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Main Forums => Second Families => Topic started by: Ref on Sep 06, 2006, 09:46:06 AM

Title: Holding my breath
Post by: Ref on Sep 06, 2006, 09:46:06 AM
Ugh! Ever since Sd was a tot, BM called after her summer time with us complaining about how DH parents and trivial issues. It is like clockwork. As SD has gotten older, she makes the calls and uses words that her mom uses. It is so sad. BM has her brainwashed.

She did the same this year. Two weeks after she went back, SD called complaining about Dh filing for decrease in support, not spending our wedding money on keeping CS at the same level, suing her mom (her mom is suing him) and him spying on her myspace (she was busted for admitting to smoking pot and drinking on her page by us).

We have always said, court and child support is between DH and you mom. These are things you shouldn't worry about. Unfortunately, BM has not followed those rules. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell her what was really going on.

SD was mad because DH's name was on the pick-up slip at school and BM's wasn't. I told her that it was because BM told the school DH couldn't have grades or anything, that DH was able to ask them to put his name on all the documents for emergency not to take off BM's, but in addition. I told her about her mom writing this to a letter to the judge. I told her that her mom was suing Dh not the other way around. I told her it concerned us that her mom lived off of HER child support for 10 years to go to school rather than help support her, taking food out of her mouth....I told her her mom now has to take some financial responsibility for her because now she got a job and DH couldn't get one that makes as much after his company closed its doors.

Her mom told her that they would have moved out of the section 8 housing this year (after 11 years) and get a house, but DH made her spend her money on a lawyer. I told Sd that wasn't true. I saw her finances (through court docs) and know she never had $ saved. She said that her mom got screwed when Dh filed for increase of visitation. (He had about 4 weeks a year and after mediation ended up with the county's standard visitation). I told her that noone walks away from court happy. Both feel like they lost, most of the time. DH got what anyone else was entitled to. How is that screwing BM? BM only allowed 4 weeks and it is hardly enough to allow SD to take trips and get to know her family.

I never bad mouthed her mom as a person, but I was as honest as ever about what was going on. Maybe this was the wrong thing to do, I don't know. All I know is that BM was ruining SD's life by taking ALL of her family, except her, and manipulateing her to believe that DH, the one who IS looking out for their daughter, is the a$$hole.

I'm holding my breath for PBFH's response. I know I will probably get blasted, but after 12 years of this pounding by her mom, I couldn't take it anymore and it seemed more harmful for SD to keep quiet. I guess time will tell.

Title: Whats done is done
Post by: hagatha on Sep 06, 2006, 08:00:56 PM

Went through similar crap. We didn't have a long distance visit plan, we only got sd on sundays for 9 hrs. But mommy dearest called, sometimes before sd was even returned to bitch and complain. I stopped being nice too. Once she was old enough I would correct those misconceptions about who was doing what to who.

It got really ugly and we didn't see sd for several years. But when she finally did call me, the Very first thing she asked was if daddy was paying cs. I told her yes. She asked if I could prove it for her. I told her yes and explained how she could go on-line to check.

I think that was the beginning of the end for mommy dearest. Sd finally had actual proof that mommy was lying to her. Then of course she began to question everything she was ever told about us.

She has a great relationship with us now. She also knows without a doubt when she really needs support, emotional or financial she can come to us cause mommy won't help her.

Sometimes they just need a real reality check to get them to think. Sometimes they just need time to grow a brain.

What's done is done and when the PBFH calls, and you know she will, tell her to stop lying to herself and her kids and get a life. Then just hang up. You don't have to talk to her. That is what the answering machine is for. And when SD calls, and she will too cause mommy will make her, tell her to trust her heart cause she knows her daddy loves her and would never do anything to hurt her.

The Witch
Title: Hag -
Post by: Ref on Sep 07, 2006, 05:56:48 AM
What would you have done differently to keep SD from disappearing for years?

Luckily for us, as of now, SD still has a close relationship with her dad and me. Last weekend she was giving him piggyback rides in the pool and having seaweed fights in the ocean. Besides the serious talk that happened at the very beginning of the weekend, she seemed happy to be around us. Even then, she seemed to take it in and ask some questions that, if the conversations never came up, she would have assumed the worst. I think the conversation made both of us uncomfortable, but neither got upset.

Any advice?

Title: What we could have done . . .
Post by: hagatha on Sep 08, 2006, 08:03:38 PM

The only thing I think we could have done was get a better attorney. Then the real issues would have been addressed. But sometimes things have to happen the way then happen and you just have to deal with it.

