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Main Forums => Visitation Issues => Topic started by: seb1670 on Jul 26, 2006, 08:44:01 AM

Title: Interesting Situation (Tried to be short in description) HELP!
Post by: seb1670 on Jul 26, 2006, 08:44:01 AM
CALIFORNIA

(apparently we have no custody/visitation agreement- but I have physical & legal for 6 years)

**I NEED information on Child Abandonment, and what's legally fair for RE-Introduction....**

I thought I was divorced for 6 years, then my X tells me she never finalized the divorce..... NOW, she's going for custody AND spousal support... We were married for 8 1/2 yrs. then another 6 years lapsed after that - before this bomb-shell information was brought to light.

She became a drug user during our marriage, and I left because of it. I have physical custody of the two boys and she pretty much abandoned them for 6 years. With very few phone calls and even less visitation.

In 6 years time, she has quit her jobs when found by Child Support and still refused to work. She has cheated on me (prior to our separation - WITH HER COUSIN) and Produced a child from that relationship 4 years ago. She has been supporting herself since her Cousin/Boyfriend went to Prison...

From what I understand she STILL has her driver's license. How is that Possible?

Somehow, a year or so ago, she was able to put a hold on the Child support case... She owes $32,000.00 in arrears - The Paperwork from the CSS states "Amount owed; RESERVED" What the heck does that mean?

She has not been there physically, emotionally, or any other way for the boys. She does not attempt to pick up the boys, she constantly calls and tells them she is then calls and tells them she isn't - trying to blame me.

The last time I let the kids go with her, she refused to tell me where they were - I threatened to call the police and pick them up if she didn't tell me - I followed through. The problem with that was SHE was supposed to come pick the boys up from my residence and then 3 days of drama ensued; she tried to find a relative to pick the boys up, that didn't work; she tried to find out about the bus; that didn't work..and so on... My GF and I told her she could stay at our house over night and I'd look over her car to make sure it's running ok, she refused. My GF offered to take the kids to her residence - provided she pay gas- she refused. we gave up on our end... then she decided to try to spend 160.00 on greyhound or something (wasn't paying attention to the drama anymore) when my GF told her to pay gas and she'll take the boys; X finally accepted- DRAMA - but, she was supposed to bring them back up after two weeks.. and seeing as how we had to involve the police, the boys didn't stay and we had to make the trip back to retrieve them.

She's asking for spousal support (after 6 years) and to have custody of ONE boy for the school year and 'switch' for the other one only during the summer, and both for one weekend a month - the first weekend.

We flat out refused. There is no way they should be split up to help her monetarily - that's the only reason she wants custody of only one... ON TOP OF admitting that she cannot handle both boys at the same time. The boys have a bond, they've grown up together. They've always been together.

Here's the stupid thing I did; I figured since she asked for spousal support, I would too. I also asked for attorney's fees, and whatever else I could ask for.


What I would like to do is RE-Introduce the children to their mother - speaking over the phone and actually being with the children ARE two different things... they don't really know each other...

I don't want to keep them away from her - and I NEVER have.

FACTS;
1. SHE Abandoned them FOR damn near 6 years.
2. She lives in a one bedroom apartment. The bathroom is located in that bedroom.
3. Oldest child is 13 1/2, younger child is 12. Both boys.  Her 3rd child is also a boy, age 4.
4. Boys already 'participate' in 'personal male activities' (erections, ect..)
5. She is unreliable - She says she'll show up and doesn't.
6. If she doesn't get her way - It's DRAMA all the way!
7. She yells at the boys constantly, then calls me to either come pick them up or help tell them to listen.
8. She makes negative comments about me to them. Telling them stories that didn't happen or twists the truth - always about the past. And lets others do it too.
9. She hasn't allowed them to ANSWER my phone calls (she has caller ID) when I call to talk to the boys.
10. She refused to tell me where the boys are when they have gone with her.
11. I have had to involve the police. I have done most of the driving.


Questions;

1.  Is any of this going to help me in court to retain custody?
What do I need to show to the Judge to prove that they have been with me for 6 years?

2.  How can I go about fighting the Spousal Support? She has been self-supporting the last 6 years (and has had another child during that time, so she's been supported by someone else since our separation.)

3.  Who do I need to Contact to have her License revoked?

4.  Who do I report her failure to file/pay taxes to?

5.  Where do I go to find a Police Record on her and the Cousin/Boyfriend who is in Prision now - What Information do I need?

