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Main Forums => Second Families => Topic started by: Ref on Dec 22, 2007, 05:19:38 AM

Title: Lamenting SD's holiday visit
Post by: Ref on Dec 22, 2007, 05:19:38 AM
I feel like a terrible person. Ever since we bought the tickets for SD to fly up, a month ago, I have been terribly depressed. I hate it that I don't want to see her. Before it was always such an exciting time. I would look for festivals or special shows to take her to, I would decorate the house. This year we have no tree and I have been planning ways for me to go off on my own while she is here.

I love SD, but I have had it. She is so brainwashed by her psyco mom, I don't know what to do. I have been playing over and over in my mind what I am going to say to SD about her telling me that I am over involved and should be "informed not involved" and how I was manipulative because I asked her to think of her whole family when she makes the decision to not to see us at all this winter.

I have always bowed out when SD was here. I always made sure to ask if SD would prefer to go somewhere alone with her dad. Usually she asked to go with ME places. I sent her 1 card in the 12 years I knew her to have BM intercept it and tell me that this "$hit was going to fly" and that she HAD to allow DH contact but not me.

Anyway, I have always been fair and if ANYTHING a complete angel with SD. I have never said anything bad about her mom, but I am really thinking I might tell her how it is when she is here. Maybe that is why I am nervous and blue. I just know that a few months away from 17, SD is old enough to know a little bit of the truth and I HATE confrontation.

It is so sad to me that this is where it ended up. At least she is coming to see DH and family. He doesn't really get to talk with her much anymore. Maybe once a month and it is stained. SD is in counceling (at BM's work) because, as BM said, of DH. Oh crap... I don't even know what to say about that.

Well, we have under 500 days left of having to legally deal with BM it started in the thousands, so there is not that much left. I just hope DH's relationship with SD doesn't deminish anymore.

Love to all of you during these great winter holidays and I wish wonderful things for all of you in 2008.

Title: RE: Lamenting SD's holiday visit
Post by: mistoffolees on Dec 22, 2007, 05:27:58 AM
While it probably won't help, I don't think there's any reason to feel bad about it. If you can look yourself in the eye and say that you did the best you could, that's all you can do. It takes two to have a relationship and if SD doesn't want to, you can't control it.

My situation is similar, although not as bad. I married my ex when her daughters were 6 and 7. For 14 years, I was like a father to them - we did everything together and had a great time. I don't think any of the friction was worse than normal parent-child teenage years.

Then I divorced their mother and they stopped communicating with me. Won't return phone calls, won't acknowledge gifts - in fact, the older one doesn't even cash the checks I send.

All because their mother has told them a lot of things about me that aren't true. (And they've known their entire lives that their mother isn't entirely truthful). So they threw away 14 years of a very solid relationship because of their mother's alienation.

I miss them, but there's nothing I can do about it but continue to try to maintain a relationship. If they don't want to be a part of that, it's their choice.

However, I have a feeling that once they're out on their own, their mother's influence is going to weaken and they may be back in touch. Until then (if it ever happens), it's out of my hands.

Good luck and I hope you have a great Christmas, anyway.
Title: RE: Lamenting SD's holiday visit
Post by: MixedBag on Dec 22, 2007, 05:33:37 AM
Girl, just follow your gut and your heart while she's there and dad's lead on stuff.

And if you blurt something out here and there that probably shouldn't have been said, don't fret.

You'll be fine.....don't let her get you down.
Title: I guess I was worried for nothing
Post by: Ref on Dec 26, 2007, 07:50:04 PM
SD just called and picked a fight with DH. She said she didn't want to come here on Saturday. Poor Mr. Ref. He is such a good man.

Ugh... Not a good evening.

Title: Wrong again
Post by: Ref on Dec 31, 2007, 11:34:48 AM
She came up. It has been ok but no real conversation has started. I am not happy. At first she seemed fine but then she started talking about all her friends who have cars and how hard it will be for her to get a job without a car.

I figured the only reason she made it up was to work an angle. I don't trust her at all. Not after all the nonesense that she pulls. There is no way that girl is getting a car from us. She is irresponsible and disrespectful. The only reason she needs a job is because her mom's insurance went up after she got her license. If she were mine, I wouldn't allow her to get a car or her license until she gets better grades. She is still getting D's although she is staying mainly in the C and B range. Her teachers say she isn't doing her homework or studying, so how is she supposed to find time to do that if she is working?

Ugh.. Anyway, here she is and for the first time ever, I don't want her here. I guess I can't always be the good person I want to be.

Title: RE: Wrong again
Post by: mistoffolees on Dec 31, 2007, 11:46:26 AM
>Ugh.. Anyway, here she is and for the first time ever, I don't
>want her here. I guess I can't always be the good person I
>want to be.

