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I don't know where you are at, but we were just told by our Arbitrator that legally, the kids can't make the decisions. When it comes right down to it, and bad ordeals like this, the parents has ALL the say in it. No matter how old the child is, until they are 18.
And even if BM's BF is making these plans, it will still fall on BMs shoulders cuz it is happening on her time, her house and all of that nice stuff. It will come back on her. Really, if he is just a BF, I wouldn't even consider it legit. What say does he really have?
I would in a parental way, tell SD that the weekend she is to do this is a weekend with her dad and that activity is not an option. Explain to her that she is old enough to look at a calendar first to check to see who's weekend it is. And if she isn't, then be prepared to be disappointed. If this is a weekend with Dad and the whole fair thing is just not gonna work, then so be it, she doesn't go. She is still the child here and you and dad are the adults. She'll be all mad, but she'll get over it.

Can your sd perform age appropriate tasks? Not a lot of them
Can she count to 100? No, not consistently. Misses ALOT of numbers.
Do basic simple math? (ie 1+1=2)  NO
Can she read simple sight words? Has alot of trouble with this. Can not or will not concentrate long enough to look at the word to sound it out.
Can she spell her name, recite her address and phone number? Can spell her name. Do not know if she knows her address. Does not know her phone number.
Does she know what city and state she lives in? Yes
Can she pour herself a cup of juice? If the container is almost empty
Can she tie her shoes? Just now learned this. They are not "tied", but she has the idea.
Is she well behind her classmates in school? Teacher says she is fine
Can she button a button or zipper a zipper? Buttons she has trouble with
Does she sleep in her own bed at night? Here she does, at her mom's we have no idea. Use to be no.
Does she recognize letters or numbers on a piece of paper? Most of them Yes, she does not know L, I, l, i, b, B, d, D, E, e, Y, y and some others. And just having it there alone, one of those is in her name, but she can spell her name on paper and know the letter in her name.

The tardies are more than 5-10 minutes. Some of the time her mom just doesn't get up and allowed SD to miss Kindergarten all together (1/2 day Kindergarten). SD would tell us when asked why she wasn't in school a certain day 'Mom's alarm didn't go off, so we slept in". This happened several times. As of this year, they have made a new Law in KS for tardies. I am curious to see how this is going to be handled by mom.
Like I said in my first message, I am the stepmom. My husband is out of town right now on business. We are working together on this. He was not seeing any "delays" with his daughter until I started to point them out. Mom on the other hand doesn't see anything, to her the child is completely fine and in her eyes, gifted. I don't see this and see a child who is struggeling and needs some special atttention or is going to get left behind. But no one is listening to me. Kinda like, your just the stepmom and you have no say. Dad is torn right now. Kinda scared to talk to the school. Denial. Thinks we can take care of this at home. But she lives with mom.
Thank you for taking the time to post your message. Any help on this topic would be nice too. I have been working to try and get this child some help for almost 3 years now, but I seem to be the only "parent" who sees this. Other family members see it, but they are MY family and my friends in childcare. Or other parents of my daycare kids. It's like her actual family thinks there is nothing wrong. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like just giving up and saying "fine, if you dont' t hink there is anything wrong, then I guess there is not". But then I feel bad cuz I know in my heart there is somewhere. Maybe it's all emotional stress holding her back, but it's something.
Thanks again.
Loving's wife

I am dealing with the exact same thing here. But just until last week when a journal entry was signed I was not even allowed to pick up SD!! Just because BM always told DH "No, she is never going to pick SD up". We had to get a court order. But this was because she flat out refused in every way.
But from what I know, if DH lets the school know that he is the bio father and you are his wife and he is allowing you to pick up SS on his Friday's due to his work, there should be no problem. Give the school a copy of divorce decree stating all of the visitation and have DH call the school and give his permission. OUr schools have a list of people who can and can not pick up the kids. You should be put on the list and then BM can't say anything. On your Fridays, just call the school and inform them that it will be you doing the pick ups.
This is all I got for you. Cuz unless it is stated in a court ordered paper, DH can have anyone he wants pick his son up. She would also have to have in a court order paper that you can not pick up the child.
Lots of luck to you
Lovingdadinks (wife speaking though)

