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Back in 2004 we separated and my ex and daughter moved to Iowa.  I live in AZ and have been paying CS ($1100/mo) through the clearinghouse since that time without fail.  Initial calculation included child care for my daughter, then 4, that she never went to and my ex working part-time at $10/hr after she got settled which she agreed too.  In our parenting plan, I was to pay for travel expenses for myself and daughter until mom got a job then we would share expenses.  My daughter is now 12, I am still paying the same amount and mom still is not working for various reasons.  Back in Sept 2011, mom decided to pull my daughter out of public school and home school which I didn't agree with but she did anyway.  She is the CP but we have joint custody. About 16 months ago I had to take a position that paid $20K/year less but I didn't adjust the CS because I didn't want my daughter to be affected.  I also pay for all of my daughters medical, dental and vision coverage as well.


Now, due to financial reasons and my new position I am unable to see my daughter as often as I used to.  Historically I would see her every 8-10 weeks both there and here in AZ.  I would like to have my daughter here with me for my next visit (she hasn't been here since March 2011) but my ex will not allow her to leave.  She says, if I want to see her I can go there.  Well since I have to pay for flight, hotel rental car and other expenses it isn't possible at the moment.  Having here here with me eliminates the need for hotel and rental car which after a week could be ~$1000. She isn't required to help pay for travel at this time and I am entitled to have my daughter here in AZ 2x a year. I think she is in contempt at this point.

So my question is, if I petition to modify CS based on my current salary, what do I put down for her if she isn't working?  Is there a default of PT at min wage or just $0? 


Obviously I think my ex is being unreasonable in trying to control the situation.  I just want to see my daughter and she is keeping that from me unless I see her there...under her terms.


Thank you.


PW7285

Was defining "best interest of the child" made to be so subjective?

At what point (if any) can a father tell the court that his daughter is not getting the best support from her custodial parent with regard to school?  Does this even matter to the courts? My daughter is in 3rd grade and lives in another state with her mother who does not work and lives literally 2 minutes if that from school and she can't seem to get her there on time?!?!?!?  This has been going on since she was in 1st grade and is becoming very frustrating.  We have joint custody and I live 1500 miles away.  I see my daughter every 8-10 weeks and when I am there during the school week I am a room dad at the school.  Her mother only goes to school for PTC and thats it.  Again, she doesn't work and lives 2 minutes from school.

Our daughter is having trouble with some subjects so the school offered her before or after school tutoring and mom refuses, she says it's too early or too long of a day.  I could go on and on with this but I won't.  My question is do the courts look at school as being part of what is in the "best interest of the child" or is this just a drop in the "she is not being physically abused so she is fine" bucket?

Thanks

Unique situation....

I have known my now wife of almost 2 years for about 10 years.  We dated 2 years prior to our marriage.  We both have kids, she a boy 9 years old and I a girl also 9 years old.  When we were both in our previous relationships we all knew each other therefore, the kids have known each other since birth.  Months after we both separated (she divorced and I was not married to my ex) we got the kids together for dinner and have been together since.  We had a house built 2.5 years ago, she doesn't work so that she can spend time at her sons school and take care of any errands that need to be done.  Although there is always time for shopping, Yoga and coffee with the girls etc...

My ex and daughter live in another state and her ex lives in another state but we have custody of the son.  They are on good speaking terms when it comes to their son whereas my ex ("the victim") and I don't always get along the greatest.  My issue is with their relationship. I am very envious that they are able to have one and I am not.  This envy leads to jealousy which then becomes suspicion as to what they are talking about knowing it isn't always about their son.  He pays her CS by check and not through the Clearinghouse so checks are addressed to her with her previous last name.  This to me is disrespectful but she doesn't think it's a big deal. She flys their son up to see him in the summer and she is still close to his side of the family so they pick them up at the airport, have dinner, go to the park all as if they were still together. Dirves me nuts but I know that in their sons best interest it is good to see his parents can still get along.

I don't like that her ex still addresses her with his last name, I am bothered by the fact that she seems to protect, defend and accomodate him and dismisses my feelings.  It makes me feel as though I am not her husband but rather an outsider when it comes to him. Although in the past 3 years I have been more of a father to her son than his bio father has and have provided for him far better than he ever did I am still treated (in my mind) as the outsider.

