SPARC Forums

Hi, I'm new here.
Late in life, I am blessed with a 4 month old son... Mom's having a hard time. I'm trying to rescue my marraige. This is what my wife, and mother of my child writes:

> VERBAL ABUSE: HOW TO SAVE YOURSELF
> Seven Signs You're In A Verbally Abusive Relationship
>
> A checklist from the book that woke up Brandy:
>
>
> 1.      He seems irritated or angry with you several times
> a week. When you ask why he's mad, he either denies it
> or tells you it's in some way your fault.
> 2.      When you feel hurt and try to talk with him, the
> issues never get resolved. He might refuse to discuss
> your upset feelings by saying "You're just trying to
> start an argument!" or claiming he has no idea what
> you're talking about.
> 3.      You frequently feel frustrated because you can't
> get him to understand your intentions.
> 4.      You're upset—not so much about concrete issues
> like how much time to spend together, but about
> communication: what he thinks you said and what you
> heard him say.
> 5.      You sometimes think, "What's wrong with me? I
> shouldn't feel so bad."
> 6.      He seems to take the opposite view from you on
> almost everything, and his opinion isn't stated as "I
> think," but as if you're wrong and he's right.
> 7.      You can't recall saying "Cut it out!" or "Stop
> it!"
>
> VERBAL ABUSE: HOW TO SAVE YOURSELF
>
> How can his voice drown out your inner knowing?
> Patricia Evans explains.
>
>
>         The abuse only happens when you're alone with him.
> Friends and coworkers might think he's a prince, so
> you doubt your own perceptions or believe his anger
> must be your fault.
>         Verbal abuse escalates gradually; you adapt. (The
> abuse might also become physical.) He's Jekyll and
> Hyde, with just enough sweet times to keep you hoping
> the relationship will improve.
>         Assuming he's rational (aren't all men?) and wants
> what you want (loving mutuality), you strain to make
> sense of what he says. But it's nonsense, designed to
> confuse you. The shocking truth is, he seeks control,
> not intimacy.
>
> Yet you can save your spirit. Evans maps out the steps
> to emotional rescue:
>
>
>         Recognize that the abuse has nothing to do with you
> or your actions or qualities.
>         Stop trying to explain and defend yourself. Instead,
> start setting limits: "Cut that out!" or "I don't want
> to hear that."
>         Listen carefully to your feelings. Believe them, not
> him.
>         Get support from a counselor or therapist. Make sure
> she understands that this isn't just a "conflict" or
> an "argument."
>         Keep in mind that an abuser might be able to change
> himself if he really wants to—but you can't change
> him. You can honor and nurture yourself.


And this is what I write back:

> I want you to take a break, and then carefully consider what you are
> saying here.  I belive I have been very good to you; treated you with
> respect and love; I see you do not feel that way.
>
> You are accusing me of abusing you. You are surfing legal web sites.
> You are degrading yourself  "yes dear, your're right as always, I'm
> just a fucking idiot." and blaming me. You are escalating arguments
> with words like 'divorce', 'strike', and 'combat'.
>
> I could turn this list you send from the book "Seven Signs You're In A
> Verbally Abusive Relationship" around and point every one of the
> points this author make at you.
>
> Are you going to use this 'book' to give up on our plan to raise a
> family together?  If so, go call a divorce attorney


Just looking for feedback...
The Saltbreez