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I have another option... tell BM that you are willing to allow her liberal visitation, however, you want her to agree to terminate DH's child support (she should not be getting CS if you and DH are providing for all the kids needs), and because of the fact that the kids are now in a stable home and under yours and DH's supervision were able to keep SS from being held back and are the ones who have gotten them dental care and all that jazz, you want primary custody of the children, and until she has proper housing for the children (a 2/3 bedroom apartment or the like), she only takes the kids for evenings and EOWE, once she has proper housing, you are willing to agree to EOWE and one or two overnights a week with her bringing the kids back to your house for school (if at any point she stops getting the kids to your house on time for school, her week night overnights will immeadiately stop and go to weekly dinners only). If she consistantly does so for the rest of the school year, then week on week off would be an agreeable arrangement when summer starts/ends, assuming she has a reasonable commute to get the kids back to your area for school. And you want it all in writing and signed off on by a judge.

If she is unwilling to do so, then tell her you are prepared to take it before a judge that two school aged children of opposite genders are going to be living in a one room unfinished basement with their mother, who failed to get them to the dentist, didn't know what doctor to contact for shot records, willingly handed the kids over to their father when she broke up with her boyfriend because she had no job or place to live while the father paid for ALL expenses and she has been CONTINUEING to receive child support for children she did not have in her custody. This will all look bad on her with any reasonable judge (especially if your state has issues with opposite genders sharing rooms) and might scare her into giving you what you want. Just make sure you are documenting that he is still paying child support while you are still paying for all the other expenses and receiving no help from BM and the kids are enrolled in YOUR school district.

Thanks ocean, you gave a lot of good suggestions.  I think this therapist actually will work out.  DH signed a waiver to release all the court docs, the only problem is that the next appt isn't until after her next visit with BM. 

Even though DH took away her cell phones, he's still allowing her to call BM to say good night from his phone.  But my SD's side of the conversations just sound like she's receiving orders, just one word responses, "yes...uh-huh...i know"  things like that.  Is my DH "allowed" to stop all communication, even if she's asking to speak to her mom?  We don't want it to seem like we disapprove of any relationship.  We're just in a tough spot.  Thanks for all your help.

I think stopping all communications with BM would be BAD mojo, however, I think that making SD speak to BM on speakerphone until the next court hearing (unless there is a court order stating that SD must be able to speak with BM and that she must have privacy to do so) would be a good idea, though. Just put it on speakerphone, tell BM that she is on speakerphone and that until a judge says otherwise, ALL communications with SD will be supervised due to her past actions during unsupervised communications.

I would also contact the school, make sure that the teachers are aware that SD is not allowed the use of phones while at school, so if they see her using someone else's cell, they can confiscate it (heck, most schools I have ever seen don't allow cell phones on school property, or at least not allowed to be turned on or used during the school day). Make sure SD knows that if she uses someone else's phone at school, they will face consequences. Contact the parents of the kids she associates with, make them aware that she is not allowed to use the phone to call anyone but you and her father, that she is expressly forbidden from contacting her BM anywhere but at home due to PAS, and that she is not to use the computer while at their homes. Don't sign any consent forms allowing her to use internet capable computers at the library or school, and make sure that they are aware that you are NOT consenting so that she can't forge anyone's signature, or have BM sign consent forms for her.

I would also tell SD that until her behavior improves, any communication with BM will be either court ordered or supervised, once she can behave properly, even after a visit with BM, then she can earn priviliges back, like being able to have a cell phone, internet access, etc. She needs to understand that she IS in essence being punished... not for loving her mother, and not for her mother's antics, but for HER OWN behavior. That wether her mother is the one instigating her behavior or not, it is NOT acceptable and SHE DOES have the power to control her OWN behavior and will be held accountable for her behavior while a part of your household... which you intend to be for the long run, despite BM's theories otherwise.

[therefore she should be offering them to their father FIRST]

CuriousMom- we are in Lehigh County.


Our main issue for contempt is not honoring the right of first refusal. She works on the weekends that are her weekends for the children, therefore she should be offering them to their father FIRST- not using b/f as "babysitter".  If Dad is not available, then she has the right to decide who watches the children. 

In the first year of their separation, honestly, we had the children more then she did, because of the right of first refusal.  All changed when she moved in with her boyfriend.

Court orders say ROFR for the father when she can't watch them, not offer them to her BOYFRIEND, THEN the father.  Time for a smackdown on her!