6.  How do I be fair but not be taken advantage of by her/ the situation?

7.  What will the Judge look for in a better home environment for the boys?

8.  If I compromise on the Sole Physical/Legal Custody - Should I let the Judge decide what we get? Or should I suggest I keep Legal and agree to joint physical? What is better?

I want to keep physical and legal and residential custody....

I have a 3 bedroom/3 bathroom home, the boys have a backyard to 'play' in, they have their own bathroom, they're going to a nice school - brand new this upcoming school year.

I also want to have her keep her word about visitations. If she fails to show up - what can I do? I want her to have visitation of the boys.

I stated Sole Physical and Sole Legal - should I stick with that? And then compromise with Joint? Joint on both or just one?



Heres a copy of the parenting plan written up by me; tell me if it's fair or not....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Father to have Sole Legal, Sole Physical Custody. Children to reside with Father, Mother to have Visitation as set forth herein.


ORDER RE CUSTODY
AND PARENTING PLAN
JOINT CUSTODY SUPPLEMENT
Civil Code §4600.5 (e), (f)


CUSTODY/ PARENTING TIME
Natural parents, Petitioner: Mother, Mother and Respondent: Father, Father, shall share and participate in the joint physical responsibility for their biological children, Child #1 and Child #2 as set forth herein:
PRIMARY CARE; Primary Physical Care and Custody shall remain with Father, Mother to have visitation as defined herein. Children to reside with Father throughout school year.

Due to Mother not being present for past six years, a re-introductory period to take place. Mother to have both children First weekend each month, for first six months. Thereafter, Mother to have both children two weekends a month; First and Third weekends each month.

Mother to pick children up for her parenting time weekend on Friday no earlier than 5:00pm from Father’s residence. Holiday and Summer Schedules to supersede regular visitation schedule. Father to pick children up from Mother’s residence at 5:00pm on Sunday.

If the first day of a month falls on any part of a weekend (Fri., Sat., Sun.), it is considered the first weekend.

A weekend shall encompass Friday at 5:00pm until Sunday at 5:00pm or otherwise stipulated herein or agreed upon by both parents in writing, both receiving copies.

All school or legal holidays that fall on a Friday or Monday, not otherwise specified in the Holiday Schedule will be with the parent having the children on that weekend. The weekend will begin on the last day of school at 5:00pm the day of school dismissal to the day before school resumes at 5:00pm following the holiday.
TRANSPORTATION OF CHILDREN; The children will be driven only by a valid licensed and insured driver. If requested by either parent, the driver must submit their license and Insurance information. No copies of documents to be given to the requestor. This includes any Third party who is assisting in transporting children.
Mother to pick both children up on her visitation times from fathers’ residence at 5:00pm. Father to pick both children up from mothers’ residence on Sunday at 5:00pm, unless otherwise stipulated herein or agreed upon in writing.
If Father takes children to Mother’s residence, and retrieves children at the end of the same visitation, he shall be reimbursed for traveling expenses, including, but not limited to food, maintenance and gas. Gas to be reimbursed at the Mileage Calculation Rate of 0.360 cents a mile.
LEAD TIME; There will be one (1) hour lead time in which to pick the children up. If the receiving parent does not pick the children up within the stipulated time and there is no communication, that parent forfeits their visitation for that time period and can not be recaptured.
Parties agree to contact the other parent when they are on their way to pick up the children. Not to leave a message with the children to relay, but speak directly to the other parent, so as to limit miscommunication between parties. Parties to contact each other if they are to be late or unable to pick up the children, within one (1) hour of pick up time.
If a parent fails to be at their residence at the designated time, and the lead time has lapsed, the receiving parent shall contact the local police department and file a complaint for possible kidnapping and/or failure to return. Receiving time is 5:00pm.

INCREASED TIME; Any reasonable request that the children make to spend increased time with the other parent than that allowed in this parenting plan shall be considered.

If the child/ren request not to go with the other parent for visitation, that request will be taken into consideration and an alternate weekend can be agreed upon for the child/ren to spend with the other parent.
EXCHANGING VISITATION TIMES/DATES; If both parents agree to change visitation dates, it will be put in writing and both parents sign agreement, each receiving copies.
EXTRA CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES; Extracurricular activities will be shared between parties. Cost to be shared equally. Each parent shall make an attempt to get child/ren to scheduled events to participate in the extracurricular activity.

