Having watched the flow of information from the sidelines for sometime now, I have decided that now is an appropriate time to note my observations on your approach to promoting the mission of SPARC. Having read posts to and from the site administrators, it is clear to me (and I am sure to most others) that the ultimate goal of SPARC is to provide a forum for the exchange of useful information, legal and experiential advice, and practical strategies for dealing with complex parenting issues.
What may have begun initially as an effort to help single fathers deal with difficult problems involving custody, visitation, support, and ex-spousal relationships has now expanded to include both male and female parenting issues. Consequently, all input and advice should serve the ultimate goal of eliminating barriers and leveling the playing field for both fathers and mothers. Anything that hinders the attainment of that goal is not only non-productive, but is actually counter-productive.
Any information or posts that serve to inflame antagonistic attitudes between fathers and mothers, and any efforts to promote a hostile atmosphere in the parenting environment will have the result of creating a non-nurturing (read : "hurtful") environment for the children. Thus, such activity is in direct conflict with the goal and mission of SPARC.
We must never lose sight of the fact that everything that we (fathers and mothers)do must have as the primary goal, fostering the welfare of the children. On occasions when we forget that objective, the courts are quick to remind us. When we forget too often, they make judgments against us, even to the point of appointing a GAL to represent the interests of the children. It is all too easy for feuding parents to make themselves the center of the battle and engage in one-upmanship. There are those who, for personal aggrandizement, will encourage that conflict. That approach always ends in failure for everyone.
For some time now, I have observed that you have taken the liberty of frequently posting topics that you disingenuously promote under the guise of "anti-feminist" information. The message that is actually being clearly sent is the philosophy of contempt for ex-wives/mothers. Your efforts, rather than helping to improve communication between parents, are serving to fan the flames of hostility and promote disharmony. In the interests of harmony, such postings must stop. They are irrelevant to the purpose of SPARC.
While your intentions themselves are disquieting, they are even more noxious considering that they are in direct contradiction to your role as a moderator of forums. In such capacity, your obligation—your mandate, is to prohibit the same misuse of the forum that you are promoting. Why you have chosen to recklessly abandon the honorable responsibility of your position, I cannot imagine. And why the primary administrators of the site have permitted you to so egregiously violate their mission and aspects of the published Acceptable Use Policy is additionally puzzling.
Having participated in numerous discussion boards on a variety of topics, I must confess that I have never witnessed the excesses, in content, attitude, and language, permitted on this board. The relevance of topics, the quality of discussion, the demeanor of the participants, and the management of the board reflect the integrity, character, and professionalism of those administering oversight. If SPARC desires to be viewed as having a philosophy grounded in professionalism, with promoting the welfare of families as its mission, then some serious adjustments to posting policies must be established. Failing to do so will result in SPARC earning a deserving reputation of being nothing more than another of the trashy, disreputable sites that proliferate daily on the Internet. And it will be abandoned by all but those of such mentality,
I have observed a profound amount of quality information and advice provided by SPARC. I know there are devoted professionals—attorneys, psychologists, and counselors—who contribute significant time and energy to promoting a positive image for the site. I have seen caring, responsible parents giving helpful advice to others. But I have also seen a negative, deleterious attitude of hostility growing rampantly, promoted by irresponsible individuals. That attitude will ultimately undo all of the positive contributions and progress made by SPARC, and it will spiral down to a standard even lower than mediocrity.
It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices.
>A. Dumbledore<
I would take your post more seriously if you didn't have the exact same IP address as "nerd".
Or is it just an amazing coincidence that they're exactly the same?
Your IP: 24.53.138.xx
Nerd's IP: 24.53.138.xx
(I obscured the last two numbers for your security, but I'll post them if you want me to.)
Some of your points are worth responding to, however, and I'll do that as soon as I have the time.
>it is clear to me (and I am sure to most
>others) that the ultimate goal of SPARC is to provide a forum
>for the exchange of useful information, legal and experiential
>advice, and practical strategies for dealing with complex
>parenting issues.
I can agree with that. It's not a complete description, but it'll do. So far, so good.
>Consequently, all input and advice should serve the ultimate
>goal of eliminating barriers and leveling the playing field
>for both fathers and mothers.
In general that's correct, with the exception of the word "all".
