Hello ALL. DH went back to court in February after his oldest boy, 15, was assaulted by BM's live in boyfriend. The child is now residing primarily in our home, but visits weekly with BM.
To the issue, both boys were ordered to be enrolled in counseling back in 8/09 and again in 8/10. BM failed to enroll them and file proof as ordered. She also refused to give DH any info re: health insurance so that he could enroll them. When DH has tried to speak to BM about counseling she simply disagrees or hangs up. So, now that the older child is living with us, we took it upon ourselves to go to the Mental Health Center in our town, who referred us to a community based program. The therapist met with us for the first time yesterday for intake, and will meet with the child in the home setting once weekly. They also have a facility should they need to meet with BM, and of course DH provided the therapist with all of BM's info. DH notified BM that the child is enrolled in therapy, and her response was that she refuses to agree to the therapy, and that DH has to have her consent on the choice of therapist. She stated she will enroll him in different therapy. She has been badgering DH by text all day today about it.
The court order states, that both parents must consult in the choice of health professionals. That is pretty much impossible, with the total breakdown of communication between them. BM generally refuses to speak by phone, claims she doesn't receive our letters our court papers, and states she doesn't have computer access for e-mail. She by and large ignores DH's text messages, unless she wants something.
The order also states, that each parent be notified within three days of the commencement of treatment which we did.
It states Both parents are to enroll Both children in therapy, and fully cooperate with the therapist. We gave the therapist a copy of the court order that says the child is to be enrolled in therapy, and they told us that was all they needed. But who knows what kind of a stink BM is going to raise.
To our knowledge the younger child is not enrolled in therapy, and does not even have health insurance.
BM says that DH broke the order by enrolling the child without consent. Did we do the right thing? Is there something else we need to do, or file.?What should we do if she tries to interfere or enroll him in different therapy?
I would send her a certified letter (that is one that she does NOT need to sign BUT the post office will give proof of delivery) with the info again.
Ex,
According to the court order dated XX and XX it states that both children are to be in therapy. Since XX is living here primarily and you have not taken either child, I made an appointment with XX counselor. I sent you a text on XX stating the date and time. Counselor was given your info and her number is XXX. I gave her a copy of the court order which states the children are to be in therapy. If you pull child out of therapy, I will be force to file contempt charges against you. It is in the best interest of the children to be enrolled in therapy to deal with some of the issues and it is already court ordered.
Please send me a copy of XX insurance card by XX date in the enclosed self addressed stamped envelope. If I do not receive his card, I will ask the courts to intervene.
Thankyou (for nothing..lol)
You
Then file contempt of court if she interferes. Ask for lawyer fees and that children will go to XX counselor until the counselor or BOTH parents agree to have children stop therapy.
Thanks ocean, will definitely be taking care of that first thing in the morning. We have signed up the older child for insurance, and provided that info to her. She has given DH no info on the younger child, whether he has insurance or is in therapy.. we think it's no on both counts.
So, it seems BM's main gripe is that the therapy is conducted in our home and she can't be present. Although as DH explained to her several times, we will not be present either, and it is strictly confidential. We provided the therapist with all of her info, and he will make arrangements to meet with us when and if he sees fit.
We were not aware when we enrolled him that the counseling would take place primarily in our home, but when the therapist explained that it will help him get to know the child better and make him more comfortable, we didn't see a problem with it. Do you think it is a valid issue on her part?
No, as long as she is being offered the same thing or that a visit can take place in an office.
Very unusual around here to see a therapist go to a house especially for a child that old...
If you do not have insurance, who is paying this? Are you sure they are not covered under the state insurance program?
'BM says that DH broke the order by enrolling the child without consent. Did we do the right thing?'
That's the pot calling the kettle black, don't you think? Remind her that counseling was court ordered and she has been continuously in violation of it for not getting the counseling arranged. In that letter, I would also let her know that if she does decide to pursue contempt charges against your DH, then he will ask for her to pay for ALL atty. fees and court costs if the judge rules against her. To be honest with you, she wouldn't be coming to court with clean hands to begin with, so my opinion would be 'Bring it on!' She will have to answer to the court why she didn't do it in the first place.
As for the home visits, tell her you don't have any authority to tell the therapist how they should do their job...any more than she can.
I am assuming that they will make arrangements to meet with BM at some point, and that will obviously not take place in our home. They do have offices, but it was explained to us that there are not a lot of rooms in the facility to go around for the many patients and counselors, and that they like to meet with the child on a personal level.
The child did not have insurance when he came into our care, but we have since signed him up, and yes through a state program. The younger child remained in BM's care and is not insured to our knowledge.
Kitty, your last sentence said it best.!!
i would send notification using priority confirmed delivery. she has to sign for certified
i would not threaten contempt unless the therapy/counseling isn't happening let herfile and say you didnt follow the rules. with all your attempts i think you will be fine
We haven't had any luck with contempt in the past either, because it is considered a quasi-criminal proceeding in our court, the burden of proof is impossibly high.
I have another question if anyone knows the answer..SS was pulled out of regular school last year and placed in independent studies by BM. When he came to
live with us, we left him in independent studies to finish out the year. We just found out today that he IS graduating 8th grade after a lot of hard work (and no
help at all from BM). So, DH made an appt. with our district, just to turn in some paperwork (I guess they are so busy they do it by appt here?). Then they will determine what school he goes to based on our address since the child resides primarily with us. DH informed BM and she is now demanding DH give her the date time place and allow her to be at the office to turn in his paperwork.