I have no clue what to suggest, I just want to make sure you are aware that children of service members are considered military dependents until they turn 21 (or 23 if enrolled as full time students at an accredited college). That can work in SS's favor, as someone mentioned. Contact ACS (if you are Army, or the equivolent), they should be able to give you some advice and direction.

I would file contempt for not obeying the ROFR order, ask for a modification in the court order stating that ALL communications will be between bio parents (this cuts out the boyfriend's interference, but you can't have a double standard, either) and a modification stating that BM can NOT withhold visitation for ANY reason, that if for any reason they agree visitation should not happen on a specific date, a make-up day is court ordered to occur within 30 days of the missed visitation day, and whenever possible, communications should happen via email (to minimize the abuse when Dr. Jekyll/Mr Hyde trades places and give you documentation as to if DH had actually agreed to reschedule a visitation, etc.). I don't see how she got away with not letting DH have them just because she CLAIMED the lice was his fault. If she was witholding visitation just so she could treat the lice, then it should have been in writing BEFOREHAND when the make-up visitation would be.

I would recommend you file a motion in court to stop her from moving, otherwise she is going to move and you are going to have a fight on your hands to get the visitation schedule changed. Make the modification a condition to agreeing to allow the move.

I replied to I think it was your post in a different thread, same situation at least, except it didn't say she was ALREADY married. If she is ALREADY married to a Soldier, I don't see a judge letting her move to follow her parents, instead of to follow her Soldier husband.

I will only reply to the military part, and I believe that all branches will fall under the same rules as Army rules for this situation...

Military dependents of Active Duty personnel may live wherever they want, however, they will receive housing allowance based on where the service member is stationed (they are not STATIONED in Iraq, they are deployed TO Iraq, he is stationed somewhere else that is "home base"). The assumption is that the families of military personnel are expected to live at the service member's station of assignment. So if he is stationed at, say, Fort Irwin, CA, the assumption is that she is going to live at Fort Irwin while he is deployed.

If she marries a service member, she has a chance. I know the average judge will not let the military member's service be used against them to either force them to live apart from their spouse or force their spouse to give up custody of the kids (although it DOES happen), so long as the moves are in accordance with MILITARY orders, not a I feel like moving just to move deal. As a reservist, the military doesn't care where they live, as the reserves don't dictate duty assignments, the service member moves where they desire and selects a unit they wish to be assigned to and ask the unit if they have a slot for them.

I have seen some judges say that the NCP was responsable for all transport since the move was due to military service, while most judges will either split the cost or make the CP comepletely responsable for the expenses of travel. When the military card comes into play, it is hit or miss. But the service member can also request that they be assigned to a local assignment due to the custody issue, it is not a promise, but they have the ability to request... I know about a dozen Soldiers who were able to get their duty assignments changed from one assignment to one in the state of TX since their spouses court order said they could not take the child out of state until age 3 and the judges refused to allow an exception even for miitary service.

She told CPS that you were under MILITARY ORDERS to not be around children under the age of 12? Um, I have been in for ten years, and I was a paper pusher for almost all of them, and I have NEVER heard of the military being able to give that kind of order without it being backed up by a civilian restraining order. Now, they can order individuals to have no contact with specific INDIVIDUALS, but they have to look at the whole situation and make sure it is not someone manipulating the command in order to hurt the service member. Go to whatever chain of command supposedly gave this order and get them to write a sworn statement (the one the MPs use, with the oath swearing part) stating that they have never issued any such order, have never spoken to that person, never made such a statement, etc, have no reason to issue such an order, etc. At least for the Army, a No Contact order has to be issued by the individual Soldier's chain of command. So they would know if they issued that order, and she can't say someone else ordered it. No Contact orders also have to be in writing (I have been given one, and a Soldier that was in one of my ex's old units was issued one to have no contact with his wife other than on the phone because of their counselor! So I am experienced with No Contact orders!)

I agree with the PP... Tell BM about the death and say point blank, "Grandmother has asked if you would be willing to allow DD to spend some time with the family, it would be nice to have her around, even though she didn't get to see Grandpa too many times. I don't feel she should attend the funeral itself, but spending time at home with everyone would be soothing to the family."

My DH had that problem, although SD did know DH's grandfather very well (frequent visits). DH was not able to be there when his grandfather died (active duty military, 1,000 miles away), and he was not able to inform SD (then 7) of his death because everytime he was supposed to call on BM's phone to tell her, BM was off doing something else or driving, so DH had to tell SD when BM brought her to the wake. But DH was able to get SD for the weekend before he had to get back to post at the end of his emergency leave.