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Main Forums => Parenting Issues => Topic started by: sad stepmother on Oct 09, 2004, 11:50:37 AM

Title: 6 year old has cell phone
Post by: sad stepmother on Oct 09, 2004, 11:50:37 AM
Hi all!

My six year old stepson has recently began bringing a cell phone over on his weekend's with us, a supposed "gift" from his mother so that the child can call her whenever he wants to. The child's mother has been accusing us of not allowing the child to talk to her when he is at our home.  We certainly allow the child to talk to her if he asks to call her problem is that the child is so busy playing with his toys and dad that he often decides not to call her even when we encourage him to do so.

I didn't mind the cell phone at first because the child would call his mom on his own phone and leave our land line clear (being that mom will keep him on the phone for awhile) but lately the child does not want to call his mom when he is at our house and we are being accused of taking the cell phone away.  Another problem that we are having is that when the child does call his mother on the cell phone it's usually to "taddle" on us if the child gets in trouble or is told "no" to a request.

This is not appropriate and We have requested that the cell phone not come with him to our house.  We do our exchanges through the CASA monitored exchange program so a CASA volunteer brings the child to the waiting room where we wait to pick him up and there is no contact with the mother.  But despite our insistance that the cell phone stay home it continues to come with him.  We can't exactly send it back being that the mother leaves the exchange center as soon as she drops him off. (that's how CASA works so the parents don't run into eachother)And we continue to be accused of "hiding" (mom's exact words) the phone from him.  When for the most part he simply doesn't desire to call her.

I think that a 6 year old is too young to have an expensive cell phone, he is very careless with his own toys and I am concerned that we will get balmed if something happens to the cell phone.

What are your thoughts??
Title: RE: 6 year old has cell phone
Post by: Stepmom0418 on Oct 09, 2004, 12:01:02 PM
I agree that a 6 year old is too young to have a cell phone.

A couple of questions for you....

1)Would CASA keep the phone untill the next excange??

2)Could you send a certified letter to BM?

In the letter request that the phone not be sent as SS is too young to be responsiable for the phone AND you have a land line that he can use if he chooses to call her. Also if the phone is sent to your home you will put it up until the end of the visit and if ss asks to call then he may use the land line phone to call her. I would also add that you and your DH will not be responsiable for the phone if BM insists on sending it with ss for the visit.

Good luck!!
Title: RE: 6 year old has cell phone
Post by: onedaddy on Oct 15, 2004, 04:32:49 AM
I would certainly send thay letter to clear you of any future accusation.

You might also want to make up a time to call the BM when the child is with you.  We have an order stating BM can speak with the children between 7-7:15PM.  BM calls us or we call her and hand the children the phone.

Title: RE: 6 year old has cell phone
Post by: ttfn on Oct 17, 2004, 05:24:32 AM
Having It written in the order a specific time doesn't guarentee the call will be made, I have that written  in my current order and father only knows that  it is a one way street , father is permitted to call any night during week  during his non parenting time, but also states he must initiate call on saturdays and vacation time while child is with him. To date that is NOT being done but father has no problem  calling  any other time.
 Child IS being told cannot call mom while there and has made it so uncomfortable for her to even think about it that she shy away from it.
 By giving the cell phone to a six year old  is what child and parent are comfortable  with then don't interfere unless you plan on making that call happen each and every time child is away from CP.  AS for being to young the child might be more responsible then you are giving credit for.
 Taking phone away because you don't want to be bothered or responsible you are displaying   more fricition between both parents.
Title: I do not agree...
Post by: ocean on Oct 17, 2004, 04:56:14 PM
She stated that the child has begun to call mom when he gets in trouble at Dad's to "complain" to BM. This has to stop now before it gets out of hand. I like the idea of sending that letter with the time the child will call the mother from the land line. The phone stays in child's bag in the off position. One phone call per night and let the rest go to voicemail or machine. The BM is trying to be controlling here. They are not stopping the phone call...different senerio than your own.
Title: RE: I do not agree...
Post by: kitten on Oct 17, 2004, 07:26:44 PM
When SO has the kids, he asks them every day if they want to call
BM and they say "no".  The kids want uninterupted time with Dad.  She can bring that up in court if she wants too, but no sense forcing them to call her and upsetting them.  When he calls and they don't want to talk to him, neither force them to.
Title: RE: I do not agree...
Post by: sad stepmother on Oct 18, 2004, 07:00:36 AM
Thank you! It's obvious that you understand the situation.  We do not oppose to SS calling to talk to mom, in fact we encourage it.  Problem is that SS doesn't want to call her and this weekend BM decided to start text messaging his cell phone because he didn't call her.  I forced SS to call her to put BM "at ease" (since BM has it in her head that SS is just so miserable when he is with us and misses her so much that he can't possibly have an enjoyable weekend away from her. Which simply isn't the case) since I have to read SS the messages because he can't read more than a few words.  Well, when SS called his mom, she asked him to put me on the phone(my husband was a work through all this) there is a court order stating that there is to be no telephone contact between the parties and that all communication needs to go through BM's attorney. (BM wanted it that way!) Unless an emergency occurs then BM is allowed to contact my husband through me (I don't like being caught up in the middle here).  With my SS looking up at me holding his cell phone I didn't want to hurt his feelings by refusing to talk to BM and hanging up on her.(which is what I'm supposed to do if she calls me and it's not an emergency) I took the phone and BM, though polite, starts going on about some of SS lost toys and how SS is just miserable because he can't find them, though SS never mentioned this to us. I told her that I would help him search for the toys but could make no guarantee's.  We have 3 kid's in the house SS missing toys could be anywhere.  The cell phone has to go.  Should we set a timeframe for SS to call BM every weekend whether he wants to or not?? Or should I give SS the cell phone have him put it in his nightstand and let her "text message" him all she wants to, and he can call her on his phone when he wants to??      
Title: RE: I do not agree...
Post by: Stepmom0418 on Oct 18, 2004, 07:40:50 AM
I peosonally would get rid of the cell phone!! BM is only using the cell phone as a way to control your home and myself I would not stand for it! Your house, your rules!!!