Now, it wouldn't be such a big deal, if she didn't act so crazy. The child's current home school instructor won't even talk to her anymore, it's that bad. DH told her he would keep her informed and will give her the info for any and all appt.s that involve decision-making. She is demanding the info and threatening contempt, what would be best in this situation.?
I guess what I am asking is, does DH have to give her the info for an appointment he made that is just to turn in the child's birth certificate, proof of address, etc.?
The court order simply states that both parents must consult in decisions regarding: and goes on to list several items, including enrolling in or leaving school. We are simply going to the district where the child now resides, and having THEM place him in the appropriate school based on our home address.
It's ironic, BM has never given DH any of information regarding doctors, insurance or schools for the children. Since SS has been living with us, she has shown no interest in his progress at school,, and refused to help him get his work done on her time. Now she is stating she is very involved in everything and needs to be at this appointment. We know full well this is just an attempt on her part to gain some control and try to make DH look bad.
I know you are trying to follow the court order but you can inform her AFTER too. Call the school and ask if there will be an orientation for parents. Let her know that you are going to sign him up (do not give date) and if there is any parent meeting or orientation you will let her know or she can call the school herself.
From now on, low contact, min contact. As you said, contempt is really a pain and unless you have repeat offenses it is usually a slap on the wrist. Let her complain. Since the home teacher is on your side at the moment, will the teacher write a letter stating that you helped him pass 8th grade and when he came to you he was failing? Not really against mom, just the facts? Just put it in your files for now in case she files something.
If the appointment is close, ignore her until the paperwork is in. Then give her the school info and she can deal with them. Then ignore again. Tell child you do not know when you are going...so child is not put in the middle.
You deal with this son in your home. If it is a major event, she gets an email but until things improve with communication, pick your battles/info. If she really wanted to know or stop this, she could call the district you live in herself.
sounds like a typical double standard to me.
I sorta disagree with Ocean's advice this time -- but it also depends on how well dad can handle himself.
IF he's "strong enough" to sit back and watch mom make a fool of herself, then I would give her the information and let the chips fall where they may.
\
Facts are facts, and if the child is gonna finish 8th grade and get enrolled into a regular school, how is she gonna stop it or change anything -- let THEM handle her, let dad sit back, and answer questions of the school....blah blah blah....
To me it's doing it the right way, the way the court wanted you to do it, and letting mom hang herself.
Ocean- Not giving to much information, that is definitely a lesson we have now learned the hard way. I agree with the low contact, it's just very difficult with this woman. Especially now that one of the children is with us.. she is hell-bent on getting some of that control back any way she can.
Today BM demanded to pick up the child an hour early and when DH told her to stick to the schedule, she showed up any way and sent the younger child to the door, then began honking in front of our home. I was home alone at the time with our two year old daughter. This is very typical of what we go through several times a week.
Mixed bag, we don't want to give her any ammo, but also DH is at his wit's end and doesn't want to be anywhere near her. I agree though, it is the RIGHT WAY, and it is what we would want if the roles were reversed.. just not sure how much more my poor DH can take.
And this is a situation where I would keep a camcorder rolling.
But to avoid it altogether; arrange for the exchanges in a public place (preferably one with security cameras), or have the separating parent bring the child to the other household. This also prevents the separating parent from promising or starting a fun activity just before the other parent shows up, and then blame the other parent for ruining their fun.
I used this schedule later on with my son, and it reduced conflict quite a bit.
Kent!
Hi Kent, the meeting place for BM to pick up is supposed to be at the gas station located near our home for the reason you stated
(cameras, as well as receipt to document we arrived on time). Because the court order is not specific enough (no matter how many times they go back, courts never seem to get it right) the order has curbside, but the minutes say the gas station..BM picks and chooses a different spot depending on her mood. One day it will be gas station with police present, next time it will be outside of our gated community, and the time after that will be in front of our home an hour early, honking her horn.
As far as promising or starting a fun activity before the other parent shows up, BM will straight out deny visitation if she has anything planned. She has figured out very well how to manipulate the system. She will have the younger child call the day before and tell DH he wants to do an activity on DH's time (almost always involving BM). If DH doesn't agree, she simply disappears with the child and turns her phone off. The police will not come out and make a report without DH knowing her location. DH can file a report over the phone, through an automated report line, but that report will then be dismissed as hearsay in court. Have experienced this several times already. Any suggestions in a situation like that.?
hearsay?? Ummm....no it's not.
If the child isn't exchanged at the court appointed time, HOW is that hearsay?
Actually, I'd go to the court appointed location and buy that pack of gum.
Then you gotta follow through in family court with a "Motion to Show Cause" because MOM isn't exchanging the child at the court appointed time.
And if you have a gated community -- how is she getting past the gate?
Buy the gum, go to the police station and demand nicely, a written report. I just wrote under your other post but also, after she denies go on your online page and write, "just at exchange according to court order, please let me know the kids are okay and when I can have make-up time"
Bring video or tape auditory with phone in case she shows up and speaks...we were allowed to use audio in court and to law guardian.
This might be too late but I thought I would throw it out anyway. Ask the school if the school counselor be present when you go to register. Explain about the mother & then give her the info. Let her show herself to them. They will immediately be your allies.
As far as her sitting outside your house blowing the horn use the time tracker to record all the problems with the exchanges. Then ask your neighbors to call the police when she does this. If she is warned more than once, she can get a ticket for disturbing the peace.
Get creative & let her hang herself.