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Main Forums => Custody Issues => Topic started by: Tana on Nov 01, 2011, 07:25:00 PM

Title: do aunt and grandparents have any rights?
Post by: Tana on Nov 01, 2011, 07:25:00 PM
I have decided to relocate abroad so that my baby grows near his entire maternal family.
I am the only person listed on his birth certificate and his dad saw him twice.One time for less than 5 minutes.
He knows we leave and has made no comments so I think he really does not care.
he has provided neither love nor financial support for his son
His sister on the other hand is really involved and she is sad that we leave.
Can she pursue any legal action?
do I run any risk by leaving?
Title: Re: do aunt and grandparents have any rights?
Post by: brwneyedmom on Nov 01, 2011, 07:33:25 PM
What is the reason for his dad not being on the birth certificate?
What is the reason for his dad only seeing him twice?
This is a site to help BOTH parents be involved with their children.

Your child's father might want to be more involved in the future. You may be blocking access to the father and child bond. You aren't giving any details about why the father hasn't been involved with his child. There is 50% of your child's family that will lose an important connection to this child.

Yes, you run a HUGE risk by leaving.
Title: Re: do aunt and grandparents have any rights?
Post by: brwneyedmom on Nov 01, 2011, 07:39:04 PM
Also, we read all the boards so you don't have to post on three of them. Just one will catch people's eye. Many postings get confusing.
Title: Re: do aunt and grandparents have any rights?
Post by: Tana on Nov 01, 2011, 07:40:53 PM
I know that I am blocking his father from eventually wanting to see his son but in 4 months he made no emotional or financial connection with our son.
I have zero relatives in the country and if I stay it would ONLY be to spend birthdays and holidays ALONE as his father is married and can't tell his wife he has a son he would like to connect with.
I'd hoped that his father would be open about what happened and that he would want to be part of his sons life but I think he ONLY wants to protect what he has: his marriage.
he has been kept informed of everything: labor, hospital, doc appointments, photos, etc
he does not seem to care
Don't bl;ame me for not letting my son grow near his father but his father is "happily married" and it feels that he needs to hide the fact that he had a son.We can't even call him at home
Title: Re: do aunt and grandparents have any rights?
Post by: Kitty C. on Nov 01, 2011, 08:48:50 PM
'I know that I am blocking his father from eventually wanting to see his son but in 4 months he made no emotional or financial connection with our son.'
You're comparing 4 months of this child's life against the next 18+ years??  Wow.
I understand that with the father being 'happily married' (which I seriously doubt if he's fooling around), it makes things that much more difficult....but what you need to understand is that this is about THE CHILD, not the father nor YOU.
Let me ask you some hypothetical questions:
You say he's happily married, which I doubt for the simple fact that he has a child outside of it.  And there's NO way he will be able to keep it a secret forever...heck, Arnold Schwartzenegger couldn't even keep his secret.  What happens if he gets divorced in the next few years?  What if he wants to get involved 5 years from now?  Ten years from now?  You realize that the child is an American citizen, right?  And that the US does NOT recognize dual citizenships, right?  It is always possible that after you leave, the father could file a petition in family court for paternity and custody....which could force you to come back to the US and resolve the issue, including staying here at minimum until the child is 18 years old.
You run an incredibly high risk of being in legal trouble if you were to leave the country.  Stranger things have happened, but it's even remotely possible that if the father were to file and win a petition for paternity and custody, he would have the right to come to your country and just take the child.  There have been a few high-profile cases in recent years where fathers have fought long and hard to get to their child who was taken outside the US and have accomplished it.
'Don't bl;ame me for not letting my son grow near his father....'  Yes, I would blame you if you were to take the child out of the country...the child certainly cannot leave on his/her own.  It really doesn't make any difference whether the father gets involved now, a year from now, or 10 years down the road.  Unless you get it legalized that the father is willing to give up ALL his rights to the child and legally allows you to leave the country, for the sake of the child, you need to stay here.
Think about it.....this child is innocent.  You and the father have put this child in this position and, as the parents, now you have to do what's right by that child, even if that means doing what you DON'T want to do.
Title: Re: do aunt and grandparents have any rights?
Post by: ocean on Nov 02, 2011, 03:45:13 AM
The father's sister knows about son but not father's wife???

