ocean, you really have made me feel a lot better with your information.  I just have to keep reminding myself I do hold all the cards right now and it's all going to work out.  I'm just so nervous :)
Title: Re: Looking for advise
Post by: mistyme on Mar 10, 2011, 09:14:49 PM
I hope someone see's this lol I didn't want to make a new post...
 
First off I went down to the DA office and spoke to them about getting a possible PO against him for prior harrassment, ect so I am waiting on that...
 
Also I had someone metion to me that during the time I am pregnant till the baby is born, he can attempt to build a case against me?  Like I said, I can't think of anything that would declare me unfit and I am probablly over worrying myself, but I keep thinking he can build some kind of made up case against me with false accustations and as soon as the baby is born, my son is taken away.  I know, i'm over worrying.  Is this possible? He would really have to invest time and money into a lawyer though... I'm just checking because i'm over worrying... i need to feel better and keep reminding myself he has nothing against me...it's just his past "im going to take the baby" threats that scare me.
 
thanks!!!
Title: Re: Looking for advise
Post by: bloom6372 on Mar 13, 2011, 01:20:06 AM

I hope someone see's this lol I didn't want to make a new post...

First off I went down to the DA office and spoke to them about getting a possible PO against him for prior harrassment, ect so I am waiting on that...

Also I had someone metion to me that during the time I am pregnant till the baby is born, he can attempt to build a case against me?  Like I said, I can't think of anything that would declare me unfit and I am probablly over worrying myself, but I keep thinking he can build some kind of made up case against me with false accustations and as soon as the baby is born, my son is taken away.  I know, i'm over worrying.  Is this possible? He would really have to invest time and money into a lawyer though... I'm just checking because i'm over worrying... i need to feel better and keep reminding myself he has nothing against me...it's just his past "im going to take the baby" threats that scare me.

thanks!!!

 
Yes, he can try to build a case against you while your pregnant. Just like he can hire an atty before you have the baby. But, he'll have to PROVE whatever he says. If it's a he says, she says, then the Court won't care. Just like you'll have to prove why he shouldn't have overnights with the baby. He wouldn't have to prove you unfit to get additional time with the baby than what you are offering, he would just need to prove that it'd be best for the baby for a standard schedule to take place.  You need to worry about building a case against him before the baby is born. You need to have everything prepared for Court if you don't have an attorney. So make sure you have your proposal ready, documentation of everything, and make a few alternate proposals (so you can ask the Court to use one of those if they don't choose your first proposal).
 
I will tell you that the "breastfeeding" reason COULD be thrown out, because he (or his atty) could simply say that you could pump the milk and send it with the baby. So you'll need to build more than that if you don't want him having overnights or being alone with the baby for a while.