Don't kick yourself. You've tried your best. It takes two people to make a relationship work and if she'd dead-set against it, there's nothing you can do about it.
Title: Another twist to the plot
Post by: Ref on Jan 03, 2008, 06:04:25 AM
We went to visit DH's uncle in the hospital yesterday. This man is 84 years old and work up until a November day when he had a massive hemmorhagic stroke. This is one of the reasons we wanted SD to come up this winter, to say goodbye to this wonderful man and show her support to her aunt.
These people always gave SD money whenever she came to visit. They couldn't afford groceries, not to mention give money to SD. On the car rides back DH would reach back and say "give it up" SD would pass him the $ and he would take the cash and buy a giftcard at the grocery store his aunt and uncle go to and mailed it to them. They are old and stubborn and would refuse the money back if it were done any other way.

DH's aunt gave SD $25 yesterday after SD looked at a withered up man that used to be her uncle, after she heard about her aunt being afraid that she couldn't keep her home. I asked DH to see if she would volunteer the money to return, kinda as a test to see if she is as selfish as she has seemed. Sadly SD didn't give the money back. She kept it.

DH stops to get gas and SD jumps out of the car and says she has decided she wants to go back to her mom's early and her mom said she would pay for the $100 change fee for the ticket. That was it!

Not only was she so selfish that she made such a rough request after seeing his uncle (I guess in her mind it was only hard for her), but she obviously planned this for at least a day. DH blew up! He told her she was a dissapointment and that she has become a selfish person. He told her about how family was starting to give up on her because of all the stuff she is pulling. He told her that it made him sick that she was planning on keeping the $25 eventhough she looked her dying uncle's face and knowing that they could lose their home. She said she would give him the money, he told her to keep it and whatever stupid $25 thing she buys he hope she sees her uncles face in. Harsh, I know, but this was it. DH couldn't do anything anymore.

I just wanted to tell her to go in the house and pack her shit and I would take her on the next flight out. I didn't. I kept my mouth shut.

When we got home all sorts of stuff came out. Maybe it shouldn't have, but it did. SD said that DH could call her cellphone if he wanted to. DH told her that her mom refused to give him SD's number and explained how it happened. SD seem to believe it. SD said that family could contact her. I told her her mom expressly told me never to contact SD and I told her that we have recordings to prove it. So much came out that SD was lied to about. I told Sd that she didn't have to believe what we were saying but I hope she thinks about the reality of things. I hope she sees that DH has a lot of close family, friends and business associates. He has a very happy marriage. BM refuses to speak with any of her family, has disfunctional (SD knows it) friends, held her first long term job at the age of 40, and doesn't have any romantic relationships. BM says DH has issues dealing with people and SD has said the same. I asked her to think about what makes sense here. That words can lie but if you look at how people live their lives, you should be able to figure it out.

So much came out. Court, travel, school pictures, denied visitation, DH standing at the airport with Sd not even on the plane. What a mess.

We are told that being a good parent you should take the highroad and not bring this stuff up. It was no longer an option. SD was told so much garbage growing up. What was DH's risk. SD was already screwing herself up by pushing away family. SD's relationship with DH was already going to hell. BM is already an angry mean b1tch. Nothing to lose.

SD will have a lot to think about. Hopefully she will figure it out before it is too late. DH's mother has had enough. I don't think she will ever recover her relationship with SD. SD did has now lost her gma.

We are sending her back tomorrow. I don't know how much I have left for her either. It just seems that after her hints for a car, her pawltry xmas gifts from family (they were all pissed), and saying bye to her uncle, it was no longer important to be here.

Poor DH. His heart is broken again.

Title: RE: Another twist to the plot
Post by: mistoffolees on Jan 03, 2008, 06:12:54 AM
Good luck.

Just keep in mind that it isn't any reflection on you or DH. Some kids believe everything they're told (and it SHOULD be that kids should believe what their parents tell them).

Give it a couple of years. You might be surprised.
Title: RE: Another twist to the plot
Post by: MixedBag on Jan 03, 2008, 11:22:59 AM
I bet DH (and you) feel better now that all that stuff came out.

and you said she seemed to be thinking about it all....

maybe the real storm has yet to happen.....down south.

Give your DH a huge hug -- sometimes this is the best course of action.

NOT when they are young, but geez, SD is almost emancipated.  Time for her to be putting two and two together on her own.
Title: My mantra, its almost over. its almost over
Post by: Ref on Jan 04, 2008, 05:44:35 AM
Alright, it is only a little over a year and we are done. I can't wait.
Once DH sent BM the change info and the cost of the change fee, BM flipped out. Now she is saying that SD shouldn't be able to make decisions on when she comes and goes and that she (BM) needs "me" time. HA! Her arguement since SD was 11 years old was that she was old enough to make her own decisions, now SD is almost an adult and BM thinks she shouldn't.

The funny part is that SD told us that BM wants her to talk to DH about paying for SD's car insurance. Bm is nuts. SD knows that DH will not pay for crap after all of this. No car, no insurance... She didn't even get much as far as presents this year for xmas. SD said she wouldn't request that he pay for insurance because she knows that DH wont.

It isn't a money thing at all. It is all about refusing to be manipulated.

Its almost over...Its almost over...