>Anything that hinders the attainment of that goal is
>not only non-productive, but is actually counter-productive.
If that were true, no posts would be allowed that didn't directly and exclusively focus on divorce and custody issues. Clearly, this is not only impractical, but unreasonable as well. (Some would say "stupid").) But you could start your own forum where you could enforce, err, I mean 'promote' that kind of community.
>Any information or posts that serve to inflame antagonistic
>attitudes between fathers and mothers, and any efforts to
>promote a hostile atmosphere in the parenting environment will
>have the result of creating a non-nurturing (read : "hurtful")
>environment for the children.
Oh, and I'm sure you'll be good enough to tell us exactly which posts those are, and why. And as a bonus, you'll tell us exactly what to think, too. How convenient! No more of that tiresome thinking and deciding for ourselves- "charles/nerd" will do all that for us.
>Thus, such activity is in direct
>conflict with the goal and mission of SPARC.
No, not necessarily. This place is not 100% all business, all the time. It was never intended to be that way, and I'm glad.
>For some time now, I have observed that you have taken the
>liberty of frequently posting topics that you disingenuously
>promote under the guise of "anti-feminist" information.
Ahhh, so you can even read my mind, too, and tell exactly why I post what I do. Amazing. My "disingenuous" Master Plan has been found out!
>The message that is actually being clearly sent is the philosophy
>of contempt for ex-wives/mothers.
You couldn't be more wrong if you tried. I like women, and have no 'contempt' for ex-wives or mothers. But it's revealing that you would say something like this. I guess we know where you're coming from, eh?
>Your efforts, rather than
>helping to improve communication between parents, are serving
>to fan the flames of hostility and promote disharmony.
Well, that's your opinion. It's completely erroneous, but what the heck, if you're going to make me out to be an evil, disharmonious guy, why stop there? Why not blame me for the Mideast crisis as well?
>In the interests of harmony, such postings must stop.
>They are irrelevant to the purpose of SPARC.
And this is where I get to tell you that not only do you not have the right to make such a ridiculous, asinine demand, but you're wrong in that they're "irrelevant to the purpose of SPARC". One of the things SPARC does is raise awareness of issues that face fathers and non-custodial parents. Hello?? It's kind of hard to do that without talking about the issues, don't you think? Of course if you take the issues personally, that would go a long way toward explaining your feelings and position on this matter, nerd, ooops, I mean "charles".
>While your intentions themselves are disquieting, they are
>even more noxious considering that they are in direct
>contradiction to your role as a moderator of forums. In such
>capacity, your obligation—your mandate, is to prohibit the
>same misuse of the forum that you are promoting.
Ahhh, I see- label it "misuse", and suddenly that makes me the bad guy. Sorry, ain't buying it, and neither is anyone else. And besides, you don't have a clear understanding of what my role here is, or why I do what I do. (But don't let that stop you from making stuff up on the fly, and attributing the worst possible motives to everything I do.)
>Why you have
>chosen to recklessly abandon the honorable responsibility of
>your position,
"Recklessly abandon my honorable responsibility"? LOL! Did you take a lot of Drama classes in High School?
>I cannot imagine. And why the primary
>administrators of the site have permitted you to so
>egregiously violate their mission and aspects of the published
>Acceptable Use Policy is additionally puzzling.
Well, maybe it's because I haven't violated the AUP, as you claim. And maybe they don't see me as The Evil Woman-Hating Brent, the way you do.
>Having participated in numerous discussion boards on a variety
>of topics, I must confess that I have never witnessed the
>excesses, in content, attitude, and language, permitted on
>this board.
And of course you'll be completely unable to provide specific, concrete examples of this, right? If not, point some out.
You must live in a bubble on the Moon if you've never heard bad language on the internet. And I seriously doubt you've ever participated on any message board, or you'd know that what goes on here is pretty tame compared to the rest of the internet. Try divorcenet.com or divorcesource.com if you want to see what "excesses in content, attitude, and language" really look like. And stop talking like a pompous ass, while you're at it.
>The relevance of topics, the quality of
>discussion, the demeanor of the participants, and the
>management of the board reflect the integrity, character, and
>professionalism of those administering oversight.
