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Main Forums => Parenting Issues => Topic started by: worriedmom on Aug 17, 2005, 11:07:17 AM

Title: Brainwashing my child
Post by: worriedmom on Aug 17, 2005, 11:07:17 AM
I am a happily married mother of 3 boys. My oldest boy (lukis) is 5 and visits his biological father every other weekend. I have tried to get his father to go to mediation and parenting classes but he refuses and is 900 dollars behind in child support. My son has been coming home telling us that his dad says he doesnt have to listen to us and that we are not his family. My ex and I were never married (in fact) he didnt even want to be in his life until my son was 4 yrs old. Just recently my son told us that if he calls my husband dad then his dad will spank him and take his toys away. He has also been extremely violent to my 2 yr old and tells me that if he doesnt hurt his little brother that the "bad guys from jail" will come "kill" him. I dont know what to do. Ive contacted state, they wont help and lawyers tell me i have no case. What am I supposed to do, just sit around while my son is being mentally and emotionally attacked by his father? Anybody been through this that can give me some insight in this? I lose sleep, getting depressed I just feel alone....

 
Title: RE: Brainwashing my child
Post by: Kitty C. on Aug 17, 2005, 12:02:40 PM
First, I recommend that you take him to a psychologist or therapist who specializes in pediatrics.  If he reports any abuse to them, they are required by law to report it.  And reporting by an objective 3rd party ALWAYS gets investigated, rather than a parent doing it and making it sound like a custody dispute.

Second, he should NOT be calling your husband 'Dad', since he's not your son's father.   Your son has ONE father and ONE mother and think of the opposite..........how would YOU feel if he remarried and your son called his new wife 'Mom'?
Title: RE: Brainwashing my child
Post by: kitten on Aug 17, 2005, 12:10:43 PM
Third, you can have have child support and mediation ordered.  Call or visit your local Family law court and they will walk you through it.  If he truly is being abusive, you owe it to your children.  
Title: Couple of things
Post by: dsm on Aug 17, 2005, 01:17:50 PM
#1.  Your son should not be calling your DH 'dad'.  He has a dad, as much as you and he don't get along, he's still your son's dad.  Your DH is not and should not be expecting to be called dad.   My SD has never called me mom and I've been involved in her life since she was a toddler - and been more of a mother to her than her own, but still I don't expect to be called mom.  She calls me dsm.   Her mom holds a special place in her heart - and that is how it should be.  Don't expect your son to divide his loyalty or love.

#2.  Your son is old enough to understand that he should not be mistreating anyone.  And I think that you need to instill in him that it is never right for anyone to hit anyone without due cause.  If he seems to be having trouble grasping this concept, and is under stress with it, look into a child counselor who will help him to realize that there is appropriate behavior.   Your son is also old enough to be in a discussion with you about family - explain that family doesn't have to be by blood - that he can love all people involved in his life - neighbors, friends, aunts, uncles, step-family members the same as he loves you or your ex.  And when he says that his dad says that no one in the step-family is his family, you say that his dad is entitled to his opinion but that you believe differently and that he should consider the people in his life family.

#3.  Don't involve your son in the matters of child support and what his dad owes.  Take that up with your local child support enforcement office and let them handle it with your ex.  

#4.  Reinforce to your son that there is no one that will come and hurt him.  

How often does your son see his dad?   You mentioned that until your son was 4 his dad was not involved in his life.   What you can do is send your ex a letter asking for him to stop discussing child support with your son; ask him to bring questions to your attention versus expecting a 5 yearold to answer how things run in your house; that you are bringing up your son to take value in important people in his life and that while your younger sons are not 100% blood relative they are in fact brothers and you are bringing him up to be a caring young man.   Don't expect that your letter will do anything to change things, but at least you will have it documented that you tried.  


==============================================================================

dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
------------------
2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....
Title: calling husband dad
Post by: mango on Aug 17, 2005, 01:56:30 PM
I recently went to a counselor and she advised me on this issue. She said that it should be entirely the childs choice how she/he address step-parents.

They may prefer to call step parents mom/dad, to fit in with the family, especially if there are other half-siblings are involved.

They may prefer first-name.

But at any rate the child should do what makes them comfortable, not what any of the parents want.

As for the brainwashing, I would try to find a counselor that is familiar with PAS in your local area.

