We have not been happy with how rushed our son's relationship with his ex/now gf has been going. He went over there last Wednesday night to stay with her and her mother. Not a good idea - he was warned. Thursday we saw him on video chat a few seconds and seemed okay. Friday, we called to speak with the child at 4:00 p.m. and they were in bed. Child was outside - I hope the grandmother was home. Child came in shortly after we called. Our son set up in bed and made some really odd, out of the blue comment and when we asked what - he repeated it again. She shushed him and laughed it off. So, we saw and heard from him less than a minute but we became extremely concerned. First thought - drugs! He has been on her meds before - pain pills and had a problem.
Saturday, her mother brought child to exchange to meet us. We did not hear from son or his gf. My husband and his brother called him later and were very bothered by how out-of-it he seemed. He didn't know child was gone, didn't know how long he had been there or what day it was. He argued with them....I told husband we could call the police for a well-check-up but we were just really mad that he went over there and within a couple of days he was this messed up. He has not been on drugs in a while.
Saturday night they went to a fireworks show. His friends saw them out and were very concerned at his behavior and look. He was falling asleep standing up...very confused, eyes dilated and rolling....once he ran around hunting for child frantically who was still with us. They called our oldest son about it later. She, the gf, was happy go lucky and laughing and having her friend take pics of them together. I have the pics, asked for them and she sent them to me.
Sunday my husband kept trying to call him and no answer. Oldest son tried. We tried to video chat..nothing. Tried the gf and she said she was busy and he was asleep. I told her to wake him up..no reply. Later, I was ready to call the police and have them conduct a well-care check-up as something was extremely wrong. Drugged or medical crisis, we had to know since this was day 3 and no information. Obviously they had to tell he was very messed up. As soon as we had decided to do that, gf called saying they were at ER and he had a UTI.
I told her that he had been out of it for three days and we wanted him home that day and would come after him. She brought him home - too late to get his prescription filled. He has no memory of this past weekend....still didn't know what day it was or how long he had been over there. We did a home drug kit on him and it was positive for a family of drugs used to treat anxiety, depression, muscle relaxers, etc.....So, husband and oldest son took him to the hospital and they confirmed it. She is on these types of meds - specifically xanax. Severe side effects for that include confusion, sleepiness, breathing issues....
Our son swears he never took anything. Either he took it or they were mixing it in something....and there is no proof of that. I am hoping he stays away from her and we have not told her we know about the drugs. She had told us that she knew for a fact he was not taking her drugs, she never gave him any and he could not get to them. However, he had no money when he left to go there last week and was fine...UTI can make you confused, usually in older people but not out of the question in the young...but, we were right in our thinking that he had drugs in him.
I don't know what he will do...I feel if he continues the relationship that is a sure sign that he willingly took those pills. I would not go back to someone that drugged me....
would he take one of those at home drug tests if you asked him to? Here we can get them at Walgreens or Rite Aid or CVS.
He did take the one at home willingly - no complaints or hesitation. It was positive for one drug and looked possible for two other drug families. So...wanting to know for sure, that is why they took him to the hospital. He again, went completely willingly. I think he was almost aware of how out of it he had been. Now, we could not get his medicine filled until today and he was not nearly as confused today. I would think if it was only the UTI causing the confusion, he would not be better until he had at least a 24 hour dose in him - and certainly not before he even took the medicine.
She has called at least 8 times today, texted constantly, and been sending messages on FB. That's just to me...I know she talked at least twice to him. After dinner, she kept calling and texting that she needed to speak to him and even told my husband if he was asleep he needed to wake up so she could talk to him. Whatever it was - he is better, but not enough to be making any serious decisions or opinions.
I think she's setting him up to lose any chance of custody. Taking him around others and getting pictures as evidence.
I agree - but until Grandma/Dipper can get son to understand, what does Grandma do? She is on the legal documents.
I think the fact that he took the tests willingly and seemed confused as to what had happened speaks in his favor. Not sure why some men are attracted to crazy. My oldest was. Fortunately, he has a cousin (5 years younger than him) who has a knack for spotting crazy and told Chris he could do so much better. We went through two crazies (the second of which lasted a few years). We really did try to give the second one a chance but I finally just told Chris outright: "Your potential spouse should be bringing out the best in you and encouraging you to be better. A better man, a better worker, a better volunteer, a better student, a better whatever you are at the time. The two of you bring out the worst in each other. People are reluctant to be around y'all because together you're toxic. Listen to Cody." Chris left NC to attend school/training in Utah. In what I believe was an effort to get him back, A broke up with him after he'd been gone a while and it was clear he had no money to send her. He called me crying and telling me that he wanted to come home. I told him he'd regret it but if he could come up with the money to buy a plane ticket, he was welcomed to live his life as he saw fit. He finally saw what everyone else saw and by the time he came home for Christmas, he was over her. She met him at the airport and tried to hug him and tried to spend time with him while he was home. When that didn't work, she tried to get him to hit her. Luckily I as well has his cousin and a friend of mine had warned him to never be alone with her as she would either try to seduce him or frame him - whichever she could do. I believe if given the chance, she would have gotten pregnant to trap him.