No, they actually don't. But if you want to believe this, it's okay by me. The fact is that the admin can't possibly monitor all 70 message boards on an hourly basis, looking for "excesses" (whatever that means). He actually has a life and he doesn't feel like spending 24 hours a day obsessively watching the boards just to make sure you don't see a bad word or two.
>If SPARC desires to be viewed as having a philosophy grounded in
>professionalism, with promoting the welfare of families as its
>mission, then some serious adjustments to posting policies
>must be established.
God, you are such an anal little control freak. I just bet that you're a dream to live with. Are you willing to devote your free time to enforcing these fabulous new policies? What in the world makes you think that the management here isn't satisfied with the way things are right now? I doubt that Waylon has any desire to turn this place into a concentration camp, run by your pet policies.
>Failing to do so will result in SPARC
>earning a deserving reputation of being nothing more than
>another of the trashy, disreputable sites that proliferate
>daily on the Internet. And it will be abandoned by all but
>those of such mentality
Hmmm, somehow that possibility just doesn't appear at or near the top of my Worry List. But I love the way you can predict the future.
The fact is that SPARC's traffic, hits, and visitors have been climbing steadily, month after month, year after year, as regular as clockwork. I don't see it being "abandoned" anytime this century. This place has more practical, useful information available than anywhere else. I doubt people will stop coming here just because it's not run the way you want it to be.
>But I have also seen a
>negative, deleterious attitude of hostility growing rampantly,
>promoted by irresponsible individuals.
Wow, "deleterious". You hardly ever see that word used, except by demagogues. Now don't 'negative' and 'deleterious' mean essentially the same thing? If I didn't know better, I'd say you were just humping a dictionary to make it sound like you have some idea what you're talking about.
>That attitude will
>ultimately undo all of the positive contributions and progress
>made by SPARC, and it will spiral down to a standard even
>lower than mediocrity.
Yes, well, you be sure to write us and tell us when that happens, okay? (Christ, and I thought your alter ego 'nerd' was a blowhard. You're way more wordy and dramatic. Isn't this where you cry out "Oh, the humanity!"?)
Charles/nerd,
Amazing that you have the same IP address! What a coincidence! On that note ....when I read the original post from nerd, I thought, well, everyone is entitled to their opinion. But now when it is "backed up" by "someone else" with the same views it has infuriated me. My experience on these boards, while limited, has been pretty positive. But the one thing, above all others, that I enjoy is the candor of the folks who post here. Right or wrong, it comes from the heart and it is honest. Having the same IP address or using another name to express the same views is not honest, it is deceitful. Sounds like a lot of ex-spouses on this board. It sounds like Nerd stated an opinion, didn't like the response, so set up "another" opinion to back up the first one. If you don't like it..GET OFF! Leave....Don't force your opinions on us. Stating them is one thing, heck, it's the American way. But deceit and lying is something we all deal with on a day to day basis which is why some of us are here! Don't sabotage the forum with the same crimes we try to escape from....
Get the hell over yourself!
How dare you come here, soak up all the FREE RESOURCES for your daughter, only to threaten this site because you're mad at ONE person!
Take Mr. B down. That's fine (though you wouldn't succeed). He's an insignificant little blip on the //www.... one you should put on IGNORE if you don't like him. We're ALL little insignificant blips....who CARES about one person. But to threaten the head honcho like you are is sick and disgusting! He's done nothing to you...but offer you his HARD WORK! You're pathetic. I wonder how much money you've saved by coming here for advice? Thousands, maybe? Go hire a fricken lawyer and see if he/she gives you HALF the help SPARC does FOR FREE!!!!!!
You're a sad little person. Grandmothers are supposed to be nice, loving, kind....you're just a wrinkly old prune pissed off at men.
I hear that man hating site welcomes you with open arms. Go get your snuggles there........
I have used this site for some time now for information as well as comfort and find it to be a big help. There are many posts which carry a good message along with information that is valuable.
I've also noted Brent's posts and have found that some are helpful but lately they have become more acidic. I'm not knocking Brent, everyone is entitled to an opinion - but his posts don't seem to be as helpful as before.
Hopefully no-one will get disturbed and leave this site. It is and remains a godsend.
