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Hi,

I'm not a psych professional, but here are my thoughts.

It could be any number of things.

Maybe they saw a really scary movie, and they worked themselves up over it.

Maybe they're pulling out the tantrum card because they simply LIKE to sleep with the parents.

Or, maybe it's something along what you're fearing.

I'd suggest that next time, well before bedtime, you just ask them, "Do you think anything bad could happen to you if you sleep in your room?"

If they say monsters, ask them what kind of monsters, and what might the monsters do.  If they think monsters may come and eat them, it's normal.  If they think monsters may come and do things to their privates, obviously you can read between the lines.

Or if they tell you outright what you don't want to hear, you'll have your answer too.

If they don't have a reason, press them more.  "Well, it just seems like you don't want to sleep in your room, so I need you to help me understand why that is."

I have conversations at this level with my 4.5 year old daughter, so no doubt a 6 year old boy can help you learn what's going on.

And... if they really don't have a good answer other than, "We like to sleep with you", then maybe that's the only reason too.

DD

Hi,

The best book I've found on the subject that is geared more for helpful action plans than a mere academic understanding (i.e., not discounting the latter's importance) is a book called "Divorce Poison" by Richard Warshak.

Some of the things that come to mind are:

1.  Allow your kids to see you surrounded by people who respect and like you... your BF/husband, your family, your neighbors, etc.  It would be difficult for NCP's poison to take hold when the kids regularly have exposure to a dozen people who clearly think you're the cat's meow.

2.  Don't allow known lies to go unaddressed for the sake of your comfort or not wanting to cause harm.  Without bashing their dad, if you get a whiff of something they're repeating about you, you should be able to say, "Boys, now you know that's not true about never having fun times with me.  Remember when we went to the lake a month ago and had a blast, and our trip to Disney, and our Saturday movie night with kettle corn?"  They're both old enough to realize what's up, and your job is to keep their grasp on reality without interfering with dad's relationship with them.

3.  If they voice frustration or anger over the NCP, don't pretend a problem doesn't exist.  You can validate them, "Yes, I can understand you're upset because you didn't have the best birthday with your dad.  He does the best that he can, and even though he does things that can hurt, I think deep down he really wants the best for you."

They may go through confusing times over the next many years, but if you keep the communication open and honest with them and make sure that every statement out of your mouth regarding your ex is for the kids' benefit (and not out of your own justifiable anger), then you're not going to be the cause of any alienating between the boys and their dad.

They'll also know that they can talk to you about any frustrations with dad, and those moments are when either long-term damage can take root, or you can help them through it to understand it.

All neat stuff, eh?

In any event, after reading that book, I felt empowered to be proactive, rather than reactive or passive.

Hope it helps!

DD

I'm truly very sorry for what you're going through.

You're in such a tough spot, but only you can help you.  That's the only way a stairway will appear to take you from "nothing" and climb back up into having some things.

Right now things look hopeless, but you still have an opportunity to have a great and lasting relationship with each of your kids.

It's just going to take a bit of work on your part.  You may wish to consult with a counselor, priest, or rabbi to help guide you on the path of finding "hope".  Working with a therapist can really help you find hope within yourself, and once you have that, it will be your fuel for finding fulfillment again.

Take care, and I wish you the best.  Asking others for kind words or prayers suggests that you're seeking the path to feel better.  You'll find it.

DD

Hi IceMountain,

Sorry for that pain you must be feeling, not knowing what's going on or why.

The missing question is... have you ever done anything to son that would make him apprehensive towards you?

That would include not being in his life for long periods of time, past violence, past disinterest, etc.

If so, then as you work on yourself, he should come around.

However, if you've always been the doting dad who has a good grasp on parenting, I'd agree with the other posters.

Check out (or buy) a book called Divorce Poison, by Richard Warshak.  It'll help explain what's going on, why son responds like he does, and what you can do to help him and your relationship with him.

Best,
DD

Hi,

By now, you know you can't change biomom.

All you can do is find ways to take "credibility" short-cuts.

When my ex accused me of locking up my daughter, and she submitted a recorded conversation between her and 4 year old daughter that described how I lock her up, I went and took a polygraph on that topic, as well as a few other topics that have been he-said, she-said for years.

My attorney faxed the polygraph results to opposing counsel and our custody evaluator.

Those topics of controversy immediately stopped after that, and I've got a copy of the results that I am ready to show any CPS or law enforcement officer if ever needed.  That should be enough for them to question the source of the accusation.

The polygraph cost $400.  Considering cost of attorney's billable hours, the polygraph was a bargain for casting major doubt on my ex's allegations.