The thing is, you got the lines of communication open and maybe if your lucky, she will ask questions before thinking the worst. Sometimes thats the only thing you can hope for.

The Witch

Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!
Title: RE: What we could have done . . .
Post by: wysiwyg on Sep 18, 2006, 11:12:30 AM
I have been dealt this same deck of cards.  I have always lived up to the expectation to not lie to the kids and tell them the truth but within a reasonalbe language consistant to their age and answer their questions with more details - again equiv to their age - as they got older.  

Depending on how your tone of voice was and how graphic you were with the child - she deserves to know the truth.

For instance when my SS asked his dad why he divorced BM, his answer was "Becasue your mom used to hit me alot"  as SS got older and asked about certain instances that he had remembered, his dad would fill in the blanks.  Our attoney agreed with us and always stood up for us in how we handled the situation with truth and honesty, but no graphic details.  NOt everyone will agree with us on our decisions and there are plenty of parents that I disagree with in other situations, fact is, there is no book that covers everything on how to raise a child and what to and what not to say do or buy.  

I grew up as a product of a messy divorce in the 60's.  My mom was young and naive and pregnant before marriage, in the 60's that was a no-no.  My dad's family had money and when the divorce was under way, my dad filed for custody and hired PI's and Psychs.  To this day I have no idea what happened, or why, my mother is passed away and my father refuses to speak to me.  It haunts me that no one told me the truth, and I vowed that I would never let my kids or my SS wonder what life was like and why it happened.  It is only in how I presentthe facts to them that matters.
Title: Here it is, I knew it wouldn't take long - VENT
Post by: Ref on Sep 23, 2006, 01:28:05 PM
Dh just received a package from SD today. It was a large manilla envelope. In it was a short letter and a catalog.

Enclosed is a magazine with school clothes that I would like you to order. Even though you have bought me a few shirts and a pair of jeans; if you have not figured it out, I need more clothes then that. I have folded the pages that I would like things from. I have also highlighted the items and put my size by them. My mother has bought me a substantial amount of clothes comared to yours. Even with these clothes, it is not enough. Thank you for your time. I think it is your duty as my father to help me get the things I need and want. Sincerely, SD"

Can you believe this sh!t? What a brat! DH took it pretty well. I thought he was going to flip out. Isn't it just aweful to hear your own kid morph into your ex? Of course BM acts like a 15 year old, so it is hard to tell if SD is acting age appropriate or if she is turning looney toons like her mom.

I talked to DH about his not contacting SD in a couple of weeks. I told him that he is allowing BM to dig her claws in deep by not talking to SD more often. He said he just doesn't think he can emotionally handle it. He is just not able to deal with this.

It is only going to get worse from here. Court is coming up the end of October. Afterward BM is going to be furious because she is not going to get a damn thing she is looking for. She is going to blame her poverty on DH rather than looking in the mirror at a woman who was irresponsible and ruined her credit, hasn't held a job until she was almost 40 and forced her daughter into the poverty she elected  just because she wouldn't grow up.

This woman is evil. She is evil. Nothing she does is for SD's benefit. I wish she would do everyone a favor and run off to Alaska with her girlfriend.

I miss my SD so much. We have such a great time when we are together. She and Dh have a great time when they are together. It is these long pauses that really do us in and BM knows it.


Thanks for letting me vent

Title: RE: Here it is, I knew it wouldn't take long - VENT
Post by: dipper on Sep 23, 2006, 03:01:41 PM
Ref, Does dh pay CS?  If so, i would tell SD that mom bought the clothes with daddy's money for her.....Really, whether he pays CS or not, i would not buy one dang thing.  

I would also tell SD to feel free to call sometime just to talk.

This gives a clearer picture of why your dh does not call.  Perhaps he really CAN NOT deal with this.  There is a breaking point for us all....dh may be choosing to be happy despite the stuff he cannot control.  
Title: You are right dipper
Post by: Ref on Sep 24, 2006, 05:41:35 AM
DH is a great dad. The two of them are like bosom buddies when they are together. Even at 15 SD wrestles with him and they act all sorts of goofy together. She loves being with him. Unfortunately he is also a great dad because he checks on her grades and proformance at school. He checked her myspace and found she was doing drugs and drinking and he calls her on these things. BM has a memory of about 2 minutes. She is so overly emotional. She would flip out initially and ground SD but after a day or two she pretends it never happened, because she can be without her friend....

