Personal reasons, not the kids' best interest, has driven my SBTX to attempt to withdraw my children (8 and 11) from their life-time private school to a huge public school in a different school district. She would have to forge documents (lease, utility bills) to allow them to be admitted in the other school. The kids know about the divorce and would be devastated by having to change schools. They do know a couple of students in the new school, but I'm afraid that the stress of the divorce/living arrangements double with the trauma of changing schools would be too much for them to process all at once. She hasn't told them yet. She's waiting for the enrollment process at the new school to be complete. She wants to make me be the one to handle the enrollment, but I'm refusing.
The reason she doesn't want them to go to their current school is because I had an affair (not proud of it, but that's where it's at) and the paramour's children also attend the school. SBTX says that she'd be embarrassed to show her face at the school and refuses to be "put under a microscope" by other parents/faculty.
Truth is, I've spoken to many of the other parents and staff at the school and they all have been surprisingly supportive and non-judgmental, including the priest. SBTX has spoken to no one at the school except for the office manager.
Bottom line: I don't want my kids traumatized further. Is there any way to stop the transfer?
Do you have any court orders yet? You can try and get an emergency restraining order not to remove the children from the current school until final orders are made (divorce court).
Thank you. No orders yet. I'm going to try to convince her one more time before I take that route.
If you are in the middle of divorce proceedings than you will need temporary orders. Each parent has the right to make decsions such as this and at some point a line will need to be drawn.
You are going to need to go to court and get temporary orders to stop it. The thing that is required to be taken into account is what is in the best interest of the children. Adult issues need to kept between the adults but that is often easier said than done.
Your STBX is going to lose in this instance. Private schools tend to have better educational programs than public schools. I am not saying this to put down public schools as most of us probably went to public schools and many of them are great. But private schools can offer so much more if it is a very good school.
She is now saying that she doesn't want the kids to go the same school because they may hear about my affair with another parent at the school. I think the damage of switching from a small private school to a large public school would be more substantial than the potential of a rumor getting back to them.
Quote from: rumplestiltskin on Jul 26, 2012, 06:48:13 AM
She is now saying that she doesn't want the kids to go the same school because they may hear about my affair with another parent at the school. I think the damage of switching from a small private school to a large public school would be more substantial than the potential of a rumor getting back to them.
That still is not a good enough reason to move the children to another school. She is making the assumption that the children will be talking about adult matters with other children and that just does not make any sense. Teachers and staff would get in a lot of trouble if they had discussions with children like that.
The only thing that only matters is if it is in the best interest of the children to move them to another school. Is the school the mother wants to move them to better academically? Which school has the better student to teacher ratio? What will impact the kids more, completely uprooting them from the school they have known for a long time and all their friends or finding out about the actual reason you guys are divorcing?
Children are a lot more intelligent than many people actually give them credit for. Have you and your STBX ever had a discussion about the affair in the home while the children were in the house? I don't mean actually in the same room but in the house. If they were I would fathom a guess that they may actually already know. Another thing I have learned is that you will be suprised how much children actually hear. They tend to ignore normal conversation but if they know you are whispering don't be suprised if you find out they were at your door listening to what you were saying even though you think you were quiet.
Your STBX does not have carte blanche authority on decisions even if she has custody. It is actually standard in custody that you just can't disenroll kids from school.
You need to get orders that outline you have joint custody. If you do not she can do what she want.
It seems to me that YOU didn't have the children's best interest in mind when you destroyed two families with your affair.
I fully understand how your STBX feels, her world has been totally decimated by the selfish acts of the person that she trusted most. How on earth can you think she would be able to trust that you have even the slightest care for your children when you destroyed their lives??
It doesn't matter what the issues were in the marriage YOU are 100% at fault for having an affair and now you want to continually throw your affair and the other woman in her face? You are a cruel and heartless man!!
Are there any other private schools in the area? Or perhaps it would be best for you and your affair partner move to a different area? Put YOUR children's needs first...or are you too selfish to do that?
Quote from: Giggles on Jul 27, 2012, 07:07:56 AM
You are a cruel and heartless man!!
Actually, I'm a good person who made a huge mistake and am learning that trying to make my wife deal with this additional heartache isn't good for anyone. I am truly remorseful for what I've done and teeter on the edge of the abyss every day. The only reason I'm still alive is because my kids need their father.
The kids will be going to a new school and being uprooted because of what I've done, not because of my wife's unwillingness to be slapped in the face every time she walks on the school grounds.
Thanks to everyone for your input.
Quote from: Giggles on Jul 27, 2012, 07:07:56 AM
It seems to me that YOU didn't have the children's best interest in mind when you destroyed two families with your affair.
I fully understand how your STBX feels, her world has been totally decimated by the selfish acts of the person that she trusted most. How on earth can you think she would be able to trust that you have even the slightest care for your children when you destroyed their lives??