MEDICAL/DENTAL INSURANCE; Each parent shall supply the other with copies of Medical and Dental Insurance information and cards. Both parents to share in the responsibility of gaining and maintaining Insurance for both children at all times, until they reach the age of 18 (eighteen).

Each parent will provide the other with the name and phone number of any Doctor (Medical/Dental/Vision) that children are a patient of.

TAXES; The parent with whom the children reside shall have the exclusive right to claim children on their taxes. Both parties to file taxes yearly.

PHONE CONTACT; Each parent shall assist children in initiating regular phone contact with the other parent.  Children to call Mother from Father’s residence periodically throughout week between 5:00pm and 9:30pm while in father’s primary care and during holiday and summer vacations. Children to call Father from Mother’s residence periodically throughout week between 5:00pm and 9:30pm while in mother’s primary care and during holiday and summer vacations.

If a message is left, child is to attempt to make contact again that night by using cellular phone numbers provided to other parent; Father’s Cell number 555-555-5555. Mother’s Cell number 555-555-5555

If a parent gives one or both children a cell phone, either of their own or to share, so that the parent can keep in contact with the children, both parents will make the monthly payments on that phone. Both parents receiving copies of the billing information, and receipts for any portion of their payment on the children’s cellular phone. Neither parent shall be denied access to the children through the children’s cell phone.

COMMUNICATION; Communication between parents may consist of person-to-person, phone, e-mail, text form cell phone to cell phone and written.

Neither parent shall contact the other parent’s employer and harass that parent during work hours. Contact to the other parents employer is for emergency purposes only. An emergency is defined as sickness, injury or death of child/ren.

Whereabouts of children shall be shared with both parents at all times.

INJURY/ILLNESS; Each parent shall notify the other immediately of any serious illness or of any accident befalling children.

CHANGE OF ADDRESS; If either parent changes residence or phone number that parent must notify the other parent as soon as the new address is known, or forty-five (45) days prior to the move, as provided by law.

Failure to provide physical and telephonic communication access to the children will be construed as being in contempt of this Order.

NEGATIVE COMMENTS; Neither parent will make or allow others to make negative comments about the other parent or the other parent’s past or present relationship, family, or friends while children are present.

Neither parent shall attempt, or condone any attempt, directly or indirectly, to estrange the children from the other parent, or to injure or impair the mutual love and affection of said children.

At all times, the parents shall encourage and foster in the children a sincere respect and affection for both parents, and shall not hamper the natural development of the children’s love and respect for the other parent.

Mother and Father are enjoined from interfering in any way with the other parent’s legal access to the children. Including contact by phone, mail or parenting time.

OUT OF STATE VISITS; Neither parent shall take either child out of the State of California without written notice to the other parent.

If either parent takes one or both children out of the state of California, that parent will provide verifiable contact information, including address and phone numbers to the other parent.

Neither parent will schedule activities for the children during the other parent’s scheduled parenting time without written agreement of the other parent.

ALCOHOL/SUBSTANCE ABUSE; Both Mother and Father may not consume alcoholic beverages, narcotics, or restricted un-prescribed dangerous drugs within 24 hours prior to or during parenting times with the children. Nor will that parent allow a third party to do so during scheduled parenting times.

CHILDREN’S BELONGINGS; Each parent will maintain clothing for the children at their residence. Children are to be returned to the other parent with the clothing and other belongings they had when they arrived.

THIRD PARTY CONTACT; The children will have no contact with Mother’s Cousin/Boyfriend, for reasons of Drug use, arrest and imprisionment.

CHILD’S EARNINGS; Parenting time with child/ren shall take into consideration, the employment and expanded age-appropriate activities of said children over the age of fifteen (15).

When said child/ren become employed, the employer shall pay the earnings of that child to that child. Both parents relinquish the right to control of the child/ren’s earnings.

Any part of this agreement that is not followed shall be construed as willful failure to comply with a court order and action to be taken for contempt of court order to follow.

SUMMER SCHEDULE

Holiday Schedule to supersede Summer Vacation and Regular Visitation schedules. Summer Vacation schedule to take precedence over Regular Visitation schedule. Regular Visitation Schedule is considered In-School months.

Parent to take both children during all visitation times, unless stipulated herein.