Title: RE: Brainwashing my child
Post by: worriedmom on Aug 17, 2005, 03:08:01 PM
Ok well first off, my husband does not make him call him dad neither do I. His real dad doesnt want anything to do with him beyond his visitation and my husband is always there. He most of the time calls him by his first name but every once in a while he will call him dad. The thing that is aggrivating me is that my ex is threatning him over my sons choice, not mine. I let my oldest choose what he wants to call him. Whether its right or not, you still cant Threaten a 5 yr old. Thats my whole problem with this situation. My son used to come home scared to death, shaking and would bury his face in my lap for about an hour and then be stand-offish for a couple of days, I contacted state and they didnt do anything about it.
Title: RE: Couple of things
Post by: worriedmom on Aug 17, 2005, 03:22:12 PM
1. My son does not call him dad all the time. Every once in a while he will call him that but I gave him the choice of what he wants to call him. No 5 yr old should be threatened by a father that didnt want anything to do with him until he is 4 yrs old anyway. He shouldnt be threatened by Anyone.

2. My son is going to a psychologist but he wont talk to her like he talks to us. We ask him and he tells us everything. She asks and he clams up and just says he doesnt like his father and he doesnt like going over there. I have told this to the state...nothing happened at all.

3. I have never brought up the child support around my son nor do I ask my ex where its at. I was just stating that because he thinks he has the right to do all this to my son but yet cant support him like hes supposed to. He does nothing for him out of love, he does it because the court order says so, and half the time doesnt even listen to that.
 
4.I asked him to attend parenting class for split parents, he refused. I asked him to attend mediation, he refused. I sent him a letter experessing my concerns about Lukis ( I did not point any fingers) I just said we need to discuss some concerns I have. He didnt respond...

5. My son told me today that he is scared of getting spanked by his dad that is why he doesnt listen to my husband. My ex told him he will get spamked if he listens to him. Those are my concerns that no higher authority will listen to...
Title: RE: calling husband dad
Post by: worriedmom on Aug 17, 2005, 03:26:19 PM
My son did make his choice of what he wants to call him. 95% of the time he calls him by his name but every once in a while will call him dad. We do not by any means force him. The issue I am concerned with is that his father is threatning him. No child should be threatened by their parent or anybody. But im not getting through to the state about it, thats y i made the message board.
Title: RE: calling husband dad
Post by: wendl on Aug 17, 2005, 06:38:44 PM
Does dad have court ordered supervision, how long has he been taking visitation on a regular basis.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**
Title: RE: calling husband dad
Post by: ocean on Aug 17, 2005, 06:51:02 PM
What is his counselor saying? Did you voice your concerns to her? Maybe it is time for another counselor....is this one a child psycholgoist? If not, then ask around for a good one...ask at school too. Would he prefer to talk to a male? I would send him a certified letter stating your concerns and that if it continues that you will ask the court/psycholgist to intervene. (but your therapist now should have soem solutions that you and your son should be trying) Good luck!
Title: RE: calling husband dad
Post by: worriedmom on Aug 17, 2005, 07:50:14 PM
actually ordering supervision is my next step if mediation dosent work, and he has been taking him on a regular basis for a year. However none of this behavior started until I got married. I personally think its all vengeance and hes using my son to get back at me for not getting back with him
Title: RE: calling husband dad
Post by: worriedmom on Aug 17, 2005, 07:58:15 PM
His psychologist hasnt really said much but she did tell me to take legal action which is what i am working on but lawyers tell me there is no case for legal action at the moment because hes 5. I have told her all my concerns that have arised since hes been seeing her. She is a certified child psychologist but he has a hard time telling Anybody what he tells us. Im not sure if he would prefer a male, I might try that if she doesnt pan out but i think shes doing a good job and my son seems to be warming up to her a little more each time he goes.
 
I have sent him a certified letter about my concerns and offered to attend a parenting class specially for split parents. He didnt respond but another letter will be sent because if he refuses mediation a 2nd time then I am going to take legal action to force him to go.If he refuses to volunteer he is in violation of the court order we currently have. The most she has given us basically is some parenting skills we need to work on to help our son with his situation. Answers we could give him about something his father said and stuff like that. Thanks Im going to need luck to take on the state to make them listen to me
Title: RE: Couple of things
Post by: joni on Aug 17, 2005, 10:26:45 PM