Send Bm the letter I mentioned above and ask her not to send the cell to your home and let her know that you are not going to be responsiable for the phone any longer if she sends it with SS. Then if she sends the cell phone put it up untill the visit is over and allow SS to use the land line phone if he chooses to call his BM!

My SS does not want to talk to his BM while at our home either so I know what you are saying when you say he dont want to talk to her! BM here also says SS is miserable with out her! (but yet he gets upset everytime we have to take him back to her)
Title: Phone Calls
Post by: Stepmomnow on Oct 18, 2004, 08:37:03 AM
I think you should turn the thing off when SS gets to your house and he can turn in back on when he leaves -

But reading the posts, I am very interested to find out that others have the same impression of phone calls that we have: THE KIDS DON'T LIKE THEM.  We were always told that the phone calls from the other parent were supposed to reassure the kids that the other parent was still connected to them.  But we find that SS does not like talking to either parent on the phone and can be quite rude to either of them when he decides to be.  He often gets them off the phone as quickly as possible (no matter where he is or whose house he is at).  It makes me question whether the phone calls are for the kids or the parents.
Title: RE: Phone Calls
Post by: Stepmom0418 on Oct 18, 2004, 12:59:41 PM
In our case the phone calls are for BM! There has only been 2 times that SS has asked to call Bm.... Once to ask if he could stay here longer and he was broken hearted when she told him no. The second time was when he wanted DH to shave his head and he said he had to ask his BM first, which by law was not the case but DH allowed him to call anyways.


In fact DH doesnt even have a phone number to call SS during the 2 weeks when he does not see him. So IMO the calls here are for BM.


One good thing about it is that the past 2 weekends that we had SS BM has not even attempted to call. (before this BM would call here at least 10 times from friday at 8pm to sunday at 8pm) I think that she finally got the hint that SS does not enjoy talking to her on the phone.

In fact he doesnt like to speak to anyone on the phone not even his brother or sisters. SS does not like the telephone at all.


Title: RE: 6 year old has cell phone
Post by: ttfn on Oct 18, 2004, 01:05:26 PM
One question to all who disagree, do you call the other parents house daily to speak with child while they are not with you?
 My childs father does that even though he is aware we are not there because  of an activity  either she or I are involved, someone brought up the comment about controlling  I agree with that in as much as father is  trying to  keep me under thumb every day to be at beckon call for a phone  call. My daughter  speaks to father for a few minutes and politely says she wants to get off now and she hangs phone up (child is 5). She controls the amount of time on phone not me I have worked with her  so she has some ettiquette while on the phone.  Does this also mean I needn't feel obligated to be tied to a house for  a call that might come in?
 Text messaging is a bit to advanced since reading  is not a     strong point      with someone at this age. The evalutator that is currently doing the evalution has leaning towards regular contact with parent  that child is not with  on the EOW or week schedule. depending on where children are at.  Encourages computer and phone use, mind you father and are are not even agreeable about any thing.  Just a thought/question.
Title: RE: 6 year old has cell phone
Post by: sad stepmother on Oct 18, 2004, 01:18:16 PM
My husband wishes that he could call his son every day.  We don't even have the SS cell number to call him and my husband is forbidden to call his ex's home. (court ordered actually!!) though he did nothing to deserve it.  and when my husband could call, BM often would rather pick an arguement than allow him to talk to his son.
Title: Calling...
Post by: ocean on Oct 18, 2004, 03:03:01 PM
We called every night just to say hi when she was young. If she was at a school activity (that we could not attend because we went to games and stuff like that) then we left a message just to say goodnight. We did not have a good relationship with BM but SD would call BM when she was here each night too. Once in a while it was every other night. If the father wants to stay involved and wants to call , have your child call to say goodnight before going to bed. (after you came home from the activity). Sometimes it was 2 minutes and other times she would talk a lot longer. :)
Title: Writing is on the wall . . .
Post by: hagatha on Oct 19, 2004, 01:13:46 AM