Anyway, DH does pay support. In October we have a hearing to have it modified. He lost his job last October due to closing of his whole office and eventually the whole company went under. He filed for a reduction. BM flipped and countersued with bogus contempt charges (really easy to prove false). BM sent her financial affidavit. After taking half of the rent , car bills , and food bills and 100% of SD's expenses she is still shy of spending the CS DH sends by $75 a month. According the Fl law she is supposed to be spending $200 of her own money on SD. She has no savings either. It makes me feel that she is stealing $275 a month from her own daughter's pocket. They live in Section 8 housing and have for 11 years. Anyway, I am flipping out.

I guess the answer to you question is yes he is paying for everything BM buys for SD.

The phone call to SD will be tonight. She probably will screen the call and he will leave a message for her. We'll see. I'm thinking of suggesting his message be something like "Hi SD! I just got your letter and had some questions over which hoodie you needed. Call me back!" Then she will call him back and BLAMO! What do you think?

Thanks dipper

Title: RE: You are right dipper
Post by: ocean on Sep 24, 2006, 11:08:48 AM
Does she have an e-mail account? Can you get a copy from the internet of what child support is used for and copy and paste it to her? I would also tell her that you have no problem taking soem of October's child support and ordering the clothes....Maybe send it to the BM instead?
At 15, if she really wanted to she could have worked this past summer, even babysit, or get a part-time job at the toys store for the holiday season. That since dad lost his job you had to cut back and so does she...
Ugg....I can not believe that letter! .....
Title: Sorry I disagree
Post by: hagatha on Sep 24, 2006, 08:13:55 PM

Sending the info on what CS should be spent on is not a good idea.

I would look through the book and decide on what you can afford and purchase some things for her. Then call her and explain that you will buy the things you can afford. but she will not be getting everything she wants. You can mention that you are sure the money mother recieved in child support was used to buy some of the things she got. But don't focus on the CS.

She needs to understand you are not the bank. She can't make withdrawls just because she decides she wants more cloths. If you think she has enough to suffice, then she has enough. And if she wants more than she will have to decide with her mother what kind of part time job she can get to pay for her own expences.

I would bet mother did not buy her very much. Maybe the note books and such, but she is looking to you to pay for everything. just like her mother does. She needs to understand that people work for what they want she will need to work too.

the Witch

Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!
Title: We will not send her anything with an attitude like that
Post by: Ref on Sep 25, 2006, 09:43:26 AM
Thanks Hag, but I don't think she deserves ANYTHING. Not with that tone. The items in the catalog she NEEDS come to about $425 of fashion statements as well as a whole sheet set with quilt for her room at her moms(another $250). We haven't gotten a matching sheet set for ourselves in over 10 years and her mom bought her a set 2 years ago. She included bandanas and shoes and several sweaters (she lives in Florida).

SD mentioned a couple of weeks ago that she was concerned about being able to afford anything after the change in CS. I told her that all she needs to do is call and ask. DH is still paying the higher amount, until next month and instead of asking she writes this rude letter demanding he get her these things and telling him his duty.

If she needed anything, we would not keep it from her but she even says that we bought her jeans, shirts etc. We also purchased underwear and socks. We took her shopping in July and she said she really didn't need anything. She also said her mom bought her substantially more clothes. To me, if she has 3 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of pants, 7 shirts, shoes and underwear, she has what she needs. Based on what we bought her, she has more than that PLUS the "substantially more" items that her mom bought.
Title: RE: I didnt say it
Post by: dipper on Sep 25, 2006, 07:03:51 PM

I didnt say anything about sending CS information - other than I think it would be fine for dad to say I did help pay for your clothes by CS.

I wouldnt buy her anything with her writing a letter like that myself.  
Title: So call her on it
Post by: dsm on Sep 28, 2006, 10:36:42 AM
Y'all don't have to ignore the rudeness of her letter.  But, understand that she is very under the influence of her mother's negativity toward you and referring to you as having the 'duty' to do these things for her.....Realize that too.  Call her on it.  Definitely, call her and if you get the voicemail, leave a message that you wanted to go over the items.  You're right, she probably will call back within a few seconds.  Then, take the opportunity to go over things that she really likes.  Before you let her go, explain that her manner of asking for this stuff is out of line and that y'all will *consider* some of the items, but not all; and maybe not any.  Point out what you just posted - that in July you just bought x,y,z.  Point out that lots of people would like to have a new bed set, but that doesn't mean that it happens.

Then, do what you are able to.  Consider for Christmas gifts - teenagers are difficult anyway to buy for and you've got some specific things.  

Good luck!



dsm - 35; DH - 39; SD - 17; LO - 10; BB - 3
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