Summer Vacation schedule to begin on Last day of school, until the first day of the following academic year. Summer vacation is to be shared equally between parents and to be worked out prior to end of the school year. Both parties to alternate transportation of children during any vacation time when school is out; each parent picks children up at beginning of their parenting time. Father to have first two weeks of Summer. Mother to have second two weeks and alternating two week intervals thereafter until the beginning of the following school year.

If one or both child/ren is/are enrolled in Summer School, parenting time will remain on Regular Visitation Schedule. The child not enrolled in Summer school will follow the Summer Schedule.

SCHOOL / STAFF HOLIDAYS

School attendance is mandatory. Children shall attend school daily, participate fully in school assignments and activities. Children will not be permitted to be signed out of school earlier than designated dismissal time without the written permission of the custodial parent, unless there is an emergency with that child or scheduled doctor appointment. Prior written contact information for doctor appointment and doctor’s note after attendance is required.

Staff development/recess days when child is not to attend school, shall be spent with the parent who would normally have child on that day unless otherwise stipulated or agreed up on by both parents.

All school information to have both parents contact information added to Emergency Contact Card. School information to be shared with other parent, including School name(s), phone number(s) and address(es).

All school notices, report cards, and school activities to be shared with other parent. Both parents to have ability to attend any school function, orientation, conference, meeting, etc.

HOLIDAY SCHEDULE

Father’s Day will be spent with Father each year from Friday at 5:00pm until Sunday at 5:00PM.

Mother’s Day will be spent with Mother each year from Friday at 5:00pm until Sunday at 5:00pm.

BIRTHDAYS: Children’s Birthdays; Child #1, November 7th and Child #2 June 30th, shall be alternated yearly between parents from the time school is dismissed until 8:00PM, if on weekend, child shall remain with that parent the entire weekend until Monday when school resumes. Mother to have EVEN years, Father to have ODD years. Receiving parent has the option to pick specified child up from school for their birthday.

Father shall spend his birthday, August 19th, each year with children from the time school is dismissed until 8:00PM, if on a weekend, children shall remain with father entire weekend until Sunday at 5:00pm.

Mother shall spend her birthday, February 2nd, each year with children from the time school is dismissed until 8:00PM, if on a weekend, children shall remain with mother entire weekend until Sunday at 5:00pm.

Other Visitation times determined in Holiday Schedule listed herein on page 5.





HOLIDAY SCHEDULE

Holiday Schedule to supercede Summer Vacation and Regular Visitation schedules.

Holiday         Time                        Even Years   Odd Years
                                    2006, 08, 10, 12   2007, 09, 11, 13

New Year’s Day (included in Christmas Holiday – when school is out)            DAD      MOM
________________________________________
Easter / Spring Break (when school is out)                     DAD        MOM   ________________________________________
Mother’s Day & Weekend                              MOM
________________________________________
Memorial Day & Weekend                           DAD      MOM
________________________________________
Father’s Day & Weekend                               DAD
________________________________________
Independence Day (July 4th) (9:00AM on 4th to 9:00AM on 5th)   & Weekend         MOM      DAD
________________________________________
Children’s B-Days & Weekend (Nov. 7 and June 30)                  DAD      MOM
________________________________________
Labor Day & Weekend                           MOM      DAD
________________________________________
Dad B-day & Weekend (Aug. 19)                            DAD
________________________________________
Halloween Night & Weekend                         MOM      DAD
________________________________________
Mom B-day & Weekend (Feb. 2)                            MOM
________________________________________
Thanksgiving Vacation (when school is out)                     DAD      MOM
________________________________________
Christmas Holiday / Vacation                           **  SEE BELOW  **

This Holiday time includes from the day school recesses, Christmas Eve & Day, New Year’s Eve & Day, until the first day back to school.

EVEN Years – First half with Dad from school dismissal until Dec. 25 at 10:00am, pick up at Dad’s residence. Second half with Mom until 5:00pm the day prior to school resuming.

ODD Years - First half with Mom from school dismissal until Dec. 25 at 10:00am, pick up at Mom’s residence. Second half with Dad until school resumes.

________________________________________

Any Holiday the children are to spend with the receiving parent, which falls on a weekend described herein, they shall spend the entire weekend with that parent until 5:00pm the day before school resumes, unless otherwise stipulated.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

I can't think of anything else, right now...