You my friend, are about to be set up.

As she is using text messages to contact a child that cannot yet read, she is setting the stage. If the child is not coming to you with the phone and asking you to read it to him, Ignore all messages. If he comes to you with a message, tell him he must wait for daddy to come home to read the message. make whatever excuse you need. What I can see happening is she speaks briefly to the child and has him give you the phone, then she gets the chance to get to you and claim Anything.

I would suggest you tell him, if absolutely necessary, that mommy wants him to call and excuse yourself to the bathroom. If she gave him the phone, she should have instructed him on its use. He can dial himself. You cannot be around when he talks to mommy dearest. And you can NOT, EVER get on the phone yourself.

The Witch

Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!
Title: I would
Post by: kitten on Oct 19, 2004, 09:04:17 AM
send her a certified letter stating that we do not feel a cell phone is appropriate in our home, we will put the phone in a safe place while ss is at our house.  Once a day, before bed we will have child call BM.  If BM needs to contact child, she may call home phone #.  

A cell phone is not appropriate for such a young child, period!  If she tries to bring this up in court or whatnot, the letter clearly states that you are not denying phone contact, just that you feel the cell is inappropriate at your home.

I agree that this is about control, she is using her own child.
Title: I wouldn't want the cell phone to come with the kid
Post by: cathy on Oct 25, 2004, 03:54:43 PM
Can you explain the situation to the CASA volunteer and ask them to verify that the child does not have the cell phone because you do not agree with the child having the phone and do not want the responibility for the phone?

This is ridiculous - the kid is 6 years old!  They live in the moment. As one poster pointed out, kids just don't like these phone calls.  Sometimes they are just uncomfortable - sometimes they are just busy and excited in the change of environment.

If it did come over, I would definitely turn it off and put it away.  If I said anything to the kid, it would just be something along the lines of "Oh that is a rather expensive thing and I would hate for it to get messed up or misplaced.  I'm just going to put it for safe keeping until you leave>.

Title: RE: I wouldn't want the cell phone to come with the kid
Post by: sad stepmother on Oct 29, 2004, 10:06:41 AM
I have explained the situation to CASA, but they have no control over the situation and cannot force BM to take cell phone back home.  We will be keeping the cell phone turned off and if SS wants to call mom we will turn the phone on and allow him to do so. When he is done talking to mom the cell phone is turned off and placed back in a safe place and if SS doesn't want to talk to his mom then I will not force him to do it. Mom will just have to be upset.  Her house, Her rules, Our house,Our rules.  At our house the cell phone stays off unless SS requests to call.
Title: RE: 6 year old has cell phone
Post by: wendl on Oct 31, 2004, 11:13:25 AM
IMO 6 is toooo young for a cell phone. My son is 12 and I still won't allow him to have a cell phone, no reason for one  as we have a phone, we live in a small town so he can use any of the merchants phone in the town if need be.

Does it SPECIFY in your court order that mom has phone contact with chidl during Dads visitation?? If not continue to have your fun weekends. If it does SPECIFY it set up a time for child to call home limit call to a short amount of time ( I don't know any 6yr that really talks on the phone longer than 5 minutes)

Once child calls mom TURN OFF the cell phone and put in a safe spot.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**
Title: RE: 6 year old has cell phone
Post by: sad stepmother on Nov 07, 2004, 09:20:29 AM
We decided to neither encourage nor discourage the telephone contact, SS will continue to be allowed to bring his cell phone unless BM pulls another stunt and hurts SS feelings again.  Then the phone goes bye bye.  We had it written into a court order that we will help SS keep his phone charged if it is brought to our home and that we hold absolutely no liability if the phone gets damaged.  It's SS's business if he chooses to call his mother, but BM had been informed that her constant calls to the cell phone are disruptive and only upsets SS and causes his desire to want to call her to diminish. We'll see how things go.