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Main Forums => Visitation Issues => Topic started by: lovemygirl on Jan 25, 2004, 12:31:15 PM

Post by: lovemygirl on Jan 25, 2004, 12:31:15 PM
My ex works during the sunday of his scheduled visits with our daughter. It upsets me be becuase he wont tell me his work schedule so that I can work around this issue. She spends time with his wife at home, it wouldn't upset me except for the fact sometimes my daugher just wants to come home and he tells me that his wife has a right to see her and the fact that it's she not a paid babysitter make it so I don't have right of first refusal. (in our decree both parents get it) I told him I don't mind our daughter being there with his new wife but if she wants to come home she should be able to. I think it's silly because those visits are there for him to spend time with her.  He also refuses to give me a work number or the location of the work place when I openly told him where I work and the number. Even if the law says that I don't have to I'd rather he have it incase of an emergency...
Post by: nosonew on Jan 25, 2004, 01:27:44 PM
Okay, this reply is from a sm, so bear with me.

As a sm, I love my ss with all of my heart.  Having the mother of the child tell me I can't spend one on one time bothers me greatly.  I need to build a relationship too, and when dad is away, I am NOT a babysitter, (paid or not), I am the PARENT in my home.  Albeit a step, and I truly hate that word, and in our home, it is Mom #1 (you) and the Other Mom, (ME).  

Dealing with ex's, steps, etc., is difficult enough for the parent, so you can imagine the toll it takes on the child.  If in any way, consciously or unconsciously you are telling the child she should come home if dad is away, you are putting her under alot of stress.  That is not fair to the child at all.  

I suggest you pick your battles more carefully.  This one is a loser, for everyone.  Exactly what harm is there for her to spend time with sm one on one?  You afraid she will like her more?  You afraid your daughter may come to love her?  Just remember this, YOU are her mother, always have been, always will be.  And don't feel insecure about being her mom, or you will always second guess yourself and what your daughter is feeling.  I totally believe that children should get as much love as possible.  And your relationship with the ex and stepmom could be greatly improved if you would just agree to disagree and perhaps even go so far as to ENCOURAGE the relationship to grow between sm and daughter.  Believe me, it will be to your benefit.  You see, my ss got sick of his mother interfering, and now he lives with dad.

I'm sure I have left out some important points, but I think you get the message.
Title: I knew I would think of something else!
Post by: nosonew on Jan 25, 2004, 01:33:07 PM
How about decreasing his child support obligations so he wouldn't HAVE to work on Sundays?  Now that one is a winner!  Problem solved!
Title: RE: eeek!
Post by: Indigo Mom on Jan 25, 2004, 02:22:04 PM
I like your first post, but the 2nd one i have to disagree with.  Not everyone works Monday Through Friday, 9-5.  

To assume he's working Sunday because his child support is too high...well, it's not right, considering she didn't mention CS at all in her post.  
Title: RE: eeek!--IM, you should know by now...
Post by: nosonew on Jan 25, 2004, 02:38:58 PM
that I said that out of sarcasm!  And Lordy do I know about work schedules! My hubby is on call 24/7, and I work 5a-6p 3xweekly. But, there are those out there complaining dad doesn't spend enough time with the kids, or isn't there because of working, yet dad has to work to pay the c.s., it was just a suggestion! Chill! Hee Hee
Title: RE: eeek!
Post by: lovemygirl on Jan 25, 2004, 05:29:07 PM
Let me iron a few things out. First of all I understand he works on Sunday's as I work some weekends too (monthly).  I just want to work something out with him so that he is home when she is there to visit him. What is sad is I actually like his wife better than him. So no I don't hate her nor am I afraid of my daughters relationship with her. I have told him countless times that he doesn't have to pay CS anymore. I wont stop visitations and I will sign what ever contract to hold me accoutable to that statement. I'm not sure why someone would have their child come to visit and then they aren't there. My daughter doesn't know how I feel I don't tell her about her dad or bash him in anyway.

I'm not asking for a bashing I'm asking if a non-custodial parent should be having a child visit when they aren't there and wont ever be there (no light at the end of tunnel) Is that really fair to the child? I don't think so.  thoughts?
Title: RE: eeek! (nosonew...your note is in here, too)
Post by: Indigo Mom on Jan 25, 2004, 05:41:00 PM
-----I'm not asking for a bashing -----

I wasn't bashing you.

But, here's what "I" think.  You said this...

-----What is sad is I actually like his wife better than him. -----

This, my dear, is your key to a better, more relaxed life.  I have a comommy for my oldest son.  What's funny, is she's not even with the father anymore.  When she left him because of his drinking/partying, the father bailed from my son...but she didn't.  Can you believe that?  She's still around!!!!!

I have to say...a comommy can be WONDERFUL!!!  You say you like her, so let the relationship bloom between your child and her.  (and YOUR relationship with her)  You never know when you're going to need her...or she's going to need you.

I understand why you'd want your child to come home if she's asking to...but...I also understand she has another mommytype to take care of her.  

You should take those Sundays and ENJOY.  Relax, enjoy the peace and're a parent...we don't get breaks too often, so if the stepmother is willing to spend that day with her...take it!!!

