I recently posted about my DSO's 8 year old daughter writing in her journal that she hated me. That was at Thanksgiving time! The next time we got to see them was the day after Christmas and they were staying with us (mainly me due to DSO work schedule) until 1/4.
While both kids were at the house, they started to say they watned to go home, our house has to many rules, I'm to mean to them, etc.... All of this I either overheard or was told to me by a very nice 11 year old that cornered the 8 year old for being rude and wanted to know why. She later came to me and told me what 8 year old said about me.
The thing is our rules are simple rules, not strict or harsh, but rules that I'm sure all of you have at your house and inforce, such as; brushing your teeth, making your bed, picking up your stuff, not jumping on furniture, USING YOUR MANNERS (which is a big one for me), going to bed at a reasonable hour, and things like that.
I don't think they have any rules or chores at their mothers house and have even said so. They don't have to brush their teeath, that's why their teeth are yellow and have cavities, they don't have to keep their room clean, that's why they loose stuff and stuff gets broken.
I know that BM says stuff about us, especially me infront of them and of course they will not ever say what, but now the 8 year old won't even look at me or answer my questions. My DSO knows what is going on, has talked to both of them, especially the 8 year old and says that talking with ex is just a waste of breath and nothing will change at her house. I do agree, but in the mean time, what on earth do I do. I'm getting no where with her except to the point that I want to bend her over my knee and spank her. UGH!!!!!!!!!! HELP
I'm sure you already know that, but do not ever, in any way shape or form discipline either of your SO's children physically. YOU will end up in jail. Trust me ... it can and will happen if you do.
I completely commiserate with you about the two you have with you ... I have three skids, and when they were younger they lived with with us full time (two have now emancipated, YSD is 16 and with PBFH, 'cause she has no rules and we do). It was hell on earth. All three of them told me I had no sayso in the house, they were rude, obnoxious, refused to listed AND DH never backed me up. Lovely situation - grrrrrrr!
In retrospect, I think what I should have done was to ignore any requests they had unless they spoke politely and civilly, refused to take them anywhere or pick up anything for them if they had been rude to me, and made damn sure that if DH wasn't going to be home when the skids were there that he hired a babysitter. I am totally serious. These three kids destroyed MY furniture, the carpeting in the house, put holes in the walls, and destroyed countless smaller belongings of mine and DH's. Completely wild.
Even today, SS who is 20 can destroy silverware, pens, DVD player, you name it, within 10 minutes of walking into the house. OSD is much better now, but YSD is just like her older brother.
I am sorry for you, as it will NOT get any better ... if it was me in your shoes, and I wasn't married to their dad I would just SO run the OTHER direction!
It ain't worth the pain, aggravation and emotional upheaval.
What, you can go to jail for spanking your step-children. Then I have a question, although it is a last opption. My husband does more then I.
We were asked that in court my husband an I both were about spanking the children. We both stated that we do as the last opption. The judge told bm and her attorny that I have every right to do so.
That if I believe the child needs a spanking if he does someting wrong I have every right to do so. He said I can't spank one child and not the other. If one of my bio children did something wrong and I spanked him and then my ss came along and did the samething , but he does not get the same consquince(sp?) then that send the wrong message to him and the other children. They are raising the children together as a family and as brothers they all will and should have the same punshments handed to them by the bf and mrs. bf.
The issue was brought up because after her summer visit when I picked up ss from her, he was excited, jumping , yelling etc. I told him four times to get in the car, my friend did too, I swated his bottom.
Now , the judge knew that I have a poa that states I have all rights my hubby has in the care and control of his son as spelled out in the court order. But you would still think that would make no since. We got it so I could pick-up son from her, sign things for school, and take him to the doctor etc. So would the poa cover that too, or would it be just because the judge said so?
This just confused my thats all ,what you said, and what the judge said to us???????????????????????????????????????????///
I disagree about the "not spanking your SO's children"...if they are living or staying in your house, then they abide by your rules. Period. And if they don't like it, they get a smack on the butt...
