My boyfriend is going through serious issues with his son's mother. She won't let him see his son (11mo.) outside of her home (which she shares with her mother and son) unsupervised because she says he is "unfit" to care for him alone. She bases this on the fact that the first time she left them alone for a few hours, his son went on a crying jag and my bf didn't know what to do so he called the grandmother for advice. One other time he fell asleep while the baby was napping and didn't hear him crying when he awoke. That's it. Who hasn't done that? She continues to rake these incidents through the mud when he asks to take his son to his house, but won't give him the opportunity to prove her accusations wrong. If I'm not mistaken, this is no grounds to deny him unsupervised visits, correct?
Last summer when he was overseas, he told her he would send her $500 for the baby. While he didn't send it then, upon his return to the States a month later, he moved in with her and took care of both of them for almost 2 mo. (incl. rent, groc., gas, baby supplies, etc.). He soon moved out and began sending her $50/wk in support, as agreed. She still says he owes her the $500. Didn't he make up for that already? Because of this, she calls him a "deadbeat" in the CS arena.
They have no CO in effect, though my bf is looking to establish one. When he mentioned to her that he was going to seek legal council, she told him not to come by, call or even "darken her doorstep" until he had papers in hand. Isn't that now completely denying him visitations? He's trying to be the best father that he can, but she's thwarting his efforts. Would she have a leg to stand on if this went to court? Isn't the onus on her to prove his "unfittness" and "non-support"? All he wants is to spend private time with his son. What does he have to prove?
My husband is still going through the same thing your BF is going through,its going to be almost three years since his son was born and he still doesn't have the right to see him,though he pays child support. Has he already proven that he is the father, and paying child support. If he doesn't have an attorney one,he should get one because he is really going to need one. Fathers don't have the best thing on being with their children, the current system that we have makes it kind of difficult to be a true father and you have to fight for it, and its even harder when the sons mother is not in the best position to help the father or at least allow the father to be with their son. Its hard but if you stick with it,it will work.
Hi,
Sorry for that trouble he's going through. You may want to seriously consider if you want a life with this guy, because it's clear your future will be filled with the chaos of an uncooperative mother.
That said, here's what he needs to do in my layperson opinion:
1. Ignore her about past money agreements made unless it's a court order. The court won't care what agreements either of them made or broke.
2. File a petition for paternity in the Superior Court of the county where the baby resides. Ask for immediate temporary orders of reasonable supervision (e.g., outline a schedule like 8 hours every Saturday, 4 hours on late afternoons of Tues/Thurs; with a step-up in four months to 8am Saturday to 8am Sunday).
3. In his filing for paternity, he should write a declaration that focuses on the facts of why he's the father and everything he's done to be involved in son's life. Get someone like a pastor, rabbi, employer, teacher, etc to write a brief declaration on his character and devotion to his son.
4. Immediately, and without necessarily telling anyone right now, he should take some parent classes. He may complete them by the time the court hearing takes place months later (i.e., he probably won't get a court hearing for a couple months after he files), and so he'll be able to show that he proactively educated himself as a parent (judge will like this). At the very worst, he'll learn more effective parenting skills.
5. He should understand that until someone files for paternity, the mother is the only parent with legal rights. So, yes, she CAN do what she's doing.
6. Be prepared to pay child support that goes back to the date of the first filing (i.e., set money aside every month in case the judge makes the CS retroactive to the filing date). Judge can't order any back payment of child support prior to the initial filing date.
7. Find out if the courthouse has a family law help center. They don't give legal advice, but they can help him fill out forms.
8. Tell him to start reading the articles on this website. Ignorance of how the system works will be his biggest enemy.
9. Tell him to come to this sort of message board, rather than you. While I understand your concern, you're not stepmom, and you have no relation to this child. This should be his issue, and your best role is to support him in his challenging path ahead.
Best wishes,
DD
'9. Tell him to come to this sort of message board, rather
than you. While I understand your concern, you're not
stepmom, and you have no relation to this child. This should
be his issue, and your best role is to support him in his
challenging path ahead.'
DD, now you're starting to sound like the guys over on Dad's Divorce! ;-)
Seriously, it's a lot of great advice, but I'd also include getting DNA testing, just to solidify the deal.
Until he can get to court and get some Court Orders in place, she holds all the cards.
Get a good Family Law attorney. Sounds like she is controling. If it were me, I would continue to see my son. Even supervised, it will show the judge his commitment to the child. A lengthy time between visits might call for supervised visitation thru the court.
Any child support, clearly mark, and keep track of it. When he goes for visitation, she will go for CS.
She does not have to prove anything. Her word alone will be heard. It's on uphill battle all the way. You BF has rights, but he'll have to fight like hell.
Start documenting and keep the times on a time tracker, either from this site or Parenting time.net. Document all contact and denials. Phone calls, everything.
Don't make promises he can not keep and do not sign anything. From now on he will need to keep this child in the fore front and take the high road. The courts will look at the best interests of the child.
Thanks for the advice, DD, it will come in handy over the next few battles (I mean months...). I only have 2 things to voice back on:
1. I wouldn't consider walking away from this man even if someone paid me. Good men are hard to come by and we can't let evil women destroy them. They need good supportive women like myself to help them get through.
2. I have directed him to this site and he is reading through it. I just have a little more time on my hands (love my job!) to get information.