I also read Brents posts, and to his credit, I dont find them acidic, I find them to be reporductions for the most part of articles he has found relating either to the discrimination of men in general, OR the direct misrepresentation done to men by politicians , the media and Womens groups. He frequently interjects his own comments in places, BUT ITS CLEARLY HIS COMMENTS AND OPINIONS WITH DISCLAIMERS.
Any person on here is free to do exactly that.
If you want to talk about vile ,, try looking back at the articles posted by womens groups about men,, NOW,, THERES vile. Disagree?, Does my opinion offend? tuff noogies,, its my opinion and does not reflect SPARCS ect, ect, adnauseum.
>I've also noted Brent's posts and have found that some are
>helpful but lately they have become more acidic. I'm not
>knocking Brent, everyone is entitled to an opinion - but his
>posts don't seem to be as helpful as before.
Well, since I'm not the author of most of the material I post here, I would suggest that if you see something that bothers you, you should definitely write the author and let them know.
I almost always include a link back to the original article, so it should be relatively easy for you to contact them and let your feelings be known. If you'd prefer to complain about me here, that's fine too. :)
>Hopefully no-one will get disturbed and leave
>this site. It is and remains a godsend.
I think so too. Thanks for your comments.
My wife and I share the same IP address at home.
The important question is why you believe that my location is relevant to the issues open for discussion.
It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices.
>A. Dumbledore<
-----It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices.
>A. Dumbledore<-----
Albus is correct. You can make the choice to stay here and put in your experiences with custody, possibly helping others, you can make the choice to ignore Mr. B's postings, you can make the choice to better yourself.....or you can make the choice to find another forum which would "suit" you better.
You can also make the choice to stay here causing problems that this board simply doesn't need.
I appreciate your taking the time to write this. To help resolve the issues you raised, here are my suggestions:
Suggestion #1: If you don't like what you see here, then don't come here. It's your choice.
Suggestion #2: Don't demand that we censor the site for you. That's not going to happen.
Thanks for sharing.
Yes, I agree with you that is a helpful site. But be careful! You have said something that indicates that in your opinion as well, Brent's post are less than helpful and may be counterproductive. As he has threatened me, albeit a veiled threat, Brent may also decide to publicly post information about your computer that only SPARC Admin has a legal right to know on this board. In fact, the veiled threat, guised in a question of permission, is in direct contradiction to the site's Acceptable Use Policy that SPARC requires their members to uphold, and yet Brent, as a Moderator has stated publicly that he will violate his own boards AUP and post my IP address in entirety – with my permission of course, and proceeded to give all but the last two numbers in an effort to threaten the very security of my home computer system, even though he has no right to as a moderator. To even bring into the discussion posting my IP address is profound aggressive posturing, and a clear abuse of his position. Again, to what purpose would this veiled threat to the security of my home computer system serve in the interest of this board?
Brent, does this mean that anyone who calls attention to your getting out of hand with your posts, or disagrees with your posts as being inappropriate, will be threatened with the security of their home computers because you have access to information about their computers that the general public does not and should not have? As a moderator, is it not your goal to "moderate" the people who have become belligerent, abusive, and resorting to petty name-calling, etc? And yet, you allow it to continue unabated. This is very disturbing and I would caution anyone that the boards that you moderate are definitely not open for civil disagreement, and that you will allow, abusive posts (and even name calling replies have been sent to my inbox as private messages from SPARC members instead of being posted on the board in a less pusillanimous way), to carry on when it suits your purpose of gathering cohorts to help you bash.
I have as much right to a CIVIL opinion as any one else on this board has a right to a CIVIL opinion.
For those of you who have chosen to post very abusive replies and send abusive e-mail to my inbox, sooner or later it will be you in my place, as long as we have a moderator who refuses to moderate, and I will be there to see it happen because I plan to stay awhile, and I promise you, when your turn comes to be on the receiving end, and it will sooner or later...I will try to reply to you with a civil tongue, in the spirit of civil disagreement, as mature, intelligent human beings should.
we have individuals who "troll" this site - they are from other boards, seeking information about an ex or the ex of a friend. Many times they register with one or more names and ask many questions. And sometimes they just come to this site to post false information to see if they can get any of the posters to "bad-mouth" a BM - then take it back to their board and point a finger telling everyone on their board "SPARC is anti-mother and they're jerks." Sad, but true.