-----I'm not sure why someone would have their child come to visit and then they aren't there. -----

I don't either.  We'll never understand why weirdos do what they do.  Just roll with it.  She has two people who love her, take care of her, take TIME for her....even if one of those isn't her dad.

Now, nosonew...I didn't know you were joking.  LOLOL.  I'm sorry!!!!

Title: For nosonew...
Post by: sweetnsad on Jan 25, 2004, 05:49:46 PM
It's a good thing you explained yourself...I almost flamed you too..LOLOL!!!!  But seriously, I agree with IM and you for the most part here....If the child has a good relationship with SM and you like her as much as you say, relax!!!!  Enjoy...your daughter will pick up on it and relax too.

Take care and good luck...
Title: RE: 'ey mon.....
Post by: Indigo Mom on Jan 25, 2004, 05:56:41 PM
-----It's a good thing you explained yourself...I almost flamed you too..LOLOL!!!! -----

But, but but....I didn't flame her!!!  "flame you too" means you're saying I flamed her first!  I thought I was being nice!  Come on..."IF" I do flame someone, there's no mistakin' it!!!!!

don't make me flame you, sweetnsad....  ;)
Title: Ok, ok.!
Post by: sweetnsad on Jan 25, 2004, 07:32:52 PM
I back down!!!  
Post by: bananas on Jan 26, 2004, 01:12:07 PM
Maybe you could think of it in terms of families.  Your daughter has a family at your house, which includes you and whoever else lives there.  Your daughter has another family at her dad's house, which includes him and whoever else lives there.  It really doesn't matter that her dad isn't there, she is still spending time with family, and that's what's important.  I think that's very fair to a child.  Since you like his new wife, then it really shouldn't be an issue.  Let it go.  JMHO.
Post by: ConcernedCP on Jan 26, 2004, 01:49:14 PM
First, I agree with previous posters who have encouraged you to allow the relationship to foster between your daughter and her stepmom.  I've been a stepdaughter and a stepmom as well as a friend to my ss's bm.  I've seen my own mother and stepmom pull together when family tragedy struck after 10 years of openly expressed hostility.  

There was another issue you mentioned in your original post that wasn't addressed, however.

" He also refuses to give me a work number or the
>location of the work place when I openly told him where I work
>and the number. Even if the law says that I don't have to I'd
>rather he have it incase of an emergency... "

In later posts, I understood you to indicate that the NCP pays child support.  If he pays it through the courts (wage garnishment), they will have records of his employment, in which case, you can go to the courthouse (or cs enforcement agency) and see your files to get the employment information.  But I would caution you to use this ONLY in the case of emergency....the last thing you would want are harassment charges for contacting him at his employment.

Good luck!
Title: As the old saying goes..........
Post by: Kitty C. on Jan 26, 2004, 01:51:32 PM
'You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.'  You can talk till you're blue in the face, but if he refuses to budge, there's NOTHING you can do to change his mind.  It IS only up to him, since it is his time with her.  If your daughter has a good relationship with her SM, there's absolutely NO reason why she can't be there when her dad isn't.  

Begging solves nothing and only serves to create more animosity.  It may be that he's taking the stand he is because of your insistance on this issue.  It's his time, it's his decision.  And no, your daughter does NOT have the right to decide when and how long she can spend time with her dad or on his time.  It is NOT her choice.  Giving children that kind of responsibility is way too much for them. That's why a court order is in effect in the first place.  She needs to be reminded that you and her father are the ones who decide that, by MUTUAL agreement.  
Title: More power to you girl!
Post by: nosonew on Jan 26, 2004, 07:09:09 PM
Both parents should pay their fair share of raising a child.  Don't stop the cs, you will just regret it later if you fall on hard times.  And he is resp. to pay his portion (some people do pay WWAAAYYY more than they should though!).

But I think it is absolutely fantastic that you are willing to work with him regarding the schedule!! My hubbie would DIE to have you be his BM!  So would I!!!  

And folks, I believe I maybe was too sarcastic, didn't know the entire story, and since this was a sore spot with me (per my history) I may be the one she felt was blasting her here.  

So, that done, I hope you could perhaps talk with this woman, explain that YOU encourage a relationship with your child and her, however, you would really like for dad to be a bit more involved (she would most likely agree here), and work with her on a different schedule.  It never hurts to ask.  AND, as you two get "tighter" she would be more than happy to provide you will all contact info you request.  Everyone's happy.  

Hope all works for you, and it is wonderful to meet a NORMAL, healthy in the head biomom!!!! (besides myself of course! and IM, hee hee)
Post by: FrustratedWife on Jan 27, 2004, 11:55:44 AM
I read through all of the responses and although I too think you should take the day and enjoy....what I really wanted to point out was this---you are SO lucky you have a co-parent you like and SHE is so lucky to have you.

My husband's X hates me, won't acknowledge I exist. I can cook and clean and even pick her kids up for visitation, but I am nothing.
She refuses to call me their "stepmom", I am only "her". It causes so much stress for everyone. I would give anything to have a nice relationship with her and not be constantly in battle.

With that said..don't worry about your X. If he is working, let him work. My skids are here when my H works. It can't be helped.

Just be grateful you have a co-parent who loves your child and that child in their lives--instead of some women who want the kids to disappear.