It doesn't matter what the issues were in the marriage YOU are 100% at fault for having an affair and now you want to continually throw your affair and the other woman in her face? You are a cruel and heartless man!!
Are there any other private schools in the area? Or perhaps it would be best for you and your affair partner move to a different area? Put YOUR children's needs first...or are you too selfish to do that?
You don't know this person yet you seem to think it is ok to come here and just say everything is his fault. So he had an affair....he knows he was wrong and admitted it. He is not hiding behind what he done. I do not condone his behavior but I also do not know the entire story either so I am not going to sit here and pass complete judgement.
We are known for telling it how it is on this forum and from reading your post I don't see anything that is even remotely helpful. All you did was pass judgment.
He is the child's father and has as much right to make decision and be with the child as does the mother. I have not read or heard a single thing that suggests rumple was a bad father. He may be the worst husband on the planet right now but that has nothing to do with his ability to be a father to his children.
How is what the mother is doing by completely uprooting the children and putting them in another school any different? What she is doing is no less selfish because she is doing it because she does not want to deal with the supposed embarrassment. Her decision is based on her and not the children. Both husband and wife are affected by this. He has admitted remorse and he also will have to deal with the embarrassment of his actions and people looking at him knowing he screwed up.
What should happen here is that the parents sit down and talk to the kids. Let them know that both parents love them dearly and some mistakes were made. Let them know that in no way is anything their fault and they are working to resolve this issue as best they possibly can. That if they feel upset or hear things to come talk to them about it. Right now both parents need to be active in the child's life. The need to know that no matter what both parents will always be there for them.
I agree...
You had an affair, but that does not stop you being a father. I also think that the kids may know already or hear some things. You can decide together how you can tell them that things are not going well but that they still have both their parents and that you may move to another house but you will see them and no one is moving in with you anytime soon.
Focus on being a father. She can not take the kids away from you or change their schools without a good reason. She CAN legally sign them out though, so watch that she has not done it already. BOTH of you have have "custody" since you are still married and take the kids. Call the school each week and ask if they have been discharged. If the children are all the same age, ask that they be placed in different classes next year until this all blows over. Yes, your ex has every right to be upset with you and your marriage is over because of it but you are still their father.
Quote from: rumplestiltskin on Jul 27, 2012, 07:22:49 AM
Quote from: Giggles on Jul 27, 2012, 07:07:56 AM
You are a cruel and heartless man!!
Actually, I'm a good person who made a huge mistake and am learning that trying to make my wife deal with this additional heartache isn't good for anyone. I am truly remorseful for what I've done and teeter on the edge of the abyss every day. The only reason I'm still alive is because my kids need their father.
The kids will be going to a new school and being uprooted because of what I've done, not because of my wife's unwillingness to be slapped in the face every time she walks on the school grounds.
Thanks to everyone for your input.
Yes...you did make a huge mistake...what have you learned from it? Perhaps maybe that having an affair destroys more than just your marriage?? That affairs can have unintended consequences that effect more than just the husband and wife?
I'm very glad to hear that you're remorseful and I do apologize for being harsh but you sounded like you needed a true wake up call as to the level of hurt and decimation you're actions have caused. Do they make you a bad father??? A horrible Husband that's a given...but as you can see, your actions have caused turmoil not only with your wife but now your own children are having to feel the consequences. I don't mean to beat you up...but you really need to take a long hard look at the mess you've made and only then can you truly start the recovery process.
I take offense to Simplydad's statement..."so he had an affair". It's that type of nonchalant attitude that makes people think it's ok to have affairs...it's no big deal. But you've learned the hard way that it is a big deal and that it does hurt more than just your wife.
Is there any chance of reconciling with your wife? It can be done but it takes a lot of work on your part. Would you believe me if I told you it would actually make your marriage stronger? My husband had an affair (so yah I'm a bit sensitive about these things) and after he finally got over himself he did the hard work to put our marriage back together.
Just realize that your wife is in a tremendous amount of pain, her entire world has been rocked to it's very core and she is very likely to act rash in trying to protect herself from further hurt and embarrassment.
Quote from: Giggles on Jul 27, 2012, 06:47:37 PM
I take offense to Simplydad's statement..."so he had an affair". It's that type of nonchalant attitude that makes people think it's ok to have affairs...it's no big deal. But you've learned the hard way that it is a big deal and that it does hurt more than just your wife.
I think you tend to overreact. You took one sentence and made that the point of my entire post. You focused on one thing and then made a very inaccurate assumption just as you were quick to judge the OP. My wording could have been better but my thoughts and feelings on having an affair are not as you stated "nonchalant'. I don't recall saying anywhere that it was OK to have an affair. I even went mentioned that I did not condone the behavior.