SPARC Forums

Main Forums => Second Families => Topic started by: Lady Tremaine on Nov 23, 2011, 12:36:41 PM

Title: A Step's Death
Post by: Lady Tremaine on Nov 23, 2011, 12:36:41 PM
I'm going to try & make this short.. long drama filled posts are sometimes hard to read!

My Fiance' & I have been together for 3.5 years. He has a daughter from a previous relationship. Over the past 3 years my sd has bonded with my mom. I have pictures of them together, when she was upset or sad, she would go talk to my mom. My mom loved this child just as though I would've had her. Sd's mom knew this & even conceded that they had a good, special relationship.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. My mom had been battling cancer. She lost her battle 11/16/11. We found out on 10/30/11 that my mom's oncologist hadn't been exactly honest & that while he was telling us that her cancer was the size of a thumbnail it was actually 3/4 of her lung. When he said, "It's grown just a tiny bit, the rest is pneumonia", it was really her whole lung.

We contacted fiance's ex after 2 days, asking for us to get sd so she could say goodbye to my mom. The answer was this, "Due to facebook drama that has nothing to do with you, you can't have her." What it really was, was we are filing for custody b/c  sd's mom is refusing us all contact w/ sd, changed sd's phone number, has blocked us from any way of contacting sd. Not to mention mom can't keep a valid license, she talks derogatorily about us, is married to an alcoholic & just wishes fiance & I would go away. We are not.

My mom passed 1 week ago today. We knew that getting sd was slim, however we tried. My mom's visitation was Monday, funeral was yesterday on my mom & dad's 39th wedding anniversary. BM's excuse was, she can't miss school because she's not BLOOD. Then it was, "Sucks that an unfit, drunk mother has control doesn't it?" My honey replied with yes it does. He didn't lose his temper or anything. Just simple yes & no answers. She replied with, "AWWWWW" Of course being a smart ass. My honey let it be.

Yesterday morning we had a friend coming to my mom's funeral. She knows sd & her mom & texted her to make sure that she didn't have a change of heart. Needless to say she didn't. She said, "My attorney told me that it wasn't in sd's best interest to come to the funeral because they are not blood."

I have stayed out of this. I plan on staying out of this. I will give my .02 to my honey, but it's up to HIM to decide what to do. I have 3 children of my own & while I have an amazing relationship w/ sd, I have to focus on them right now. All 3 of mine are in counseling & have been for 2 years preparing for the death of my mother. Last night I asked my daughter's counselor for books to help my sd with this. She is not allowed to openly grieve for my mother. She is not allowed to speak about my fiance & I or our children.

This all started, because my honey wouldn't sleep with her. This was after she admitted to having an affair with her husband's best friend.


Anyhow my mom made 2 videos for my sd. I told my mom when she made them that chances are they would end up in court. Even in my mom's state she said, "Use them, you get that baby & bring her home." Broke my heart.

I don't know if I needed to vent or if I'm looking for advice, although advice would be welcomed. lol!

Ages: SD 13, My daughter, 12 (almost 13), my son 9, my daughter 8.

SD & her mom live in WI, Fiance' & I live in IL.
Title: Re: A Step's Death
Post by: ocean on Nov 23, 2011, 01:55:25 PM
So sorry you are dealing with this... all you can do was ask and let it go. When you have SD next, you can let her grieve at the cemetery or get some balloons and do a little service and let the balloons go.

Save those emails and ask the courts to add a line about funerals. "SD will be available for any funerals on both sides of her family including step- parents immediate family and cousins. SD will be allowed to miss up to 3 days of school and stay with the respective parent for the funeral home/church service/cemetery". It is sad, but many people have this in their agreements now...
Title: Re: A Step's Death
Post by: tigger on Nov 23, 2011, 05:27:38 PM
How long have they been divorced?  How long has she been drinking?

How could the vidoes end up in court?
Title: Re: A Step's Death
Post by: Lady Tremaine on Nov 24, 2011, 08:50:49 AM
They were never married. They've been split for 10 years. She was always nice about everything. We actually had a good relationship! Then when she wanted to sleep with him & he refused, that's when the spiteful vengeful side came out.

His ex's side is that we haven't been in her life by our choice. That my mom had nothing to do with her etc. This is all untrue & we can prove our side of the case via pictures, videos, text messages, emails & facebook. From what we've heard she's now trying to terminate my honey's rights to his daughter. I just let my mom know ahead of time, if necessary would she be upset if we had to use the videos in court. They may or may not play out.

She's been drinking (That we know of) pretty heavily for about a year & a 1/2. At first it just seemed to be socially. Now it's more and more. She just got her license back. Her husband still does not have his license from his DWI & DUI's. He currently has a warrant out for his arrest too. They allow underage drinking in the home, which we can prove. Although that just started this past summer.

(I hope this makes sense) There's SO much to it all! :/
Title: Re: A Step's Death
Post by: ladiva23 on Nov 27, 2011, 08:54:03 PM
Girl, God bless you and your family.  Its tough to lose a parent.  My prayers are with you and your family!  :'(  I too lost my mother, who was born with a rare form of auto-immune disease, to end-stage liver disease on October 28, 2010. We were hit with a false allegation of sexual abuse on December 10, 2010.
Since I was my mom's health care proxy, I was going to my hometown a lot, like every Wednesday - Sunday and naturally SDs were missing my big personality in the house because they came every other weekend, so she always wanted to come with me.  Well one day, I guess her mother said "Does LaDiva still live with Daddy) I'm assuming because I wasn't part of my SD's stories from parenting times and my SD said "She goes to (hometown), she said I can go with her next time.
What was that for.  Forget it.  BM went to one of the court dates and said that she's fearful that we are "trying to move with her kids to (hometown) and she's scared."  -  ::)  I know... I can't either.
Anyways, back to you.  I hope your custody suit works well.  Please make sure if you already have a court order, you file a violation of an existing order, and list what she has violated when, why etc.