How long has your son been going to this therapist?  If it's been a while and he won't open up, you may want to consider changing.  It seems your son doesn't trust or feel safe enough with the therapist to share.
Title: RE: calling husband dad
Post by: ocean on Aug 18, 2005, 05:42:53 AM
Will the therapist have a family visit with father? What would you ask for in mediation? Do you have anything in your papers that state mother/father will not talk badly about each other in front of child? If you do, highlight that paragraph and send it to him and maybe the therapist can make a phone call to say the same thing and if it continues she advises you to go to court. You will have to deal with this for a long time. You need to pick your battles and tell you son that nothing will happen to you and if dad or anyone hits him, he has plenty of people he could tell. I think that Dad probably go very mad about hearing that you son calls your DH Dad. It is a hard pill to swallow. In your next discussion with dad, I would tell him that he usually calls him by his first name and that sometimes he slips because you have two other children in the house calling DH dad. Reassure him that you make sure your son knows sho his father is. Good luck!!!
Title: RE: Couple of things
Post by: worriedmom on Aug 18, 2005, 05:48:50 AM
He has been going to her for about 7-8 months and he is starting to open up a little bit. He likes her and its going to take time no matter where I go.
Title: RE: calling husband dad
Post by: worriedmom on Aug 18, 2005, 06:00:53 AM
The psychologist has asked me about bringing his father to sessions but 1. He doesnt know hes going to one bc i am afraid hell try to ruin everything weve accomplished( he is THAT vengeful) and
2. If it doesnt say it in the court papers then he dont do it.
Probably in mediation im going to inform him of the psych and talk to him about coming to a few sessions but I doubt it will happen.

I mediation I am just going to bring up a lot of points about whats been going on and im going to inform him that if nothing changes then i will ask for supervised visitation. I may get it i may not but its worth a try.

I think we have that in the court papers. I know the fact is in there about not using the child as a messenger,  i got to check that out.  Ive tried to tell him that he doesnt call him dad all the time but hes stubborn and pigheaded and just hears what he wants to hear and does what he wants when he wants.

With his dad,it doesnt matter what I do. Im nice and i get crapped on, I am mean and he starts picking fights I give him an inch he takes 12 miles, he continously lies to me ( like about being arrested in front of my son) I cant trust him at all to be where he says when he takes off and is late bringing my son home, he used to be on heavy drugs and is an alcoholic. Its worthless to try to find a common ground with him. I try to talk to him and he starts a fight automatically getting defensive about anything.
Title: Keep working with the psychologist
Post by: dsm on Aug 18, 2005, 06:10:45 AM
It is typical for kids to clam up when they are talking with people they don't know/trust.   How long has he been seeing the psychologist?  It takes awhile to build that up and if she is worth anything, she will find ways to build the trust - talk about other things for awhile to put your boy at ease with talking with him.  And then one day, he will just open up like he does with you.   The state is not likely to step in.  You are going to have to gather your evidence and get your documentation together and do this on your own.   The psychologist can be a great asset for you - get recommendations from her on how to handle the situation.  You talk of your concerns and always in the sense of what is best for your son - how you don't want him to be anxious and worried of getting spanked.   How often is he supposed to see his dad?  Bring it up to your ex that your son is having adjustment issues - he is anxious, etc.  (don't say that your son is worried about being spanked, or talks to you about things that happens over there - because that may lead your ex to further intimade your son and then your son will have issues about talking to you and you want that line of communication to stay open).  Ask him for suggestions on dealing with it all - this is giving you the chance to document that you are trying to work with him.  If he reacts the way that your posts lead me to believe, he will probably refuse to work with you, deny that there is a problem, deny that there is anything going on at all.  But again, that gives you power and ammo to use - you would be showing that you are trying to cooperate and work with him and he refuses to work with you.  So therefore, changes would need to take place.  And, if your son starts to open up to the psychologist, she hopefully will agree that placement should be modified in some manner to help your boy.

This is a long battle, and you need to make sure that you get your ducks in a row and gear up for the long haul.  Be extremely professional and businesslike with your ex.  Give your son a bit of leave-way and benefit of the doubt for now - but also instill in him that you have expectations for him in your house - he is to treat others with respect, and love, etc.   Keep your documentation together.  By your ex already not responding to your letter asking to discuss concerns you have, this is helping you - hurting him.  Keep asking.  And bring it up with the psychologist - which maybe you may want to consider a counselor for him instead of a psychologist.  How long has your son been seeing her?  If it's been awhile and he still is not opening up - and there is nothing happening at the sessions, you may want to consider talking with someone else.  Just be careful not to switch too many times - because that could look like you are fishing for things to be wrong.

