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Main Forums => Father's Issues => Topic started by: superdad01 on May 01, 2017, 08:18:01 PM

Title: So child is 15 now...
Post by: superdad01 on May 01, 2017, 08:18:01 PM
Our child is 15 now, and is getting kinda sketchy on the weekend parenting time. sometimes it comes with a lame excuse and other times just says I don't wanna come. we have had a few occasions where school functions interrupted my scheduled parenting time.

Mom is saying its her choice to come and child believes that it is in fact her choice.  Ive been trying to avoid going to court, but I feel I'm going to have to start filing complaints etc.

My feeling is mom is encouraging the missed parenting time to try and go back to court to change our custody labels. I do in fact have joint physical custody. so I'm kind of wondering if child is missing  court ordered parenting time for whatever reason would be court be willing to go back in and say, your going to lose your joint custody.,
Title: Re: So child is 15 now...
Post by: ocean on May 02, 2017, 05:18:07 AM
15 is tough age and the child will usually have a say at that age. The courts will probably change custody if you went back to court. Maybe have talk with child about how to make it work, shorten weekends, with you and able to see friends and do school activities, different days during week , shorten times during school year, longer in summer (maybe get a summer job by you). Work with her as now you are going toward a relationship with child and away using ex. Depending on what state you are in , this could affect child support also if you went back to court. Try to settle things out of court and tell child that you know she has a social life and you want to be apart of her life too. Next time she is with you, have a chat then go back to ex and try to work it out.
Good luck!
Title: Re: So child is 15 now...
Post by: MixedBag on May 02, 2017, 05:53:44 AM
I agree -- tricky age -- how far apart do you two live?

With my son, I pushed the issue -- we live long distance -- dad did not support a relationship with me from Day one of our split.  After the first years, we were in court a lot over parenting time because I pushed to enforce and stuff.  We lived 12 hours apart (my service took me away)....and once I retired, I made the extra effort to go see our son even when it wasn't my weekend when I knew there was a public opportunity.  Not often...but it happened.

SO...the first question becomes, how far apart do you two live?

What kind of relationship do you have with your daughter?  Fairly good?  up until now?
Title: Re: So child is 15 now...
Post by: superdad01 on May 02, 2017, 05:41:51 PM
were roughly 90 miles apart.   Long story short, had parenting time with child 10 out of every 14 days. kept pursuing week on week off parenting time as we both lived in the same city at the time. Finally got to the point I was going to get it and mom decided to move 90 miles away. Court would not allow it, so since she was moving for a "job" I would more then likely not be able to prevent her from moving, so we came to an agreement.  Well first she said if you let me move you won't have to pay child support. I  said, NO I want joint physical/legal and she did not want them words in there, so I said see ya in court. with her running out of time she eventually agreed. This was in 2010.

we've had some flare ups from time to time. A bogus cps case which was dropped due to zero evidence. But I think that was mom's first attempt to try and change the order while trying to look innocent.  Now it's child don't want to come and it's her choice. She told me she wants me to have a good relationship with child... (I almost died laughing when she said this.)

My relationship with child is strange. You can think you had a good weekend together and next thing ya know she is really upset about something out of the blue and dont want to come the visit the next time. I don't get it.  Most of the time child comes here with the intention of not having a good time and wanting to spend time with everyone except me.  Lately her issues have been more focused on my fiance of 10 years. She used to like her more then me, but ever since the cps issue my fiance took that very personally and my daughter is not her favorite person. They have minimal conversation and i'm sure that it helping to contribute to our current on going situation.   (I'll take advice for this one too)

The constant theme is pretty much that mom is the most important person in her world. In fact nothing comes before mom.  Ive been dealing with that forever. She just wants to be with mom and nothing else really matters.

