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Main Forums => Second Families => Topic started by: p5546 on Dec 13, 2007, 05:30:59 PM

Title: New boyfriend?
Post by: p5546 on Dec 13, 2007, 05:30:59 PM
The ex's last husband was on probation for Cruelty to Children.  They divorced.  She has a new boyfriend. Long story....

They "re-united" on the internet.  Can we request his information to do a back ground search considering the past history of the last one or will this seem as if we are "all in her business"? We both have attorneys.

I believe the new boyfriend is currently living the the BM and kids.  He is from several states over and I seen them in the store today together. And on last visit, the son stated that he now wants to live with us.  Almost too coincidental.

There is nothing about others livng with the BM or the kids out of wedlock.  Are our hands tied?
Title: RE: New boyfriend?
Post by: mistoffolees on Dec 14, 2007, 06:00:27 PM
I'd say your hands are tied. If you have reason to believe that the child is in danger, then you can take action. If the ex is doing something that you don't like but which is not prohibited by the agreement, you're stuck.

And I'd be very careful about doing a background search on ex's new BF. You could get yourself into a lot of trouble over that. Who she dates is no longer your concern (again, unless there's evidence that the child is in danger). Sorry, but that's what divorce means.
Title: RE: New boyfriend?
Post by: p5546 on Dec 15, 2007, 04:05:11 PM
What do you mean by "trouble".  I thought that  you could do a background search on anyone.

Besides it would be useless, I do not know his full name.
Title: RE: New boyfriend?
Post by: mistoffolees on Dec 15, 2007, 06:23:50 PM
>What do you mean by "trouble".  I thought that  you could do
>a background search on anyone.
>Besides it would be useless, I do not know his full name.

You can gain SOME types of information on anyone - as long as it's public information. But as soon as you start digging for non-public information, you could face an invasion of privacy suit. Or perhaps be accused of stalking.

Perhaps not very likely, but why do you need to get involved in the ex's life anyway?
Title: RE: New boyfriend?
Post by: lucky on Dec 15, 2007, 11:45:02 PM
I could be wrong, but it sounds like they want to do the background search because they believe that, given the ex's previous choices, it would be beneficial because the ex makes poor choices in partners.

I can understand that viewpoint completely, however, I don't think that investigating the new bf is appropriate unless they have a tangible reason to believe that the ex's new bf could be harmful to the kids.  The ex screwing up the last time in choosing a bf does not mean that this bf will be bad.


Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]
Title: RE: New boyfriend?
Post by: mistoffolees on Dec 16, 2007, 09:14:52 AM
Exactly. Unless they have some reason to think there's a problem, ex's choice is none of their business.

This is something of a hot topic for me. My ex is constantly trying to find out about my personal life and it's just plain none of her business. Similarly, I have no desire to be involved in her personal life. Divorced people would get along a lot better if they'd all respect those boundaries.

If there's reason to expect harm to the kids, of course, the situation changes. But that doesn't seem to be the issue here.
Title: RE: New boyfriend?
Post by: p5546 on Dec 16, 2007, 09:33:27 AM
We don't care about HER life.  We did not find out about the last husband until after the domestic violence in front of the children.

The reason is solely for the benefit and safety of the children.  Also, the son expessed interest in living with us.  Something that he has never brought up before.  

It just makes us wonder because it is the same time the new boyfriend has surfaced.
Title: RE: New boyfriend?
Post by: ocean on Dec 16, 2007, 04:15:12 PM
Your hands are tied....unless something happens....
Custody change is VERY hard to do so do not bet on that even if child wants to....sounds like this child is young.
It can get very frustrating watching everything and listening to what goes on in the other house but you need to make peace that you can not control that part of the child's life and let it go. Focus on when you have child, ask for more time and take it, teach child how to cope with certain situations...
Good luck!
Title: RE: New boyfriend?
Post by: Missmel44 on Dec 18, 2007, 04:51:40 PM
I do not know if this helps, but we have it written into our parenting plan that, whoever is living with the BM has to submit to a background check, in addition the BM and whoever lives there will be randomly tested for drugs and alcohol.  My fiancee and the BM were never married nor involved in a relationship though, and there are some other circumstances that may have allowed that to be a part of our plan. We also have a private investigator that periodically checks up on her. But she also told the courts she lives at one address but really does not live there, just floats.  
I hope that you are able to find a solution to your question, I know how frustrating it is being a part of something that you have no legal rights too.
Title: RE: New boyfriend?
Post by: mistoffolees on Dec 19, 2007, 10:18:14 PM
I'm surprised that you managed to get that into your agreement. The 'other circumstances' must have been fairly odd.
Title: RE: New boyfriend?
Post by: babyfat on Dec 21, 2007, 09:53:20 AM
My boyfriends ex  went to a lawyer and paid to have a back round check done on me. She at one point tried to claim I had 13 different address (I did not just had po boxes to go with each address and some of that was college living related) anyway she was trying to bring up I was "unstable" because I had no criminal record or history of anything else. Did not fly especally since at that time I had been living in the same house for 8 years. She just ended up looking like a trouble maker. Anyone can go to one of those internet sites like peplefinder or something like that and pay $39.95 and find out a bunch of stuff. You can find out if this person has a criminal record, previous address, if they own property. those are all a matter of public record. For that matter you could yourself go to the court house in the area he lived and find out all these things as well. If he does have a criminal record that would consern me and I'd bring it up but it might not help anything. Just to let you know Nobody would have known that my boyfriends ex did this search if she hadn't opened her mouth about it and I didnt make a big deal about it cause I can't say if the situation was reversed I wouldn't have done the same thing. She didn't know me how was she suppose to know if I was drunk/bank robber/ child beater what ever. I just think she should have let it go when she didn't find anything not make a big deal out of how many mailing addresses I've had.