This has caused many arguements and quite frankly I am tired of arguing but I also do not want to conceed to being disrespected.

Am I being too sensitive?

Some of the long-standing members have helped me in the past and it is greatly appreciated.

My ex feels that she should have an increase in support for no other reason than she has accrued some debt and feels I should pay for it.  Our daughter is 8 and lives with my ex in another state.  The ex does not work but goes to school full time in a blended program (online and in class).  We were never married and have been apart for 4.5 years.  I pay $1100 a month in CS, see my daughter every 8-10 weeks, pay for ALL of my own expenses, talk to her almost everyday, provide great medical insurance for my daughter which includes an additional FSA card for mom to use for co-pays and medication when needed and also help with school clothes, supplies and whatever else is needed. I even went as far has sending my ex the tax refund difference over the past 3 years when claiming our daughter.  I felt that since she wasn't working and caring for our daughter that she should get the $ not me.

The ex is always on me since I make more $ than I did 4.5 years (~$10K more) that her CS should be adjusted.  Let me be clear, I am all for meeting my obligation for my daughter and if it were deemed that I needed to pay $1500 a month I would have without a question. Here is where the problem is, the ex doesn't realize that 4.5 years ago when she left the state, the CS was calculated with my salary, her paying for daycare of ~$450 a month and ex working part time at $10/hr.  My daughter NEVER went to daycare and obviously doesn't now either and ex never got that job.  So in her mind since I am making a little more and she doesn't work...her support should go up.  Well I have kept track of my salary increases and spoke to my attorney about CS modifications and there are none.  In fact, under the current situation with daughter not in daycare, mom not working and my new salary I should be paying ~$270 LESS than what I am paying now.  I have no intention of lowering my support and compromising my daughters' care because her mother is greedy so I have not pushed for this modification.

I have explained all of this to the ex and she of course doesn't believe me.  She wants proof of my income, thinks that since I paid off some of my bills and vehicle that she should get some of my newly found "extra cash".  A part of me wants her go through the process and petition the court so she can see that I am not in any way screwing her on CS. The other part wants her to just accept that she really doesn't have it that bad and to leave it alone. I am considering a visitation modification but not to lower CS.  Scheduling additional time in the summer for example is like impossible.  I should be getting 4-8 weeks but she only "allows" 2-3 weeks.  Our decree states 4 weeks.

She is an extremely unreasonable person and makes it very difficult for anyone to get along with her.  She blames me for all of her problems and uses our daughter as her excuse for everything.  I have offered many times to care of our daughter until she was done with school but the answer is always NO.  I expect that because without our daughter, what would she have to complain about...

I am very focused on my relationship with my daughter and don't want her moms immature behavior and lack of responsibility to jeopardize it. I am now married to a wonderful women and my wife and I should not have to be responsible for her debt and be harrassed.

Your comments are welcomed.

Thanks -

Quick question:

When I have my daughter during my time of visitation isn't it true that I am responsible for ALL expenses including but not limited to any medical visits and/or prescriptions? And that the money spent during my visits are NOT to be deducted from the child support payment?

I believe this to be true just need confirmation or a link to the guidelines.

Thanks

Quick question:

When I have my daughter during my time of visitation isn't it true that I am responsible for ALL expenses including but not limited to any medical visits and/or prescriptions? And that the money spent during my visits are NOT to be deducted from the child support payment?

I believe this to be true just need confirmation or a link to the guidelines.

Thanks

I have been separated for about 3 years now and aside from the first year my relationship with my ex has been OK.  Our daughter is now 7 and lives in Iowa with mom.  I live in Az and see my daughter every 8 - 10 weeks religiously, always have.  We talk almost everyday and have a great relationship.  In our original plan we agreed on a schedule that for the most part has been followed.  Mom is in school and has not worked (at a place of business) for 7 years.  I make a healthy CS payment every month, pay for all of my travel, hotel, rental car and for daughters as well, I refuse to let her fly alone.  Our daughter is ill a bit more often than other kids due to what is believed to be an immune deficiency.  She has never been officially diagnosed but her Allergy/Immunologist thinks she may have a slight case of an IgA deficiency.  She gets sick several times a year but less in the summer months.  At times after my visits she gets sick and of course the ex blames me and becomes very hateful because now she has to take care of her.  Anyway, that is a different story.