There's alot to consider and alot to take in.   You need to stay strong and focused - not get down on yourself or the situation.  Because if you are down and feeling guilty or depressed, then you are not helping anything.  Do you see that?

Keep talking....it helps.....figure out a plan and then go for it.   That's what is so nice about this site - throw your ideas out here and we'll help to fine-tune and give you the shoulders to cry on and lean on for support.

Keep your chin up mom.


==============================================================================

dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
------------------
2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....
Title: Okay, some things to do right off here
Post by: dsm on Aug 18, 2005, 06:38:17 AM
You should inform him that your son is seeing this psychologist.  This will come back to bite you big time if you don't - even though I think you are doing what needs to be done to help your son; your ex will be able to twist it that you are looking to force him out of your son's life.  This way, by you telling him now that your son is seeing Dr. X and it would be helpful for him to get involved in the sessions, you are inviting him to help parent.   You've got to give him enough rope to hang himself.   Show that you have tried everything you possibly can to work with him and he does not cooperate with you.

Ignore his attempts to argue.  If he starts fighting with you, ask yourself if the fight is worth anything - is it about what is happening right now, today, or is it about something that happened in the past, or how it's not fair that your DH is in the picture.   If it's not something that needs to be dealt with right then and there, then let it go.  Walk away from him, tell him on the phone that when he's calmed down to call you back and hang up.  Don't engage him, and then there is no fire.   Then when you are alone with your DH in your bedroom - scream into the pillow, rip up a magazine, pound a teddy bear.  Run a mile.  Whatever you need to get the anger out of you.  You have to keep a calm demeanor and keep yourself and your actions under control.

I posted this above, but it is worthy of posting again here.  The state is not - NOT - likely to get involved.  They have no party in this instance.  You have to make your case.  You have to present it (either on your own or through a lawyer).  And I understand that you've been told that you don't have a case to stand on right  now.  Keep talking with lawyers as you gather your documentation.  It very well may be that you don't have ENOUGH of a case to stand on - YET.  Keep building.  And get the recommendation of the psychologist for how your son can cope with things while you build your case.  Is the psychologist on board with you for limiting the visitation?


==============================================================================

dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
------------------
2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....
Title: RE: Okay, some things to do right off here
Post by: ocean on Aug 18, 2005, 08:50:18 AM
I agree with dsm....you need to let the father know....I would hope that if you send it in a letter that he is see XX dr for divorce issues and that the dr would like to have you at the next visit to discuss some of your and child's concerns.....he might back off knowing someone else is listening on it. If the three of you are in the same room with therapist and she says.."mommy and daddy have agreed that they will not say anything mean when you are around and that everyone loves him and wants what is best for him".  If father does not show up, therapist should call him and have a telephone conference to state the same things. If you want to post a letter, some of us can give you suggestions and to take out any emotion in it. If he does not do this, then you  have a paper trail plus the therapist. I also agree with DSM....I do not think mediation will work now....you need major proof to get supervised visits...they do not do mediation to talk about what can be done...that is what the therapist is for. If son, comes home from a visit and states something then tell him that you will talk to Dr.XXX next time we go and she will tell us what to do. Good luck....PS take a deep breathe and do something for yourself everyday or this will drive you crazy... :)
Title: RE: Okay, some things to do right off here
Post by: worriedmom on Aug 18, 2005, 10:17:23 AM
Thank you for the advice. I try my hardest to keep calm and lately ive been very civil and doing good with that. The psychologist thinks he has problems that need to b dealt with and she said that she agrees with me to ask for supervised visitation.
Title: RE: Okay, some things to do right off here
Post by: worriedmom on Aug 18, 2005, 10:22:21 AM
I see both your points about the psychologist (inviting the father) I agree that i should I am just scared he will use that to his advantage and plant things in his head to say. But I have given it a lot of thought and I have just about decided to invite him. I will write the letter and post it that sounds like a good idea bc i tend to get angry and write it like that. fresh, neutral eyes would be best Thankyou...
Title: RE: Keep working with the psychologist
Post by: worriedmom on Aug 18, 2005, 10:34:18 AM
i agree with you on everything. I just didnt think of those things. Thank you  As far as my son is concerned hes been seeing his psychologist for about 8 months or so, hes slowly starting to open up about a lot of stuff he just clams up when his dad is brought into the conversation and he tells us his dad doesnt want him to talk about it. I am ready for the long haul...
Title: RE: Okay, some things to do right off here
Post by: dontunderstand on Aug 18, 2005, 10:27:41 PM
I have had a similar situation.  Although there was abuse in my DD situation.  IMHO, I would be therapist shopping.  Not that she isn't nice or isn't good at what she does, but your son should be talking and I would also see about a therapist that specializes in "play therapy"  I am telling you, I learned things that DD was not comfortable and afraid to tell me about the abuse.  I would also get copies of ALL current therapists notes, ESPECIALLY if she agrees that visits need to be supervised.
Also, DD also calls DH by his name most of the time, but there are times when she calls him dad.  She is FULLY aware that she has a dad that will ALWAYS be her dad, but she also knows that he is NEVER there no matter how much she calls.  He NEVER calls her and he has CHOOSEN to see her once in the last 1 1/2 years.  While I do not encourage her to call DH dad, I do not make a big deal out of it when she does.  To me she is expressing her feelings.  As long as she doesn't forget about her bio. that is all that matters to me and that she is comfortable in the situation we were delt.  Good luck to you and your family in this difficult time....  
Title: Okay, so that is something to keep working on
Post by: dsm on Aug 19, 2005, 07:01:05 AM
The counselor should be able to help him make it more comfortable to talk about his dad.   It will take time - and the very fact that your son is so anxious about talking about what happens at his dad's house is plenty to be documented by the counselor and if your ex does get into the picture, she should be able to draw things out from both of them.