At the very least, I would go to family court and fill out paternity papers to prove he is the father and to get him on the birth certificate. He will then be forced to pay some sort of child support and if he has a job the state will take it right from his check and send it to you. Then they will give him a visitation plan to start seeing baby. A few hours at a time to start. In those papers you can write that you are allowed to travel with child to xx country to see family.

Grandparents can ask the courts for some rights when the bio parent is not taking any for whatever reason. They would have to force the paternity test first. This whole process can take many months to over a year depending on how much the dad fights and slows the process.

Title: Re: do aunt and grandparents have any rights?
Post by: Tana on Nov 02, 2011, 08:34:50 AM
dad has been saying that its ok for us to leave and relocate abroad
I have emails...nothing else
he also says he will never take my son away from me and he knows he is in good hands
yes, sister has seen the baby 4 times and has sent clothes and diapers
father saw him 2 and provided nothing
i don't know what the wife knows but his entire family know and they said they plan on visiting
Title: Re: do aunt and grandparents have any rights?
Post by: Giggles on Nov 02, 2011, 10:48:35 AM
For the sake and well being of your this the right and legal way.  If what you're saying is true then the father wouldn't have any issue allowing you to leave with the child legally...right?
Please do think long and hard about this because I am a mother of a child that has some serious issues due to the inattentiveness of her father.  Her father and I were in a serious relationship (no he wasn't married) when I became pregnant.  He walked out when I was 6 months along and didn't look back until our child was 6 years old.  She may not have had a relationship with him, but she was very close with his family, mainly his Mother and Father (her paternal grandparents).  When her Grandfather passed away, was when she met her father for the first time....again she was 6 years old.
My daughter is now 12 and has a few psychological issues where her father is concerned.  See when they met he begged me to allow them a relationship.  I know from being on this site it is NECESSARY for a child to have the love and support of BOTH parents so I agreed.  Perhaps maybe I shouldn't have....he wasn't very attentive to her, he would say he's coming to pick her up then didn't show.  Very few phone calls inbetween visits...this has had a toll on my daughter.
I would suggest that you petition the court for child support.  If he does want visitation I wouldn't fight him on that.  If like you say he is "happily Married" then he'll probably want to keep this as quiet as possible and most likely will legally agree to you have sole custody.  Do this for your son...he deserves the support of BOTH his parents. 
As for the extended family...DO NOT cut them out ever!!  I'm soo happy that my daughter has such a large and loving extended family with his sisters, her cousins, and grandmother.  If you are allowed to move, encourage them to call him, make sure you send them photos, letters and when the child is older perhaps maybe he could go visit them during school breaks? 
The other reason we reccomend you do this the legal and right way is because what if something (god forbid) happens to you??
Now...having been a betrayed wife I think it might be best to seek some sort of counseling and to encourage the childs father to confess to his wife.  You may think that since its over theres no harm're wrong.  His wife being kept in the dark is the utmost cruelest thing that can be done to her...she needs to be told so she can make the necessary choices to protect her future.  Eventually she will learn the truth and it is a billion times better to get the information from the source than to find out by "accident".  He needs to be totally honest with her and tell her EVERYTHING!!  He must not LIE at all, that only makes things WORSE!!  If he is supposedly "happily" married...then he owes it to his wife to tell her what has been done.  Ok...end of lecture......
Title: Re: do aunt and grandparents have any rights?
Post by: Davy on Nov 02, 2011, 05:58:57 PM
"I have decided to relocate abroad so that my baby grows near his entire maternal family."
While appreciating your honesty and the authenticity of the advice you have been provided you may want to very seriously consider foremost the short and long term effect of removing the child to a different country (or even another state) on the relationship the child is likely to GAIN with the other parent.
It is generally accepted among reasonable, rational, and thoughtful people that a natural parent far outweighs the other parents' family structure.  Most would not consider a hopefully valuable relationship with that family structure a legitimate reason to remove a child to another country.  More importantly, one of your major resonpsibilities as a parent is to assure the child has a valid relationship with the other parent rather than take actions which often renders a situation where the child may never know the other parent.  How very very sad.