I hope this wasn't too long!

SEB1670





Title: RE: Interesting Situation (Tried to be short in description) HELP!
Post by: notnew on Jul 26, 2006, 09:57:49 AM
1. Is any of this going to help me in court to retain custody?
What do I need to show to the Judge to prove that they have been with me for 6 years?

Probably if you can prove it.

2. How can I go about fighting the Spousal Support? She has been self-supporting the last 6 years (and has had another child during that time, so she's been supported by someone else since our separation.)

This situation sounds ludricous. Have you retained an attorney?

3. Who do I need to Contact to have her License revoked?

You cannot have her license revoked. Stick to issues surrounding children best interest. Anything else will make you look like you are being vindictive and that is not good.

4. Who do I report her failure to file/pay taxes to?

See above. This is a dead issue for you.

5. Where do I go to find a Police Record on her and the Cousin/Boyfriend who is in Prision now - What Information do I need?

I am not sure on this one. There are several states that have court action (criminal and civil) in a searchable database on-line. Court records are usually public information. Maybe someone else can better inform you. However, a custody evaluator will/should check this out too.

6. How do I be fair but not be taken advantage of by her/ the situation?

Who cares about being fair. You are already being taken advantadge of. You need to find out what she means by the order having never been finaled. You need to call the court where the case was heard and ask the clerk for a copy of the order - even better go there and get a copy of it.

CS collections could NOT have taken place without an order being in place. I think your ex is FOS.

7. What will the Judge look for in a better home environment for the boys?

If you were awarded Legal Physical custody (you have SOLE it shounds like to me now) - HOLD ON TO IT WITH EVERY BREATH IN YOUR BODY. Your ex has to prove a Significant change in circumstances has taken place resulting in the BEST INTERSESTS OF THE CHILD not being served and some type of physical or mental danger/neglect/ect., to get a change in custody. Again - I think she is FOS.

8. If I compromise on the Sole Physical/Legal Custody - Should I let the Judge decide what we get? Or should I suggest I keep Legal and agree to joint physical? What is better?

See above.



I want to keep physical and legal and residential custody....

I have a 3 bedroom/3 bathroom home, the boys have a backyard to 'play' in, they have their own bathroom, they're going to a nice school - brand new this upcoming school year.

I also want to have her keep her word about visitations. If she fails to show up - what can I do? I want her to have visitation of the boys.

I stated Sole Physical and Sole Legal - should I stick with that? And then compromise with Joint? Joint on both or just one?

You have a better environment for the kids. Don't comprimise at all.

There is a lot of useful information on this site. USE it.

don't blow your case by acting stupid. I suggest you post some questions to Dear Socrateaser. Look at the mandatory guidelines and I am sure he can help you.

Good luck.

Title: RE: you may want to
Post by: janM on Jul 26, 2006, 07:57:45 PM
edit your post and take out the cell phone numbers.

Do see if there are papers filed. There must be something if she was ordered to pay support.

As for her not exercising her parenting time, we know all about that. My son's exgf gave him custody and she will make plans with the boy and not my son, and then something usually comes up and she can't get him, or wants my son to deliver him, knowing he'll say no to that. She is now over 10 grand in arrears, and is still not working after spending a month in jail over it.

There is not much you can do about her lack of interest. That is a right, not an oblibation, that she can exercise or not.

I hope you are, in fact, on record as custodial parent. Having a parenting plan is a good idea, just don't expect her to follow it.

Keep us posted.
Title: What else can I do ?
Post by: seb1670 on Jul 27, 2006, 07:52:09 AM
Thank you very much for pointing out the phone #'s!! I completely passed over that!

She's some piece of work... This last week, after I sent her (certified mail) her copies of the court papers I filed, I also sent a letter stating that I find it necessary to put any and all future agreements in writing - and the only stipulations there were was the fact that she was the one who is responsible to p/u & d/o the children this time because we (my GF) did the driving.  She has the car, I only have a motorcycle.....

And speaking of that, Can you believe that she actually asked me to bring the boys to her house - on my motorcycle - one at a time... The older one I'm not worried about, he weighs enough to resist the wind, etc... but my 12 yo is like a tooth pick... on top of all the dangers of going 90 miles away in heavy traffic... and to do it twice..