Anyway, pray that he sees the truth. He's got to see her for the toxin she is for himself. Someone who is willing to give him medication not intended for him is clearly NOT out for his best interest nor is trying to bring out the best in him. And someone who is not interested in the well-being of her own child. I got lucky in that my youngest having a child at 20 could have scared him into running away from responsibility, instead, he ran to it and embraced it. He's far from perfect but he's working on it. Maybe this is something that will snap Dipper's son into reality. This is life, it's not a game. I believe if he's not put in a position of having to defend her and he can think on the situation, he'll see the truth.
Okay, the drama completely blew up this evening. I cannot even begin to say how ticked off I am at my son. He really threw us under the bus because he obviously has no balls. I don't even know how this unfolded....but, we took child back to exchange today at 6:00 p.m. Talked with the mother a little, everything nice, we have not treated anyone any different since finding out son had drugs in his system. I have not even discussed with my son what I thought he should do, my opinion - and neither had his biological mom whom I have been speaking with alot about this matter. My husband and oldest son have told him that he should not go back around them if he is saying they spiked his food/drink. Within 30 minutes of the exchange today - the mother texted me saying she needed to know why we were upset with her...that son told her that we had took him to the hospital Sunday night and he would let us explain to her why we were upset.
So....I replied with what had transpired and how we knew something was wrong with him - more than a UTI, and we were right. I stressed that we were not accusing anyone; he said he did not take the drugs. Then her mother called. The grandmother was very calm while the mother/gf was crying hysterically in the background. In less than 3 minutes after my stating he had drugs in his system she had discovered that he had stole around 50 Xanax and 80 Tramadol out of her pills that are kept in her pocket book. Sunday she had assured me that there was NO possibility of him getting drugs at her house..that she kept her pills in her pocket book and that she knows he did not get any. She said that if he had drugs he had to bring them with him when he came there.
I questioned how these are drugs she should be taking these meds - and I had expressed concern that he had took drugs - and she just realized this afternoon that they are missing. Her mother said she does not take her Xanax everyday because it makes her too sleepy when she has child. Her therapist said it was okay to take as needed. Okay, but she has had these pills for 3 months and only took 10 - and has been posting about being in a bipolar depression for days now????
Anyway, the grandmother repeatedly and calmly stated how she had no idea he had a past with pain pill addiction and had no concern that he was high when there. Which is not true...they were going to accuse him of various drug use in court last year, but then settled with us.
I feel like running over son with a tank, but I was very firm that I did not believe he stole 130 pills and took them without overdosing or anyone noticing. As messed up as he was from Friday through yesterday, I do not feel he could have took any pills after Friday morning on his own - he did not have the sense to hide them or take them without being noticed. If you know him - he cannot do anything on his best days without spilling it or dropping it. I told them that saying the drugs are missing does not mean he took them without their knowledge...and that anyone could tell he was high. The grandmother stated she would not have let him take child outside to play Friday had she known.....and that he is not welcome to spend the night at her house but we are welcome to 'visit' child there and bring him.
The mother of child never spoke to us directly during this entire exchange. Later, she called us on messenger to video chat with child and said she would call us in the morning to speak after child woke up. She has been posting away on fb with love posts. He called my husband and said she called him and told him that everything was fine, not to worry about it.
Okay....this is completely crazy. I am very straight laced. So, this situation is beyond me. I am terrified that they will have him arrested and seek emergency custody of child. It's his word against their word - but, he seems to want to be with gf so badly that he will do anything. And, if she is serious that he stole 130 pills, I think it is nuts that she is simply willing to excuse it. Neither one of them is good for child. Either because he was drugged by her and her mom and he doesn't seem to really care.....or he stole the drugs and she is willing to just overlook it. And her mother just says how daughter is such a good mother....no she is not. She lies around under a blanket all day as others take care of child. And she should be taking her meds more often since she has bipolar disorder, anxiety, OCD, and depression. 10 pills in 3 months?