Just this last weekend we had a strange situation happen. I got a text from mom asking if she could drop her off. I didn't realize it was not my weekend. so I just said sure no problem. (Now in 14 years of court orders this has never happened.) She has never gave me a extra weekend or gotten confused on weekends.  so she drops child off. we did mention that it was not our weekend and the child said its not a problem with her. She was also unusually cheery. we had plans that night in which we invited child to go with us.. she did not want to.  we were only going to be gone a few hours so we took her over her favorite grandmas house.

Next thing I know I get a text from mom saying She wants to come home. and Mom is on her way to pick her up.

Were located in Michigan. Since it was mom's idea to no child support in order what are chances she could say she wants it now. I think her plan is to try and get it now. and change the custody labels.  She should earn more then me as she is a registered nurse so Im not sure if we will still just go by overnights or not.
Title: Re: So child is 15 now...
Post by: MixedBag on May 03, 2017, 07:11:16 AM
Oh that threat....that issue of Child Support....YES, it can happen at any time.

Get yourself a copy of Divorce Poison -- I feel like such a broken record and his biggest advertiser advocate, but boy did that book help my family.  It was the best $10 ever spent.

15.....stinky sucky age even for an intact family. 

So what would I do?  Even though school is almost over, .... if she's involved in stuff in school, I would make time to go see her in action.  For a few more years, and those years will be over before you know it, take time, drive 90 miles in her direction, maybe even to just have dinner, and then go back.  Accept shorter times with your child and find a balance.

I had to figure stuff out that my son likes -- and dad will say I bribed him to come south and spend time with me -- and sorta he's right.  Long term result is that we have a relationship and overcame the hurdle of those years.  We also did some "crazy" things -- like I flew our son into Atlanta and I drove to Atlanta....we had about a 3 hour lunch where we sat and talked and then he flew back that night and I drove home.  That's a 2 1/2 hour drive for way.  But our son remembers that.....

The "thought we had a good weekend" and find out later you didn't -- yea, that's covered in Divorce Poison.  Many times in order to emotionally survive in their main home, the child has to say something negative about their time with the other parent whether it's true or not.  You can nip this in the butt -- if you give your child an out during your time....acknowledge that this is tough on her too and you don't want her caught in the to her.  But not in a sit down hour long session, those words to build her confidence has to be a tad bit here and a tad bit there....

Title: Re: So child is 15 now...
Post by: tigger on May 03, 2017, 12:45:33 PM
That's a 2 1/2 hour drive for way.  But our son remembers that.....

Best weapon against "your other parent doesn't care" or "you aren't a priority to your other parent" is the memories.  Even with my oldest son, who I thought would be the one who would never get suckered into the lies, fell for them.  He turned 16 and got angrier and angrier with me.  He moved out and moved in with his dad and SM.  Things kept building.  He made accusations about me.  Unfortunately for him he picked my biggest fan (my aunt) to vent to.  She was gentle though.  She took him back to all the times I took him fishing.  Yeah, me, the person who hates fishing.  The times I took him camping.  Me, the person who hates camping.  I'm the one who took off work to make sure he could go places and do things including picking him up from his driver's ed classes (30 minutes out of my way) on his dad's days because even though his was off work WAY before I was, he couldn't be bothered. 

Memories. Just be sure to get photos of those memories because the other parent can downplay to quantity and quality of those memory making moments but photos will trigger the memories more vividly and overcome the lies.
Title: Re: So child is 15 now...
Post by: superdad01 on May 03, 2017, 08:05:38 PM
One thing Ive noticed is things she tends to get here, shoes etc stay here. she never wants to take them home with her.  perhaps its a memory of this house I don't know.

so I'm really going back and forth on filing at least a complaint for missed parenting time. I have done so several times in the past and every single time absolutely nothing happened. I'm trying to be open minded but also want things documented in case we do go back to court. Any suggestions
Title: Re: So child is 15 now...
Post by: MixedBag on May 04, 2017, 06:41:04 AM
This is where you pick and choose your battles and what you wanna fight.

Different approaches work for different families.

