SPARC Forums

Main Forums => Father's Issues => Topic started by: sad dad on Jul 12, 2004, 04:44:37 PM

Title: question about daughter who is 17
Post by: sad dad on Jul 12, 2004, 04:44:37 PM
My daughter who is 17 always has an excuse to not come & visit with me.We live in NY & she will not be emanicapted til shes 21.Can I force visitation?
Title: RE: question about daughter who is 17
Post by: Ref on Jul 13, 2004, 06:48:08 AM

I can't imaging forcing a 17 year old to do much. I think your best bet is to go to her. Find out about school events, if she is involved in extracurricular activities and butt in her life that way.

I was like that when I was 16 . My mom PASed the hell out of me. I was so mad when my dad forced me to see him that I punched a payphone until my hand turned black. I still have a hard time forgiving her and myself for that part of my life. Anyway, my dad kept calling and writing and sending care packages and flowers and kept loving me even though I am sure it hurt him to do so. That lasted until I was about 17. That is when I realized what a lier my mom had been. She really just exposed herself through contradictions and by treating me in the same impulsive way she spoke of my father. I started a relationship with my dad at about 18 and we have been closer than ever for 12 years.

Just keep reminding her you are there and she will come to you
Title: RE: question about daughter who is 17
Post by: sad dad on Jul 15, 2004, 05:30:49 PM
   Thank you for responding to my question.It especially makes me feel better knowing that you personally have been through this & things have worked out.I have another dilemma that maybe you can help me with.....On Wed. my ex had taken me once again back to court ...this time to move my daughter to Florida.I had asked the judge for time,in which he has given me.The relationship with my daughter has been badly damaged in the past year (PAS).There has always been an excuse for not coming to see me and even though she has promised to come to  NY 3 weeks a year after this move to Florida, I'm afraid that she will have more excuses and I will not be able to see her at all.On the other hand I'm afraid that if I do not let her go she won't have anything to do with me .Any suggestions?
     Once again thank you

Title: RE: question about daughter who is 17
Post by: wendl on Jul 15, 2004, 07:49:26 PM
I really don't think you can force a 17yr old either. I know at 17 I had a job, a car, and friends, I wanted to hang out with. When I was at my dads (whom I love dearly) closer to him than my mom, anyways, when I was at my dads I really only slept and ate their, other than that during his weekend, I did the same stuff as I did while with my mom. I went out.

But my dad always waited up for me, we always talked when I got home or in the morning.

Just continue to show her you love her and try to understand that she isn't alittle girl anymore. What helped my dad and I is we set one night a week aside for us, we usually went out to dinner and this gave us a chance to talk (without all my friends calling).


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**
Title: Ref: can I ask a question (or 10) about growing up w/PAS
Post by: SadStepMom on Jul 16, 2004, 12:00:49 PM

I have been trying to convince my DH that the more he does now, even if it doesn't seem to have any effect now, can really help his future relationship with his sons.

So I was hoping to ask a few questions about your situation.

How old were you when your parents divorced?
Did you live near your Dad?
How often did you see him?
Did you go through long periods of not seeing him?
How did you respond to the calls, letters and care packages and flowers when you received them?  Did you tell him that you didn't want to talk, etc.
If you can narrow it down to a few things, what thing(s) did he do then, when you thought you didn't want it, that most influenced you to start a relationship with him when you were 18.
Do you think you would have been as likely to have a relationship with him if he hadn't tried to call, write, send care packages, etc.?

Title: My opinion
Post by: Ref on Jul 19, 2004, 06:58:36 AM
My father lived in England and the Carribean after I was a teen. He flew me there every xmas and my little sister went xmas and summer. He would also fly to the US to be with us.  Even though my relationship was strained with him, I was lucky not to ever have it be put to me as a choice I could make. I just went. Purple hair and leather boots on the islands were my form of protest BUT I did go to the islands to see my dad.

Luckily for me, my dad has a successful business and has the $ and flexible schedule to see me fairly often.

I'm not sure how your daughter is not to be emancipated until she is 21. Legally, when she is 18 she can move wherever she wants. I'm not sure how fruitful at this time blocking your x from moving will be.  If I were you I would  make it seem like you were trying to keep her from moving but say if she wants to move, it is up to her to pay for all longdistance calls and travel expenses. If the emancipation only means child support payments stop at 21, try to negotiate that to 18 at the same time. It will be very expensive to keep up a close relationship with her and you can use all of the money you can to do so.

Ultimately, for me , the consistancy of love that my dad gave me and the room to make my own mistakes allows me to have much more respect for him than I would had he shown any signs of vindictiveness. I am sure I hurt him, but he doesn't ever make me feel that way. He really is my hero.
Title: Thanks all
Post by: sad dad on Jul 20, 2004, 04:16:19 PM
Thanks Ref & Wendl for your responses....and yes child support stops at 21.The ex & I are trying to work something out on our own (by Judges advice).I guess the hardest part is letting go when things aren't so great between us.And your right....from what the ex is saying my daughter says she is going to Fl. whether I say ok or not (she'll be 18 next month).The child support is the one thing we cannot agree on.....she wants to continue at the same amount which keeps me short (paycheck to paycheck living).I do have a good job but not the funds to make frequent trips.I have already told my daughter that I don't want her to go but I will let her if she thinks that'll make her happier.She is convinced that she will be & I truely hope so but I also think it's her way to break the ties with me.Right now we live about 2 miles from each other & I can count on one hand as to how many times she has came up in the past year.I have called many, many times to invite her to do something or just come to visit but there's always an excuse.:(
Title: About emancipation???
Post by: msme on Jul 20, 2004, 05:48:11 PM
It wasn't clear if your ex is moving, too or just your daughter. Will your daughter be going to college or working? I may be wrong but I believe in most states, if a 18 year old is working or just not going to school, they can be emancipated.

You might want to check that out.

Good luck & God bless!
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!