On the phone calls, you're allowed to monitor them (unless court orders specifically say otherwise).  Perhaps you can go move to have the court grant orders that the parents' may monitor AND RECORD phone calls between children and the other parent.  This is an easy way for the court to avoid getting caught between he-said-she-said.

Best,
DD

Hi,

My 3 year old daughter went through this phase for a month, so I can understand how difficult it is to try to instill some structure (important!) and routine (important!) in a child's life when the other home is very permissive.

I don't necessarily agree that your house is necessarily the un-fun home if it is the structured one.  My daughter's mom reports that daughter hits her, has tantrums, fusses at bedtime, complains about eating, etc.  

We don't have any of these issues because we've instilled some expectations mixed with making even routines fun.

If you haven't start building some nurturing routines prior to bedtime.  The bath, then snuggling together on his bed to read some stories, then tucking him in and doing a special final thing.

If he needs a nightlight, or any other reasonable sleeping aid, of course it doesn't hurt.

Here was the coup d'etat for helping my daughter through the difficult bedtimes she had for a few weeks.  I took her markers, drew a picture of her smiling in her bed (I'm not an artist, so it was just a smiley face with her color hair in a bed that had a blanket like hers).  Beneath the drawing, I drew three empty boxes.  I told her that every time we had a happy bedtime, she'd get a star in one of the boxes, and when the boxes were full, we'd go to Toys R Us to get a little toy that she earned.  I taped that sheet to her closet door, so she could see it.

The first night, there wasn't any change.  In the morning, she wanted a star.  Nope, sorry.  That night, we had a happy bedtime (i.e., no complaints, and when I checked on her 10 minutes later, she was asleep).

After quickly getting her first toy, she progressed to a six-box chart (i.e., make it harder to earn).  After the second time we got her toy, she started losing interest in the star chart, but the new peaceful routine had stuck.

Of course with each toy, we made a big deal out of it... it wasn't just some gift... it was something she should be really proud of because she earned it.

We didn't want to taint her choice in toys by putting a price limit on it (which she doesn't really understand), so on the first one, I took a little checkbox and said she could pick whatever fit inside of it (i.e., figuring it wouldn't be too expensive).  The next time, we took a slightly bigger box, because she had more stars.

You gotta find what motivates him to help him convince himself that he really doesn't need mommy.

Best,
DD

Hi ex,

Sorry for all you've been through with this.  Yes, you and your wife have lost a child.  If you want to understand the dynamics of what caused your child to do this, read a book called Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.  Knowledge may bring some peace.

I agree that spiritual development could be a really important thing right now.  In the worst of times, re-discovering faith could be a beacon for you... the overwhelming questions with which we struggle internally are, "What did I do to deserve this horrible blow?  How could such injustice and unfairness happen?"

However... that's all long-term stuff.

I think you're to be commended for recognizing you've hit a pit and need some help climbing out.  Everyone deserves happiness and intimacy.

Any therapist with whom you connect would be the right one.  A LMFT, PhD, MD, MFCC... all strongly depend upon your connection to the person and your willingness to be open (both with your words and your emotions).

You may call a couple places... your county's mental health department may have a referral list.  If you live in a decent sized city, your yellow pages (last resort) may have grief counselors listed.

If you feel comfortable, you can ask your physician for a referral to a counselor with whom she/he thinks you'd connect.

In my personal situation, mine started at 29 too, as I got someone pregnant unplanned.  It turns out she's mentally unstable, and it's been a five-year ride to fight to stay in my daughter's life.  I've experienced that time in jail before prosecutor dropped charges, along with defending against 200 other accusations before judges and our custody evaluator.

It was through (I believe) divine grace that I found a Jungian therapist who has helped me stay centered, grounded, and focused on my growth through the struggle.  I've been seeing him 2 to 4 times a month for four years, and while the initial sessions were about crisis management, they gradually turned into self-realization and major MAJOR growth within me.

So, given my own experience, if you have a Jungian Society or Jungian Institute in your city, they'd have referrals too.

Best wishes for you and your wife to heal as much as possible from this, and to discover a new path for yourselves that allows you to once again live joyfully.

Feel free to email at [email protected] for any words of encouragement.

DD

Hi,

I'm not Dr. D, but here's my reaction to this...

I was once a ten year old boy.  I had a friend who had access to his father's Playboys.  We looked at them.  We never got caught.  I turned out to be a normal, heterosexual, caring father.

I think what you describe is a pretty natural thing.  From the names of the websites, it sounds like he was just trying to find some good stuff to take a look at.