My son's time with me was long when we missed a weekend or a summer -- that was huge and I filed.  It took a few rounds, but in the end, the judge saw Dad's true colors and the orders were in my favor.

90 miles to me is a different situation -- with a different history.....  Once I picked  up our son on a weekend, we had a 5 hour drive to get to my brother's home to stay.  That was a really sweet time for just "US" -- cause what else is there to do except talk, listen to the raido, or maybe talk again.  with all the technology gadgets out there now....that is another option.  But you only have 90 miles -- think "90 miles of her undivided attention" potentially....

See if daughter is willing to make "let's do dinner" in her town or lunch....and that's that.  Heck at 16 she might wanna get a job and throw that into the mix.  You might need to "adjust" your expectations more towards "emancipation" in your case early....but still insist on "We need some us time, please"   Once my custodial girls turned 16....and had a job....even our time coming and going at home was reduced big time -- practically to all of us getting ready for the day in the morning.  Life happens....and we all need to adjust.

Kinda follow her lead as long as it doesn't result in "NO" time with dad....and enjoy the fact that your child is growing up and starting to sprout her own wings......a bit sooner than you'd like because we never want them to grow up on many days and on other days its "hasn't kindergarden started yet?"  or "isn't the summer school vacation over yet?"....

Some of this is on Mom -- ABSOLUTELY.....but some of this is simply 15 years old....
Title: Re: So child is 15 now...
Post by: tigger on May 04, 2017, 09:31:29 AM
One thing Ive noticed is things she tends to get here, shoes etc stay here. she never wants to take them home with her.  perhaps its a memory of this house I don't know.

Honestly, that sounds like perhaps Mom does something with the items that she brings from your home.  Or at the least, makes snide comments about them.  It's likely her way of protecting herself from her mom making things difficult for her. 
Title: Re: So child is 15 now...
Post by: MixedBag on May 04, 2017, 01:57:20 PM
So totally agree with you on that on Tigger!
Title: Re: So child is 15 now...
Post by: ocean on May 04, 2017, 02:24:05 PM
I agree ...and filing in case you go back to court...probably done with that too. Like they said, daughter can easily get a job, after school activities or sports that take over there non-school time. If you go back to court anymore the judge will prob talk to daughter and take her wants first especially if mom gets her a job or other school related things are going on. Mom will be made custodial and you may be paying child support. Judge will not change schools and give you primary at this point without child saying with a loud voice they want that to happen. SO....pick you battles, lots of smaller options you can do. Also, text every other day at least, hi, how is your day going? or hi, do you want me to come get you for dinner this tuesday ? (let her bring a friend at times too). Teen social life comes first now for the next few years even for intact families. Embrace the change and work with daughter on a soon to be adult relationship as soon ex will not be so involved and you wont have to go through ex soon.
Good luck!
Title: Re: So child is 15 now...
Post by: tigger on May 04, 2017, 02:55:18 PM
Another thought . . . which may sound like game playing but it really isn't . . . in terms of changing the relationship from parent/child to father/teen daughter . . . start talking with her about her ideas regarding the future.  Word of caution, when I say "talk", I don't mean lecture.  Ask her ideas and thoughts.  Let her speak, even if internally you are rolling your eyes and thinking :"That'll never work."  Let her voice her ideas without judgement.  She's gonna be a model and be famous and travel the world.  Great.  What does that look like in the future?  How would you make that happen?  Her plans will change and evolve and if she knows that you won't judge her, you'll be a safe place to discuss ideas, especially as they become more realistic and practical.
Title: Re: So child is 15 now...
Post by: MixedBag on May 05, 2017, 06:02:18 AM
Very good point.  Teens are all about themselves....and when you get them to talk then the walls come down.

Exact thing I did with our son after he quit talking to me and we went to court and then the next weekend after that with him, I thought he became a brick wall.

We went to lunch....he didn't want to eat.

We went to Walmart and walked around....and I started asking "What can I do for Christmas?"....and that got him talking.