Anyway, after I told her something like 5 times that I won't let the boys go with her if she refuses to sign the agreement and have it back to me the day before they go, she called and told the older boy that she wasn't going to be able to come pick him up - because I was being unreasonable.  - - I was unreasonable when I said I wasn't going to take them down there, AND Because I wasn't going to split the boys up - she HAS to take BOTH of them.

I just received ALL my younger sons school information... the important info to show a judge or mediator.. He's a 'special needs' child. He was really attached to his mother when he was younger, and since I have had custody, and she abandoned them for drugs and her cousin, he has acted out in school, especially towards women. He's had a few Psych Evals, the most recent being in 2004, I'm going to try to see if his school is going to do a new one... he's been in the same school since he was in 2nd grade. He hasn't shown too much improvement though the fits, and anger related issues have become less frequent. All the records show that he is angry about being abandoned. And proves that the children have lived with me since 2000.

I have to wait until the other school opens to get my older sons records.

My GF and I have been together for over a year and she treats them as if they were her own. She has a daughter of her own. She's the first woman they have responded to in a positive way. And trust me they've put her through a lot in a short time. She's amazing. She's gotten more results from them than anyone has - she definately knows how to reach them. She knows how to get on their level and talk to them. They've learned a lot from her. Heck, they call her "Mom" and have asked for her to adopt them....

She gets me more involved with them, and makes me follow through with discipline - something I have slacked on because of the situation and then it became habit. She makes me pay more attention to them, we have a family day every Saturday - no video games, no boob-tube - we only do something that involves all of us. She has definately given them structure and consistency. Shoot, She's got us riding horses!! She says she wants to give them something positive, make positive memories, experience something new, something they can look back on and say they've tried it. Of course, we love the Motorcycle shows and simple events like taking bread to feed the ducks... This weekend we're going to the Museum.

Anyways,  I know I can't do much about the X's lack of interest - recently, she's told me it's all or nothing. She wants custody of only one boy and then she'll exchange him for the other one during the summer. I'm still speachless over that one.

I haven't heard anything from the courts yet as to when our court date is. So, until then, I need to be as prepared for whatever as I can be.
I'm going through the archives here on SPARC, i'm looking for specific info on abandonment and re-introduction processes. But haven't found any.

Maybe information on Spousal Support would be good too. We've been separated for 6 years, during that time she's been self supportive, and living with her cousin/boyfriend since I have moved out. She can't deny that she had relations with her relative - she had a child with him.

I want to give her enough room to either prove to her kids that she's going to be there - or she'll hang herself. I want to fight the spousal support and I want the divorce finalized so I can start making plans with my GF to get married.  I'm glad I didn't get married before all this!! I had always thought we were divorced...

any help is always appreciated!

SEB
Title: RE: What else can I do ?
Post by: notnew on Jul 27, 2006, 09:11:29 AM
>She's some piece of work... This last week, after I sent her
>(certified mail) her copies of the court papers I filed, I
>also sent a letter stating that I find it necessary to put any
>and all future agreements in writing - and the only
>stipulations there were was the fact that she was the one who
>is responsible to p/u & d/o the children this time because we
>(my GF) did the driving.  She has the car, I only have a
>motorcycle.....
>
>And speaking of that, Can you believe that she actually asked
>me to bring the boys to her house - on my motorcycle - one at
>a time... The older one I'm not worried about, he weighs
>enough to resist the wind, etc... but my 12 yo is like a tooth
>pick... on top of all the dangers of going 90 miles away in
>heavy traffic... and to do it twice..
>

You can stipulate in your order that the receiving party is responsible to travel to pick up children. The motorcycle issue is a safety issue and WAY inconvenient for you and unreasonable request. As a fellow rider I completely agree with you on this and I believe the courts would as well.

>Anyway, after I told her something like 5 times that I won't
>let the boys go with her if she refuses to sign the agreement
>and have it back to me the day before they go, she called and
>told the older boy that she wasn't going to be able to come
>pick him up - because I was being unreasonable.  - - I was
>unreasonable when I said I wasn't going to take them down
>there, AND Because I wasn't going to split the boys up - she
>HAS to take BOTH of them.
>

You are right to say she must take both of them. I am assuming she doesn't want to deal with the special needs issues and is only taking the other boy. Not acceptable. You need to convey to her that her statements to the children are not in their best interests and they should not be involved in issues the two of you are working out. Also, she should refrain from speaking badly of you to the kids.