Tell the school?  I think you may be out of touch with what is very normal for a boy that age.  The only issue with your son is that he got caught surfing the net for porn.

Looking at the situation deeper, obviously he does NOT feel comfortable enough to talk to you about his curiosity.  He went to the WWW instead of you.  Right?

So... that means it's up to you to go to HIM.  He's already told you through his actions that he's very curious.

Start talking.  Buy a couple books about sex for him to read.  This is time to take lead as a parent, not wait for him to get over his embarrassment to talk to his parent about penises, boobs, and vaginas.  I don't think the latter situation will ever happen.

You're already off to a great start by having raised it with him.

DD

Hi,

Long post gets long reply.  :)

I agree with the first reply's assessment of the tones of each of your emails and also agree with the #3 option.

However, I'll add that it seems like CP is not interested in developing solutions... only identifying blame and inciting conflict.  I've had 3 years experience dealing with such a co-parent, so I can appreciate your frustration.

With such a scenario, I'd encourage statements that impose deadlines and consequences.  This way, you don't continually go in circles with her, and you can start taking steps (in what may be a long long road) of implementing what's best for your children.

Further, keep in mind that CP obviously hates you right now.  Proposing extra time with you ain't gonna get you anywhere right now... except giving her more power to turn you down.

Also, don't bother defending yourself against name-calling.  Be the bigger person and stay focused on the kids.  Everything else is just a valuable reminder of why you got divorced (and possible future evidence in a hearing to modify visitation or custody).

This will sound harsh, but I mean it purely from a legal perspective.  On the "unfit caregiver" angle, if there's abuse or serious neglect going on, then it's your business... you already know the CP's choice about this person, so it's up to you either drop it altogether or get the gumption to take legal action for a RO against "unfit caregiver's" contact with the kids.

If the person is not a serious threat to your kids but may not win any caregiver awards, then it's altogether not your business and it's up to CP.

On issues like that, you just got to wait until some tragedy occurs, and then petition the court for protection.  Sucks, eh?  The court doesn't make rulings based on anticipation, only history.

Can you contact whoever will test your child on learning disabilities to ensure it's lined up?  If it's not, then follow the recipe of "Please arrange this by XX/XX/XX or I will do XYZ to ensure it's done."

FINALLY, keep in mind that this is a long-term process.  You and your ex are still figuring out how to work together post-divorce.  Your kids are trying to figure it out.  Let stuff settle a little bit.

If your ex is really messing up, and if you're ultimately the better parent, then in due time you can go back to court to get some changes made.  However, right now, she was recently ordered to be CP, and you've got a recent TRO on your record.  Regardless of truth, you don't have much say right now in the family law system.

CP will kick and scream when you take all the power in your emails, but just ignore it, and always follow through on what you say will occur.

Sooner or later, she'll spend less time arguing and more time trying to show you up by doing what she's supposed to before YOU do it.

So... a couple rewrites on these no-brainer issues...

-------------

CP,

As discussed at our settlement, and as identified by Child2's teacher, she needs to be in therapy.  If we can't agree that her first appointment will be within 30 days, I'll need to ask my attorney for guidance on how to ensure Child2 gets the help she needs.

NCP

---------------

CP,

I've checked with Testing Center, and Child1 is not scheduled for testing.

It is important to test Child1 for learning disabilities, as her school and the evaluator recommended.

The deadline for scheduling that testing is April 18.  I will call the Testing Center on April 18, and if Child1 is not scheduled, I will schedule her.

If you're not available to transport Child1 on the testing day, I will do so.

NCP

Hi again,

As one who found my psychotherapy sessions to be a sanctuary in which I could ground myself weekly during the most trying times, I'd strongly recommend it.

Having an objective party who is trained to help keep you introspective, and who can't disclose any of it without your consent (short of you being a danger to yourself or others) is a very powerful tool in self-growth.

I ended up getting a referral through a local group of psychologists/psychiatrists.  I asked for financial assistance and originally had my sessions at $35 each.  When the bills mounted (more than $50k in three years on this custody case), I had to either quit the sesions or get more help.  They reduced it to $15 each.  

Yet, as part of their program, I've been working with the same well-credentialed family psychiatrist for four years (sometimes twice a month, sometimes four times a month) who normally charges $200 per session.

The help is out there... it just takes a little bit of digging around.  It can mean the difference of freaking out or being more centered.

Psychotherapy is often thought to be crisis-oriented, but the bulk of my work has been extensive self-actualization.  Fun stuff.

Best,
DD