Well, there are others with more info for me, so I bid you adieu...
"Get a good Family Law attorney. Sounds like she is
controling. If it were me, I would continue to see my son.
Even supervised, it will show the judge his commitment to the
child. A lengthy time between visits might call for
supervised visitation thru the court."
Problem with getting an atty: He's a full-time student (GI Bill) looking for a part-time job (to ensure cs is paid in full). He doesn't have the money to get an atty. Being that I've been through custody issues myself, I know how expensive they can be and Legal Aide only assists custodial parents (that floored me!).
He accepts the supv visits, but isn't satisfied with it. Worse yet, he can only visit when she says he can! It doesn't matter how much advance notice he gives her, most likely she'll just say "maybe". But then she'll call him out of no where and say "If you want to see him, come now". If he says he's not available, she badmouths him. She puppets him, but he'd rather see his son than rebuke her control. He can't win!
I am very new to this awesome website and have found it to be extremely helpful. I am also wanting to warn you as a step mom, that what you are facing now will never go away until that baby is 18 years old. I was extemely strong and supportive in the beginning for my husband and then we had a child together and everything changes. The other womans gets nastier and the stuff begins to fly. I will state that this will never end and think long and hard about what you are about to get into with him. I do not mean to sound very negative but you can read my other posting and see that we DO have custody of my step daughter but each day is filled with new and suprising details that will test every inch of you relationship. Be very careful and document everything that you can, no matter how small you think it is. Just know that Dad's get the absolute, most horrible, bum wrap in my opinion when it comes to support and visitatin with their children. Think about it, you know how women can be. Just follow any advice offered here and contact a legal advisor and start from there. BUT PLEASE KEEP IN MIND...I was just like you and I am still supporting my husband and "our daughter" but at times I am going to be honest....I wish I would have someone tell me what I have told you. Please do not think that I am trying to tell you to leave you wonderful guy, just make sure you are prepared, physically and MENTALLY!
Hope everything works out for you and stay strong! AggieMom in Texas
This case sounds like a lot of he said/she said. He really needs to file,, and be prepared to face a back support order. In any case,, get him into a parenting class, tell him in all of his dealings,, he is remain calm, never raise his voice and to always alway always document.
Tips For Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm
How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm
Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm
Success Factors In Obtaining Custody
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.htm
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/missed-visit.htm
One of the first things you'll hear around here is "Document, document, document!". Having good records is *crucial*. Get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) at: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tracker.htm or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at: http://www.parentingtime.net. The PTT is good, but the OPTIMAL service is definitely better.
You may not even still be reading this but i am here to tell you from excprience that will take more then a few moths for this to settle. My husband and I have been married for three years and we are still going through some sh** with his daughter's mother. If you really love this stand by him he will truley need your help and support.
*~Mandi~*
Yes, I'm still reading! I know its going to be a long haul, simply judging on her current behavior. I was once that "pain in the azz" that she's being right now, but I was adult enough to realize that it was a fruitless endeavor. I can only pray she'll eventually see it that way, but at the same time, I'm pretty sure she won't. And since I'm in this far, I don't see running away anytime soon. Thanks!
Hi again,
If you're in it for the long haul, here are a couple more things I'd suggest.
The best child custody book out there is called "win your custody war" by Charlotte Hardwick.
I've read dozens of books over the past few years, and that's an excellent, thorough, all-encompassing (600 pages!) book. Spend the $80 on that one, rather than on several others.
Given that you want to stick around with him...
You have the potential to really help your boyfriend in his child custody battle by becoming his wife. It shows his ability to commit, gives the appearance of stability, and assures biased judges that there's still a woman around when dad is spending time with the child.
Marriage isn't something into which y'all want to rush. But if you're together for 18 to 24 months, it will be a natural and smart move to do the marriage thing.
If you have a high-conflict custody case on your hands, it's likely you won't have resolution within 2 years on some of the major issues.
It can take that long for judges to really understand the pattern of each parent's behavior. In the short-term, a "he said she said" is impossible to make sense of, but in the long-term, each parent's contribution to the conflict starts to become evident.
Best,
DD
tell B/F not to give her cash, if he pays monies to her make sure it is checks or money orders with CHILD SUPPORT listed on it, since he does not have a court order they will or could considered all monies paid as a gift.
Have B/F take and infant cpr and parenting classes.
He needs to get paternity established and visitation set up, then if she denies visitation she will be in contempt of court and he could file contempt and request time be made up.
Always pd in money orders and kept all receipts. He's finally got paperwork done at the courthouse and mediation/hearing dates are on the books. The Legal Advisor at the courthouse told him he neither had to establish paternity nor take parenting classes. I would assume she was the foremost authority on it...
We're working on his strategy and "script" for mediation now... Since I've got two "been there done that" hat and tshirts for this, I kinda have an idea of how to go about it, but any suggestions are greatly appreciated!!
We just hired our 3rd lawyer, so if you guys have not found one yet, please make sure that you find a female and one that deals with child custody only or family law. She informed us today that we have a good case, but as always it will be a long, emotional haul. Keep up the good work. There should be more concerned step paretns like us.
*~Mandi~*
Even if parenting classes are not required it will look better that your b/f took these classes.
I know in my state were children are invloved its now a law to take these classes, and heck it won't hurt to do it. I strongly suggest he does.
Document everything, everytime he attempts and is denied his child.
Best wishes