Hang in there.  Keep us updated.
==============================================================================

dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
------------------
2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....
Title: RE: Okay, so that is something to keep working on
Post by: worriedmom on Aug 19, 2005, 10:44:59 AM
thanks i will keep you updated    thanks for all the advice  i appreciate everyones time...
Title: RE: Okay, some things to do right off here
Post by: worriedmom on Aug 19, 2005, 10:47:44 AM
Thanks for your story, see I dont want to take him from him I just want him to get over what hes mad at me about and not use my son as a weapon against my feelings... I just dont know how to get him to understand that he is confusing and hurting my son in the process of playing his revenge tactics on me....
Title: RE: Okay, some things to do right off here
Post by: mj on Sep 14, 2005, 02:19:49 PM
I have read all the post to this topic.  I wish things were better for you.  I don't happen to agree with all the comments that were made however.  If your husband has been around your child for so long, and the BD just came into the picture when he was around four, why on earth wouldn't he be calling him daddy?  Yea, he has a dad alright, but he isn't the one that seems to be trying to psychologically damage him.  If you ask me, the BD needs to go straight to Jail!  This is the problem we have way too often in this world.  This is why we have juvenile homocides and suicides, because people seem to think they don't cause harm by filling our children up with our sick minds.  

I have been in my 32 month olds life since she was seven weeks.  She calls me daddy.  Her BD wasn't in her life until he found out she was a wonderful child, about a year old.  Now if he threatens her and her older sister about not calling me what THEY decided to call me, they want to come home.  Right now, they have twoo daddies, one is with them all the time and goes through the pain the endure as well as all the love they feel, but isn't around when the other takes over...fighting to try and make them NOT call me daddy.  What kind of a life is that for them...it won't be long before they decide they can't stand going over there because he is too full of himself and has forgotten what being a daddy is all about.  

I hope things get better for you and your son.  I pray that he will grow up to be a loving son.  I also pray that your ex begins to see past himself and starts to concentrate on spending some quality time with your son and forget about all that %^&* that is only harming him.  Like I said, I think he should be jailed. Let those mean guys in jail beat him up...then he'll wish he would have treated his son like a son instead of some weapon against you.
Title: RE: Brainwashing my child-----UPDATE-----9-20-05
Post by: worriedmom on Sep 20, 2005, 08:38:32 AM
OK well things might b worse but i would liketo thank ALL of u for your comments, I have certainly put them all to use or kept in mind.
I went to mediation last weekend (9-18-05) and i think by going, things became worse. This update is going to be a couple posts long but i want all the information in this so you can get a good picture and then I can understand your advice better if you choose to reply. ALL replies welcome whether you agree, disagree or indifferent. I need to know if what I am doing is right for my son. I am a young mother and this is my first child of 3 so i really have a lot to learn still. Here's my outline i made for mediation/list to discuss with my sons dad. The next post will b his comments to each topic and the mediators comments. NOTE: During mediation i did NOT at all accuse him of anything on the list. I asked him for his input on our sons behavior that has suddenly occurred in the past 7 months.