This is totally deceitful - apparently Brent determined the IP addresses were the same and thought, as many of us would have, that your IP addy had two registered users at SPARC who were one and the same.
It probably would have been helpful if Charles had identified himself as your husband in his first post to avoid any confusion of this nature.
I am not saying what was done was right or wrong - merely the reasoning behind it. Too often an ex has come to this site to glean information only to use it in court against the other one.
A sad commentary that, on all boards, we must watch our backs - never know who will show up where, being deceitful.
Now let us be done with all of this business as SPARC Admin posted just below.
Lol, at least he didn't tell nerd to go eat shit and bark at the moon, like he told me to. Or something like that...
If someone says something I totally disagree with, I have two choices. I can either ignore it, or jump in with both feet. I've exercised the third option of permanently leaving a board several times over the years.
We're all people here. Why can't members post funny stuff as well as serious topics? Btw, the 20.00 words are cracking me up )(
>As he has threatened me, albeit a veiled threat,
I haven't threatened you in any way, so don't even go there. You're such a victim. Can anyone do anything that doesn't offend or threaten you somehow? Geeez, give me a break.
>In fact, the veiled threat, guised in a
>question of permission,
Oh please. Give it a rest. The way you see it, if I ask permission, I'm threatening you. If I didn't ask permission, I'd be threatening you. If I'd asked you privately in email, I'd be threatening you there too. Is there a way to communicate with you that doesn't "threaten" you?
The real question is, why do you feel threatened? What is it that you're afraid of?
>Brent, as a Moderator has stated publicly
>that he will violate his own boards AUP and post my IP address
>in entirety
Nope, I said no such thing, and anyone can go read the posts and see for themselves. As a moderator, I can view IP addresses for the very reason that MKx2 stated- because some people come here to troll. I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that, of course.
> with my permission of course, and proceeded to
Yes, shame on me for asking for your permission. :)
>Again, to what purpose would
>this veiled threat to the security of my home computer system
>serve in the interest of this board?
See MKx2's post on trolls. That'll clue you in.
>
>Brent, does this mean that anyone who calls attention to your
>getting out of hand with your posts, or disagrees with your
>posts as being inappropriate, will be threatened with the
>security of their home computers because you have access to
>information about their computers that the general public does
>not and should not have?
It means that supposedly separate posters with the same IP may be asked why that is, just like you were. Funny how "charles" didn't bother to say he was your husband, something that you would think he would be very open about. Instead he made no mention of it, and presented himself as if was a completely disinterested 3rd party. That's a bit deceptive, don't you think?
>As a moderator, is it not your goal
>to "moderate" the people who have become belligerent, abusive,
>and resorting to petty name-calling, etc?
Where is all this name-calling you're referring to? Give me some actual examples with URLs here on these boards, or stop making this claim.
> This is very disturbing and I would
If it's that disturbing and threatening to you, why do you keep coming back? One would think you either like the conflict you're obviously causing, or you're lying about feeling "threatened". Which is it?
>definitely not open for civil disagreement, and that you will
>allow, abusive posts
Oh, yeah, no civil disagreements here. Except for all the posts you aren't a part of. 99% of the posts here are civil and helpful. You're the only one claiming that this place is a hotbed of hatred...but you won't give us any examples. I must conclude you are lying.
>(and even name calling replies have been
>sent to my inbox as private messages from SPARC members
>instead of being posted on the board in a less pusillanimous
>way),
Oh my god, should the admin censor private messages too? The way you've rigged it, he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. Here's a better idea- go into your User Menu panel and turn off the "Use private message system" option.
>to carry on when it suits your purpose of gathering
>cohorts to help you bash.
Oooh, my "cohorts". You mean "people that don't agree with me and are willing to say so". You mean those "cohorts"?
Hmmm, maybe my "cohorts" and I can all get matching T-shirts or something to help foster that team spirit. What do you think?
>I have as much right to a CIVIL opinion as any one else on
>this board has a right to a CIVIL opinion.
Well, actually, you don't. No one does. SPARC has no "civil opinion" guarantee that I could find in the AUP. We ask people to be polite, but there isn't anything that guarantees you a "civil opinion". Stop telling us what your "rights" are here, because you really don't have any "right" to anything here. You have no "right" to guaranteed access, or even that the site will be up. You have no "right" to a reply of any sort, and you don't have a "right" to expect any particular kind of response whatsoever. Where in the world do you get off claiming you have some "right" to something here?