Sorry if this offends some people, but I will not tolerate that kind of behaviour in our home by my SO's kids. Neither will he and he has told me that I have his full support if I ever have to resort to spanking.
They get NO discipline at their mother's house, just alot of yelling. But here, they know the difference and they know the rules...same as above...brush your teeth, no running or jumping on furniture, no sassing, etc...pretty basic. My own children are well disciplined so I don't allow my SO's kids to get away with stuff either.
I don't believe you will go to jail. It's all in what the BM wants to take out of it, whether she KNOWS you are disciplining them or whether she WANTS to think you are abusing them...but you and your SO know the difference and believe it or not, so do the kids.
I have talked to the police about this issue, as well as our lawyer and social services ...
While a spanking is a normal thing in some families, if an adult uses ANY type of corporal punishment with a child and that child, and/or either bio parent makes a complaint about it ... the bio parents and child/or child [em]will be believed by the authorities[/em], and you will go to jail. You will then spend countless thousands on legal fees, etc. to prove you are not guilty of abuse.
The police, our lawyer and social services all told me the same thing: do not so much as touch the child.
Frankly I don't care if you believe it or not ... but understand these kids are all programmed in school from kindergarten on about "adults" touching them ... one only has to look at the number of bio parents falsely accused of abuse and the ensuing legal battles to get their rights back to believe that it just could be possible ....
First off, forget the spanking, regardless of the judge's comments. He didn't put it in the c.o., so it doesn't matter what he said. And if bm filed a complaint, although it may go nowhere, your dh may not see his children at all for up to a year or more while you go back and forth to court over "a nothing". So, it's not worth the risk is it?
If child is being disrespectful, send her to her room. Do not argue with her, just tell her she is to remain in her room until she can be courteous and respectful. End of story.
I think alot of your feelings are from you reading the diary, and thinking she doesn't like you. Well, that may or not be true, but in my case, I treated me ss differently than my own son, I only spanked him twice, once for lying, once for stealing. I never got turned in for it, and am lucky I didn't. I let him get away with alot my son wouldn't get away with, why? Because you can't have a child go from one type of home to another, without an adjustment period. Slowly let them get into the change from one household to the other. It's hard for kids to understand the change in rules, at any age.
Good luck
That you need a POA to do all those things for the kids?
(Pick up from school, take to Doctors, etc???)
and still don't agree....but, to each his own, I guess...
and unless someone has LIVED with the threat, by a child or the NCP, of abuse (of which there was none) ... they will NEVER be able to comprehend what I have said. YSD, in a rage one day, told me that if I ever asked her to clean her room again she would call her mother, the police, and tell them I had abused her and "put you away for good!" And this was said when she was a mere 12 years old. :-)
Small wonder I gave the advise I did.
Mk---Yeah, I've been accused of both physical & sexual abuse by the bm. All were false. However, had she called cps about the two times I did spank him, I would have been up the creek without a paddle, because I DID spank him, and would have said so. But the times she said I smacked him in the face, performed fellatio on my husband in front of the child, had sex in front of the child, played with the child's penis, etc., etc., etc. did not ever occur except in her warped mind. Our cps told us that the child did NOT belong in her care, and asked us to have the court subpoena their records. We tried, the court refused to do so. We tried and tried, the courts continued to refuse. I don't know why, they just wouldn't, and neither would the custody evaluator, or our mediator, of course, if it had been the other way around....and bm had requested this stuff, I bet they would have done it. Just shows how the fathers rights are continually blocked by idiotic, uncaring, think they know it all already, people.
However, good does win in the end, but now that ss lives with dad, I just wonder how he would be different if he had been "allowed" this many years ago when cps wanted to testify on our behalf and wasn't allowed to....hmmmm...