Mediation List of Things to Discuss
1. Not Being Involved with Lukis- Facts
  A. Kindergarten Night- didnt show up
  B. Kindergarten Screening (I asked him to go)- didnt show up
  C. Karate Nights- dosent come when he tells lukis he will be there
  D. First Day of Kindergarten- never even called to ask how it went
  E.Hasnt asked how hes doing in school
  F. Hasnt wanted to see his work hes been doing
  G. Called him to let him know about 103.8 fever- never called back

2. Not informing me of Changes
  A. His GF's hospitalization-I let him have him 3 days that were my week and asked him to call if anything changed (she was going in labor)
She was sent home that night and he never called
  B. His GF (i had never met) brought Lukis home and told me BD was helping dad (Lukis told me he went with the police and BD told me he was working)

3. Physical Appearance when brought back after 2 days
  A. Dirty/ Stinks
  B. Black Bags under eyes
  C. Shaky
  D. Returned Lukis in 95 degree heat with a 2T Sweatshirt(he wears a 6) and 3T pants (he wears a 7) and put on his coat. None of these clothes were the clothes I sent with him.

4. Picking Fights with my son around
  A. Lukis's Birthday (He was only supposed to have him from 9-6 and argued that I couldnt have him until 2 days after his bday when he knew i had a party planned at 8.)
  B. Sent him home with no underwear and told me I have all his underwear (yelling at me)
  C. I wrote him a "truce" letter offering parenting classes for parents that live apart ( Parenting Together Living Apart- name of classes)- he never responded and refused parenting classes with me
  D. His GF cussing me out in the background when I am trying to talk to him (my son was at his house and i could hear him crying hysterically) so I hung up to hopefully stop the yelling over there.

5. Violence
  A. He lets him play a MA rated game that i asked him to not let him play bc he comes home being violent towards my 2 yr old.
  B. Play fighting is ok but he doesnt stop when my son asks him to so he ends up being upset and not wanting to go back

6. Concerning things Lukis says when he comes home
  A. Our house is not his home
  B. If he doesnt hurt his brother then the bad guys from jail will come kill him
  C. He doesnt have to listen to us because his dad says so
  D. If he calls my husband dad then he will get spanked
    a. Scared of dad because of this
  E. He is not supposed to love us when he is at his dads
  F. He does not get showers or baths- begs for a shower the night he comes home
  G. Police officers are bad-doesnt like them ( I am in the police academy to be a police officer)
  H. Lukis questioning me about his BD going away with the police
  I. Swearing at us and using discriminating words towards other races (e.g. N****R, B***H, F***ER, and many more)
 J. His BD is mean to his GF and he doesnt like it
  K. Asked why his dad calls me a B****

7. Smoking weed around my son
  A. Wasnt able to tie Lukis's shoes, took him 3 trys on each shoe, moving slowly, and avoiding any eye contact or conversation with me
  B. Lukis rolled up a peice of paper like a joint(licked it and twisted the ends then acted like he was smoking it)

8. Calling Lukis names
  A. F***ER- I have yelled at him for saying this to him, I was present when this occurred
  B. Prick- Lukis asked me to tell him not to call him this bc it hurts his feelings
  C. Whiny baby- Upset Lukis and he wouldnt talk to us because "I am just a whiny baby" Lukis's exact words


This is my mediation outline, I am going to post his remarks and as you may have gathered in the beginning of post that it didnt go very well.
Title: RE: Brainwashing my child-----UPDATE-----2nd Post
Post by: worriedmom on Sep 20, 2005, 09:05:57 AM
Here is my sons BD comments:

1A. NO REPLY, Just shrugged at me
  B. His boss wouldnt give him a long lunch
  C. Doesnt get off work in time and has another child at home to worry about ( I have 2 other children as well)
  D.NO REPLY, just shrugged
  E.He says he asks Lukis
  F. NO REPLY, just shrugged
  G. NO REPLY, again just shrugged

2A. He says I wasnt "specific enough"
  B. Says He was at work

3A. Says I send him dirty and he stinks- denied not giving him bath
  B.He doesnt sleep all night, stays up and watches TV
* Sleeps all night at my house
  C. NO REPLY
  D. says they were the clothes I sent him in and that I dont give his clothes back

4A. Says I wasnt supposed to have him at all that weekend
  B. Says I dont send him in underwear so he sends him back in his underwear and he had no underwear on when returned because he didnt have any
  C. He didnt want to go to parenting classed because "he doesnt need them." but he did recieve the letter
  D. Says my husband does the same thing and denied his GF doing it
*My husband leaves the room when we talk so he doesnt have the want to get involved.

