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Main Forums => Parenting Issues => Topic started by: true on Aug 01, 2004, 08:41:39 PM

Title: medical question
Post by: true on Aug 01, 2004, 08:41:39 PM
Hey there,

Giving a little background first, I am the CP.We share joint legal custody with myself having physical custody according to the papers.

My children are currently spending the summer with their father. I recently rec'd a telephone call from my oldest daugther requesting "insurance information". I told her that I would like to speak with her father. It wasnt an option. I asked to speak with the SO, that wasnt an option. I was told my youngest would be going to the dentist that morning. The insurance information was given over the phone to my daughter. (side note: The NCP has actual insurance cards that I sent in January as they updated the policy and new cards were issued to all card holders---I always get two sets one for me and one for him. By court order I have to update the courts with any change in medical information, they also rec'c a photocopy of the card in January. It just irks me that I look like the moron and my oldest gets put in the middle of a non-issue yet it appears to be one. I also asked her to have her father call me when he returned from work that night-didnt happen, I tried calling no answer, no machine to leave a message on.

The next day I was able to speak with my youngest. My goal is wanting to know what happened at the dentist. She informs me via my "first" name suddenly I am no longer "MoM". The first time I politely told her to "find her manners, that I was sure she had suddenly lost them". The name change continued but I was able to find out that she needs a "Root Canal" performed. She informs me that she has "chosen" to have the tooth pulled. (She is ten years old). I asked to speak with her father. He told me that he would be unable to have the root canal performed within the next 19 days before their return but could have the tooth pulled. I told him that I felt it was not in our daughters best interest to have the tooth pulled. He disagreed. I was able to get the Dr.'s number from him.

At this point, I realise that I cant control the situation from here and that my children are in his custody during his parenting time. I honestly do feel that pulling teeth is not in the best interest of children.

I guess my question is do I just "document" or do I document with a letter to the FOC office?

I have attempted over the years to try and cause the least amount of problems. IE: Out of Pocket medical expenses he ignores the bills that come to his home, even to the point of using his previous marriage address. In ten years time he has paid a total of $30.00 towards medical expenses. I know that the court will "go after him" for the out of pocket expenses but all that does is cause him to speak Negatively about me in front of my children. It  has been almost easier to just shut up and pay even when I struggle to pay at times.

I guess I dont understand how one can get the tooth pulled but cant have the root canal in 19 days. I told him I would call the Doctor to find out his recommendations for my daughter.

Thanks for your help.

PS: I may have been divorced for ten years but its been a bumpy road, my documentation according to everything that I have read recently here is at best deplorable. In a just a few days I have learned a wealth of information. It really is too bad I didnt have this website years ago.

Title: RE: medical question
Post by: joni on Aug 01, 2004, 11:36:47 PM

nasty stuff going on over there.  it's bad enough to have to deal with all of this adversity....but using your children as pawns and causing them to disrespect their mother on command is repulsive.

that being said...I'm sure your JLC details the parent having the children can make the decisions in their care.  I also find it odd that a 10 y.o. needs a root canal or a tooth pull.

I know that you're still steaming from the phone conversations that you've had to endure.  And you sit there being insulted and feeling very helpless.  I know, I've watched this happen to my husband with his child.

You need to cool enough and get your emotions back in check before you deal with your Ex.  Don't empower him.  That's why he's doing this to you.  I hope you know this.  So break that cycle.

Regarding the child, I think you need to go to the source...which is the dentist and get the story right the horse's pun intended....which is the dentist.  Phone the dentist, be calm cool and collected and ask them to explain what happened to your daughter and explain these options.

You may find you agree with the dentist....and your Ex.  If that's the case, the remaining issue is the lack of respect for you as the childrens' mother at that household.  Again, we're NCP's here and deal with it all of the time.  It's gotten better for us since we don't add fuel to her fire.  Takes all the steam out of it for her.

As long as it's a sound medical decision, and you will only know this after you speak with the dentist, you can't pursue it with the FOC if it's a good decision.  And the FOC won't address the lack of respect in that household.

When your children come back home, you'll be able to sit down with them like the little ladies that they are and have your attitude adjustment with them.  Remember, kids are smart and very good at survival and damage control.  Anything you hear over the phone from them is called...SURVIVAL.  It's what they got to do at their father's house to get by and it has nothing to do with the reality that they live when they're with you.

Title: RE: medical question
Post by: Imom on Aug 02, 2004, 10:37:53 PM
From my experience just don't be surpised if they will not talk with you over the phone, I just tried this last month as my ss is with his mom for the summer she called and said she took ss in for a check up and her doc. couldn't give him the meds he takes here so he put him on a different one because he had never heard of the medication. Plus she wanted us to pay for the meds because the state of Mississippi messed up everyones medicade(?). I knew she was lying but on the off chance that was true I was going to offer I called and they told me with the new hippa laws they couldn't release any info other then SS HAD NOT BEEN IN ALL SUMMER!!!!!! I did tell them what bm said and she did tell me a little more but said she would have to make notes in his file and send them this all took place on the 12th of July and I got the notes today. So I just wanted you to know they may not give you any info over the phone due to the new hippa laws.
Title: RE: medical question
Post by: msme on Aug 05, 2004, 08:07:15 AM
I guess the big question would be, is this a baby tooth or a permanent one. It might help to express the dentist a copy of the CO & any other such info.