>I just received ALL my younger sons school information... the
>important info to show a judge or mediator.. He's a 'special
>needs' child. He was really attached to his mother when he was
>younger, and since I have had custody, and she abandoned them
>for drugs and her cousin, he has acted out in school,
>especially towards women. He's had a few Psych Evals, the most
>recent being in 2004, I'm going to try to see if his school is
>going to do a new one... he's been in the same school since he
>was in 2nd grade. He hasn't shown too much improvement though
>the fits, and anger related issues have become less frequent.
>All the records show that he is angry about being abandoned.
>And proves that the children have lived with me since 2000.
>

That is great documentation to have in court. Also, if you get a custody evaluation (which I don't believe you should becuase there is no change in circumstance and you are taking excellent care of the children), you should present this to the evaluator as well.

>I have to wait until the other school opens to get my older
>sons records.
>
>My GF and I have been together for over a year and she treats
>them as if they were her own. She has a daughter of her own.
>She's the first woman they have responded to in a positive
>way. And trust me they've put her through a lot in a short
>time. She's amazing. She's gotten more results from them than
>anyone has - she definately knows how to reach them. She knows
>how to get on their level and talk to them. They've learned a
>lot from her. Heck, they call her "Mom" and have asked for her
>to adopt them....
>
>She gets me more involved with them, and makes me follow
>through with discipline - something I have slacked on because
>of the situation and then it became habit. She makes me pay
>more attention to them, we have a family day every Saturday -
>no video games, no boob-tube - we only do something that
>involves all of us. She has definately given them structure
>and consistency. Shoot, She's got us riding horses!! She says
>she wants to give them something positive, make positive
>memories, experience something new, something they can look
>back on and say they've tried it. Of course, we love the
>Motorcycle shows and simple events like taking bread to feed
>the ducks... This weekend we're going to the Museum.
>

It sounds like you two have a solid, consistent, and healthy atmosphere for the kids. I don't believe you have a thing to worry about.

>Anyways,  I know I can't do much about the X's lack of
>interest - recently, she's told me it's all or nothing. She
>wants custody of only one boy and then she'll exchange him for
>the other one during the summer. I'm still speachless over
>that one.
>
She's drawn the line in the sand. I would back this up with a letter so that it's understood what she has requested of you and state your objections to it (not in the best interest of the children) they both need to have equal opportunity to develop a relationship and spend time with her.

>I haven't heard anything from the courts yet as to when our
>court date is. So, until then, I need to be as prepared for
>whatever as I can be.
>I'm going through the archives here on SPARC, i'm looking for
>specific info on abandonment and re-introduction processes.
>But haven't found any.
>
>Maybe information on Spousal Support would be good too. We've
>been separated for 6 years, during that time she's been self
>supportive, and living with her cousin/boyfriend since I have
>moved out. She can't deny that she had relations with her
>relative - she had a child with him.
>
>I want to give her enough room to either prove to her kids
>that she's going to be there - or she'll hang herself. I want
>to fight the spousal support and I want the divorce finalized
>so I can start making plans with my GF to get married.  I'm
>glad I didn't get married before all this!! I had always
>thought we were divorced...
>
>any help is always appreciated!
>
You need to get a copy of the orders in place from the court action before. As Janm and I have stated, child support collection could not have taken place without an order being in place. So, I believe she is bluffing.

Are you saying you are waiting for a court date based on her filing or have you filed something on your own?  If you  haven't filed something on your own, you need to do so asap. Letting her drive the course of this can be detrimental for you.

Also, I said it would be good for you to post some of your legal issues on the Dear Socrateaser forum. Follow his guidelines, but I think he could provide some real direction for you.

Inaction and waiting for the court to act on her filing is not good. Do you have a copy of the "order" that she is telling you wasnt' finalized?  

I also have to urge you to keep all your communications followed-up with certified letters to clarify the discussions. That is your legal back-up and is much stronger than your memory. He said she said arguments don't go over well in the court. Also, it is important to keep a log of all things that happen. If she is supposed to have the kids and fails to show, document it. If she refuses to take one, document it. When she makes statements to the kids that she shouldn't, document it. These logs are legal records.

You must become as informed as possible, arm yourself in advance for what could happen. Utilize your state's circuit court web site to research laws and procedures. Information is your ally. Not knowing is your enemy.