I am actually the stepmom here. I am married to a wonderful man who has a 6 year old daughter whom they have joint custody, mom having residential.  We are in KS.
Right now the two are going through arbitration because in the beginning hubby did not have a lawyer so BM pretty much got it all her way. Hubby did not have any visitation but a few hours on Wed. evenings and Sundays. After we met, I encouraged him to take her back to court for more time with his daughter and CS reduction (she lied to her lawyer and the courts by $10,000 less on her part, more on his part, meaning she got MORE CS). He got CS reduced and a little more parenting time. But BM didn't think that SD was old enough at the time to spend the nights with us and put tons of stipulations on the visitations. We got it worked out for the most part. She is now allowed to stay with us over nights EOW, that's about it. We have screwed up holiday visitations (BM thinks that EVERY single holiday, THE DAY ITSELF, needs to be with each parent) so we have to stop what we are doing in the middle of Thanksgiving and exchange the child. Grrrr
Ok, so Arbitration yesterday was to "tweek" these holiday visitations and that went OK. Except for Christmas which was actually fine. But now according to what BM wants, we will loose 3 days with SD during our years with SD. Hubby and I need to talk about this one cuz things were fine with this holiday.
The BIG issue is this, and this is what I am here to seek advice about. We live 30 minutes away from BM. She is REFUSING to allow SD to spend 1/2 of the summers with us. No way, no how. She is saying it will cause SD (who is 6) to much trauma, she can't be away from her mom that long, and so on. The arbitrator knew it was not like this at all and even told her "I don't think it's the child being away from you, I think it's you being away from the child" and tried to explain that this is her dad we are talking about and she needs to get over all of this. This mom will not even allow her child to go to swim lessons or any camps because she can't let go of her like that. I'm surprised she lets her go to school (that's another topic though, 22 tardies in Kindergarten!!). So my questions are: How do we get mom over this, make her realize this is her dad and she has got to find a way to deal with it AND what are some summer schedules that have worked for you?  I don't think with this one particular child, the one week on, one week off will work. Too much back and forth for her. I think two weeks with Dad, one week with Mom. This way Dad gets his "block" time, then she has that time with mom. I think she is old enough for this.
At our home (I run a daycare from our home, hubby is a railroader) my stepdaughter would be in the daycare everyday where we attend bball camp, cheer camps, swim lessons, go to the zoo, movies, parks, etc. I keep the kids busy. So it's not like she would be sitting around all the time. And when hubby is not working, he takes OUR kids and does things with them (always takes our son fishing during daycare hours). We have a very happy, healthy, loving home. We believe in education, discipline, but alot of family time too. Mom's house is alot of shopping and that's pretty much it (her words to the arbitrator!). Her family has a history with the law (drive by shootings, drugs, etc), mom is DX bi-polar, she has been hospitalized for her bipolar as well as anorexia. She does not believe in education like she should, the 22 tardies. She doesn't get up to take SD to school, no big deal. She has told hubby, "she doesn't have to learn anything until she is ready". This 6 year old can't use a fork, can't dress herself, can't shower herself or dry herself off. She also takes 45 minutes to an hour to eat one meal when it should take 15 minutes or so. All cuz mom does this stuff for her.
Ok, I'll quit. I get started and can't stop.
Thanks for reading if you still are. I hope someone can help me out here.
lovingdadinks

what do you think my chances are?
CO says that I get half summers with my daughter but due to my job, I have never exercised this. I work long days out in a field job. Leaving around 4-5 in the morning and sometimes not getting home til 6 or 7 at night if not later. I have always just kept the visitation regular weeknights and EOW til now. I want to have her during the summers for my half and have her stay with my new wife during the days. It's been 9 years since my divorce and I've never exercised this summer visitation. Can I just say "I want summers now?" or what needs to happen? My daughter has alot goin on during the summer and I have other kids too. Daughter will stay at home with my wife of 2 years while I work. Daughter's mom works from home having a home based business so she has always been at home with her. I am just feeling that my daughter should be able to be with my family, but her mom thinks if she is not with me during these hours, she should be with her and we need to work something else out. Court has been brought up too. Do I have a shot at this????