Considering youe ex's history on paying his share, I would be willing to bet the decision comes down to money. If the ins. doesn't pay for the whole treatment, & many dental plans don't, then they probably want the balance paid when treatment is given.  It would cost a lot less for an extraction than a root canal.

Since he has not paid his share all along, you can bet he figures he won't get anything from you on it. Just my own impression. I would however do whatever it takes to find out what is going on & let the dentist know that you will hold him responsible if it is a permanant tooth & every effort is not made to save it.

If the root canal is the best option, & they cannot get it done before she returns, then they should be able to put a medicated temporary filling in & that should hold her & alleviate pain till she gets home.

Oh, also, does your CO say anything about surgery decisions? A lot of them say something to the effect that if there is JL, then both parents must sign, unless it is a life threatening emergency. Pulling a tooth is considered surgery.

Good luck & God bless

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!
Title: RE: medical question
Post by: true on Aug 05, 2004, 11:05:18 AM
Hi there,

Well the update goes like this. Three telephone calls to the dentist each time having to re-explain who I was on day one. On day two after having faxed a copy of the divorce order along with a copy of my insurance card as they were utlizing my insurance to cover some of the costs. The dentist did indeed telephone. He informed me that he had spoken with the ex's significant other and was given permission to speak to me. (I guess a divorce order doesnt hold has much ground as a signficant other does.) He gave me a sharp talking to in regards to my daughters teeth well that was until he found out that the ex was putting asprin directly onto the tooth. (that may be a very old way of treating painful teeth but all it does is erode the teeth even further and much quicker).
Bottom line is suddenly he had the time to perform the root canal. He would be doing it in two visits. Of course, this was after rec'ing my address for billing purposes etc. She is getting the root canal done now as we speak. My daughter has an appointment here when she returns for followup visit with her dentist. (This appointment is her usual six month appointment) The tooth in question was a permament tooth and really the best option was a root canal. The ex's biggest concern was the "out of pocket" expendture.

Perhaps the ex is thrilled at how he handled the situation because he must have known that I would go to great lengths to do what is right for my daughter and the expense would once again be directed towards myself. Thats not my issue I am just pleased that she will have potential to have her teeth.

Thanks for the help,
Title: good job for taking the higher road....
Post by: joni on Aug 09, 2004, 11:00:28 AM

....I have a favorite saying...Stupid people don't know they're stupid.

you're a great mom, you handled this situation without putting your daughter in the middle and without driving yourself crazy by going in circles with your Ex.  Good for you!!!!
Title: Root Canals...
Post by: KAT on Aug 12, 2004, 05:42:08 AM
I just had a voluntary removal of all my root canals last week. It has been a long time since I felt this good. My rc's weren't as old as your daughters would be at my age, but they were considerable. They were both done by 2 different doctors. Let me tell you what they found. The posts (just metal hanks really) were the size of marbles. The worst part was what didn't show up on x-rays. The roots (which aren't removed during the rc) were rotten. They were infected & rotting my jaw bone up into my sinus cavity and close to my orbital rim. Before you go thinking that I must have a trash mouth & not take care of myself, which is simply not the case. At 41 year old active, health conscience, vegetarian. I only have 2 filing besides the two rc's that I had removed & two wisdoms that I had to have removed years ago. The rest are straight & white. I will point out that it wasn't easy to find a dentist to remove already rc teeth. I almost had to wrestle with Dr. G to remove them, but after doing research I convinced him they had to come out. As I stated before x-rays showed nothing. Following the procedure the dentist stated that he was very glad to have had made the extractions as I was about to have serious complications (that could have threatened my life).  Now I have to play a wait & see game. Six months hopefully the bones have grown back sufficiently enough for implants. Luckily these are back teeth so I don't look like I need a Chicklet.

I realize this is OT, but I just wanted to take the opportunity to inform everyone to educate yourself. After this experience (I kid you not, it was disgusting!) I have become convinced that there are millions of people suffering from many aliments caused by nasty, infected & potentially dangerous root canals. Who knew? Certainly not me, I was just looking for answers to declining energy & basic health.
My best to all.
Title: I think most dentists fail to tell.....
Post by: msme on Aug 12, 2004, 07:13:59 AM
their patients that root canals are not supposed to be a permanent fix. They are only supposed to last approximately 10 years or so. several years back, I ran into the doc who did my mouth, (now 41 years ago) & he was amazed that everything was still intact. He was a professor at Temple University when he did it.

He told me then that, generally, dead teeth (they kill it when they do a RC) rot & deteriorate in about 10 years. He told me then that if anything bothered me or I had any unexplained illness, to have them checked. He also told me that he wasn't surprised that mine had lasted so long because,he remembered that I had remarkably strong teeth.

I had 14 RCs with gold crowns, a fixed bridge & a partial. I just recently lost the first one. I guess they really should tell people about the time frame.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!
Title: DS's dad said it even better........
Post by: Kitty C. on Aug 12, 2004, 07:58:51 AM
.....he called them 'unconscious incompetants'......they don't know that they don't know!