By the end of the day....guard was back down.....and life went on.  But I had to make the conversation about him FIRST.  Sucked....but it worked.
Title: Re: So child is 15 now...
Post by: superdad01 on May 08, 2017, 08:06:15 PM
Child dident want to come again this weekend. Funny thing is I called her on Thurs and had a good convo with her. Diden't talk about anything stressful and next thing I know I get a text on friday saying she dident want to come down.  so frustrating. Im really wrestling with filing these complaints. looks like Im gonna have to start doing something. Her mom was texting me saying it wont get fixed overnight... it'll prob be months. I can honestly say I dont trust her.  they are up to something. i know their ultimate goal is to change the order.
Title: Re: So child is 15 now...
Post by: MixedBag on May 09, 2017, 06:03:09 AM
Well, this weekend coming up is Mother's scratch that one too.

When you get a text like that -- see if child will agree to you coming there and simply doing lunch. 

In your texts to mom, you have to be consistent and say I disagree that this is a good choice, period.

See if you can line up a mid-week's a lot of driving, but this is your child.  Gas is not that expensive, time flies and they are emancipated....time to make some adjustments to see if you can turn this around.
Title: Re: So child is 15 now...
Post by: ocean on May 09, 2017, 02:48:00 PM
I agree, say well I will give into no weekend this week but I am coming friday night to pick you up for dinner at least then next weekend with me I will be picking you up for weekend so we can spend some time together , what do you want to do? do you want to invite a friend or cousin to come with you?

If you take this to court, you may lose and big too. Judge will side with child at this point and then ex will ask that child support reflect the change. Be careful, document , document but filing in court may back fire on you.
Title: Re: So child is 15 now...
Post by: superdad01 on May 10, 2017, 08:01:58 PM
Well mom asked for no child support in our agreement to allow her to move. I'm just asking for visitation to be enforced.  if it gets to the point where she just dont want to come then fine. leave it on a verbal basis. No need to change the entire order.

At the same time I feel like the goal is for me to do nothing and that in turn will bite me in the ass. Dad never complained about not losing visitation so he must not care about it.

texted child last night finally got a reply at 10:30pm  (her bed time is 930pm)  she says she thinks she needs to just be away for a while...

Im so frustrated because I honestly see no reason for this behavior. Even if there was a event where I could say ok I know why she is mad etc. I could understand. this stuff comes out the blue.

Taken from expert
In some states, where a denial of access is extreme, a court may suspend child support until issues of access are resolved. In most states, child support and access to the children are treated separately. Either way, the court will expect that its child support order will be followed unless and until it modifies that order, and a parent who is not obeying the court's order is in a weaker position to complain about the other parent's non-compliance, and may cause the court to question their motives – whether they're truly concerned about contact, or whether their primary concern is financial.
Title: Re: So child is 15 now...
Post by: ocean on May 11, 2017, 03:03:43 PM
Once it goes to court, no more verbal option. You will file violation order, she will counter with custody/child support order. Even in extreme PAS situations rarely does child support get suspended. It looks good on paper but is rarely implemented. Judge will say that child still needs to have shelter and food even when there is this "crisis"

Text child "hey, i know you dont want to come here for long periods, but I miss you and want to see you for at least a dinner visit. I will come next friday on my weekend and we can just spend dinner together. I can be there at xx pm and you pick the place.  Then text ex and state "i text daughter, I will be exercising my visitation next weekend but will just take her for dinner to improve communications with her. I will be there at xx time" Make it the court ordered time, then if you really want you can file a police report showing you were there and she refused to come.

Can also try making a counseling appointmnet in her area or by you if you get her to come and mediate through a counselor with just daughter and you.

Good luck!
Title: Re: So child is 15 now...
Post by: superdad01 on May 11, 2017, 07:58:02 PM
I was just thinking of filing a complaint at the friend of court. she will have to answer that. Filed numerous complaints before and nothing ever happened. But at least I have a record of it.