Some might say "you made your bed ... now lie in it".
Title: Re: do aunt and grandparents have any rights?
Post by: mdegol on Nov 02, 2011, 06:51:53 PM
If father is not listed on the birth certificate (so I am assuming birth certificate is blank in father's spot), you have sole physical and legal custody.  He has to file for his paternity rights or you have to file a paternity case (child support), in which he will have to take a DNA test to prove that he is the father.  This is the only way he will get parental rights.  Once he has parental right, you MUST get his permission to leave.  If you leave after that without telling him, you can go to jail for parental abduction and lose custody of your child.  Actually, if you even want to move 100 miles away (in most states) you have to get his permission, much less leave the country.  If he agrees it is no problem in every case.  If you have some emails-keep them.  If he is not asking for rights, you are the only legal parent to the child, so you can do as you choose.  If he does it after you leave, he will get visitation rights, but only after he proves he is the father.   After you (well really baby) have lived in the other country 6 months, he will have to file in your country, not here.  Personally, I think it is really important that both parents are involved, but if he doesn't have any inclination and on top of that a marriage with another woman-that seems like as dangerous of a situation to have child be psychologically damaged.  Might be better if he deals with his situation on his own first, but if I were you I would make sure he was able to contact her if he changes his position.  So once you are settled in the other country, you keep contact with the sister and he could get a hold of you and baby through her.  The sister has no legal standing. The only thing she could do is try to convince him to file for parental rights and stop you from leaving.  To me, sounds like he is telling you to go and his family is saying they will visit, so they are also telling you to go-sad that he doesn't want to take responsibility but do what is right for you and your child right now.  Your family's support can help at least a little for the child.  You can always move back if things take a different turn in the future.  Also, you can always file for child support.  If you change your mind in a couple of years, you can do it then. Just like he can change his mind and file for parental rights at any time, even after you left.
Title: Re: do aunt and grandparents have any rights?
Post by: Tana on Nov 06, 2011, 04:19:16 AM
well yes, as they say  "you made your bed ... now lie in it".
I know my little one may grow affected by not seeing his dad but the whole 4 months living an hour away from dad were challenging.
First of all, I was hospitalized as I went into early labor. I was kept pregnant for 2 weeks at the hospital and dad was on ignore mode the entire time. He would ignore calls, texts and email. Thn my son was born and he stayed in intensive care and again, his dad never responded to a single call.
His dad eventually came out of ignore mode 45 days after our son was born.
He came to see his sone once and spent an houir with him during that time he did a DNA test and I told him that I didnt need the results as I had no questions.
Then he saw his son for the second time 2 weeks ago as he knew that we were leaving.But he only spent with him the 20 seconds that it might take to hold a baby and get two photos taken.
His entire family know but I feel that he is not being honest to his wife.
He got a ltter of intent of child support and he was super pissed and tried to get an out of court agreement.
I would have considered staying if I had any indication that this man would try to do the right thing and be honest with his wife as my child needs to grow in the truth.
It would have been ok with him to stay if his father would have acted differently
But his actions showed that he would continue to harm the well being of our son by nver being able to take him home or even know where he lives or where to call him.
I did get a child support case started and I was told by child support agents that since nothing had been done, it was ok to leave.
So since I have not a single relative in the US, I really thought that bringing my son abroad was the best.
I know we parents make mistakes sometimes and we will see if this was the best or not...
I know his father at some point may want to see him but I think he was more interested in sleeping with me than in bonding with his son.
so we will see and thanks everyone for your input
Title: Re: do aunt and grandparents have any rights?
Post by: tigger on Nov 07, 2011, 08:54:42 AM
Being disappointed with him for not being honest with his wife is just wrong.  Either you were okay with him not being honest with her while having an affair with an married man or you knew of his dishonest, dishonorable character after finding out that he was married.  Either way, what did you expect?  For the birth of a child to suddenly cause him to become a man of honor and integrity? 
Title: Re: do aunt and grandparents have any rights?
Post by: Tana on Nov 07, 2011, 11:55:58 AM
tigger--I know you are right