But here is where I am at - what do we do? Do we wait to see if they file an emergency court order on the grounds of substance abuse? Do we file for it against him as well as them? All we know for sure is he had xanax or some type of benzo in his system. Turns out tramadol would not show up on the tox report. There is simply no way that they missed he was high..and they did send him out to play with child in yard. They may even be negligent as they did nothing to seek medical care for him though they admit he was confused and out of it for two days - took him to the ER on the third day. And now...the mother is acting like she wants him at all costs. Child sleeps in the same room as mother - so she was completely exposed to his behavior until Saturday morning.
I don't know what to do...I feel like we have missed so many opportunities in the past. I don't want to push and make things worse. I have no control over it, but if I could have my wish we would all simply get along and they would stay away from each other. If within weeks of them getting back together..we are here, nothing has changed. Child just got used to parents being together (she is 2 1/2) and now there is all this drama. They will never have stability long....
if they file -- since you two are on the order, wouldn't it be them against your son AND you two?
if you file, I think it would be to remove son's parental rights....and to have the other side drug tested before an exchange.
And right now it's just about 50/50 right?
I agree. Go for emergency custody as son tested positive for drugs while being with mother. Ask for a test on mom too. Use medical records as evidence. Maybe go for full custody since they are together doing drugs. Son does not live with you full time right? Maybe tell him he needs to go to program.
As far a bio mom meds, doctors do prescribe anxiety pills as needed. So she may have a bottle as "just in case" and many calm them too much and get sleepy so that sounds right.
Also think that you do too much talking to other side. Business deal type talk, answer questions that need answers, ignore rest. No big talks as you can not trust them especially if you are on your way back to court.
What a mess, but child comes first even before son at this point.
About this "talking to the other side" -- they're the ones shooting themselves in the foot....so I'd let them talk.
I agree let THEM talk but do not give any info from your side. She admitted to son's drug use to them and they didn't know (or didnt know she knew or had positive test from hospital). They will be sure to use that the next go around in court. If she wants to let the courts know and try for custody let them find out when papers are served.
yep yep yep....Got that Dipper?
Thank you ladies!! I did admit to the drug testing. What son had told the bio mom was that we took him to the hospital and he had 'stuff' in his system that was not right. I do agree that I probably let on too much in talking with them as the conversation went on for over 35 minutes. I actually had to finally say - well, this is going down the drain and I simply hope that we can all continue to do what's best for child. I will see you Saturday morning.
I was concerned with trying to get Emergency custody since the bio mom still lives with her mother, who is on order as well. She was also in the household all days son was there and claims she had no idea he was high, thought he was ill because he was so confused and sleepy. So, she admits something was glaringly wrong and she did nothing. But, son and the bm are just over the top pushing their love story now. She even posted to him a few minutes ago that she loves him. This after claiming he stole meds from her....I call this gold.
But, here is what occurred to me this morning...as long as she lives with her mother, it can be trickier in court. Son says she is begging him to get a place, saying she does not want to live with her mother...and since mother doesn't want him staying anymore and our oldest son says she cannot come over there...they will have to find a place. That is probably the time to strike...because they will not have any support for child if they live on their own. If they attempt to move in their own place, I feel certain we will seek emergency custody and full custody going forward.
Also...this was a thought and my husband and son's mother think this is a good route to go. Oldest son does not like the gf/bm because of how bad she was in past and now this newest situation. However, other son lives with him. We are going to meet with oldest son tomorrow afternoon to discuss allowing her to move in - with an agreement in place. The agreement would require them cleaning the downstairs of the house (it's a disaster), fixing up the two bedrooms, and buying a refrigerator before moving in. They would also have to buy a 12 drug testing kit to give to oldest son to keep....and sons' mother is willing to buy a lock box for the bm to lock away all her medication in. She will be given a key and have to promise to keep the key away from son. If he does get into the drugs, she is taking responsibility. This will also ensure child does not get into them. Of course they will have to pay their part of rent and electricity as well. If oldest son suspects at anytime son is high, he has to submit to a drug test (the kit they will buy in advance). If he comes up positive, they will have 2 weeks to move out. And......all of this will be more documentation. We do not approve of them being together or any drug use, but we feel that if we cannot stop this toxic relationship...maybe we can put some stipulations to try to halt or slow down the addiction. And of course, if they fail to clean up their act, then we can seek the emergency order. It allows the biological parents the chance to straighten up but with supervision.
I still feel really concerned about child being alone with them at any time..and husband and I will still expect to have child with us just as we do now. If we don't go after them right now...will that look bad on us in the future? I do not want it to appear that we are putting child at risk...she is our number one priority but we know we have to consider what the courts will actually do with the information we have.