One year my husband was at his two weeks for gaurds, they made him issue me one so I could pick ss up from bm, in order to get him back to school on time.........plus so pick up does not interefere with his gaurd weekends. I only need it when I do that or sign papers, or take ss to the hospital.
unless it is specified in the court order, the step parent does NOT have the right to seek medical care (for the flu, etc.), take to the dentist, pick up from school, etc.
Amazing - we are raising the child with the bio parent yet haven't the right to do all the things that are supposed to be done.
>unless it is specified in the court order, the step
>parent does NOT have the right to seek medical
>care (for the flu, etc.), take to the dentist, pick
>up from school, etc.
I haven't read the whole thread so pardon me if I repeat something that's already been mentioned, but usually the NCP can use a Power of Attorney form for this kind of thing. The POA allows the step parent the right to do things like seek medical treatment for the child, pick him up, and so on.
It's kind of a long link, but this will bring up the Power of Attorney stuff:
http://www.deltabravo.net/cgi-bin/search.cgi?Terms=Power+Of+Attorney+Forms+&Match=1&Realm=All
One of the posters above didn't realize that you needed a POA in order to do these things ... without the POA in lieu of specific verbiage in the CO, step parent can't do nada (legally, that is).
Thank you for posting the link Brent ... my blonde brain at work again - LOL!
This is similar to my situation. I have known my SS since he was 5. He is now 10 1/2. Your rules are the same as mine. It irritates me the most when my SS mouth starts going. Lately he is opposistional. This child has been shown by example how to do his chores, table manners, share, etc, etc, etc for 5 1/2 years. To this day what is shown and taught at his BM house is what shines through. And it is similar to your story. Like you and your situation, this is sad and frustrating. All I can say is that you need to stick to your guns NOW. At the age of 8 you can still get her in line. As far as spanking, I have a 4 year that gets spanked. My DH has spanked my SS. To this day I have resisted the strong urge to spank my SS. I don't because: he is not my son, no matter how much I love him and put him first. Now that he is older I hand out more chores, usually in what ever part of the house or yard needs cleaned up most. When he is doing poor in math or spelling and SS gives me hard time, suddenly it is time to practice division. When SS was 8 he hated to write. I gave him a topic and he had to write. Started out with one paragraph and worked up to 5. (I liked that best) Even when upset with SS I gave something fun to write about; Best friend, day at beach, birthday party, what he LIKES about our house AND his BM house (nothing about what SS dislikes, we already know). My advice, and I am working on this hard myself, remain calm infront of the kids. Turn your back and count to 10. Find something to do with each child for 1 hour a week alone. There are times when I have to take two steps back with SS. I also posted 4 rules for each room of house and it actually worked. Bathroom: brush teeth, hang towels, put all bath supplies back in proper place. Kitchen: help set table, help clear table, play with little brother while I cook, help cook when asked. Bedroom: make bed, put pajamas away, put dirty clothes in hamper, pick up toys, vaccuum. I know this is getting long, I relate so much. All of this has helped at one time or other over the last 3 years. Every year or so I have to put a new twist on things. For some reason no matter how much things are consistant here there is always havac. So GOOD LUCK! My thoughts are with you.
its not in the court order, that Step-parents can not take him. They have a plain jane, loose co. only states they have joint legal custody, and share physical. States the times they each have physical custody, (no dates, no time for pick up/drop off are even in this thing). States they both have reasonable visitation and e/o christmas vacation. She picks up at beginning bf at the end. When he and when she can clain him on taxes and thats it. At the time this went into order she was moving 14 hours away that is in there too at the beginning, and bf was staying here, and the judge did not order any times to be added for pick up/drop off.
When I started coming here and reading everything I about had a cow. I will admit I knew not a thing nor did my husband and things are going better now with bm, they only thing we were really not doing was sending her school info, but she never asked and I never thought about it. But I do now............................................
I had full custody off my two and my attorny did not explain anything to me, I knew I had control of evrything but didn't know that I should have been keeping my ex.bf informed of medical care and school, he was not envolved anyway, never asked, lived in the same town and he never never asked to see the children, he signed his rights way and my husband adopted them. After that happened his sister contacted me and we all are still friends ,they said they were afraid I would say no. Anyway they still see his family often, thats good.