5A. Doesnt play that game anymore
  B. Always stops when lukis wants to- Lukis comes home and says otherwise
 
6A. NO REPLY- Shrugged and grinned
  B. Doesnt know where he got it
  C. Denied saying that to him
  D. Denied saying that to him
  E. Denied
  F. Denied
  G. Shrugged and grinned NO REPLY
  H. Denied, (2 different stories between him and his GF)
  I. Says uses the N word as a slang toward his friends "not a big deal"
  J. Says "everybody fights"
* I dont ever argue in front of my kids
  K. Denied calling me a B****


He pretty much turnedeverything I said and made it look like it was coming from me and the mediator was fishing him excuses like:

"well you couldnt make it because I imagine you were at work"
"did you give him notice?"
"well you probably just didnt have the time bc of your new baby"
* I have a 2 month and 2 yr old *
"maybe you should let him take him every wednesday to let him catch up"

and many more the only thing she said in my defense was the parenting classes. I dont think she was mediating very well. She would fish him these excuses and of course he would agree to them. She gave me a bad attitude the entire time. I think I just made things a lot worse. Any comments appreciated. I feel like a fool that I actually thought he would want to talk and work on working together. I feel like I may have put my son in more danger. I am scared of what hes going to do to Lukis because he knows lukis told me all this.

One more thing- During mediation BD left my son outside in the truck with his grandpa and GF and they didnt have the truck on in 100 degree weather. My son got in my van and told me he didnt feel good because he was too hot. He was flushed out and ready to pass out. He was also in a long sleeve shirt and pants. This really ticked me off. Mediation was 3 hours long.

I feel like I am just going to have to wait unitl my son is dead or hospitalized b4 I can do a damn thing about this.
 
Title: RE: Brainwashing my child-----UPDATE-----9-20-05
Post by: worriedmom on Sep 20, 2005, 11:30:52 AM
Something I forgot to put in about the weed smoking. I know for a FACT that he smokes weed from the time he wakes up till he goes to bed and so does his GF I have seen him do it and I honestly think he is back on meth but I have no proof and I have no proof he is doing it around my son. I just wanted to point out that i dont think he does weed, I KNOW he does weed. He admitted it in mediation actually, but I knew before then.
Title: RE: Brainwashing my child
Post by: MixedBag on Sep 20, 2005, 11:34:35 AM
Buy and READ "Divorce Poison" by Dr. Warshak.  He gives you concrete steps to take with regards to your situation.

I'd start quoting the book, but right now I don't have one.  Both of my copies were just sent out to other people with the hopes of improving a child's life and their future.

AFTER you've read the book, drop back to a "neutral zone" and think about the stuff you've posted.  What's REALLY important and what can you fix yourself.

Then go from there....

Remember a mediator can not make a decision or force you into a decision that you don't believe in from your heart.  Sometimes a gut feeling is all you have.

Also -- start doing research on line on the laws in your state and how the courts have decided cases in the past that are similar to your situation.  This will help tremendously.

For example, my EX gets a downward adjustment to his income for the two children subsequently acquired AFTER our divorce.  The result is that my child support that I pay goes up.  Makes NO SENSE to me, but that's the way the LAW in our state that has jurisdiction is written.  So why bother spending MY time on this subject because I'm fighting the law with my opinion......and I'm not gonna win that one until the LAW changes.  Get it?
Title: RE: Brainwashing my child
Post by: worriedmom on Sep 20, 2005, 11:42:01 AM
Wow, that doesnt make sense to me either but I will locate the book and read it Thankyou. I am glad me and him never got married bc a divorce with him would be pure hell. (not that anyone elses isnt but i dont know that) Thankyou and I will take your advice.
Title: RE: Brainwashing my child
Post by: worriedmom on Sep 20, 2005, 12:42:14 PM
I sent off today for the book Thanks again I also found another book that will b great Its called Joint Custody with a Jerk: How to deal with an uncooperative parent ...it was on the same site as the book you told me about Lets see if i can gain something through these books
Title: RE: Brainwashing my child
Post by: MixedBag on Sep 20, 2005, 02:38:16 PM
I have that one too -- great book on when the situation is yours to fix and when it's not.