You're here because someone else created this site, funded it, and maintained it. That doesn't give you the "right" to anything here. Your entitlement mentality is blatantly obvious.
>For those of you who have chosen to post very abusive replies
>and send abusive e-mail to my inbox, sooner or later it will
>be you in my place, as long as we have a moderator who refuses
>to moderate,
First, I don't condone anyone sending you abusive emails. (I'll assume you're telling the truth about this.) If anyone has done this, please stop immediately.
Second, I haven't seen any "abusive" replies to you on these boards. Please provide an example or two or stop making this claim.
>...I will try to reply to you with a civil tongue, in the spirit of
>civil disagreement, as mature, intelligent human beings
>should.
But don't you feel too "threatened" to sick around? lol
Don't worry- even you are welcome here, and telling us you're "going to be sticking around" isn't going to bother anyone here.
Now, are you going to provide some examples of the abusive replies you claim have been made to you, or not?
-----Now, are you going to provide some examples of the abusive replies you claim have been made to you, or not?-----
The abuser is me. I called Charles a "wrinkly old prune pissed off at men". I even abused you, too...called ya an insignificant little blip on the www .
I'm so mean...I just kill me sometimes.
I almost died laughing when he went after me. Ok, Mr. B...you know I love ya, so forgive me for doing this........
Anyway, SPG...Mr. B and I were in a thread about marriage. I made the "mistake" of saying I liked marriage. BIG TIME BOO BOO!!!!
He starts going off about how terrible it is, I kept coming back with my reasons for liking it. He'd come back, and so would I. Looking back, you'd have thunked we was married 'n shit...LOLOL
Finally, the ol' coot (yes, Mr. B, I'm talking about YOU) says that when I'm done with my husband, I'll steal his kids and money.
Now, you have to understand why I was wetting myself when I read this. (and still giggling up a storm writing this) Hub and I have never HAD kids. He has mine, but legally, I can't steal "his" kids. He has no money, we're 2 broke individdles! But Mr. B assumed that because I was a woman, I'd do this.
Kicked his butt something fierce....i shooooo did!!!! You KNOW I did, Mr. B!!!! Set that lil fanny straight, by golly!!!!
Oh, isn't he funny? Ya gotta love the ol man!!!! I bet we could sit here for days telling funny Mr. B stories...lmao!!!! He is weird, I'll "allow" him to share that title with me, but I think his heart is in the right place...to help others. I honestly don't think he deserves these attacks by nerd and her husband.
>The abuser is me. I called Charles a "wrinkly old prune
>pissed off at men". I even abused you, too...called ya an
>insignificant little blip on the www .
You woman-basher!! LOL, the funny thing is that both of those statements are true. ;)
Lol, something like that. It's around here somewhere.
What's up with nerd anyway?
>What's up with nerd anyway?
She and her husband think they have the right to decide how this site should be run, the right to rule on what content is acceptable to be posted, the right to a civil reply, and the right to order the admin to censor posts.
Needless to say, she's unhappy because the SPARC site won't jump to attention at her command. She's no doubt a very controlling person in her little world, everywhere except for here, and that upsets her to no end.
She keeps claiming that she's getting all sorts of "abusive" relies, but if they exist, no one can find them.
Her frequent use of the word "abusive" makes me think she one of these delicate little wussies who thinks the entire world should take pains to accomodate her personal prejudices, and that she should never see or hear anything that might "offend" her (another word she uses way too often).
You know what offends me personally. We've talked about that in private. Other than that one incident, I can't figure out why nerd is so offended about the content on this site. I replied to her saying that this site has come a long way in the last few years about attitudes towards women in general. Hey, I pitched a similar bitch about this site several years ago, but this is a good site even for CP's. For instance, I've learned that PAS can be a very sneaky thing. Even if it is NOT your intention to alienate the child against his/her parent, you can do it without realizing it, just by not watching your mouth when the kid is around.
I like the articles that you and everyone else posts. Besides being parents, we are also adults, and we don't live in a vacuum.
Maybe she should start her own website geared to grandparents. She could set the tone, and be in charge of content.
I'm really sorry that nerd feels the way she does.