I never had a problem taking him to any doctor, or picking him up from school nor did my husband before he adopted my two, the school and the doc. office said as long as it does not state in the co that I can't bring him to their office, or pick him up from school then I can, of corse this was after I got the POA is when they told me this cause I thought that they may need a copy. But we never had a problem before that either. Its just you can't seak medical care from the hospital or sign anything that i needed one. I do most of the school stuff and doc. stuff hubby works 8-5 and its easier for me.
my mother, my brother and my friend have all taken my children to the doctor. With no problems.............of course it is their records that so and so brought them in........our doc records with a recorder..
xxxxx was seen in my office to day and is here with xxxxx.. His reason for being here is xxxxx, etc.
if the court order does not specifically state that the step parent IS allowed to do the doctor, dentist, etc. then TECHNICALLY the step parent cannot take the child. Issues arise when/if a bio parent objects, OR if the doctor, etc., will not see the child without the bio parent present.
It sounds like you have a doctor who uses common sense. At times they are difficult to find. I never meant to give the impression that I AGREED with the way things are - only to warn of what COULD happen.
Sounds like you're doing a good job Im - I hope things continue to go smoothly for you. :-)
understand your point of view if you were posed with the "threat" of abuse from SD, but MY point is that it's not like that in every situation...and if you can discipline the Skids the same way you discipline your own, the good for you. It makes things a hell of a lot easier in the long run.
the problem was, in our case, we did exactly that, but it didn't work. Perhaps it was because DS was the oldest, and only bio of mine. Doesn't matter why though. Things were a total disaster for us, with DH's kids, from the get go.
Thankfully we are down to 20 mos of CS, the three oldest are either in college or on their own, and we are beginning to settle in with a quieter lifestyle without nearly as much conflict.
No, I didn't know that it was neccessary to have POA to do those things.
I feel that since my X refuses to allow me any lee-way, pick up the kids from school, take them to the doctor's etc...then I guess He's going to have to get himself a POA for the wife to do so.
Ok....so yah....is that terrible to feel that way?
While I don't really believe in the "tit for tat" method of doing things, in your case I would definitely require a POA ... it is a minor thing to accomplish for your ex, and perhaps it might be a reminder to him that YOU are still the mother.
I did mean to sound mean or anything I was just confused. Our pediatrican that we have for the ss, was mine, my cousins, and is my bio-children's so he knows me very well.... But we never had problem at the dentist office or school...........
I wish that was us, but unfortunately, we are just starting our battle. My SO's kids are very young..7, 5, and 3...so we are not settling in for quiet time anytime soon!!
Good luck to you..
I agree with you and think you made a very important point at the end of your post. It is not easy for children to go back and forth with different standards in BMs and BFs homes.
Our situation is the same in that SDs have discipline at our house, and NONE at BMs. Every time we picked them up, it would take a few hours for them to adjust to our rules--sometimes even a whole day. Then they would revert back to BMs "rules" a few hours before we were supposed to get them back. Very frustrating for me!!
I am still working on being the adult, and having a bit more patience. We don't use physical punishments in our home, rather we use time outs and loss of privileges. But, looking back I think I was still a bit too harsh in some circumstances, and rationalized it by saying, "That's how I will treat my own children." My SDs have grown up in a home that is not mine, and have had experiences that my children will never have, and so I cannot treat them exactly the same. However, they will still be held to the same standards in our home. It's a very fine balancing act....
Another note on not spanking--we have not seen my SDs since July 2002 because BM accused my husband of abuse. As I mentioned earlier, we do not use any type of physical discipline in our home. But SDs were upset about discipline/chores/etc. in our home, they lied to BM and to counselor, and the judge believed the counselor. So just be careful..... They can turn the littlest things into something huge!