Good luck - you have a strong foundation. I still think she is FOS and doesn't have a chance of getting what she is trying to.
>SEB
Title: RE: What else can I do ?
Post by: seb1670 on Aug 01, 2006, 06:23:52 AM
We had a case years ago and she dropped the ball, lied to me that the divorce was finalized, and abandoned the children.

I have copied everything I could find on SPARC and printed it out. I am starting to keep a log of everything. And I've gone as far as recording the conversations - ONLY for transcription purposes... though I do keep the tapes for future 'whatever' if I need them..

I have written her a letter stating that she has to take both boys for any and all visitation. And understand that every now and then a one on one with each boy is good also. but not 9 months out of the year.

THE LATEST; She called our oldest boy and was crying telling him that I was being unreasonable about her having them for two weeks; and that she wanted more than 2 weeks, she wants custody. so she refused visitation.  The "UNREASONABLE" part was that we were telling her that she has to transport them both ways this time - because we did it both ways last time - she renigged on her word.

I will post to Socrateaser and see what he has to offer.

THank you and I'll keep anyone who's interested posted.

SEB1670
Title: RE: What else can I do ?
Post by: notnew on Aug 01, 2006, 10:30:51 AM
Yeah, it is not going to be a pretty thing for you or your kids to go through. I still highly suggest you get a copy of the paperwork that "supposedly" never went through to verify for yourself. This woman has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can't trust her.

It is sad what she is doing to the kids.

We'll be keeping our eyes out to see how your doing.
Title: RE: Interesting Situation (Tried to be short in description) HELP!
Post by: williaer on Aug 03, 2006, 01:39:30 PM
Another interesting angle is: In the state where I live, if people are still married- any children born to the woman are considered to be the biological children of her husband. Is that the case where you live? If so- you may have more on your plate than you thought- because the 4 year old will be considered your child in any court action as well.
Title: Yep
Post by: notnew on Aug 04, 2006, 05:42:12 AM
My son has this exact situation going on RIGHT now. She says it's not his, but based on their separation (no paperwork in court yet so it's not legal) and due date, the possibility that it's his biologically is in the air.

Not a great thing to have to keep in mind, but you have to be prepared for what may happen!
Title: RE: What else can I do ?
Post by: williaer on Aug 12, 2006, 11:00:45 AM
Now there is only one thing I want to say- don't get angry- but it was just as much your responsibility to make sure that the divorce was finalized as it was hers. :)

Perhaos it is a lesson for this time around!!!!
Title: RE: Interesting Situation (Tried to be short in description) HELP!
Post by: oklahoma on Aug 14, 2006, 01:56:13 PM
Just scanned your proposed parenting plan, and I think you are being more than fair... maybe too much so....

We were unable to see my SDs for just over a year, trying the whole time to contact them and BM to work out issues.  Finally ended up in court.  Because it had been "so long" judge ordered graduated visitation plan: first three months we have them for 9 hours on Saturday; next three months we have them Saturday and Sunday; then we move onto every other weekend (Fri-Sun), 1/2 holidays, and a total of 2 weeks in the summer (previously it was ordered that we would have them 4 weeks.)  Although we were not overjoyed, we take what we can get from this judge--we would have jumped for joy to get a parenting plan like you set out.  I just think that after 6 years absence and some of the other issues, you may want to take things a little slower.  However, you know your children and what will be best for them.

Title: RE: What else can I do ?
Post by: msme on Aug 19, 2006, 07:10:43 PM
I saw no mention of counseling. If your kids aren't in counseling, they should be. They will tell the counselor what she has been doing & saying & then you can subpoena him to tell the court about the damage she is inflicting on them. You should probably go too. It shows maturity & good judgement to enlist professional help in dealing with difficult situations.

We have learned that the best way to choose a counselor for your kids is to call several school counselors & ask who they reccommend. You may get several names but one will show up more than the others. Remember cream rises to the top & the one that the school counselors feel most comfortable refering to, is usually the best.

By the way, I was not supprised about the divorce not being finalized. The same thing happened to my now daughter-in-law. She went to file for cs & they asked for a certified copy of her divorce. She produced a copy & they said they needed a certified copy. They told her not to worry, they would order it from the other state. A couple of days later they called her in & told her that she was still married for the last 5 years. Her presumed ex didn't pay the last of his attorneys fee & so she didn't finalize it with the court. After 6 months, it was dismissed for lack of action.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!