I want to revise my visitation schedule with her to have my daughter longer in the summer.  Daughter wants to be with me longer but mom feels it is "too stressful" for our daugher and "takes her out of her routine".  Because of this I am limited to 14 days at the start of summer in Az and ~12 days at the end but mom prefers it to be in Iowa.  In the original decree is clearly states that I would have her with me for all but 2 visits a year in Az.  I would much rather work this out with the ex outside of court but I don't think it will be possible.

Question - Is revising a visitaion schedule an esay process through the courts or is it pretty involved with hearings, lawyers etc...?

Thanks

Quick question:

When I have my daughter during my time of visitation isn't it true that I am responsible for ALL expenses including but not limited to any medical visits and/or prescriptions? And that the money spent during my visits are NOT to be deducted from the child support payment?

I believe this to be true just need confirmation or a link to the guidelines.

Thanks

My 6-year-old daughter lives in Iowa with her mother.  My ex is single, goes to school, doesn't work and complains about EVERYTHING!  We have joint custody.  I live in AZ and have seen my daughter every 52 days on average over the last 2 years.  We talk on the phone almost every day sometimes twice.  I stay very involved with my daughters' life; I keep copies of all of her medical records from all of her Dr's because I want to know everything that is going on with her.  I have arranged to have the school send me her progress reports for obvious reasons.  I feel that I could obviously do more but being 1500 miles away you do what you can.

Periodically I have the unfortunate situation where the ex gets on the phone and just rips me a new one because she is stressed and just happens to be having a bad day.  Usually this is done with our daughter in the next room or in the room of the apartment.  During these times, and their have been a few, she says things like, "I can't do this anymore, I don't have a life, It sucks being a single mom, I have to bathe her, cut her nails, do her homework, make sure she is fed, etc...  What the ex doesn't know is the under the advisement of my lawyer I have most of these conversations recorded.

The ex is in school and does have homework everyday so I am not saying she has it easy but the message she gives me is that our daughter is really becoming a burden to her.  I have offered on 3 occasions to take our daughter until the ex finishes school.  She won't hear of it, that's not the answer.  When she needs help financially, I help her, when she needs help with schoolwork or understanding something I help her.  I pay $1100 a month for Child Support and to be honest I wouldn't care if it were higher.  The answer to all of my ex's problems is for me to quit my career, sell my home and move to Iowa.  The ex and I had a very unhealthy relationship for the first 2 years of our daughters' life.  To this day, our daughter still recalls our arguments.    This was the reason we split.

I obviously love my daughter to death but packing up and moving closer to help take care of her knowing that the ex would just want to pick fights is definitely not my idea of what is in the best interest of our daughter.  The ex is a person who is always miserable, never happy about anything, complains about everything and quite frankly nobody will ever do anything to satisfy her.  She is just that way.

My question is how bad do things have to get in order for a father to petition the courts for custody?  I'm not asking for sole but I would like to have physical custody.  The ex struggles financially as most single parents but has managed to apply for loan after loan through the school for cost of living expenses to make ends meet.  Then calls me to complain about what she had to do as if it's my fault?!?!?!?
 
What can I do, if anything, to get my daughter?

Any input is appreciated.

Quick question:

When I have my daughter during my time of visitation isn't it true that I am responsible for ALL expenses including but not limited to any medical visits and/or prescriptions?  And that the money spent during my visits are NOT to be deducted from the child support payment?

I believe this to be true just need confirmation or a link to the guidelines.

Thanks

I am a NCP living in AZ.  My daughter and her mother moved to IA just over 3 years ago.  She is 7 now and means everything to me.  We have JC and I see her every 7-9 weeks and we try to talk every other day or so.  Recently things have been getting less frequent for various reasons and I am feeling a bit anxious.  I was just up there for a week in early March and since that time have not talked to her very often.  The ex says she is busy, tired, needs a bath, has homework etc...  I understand all of this but it has never been an issue before, we at least talk for 10 or 15 minutes.  The ex is a very controlling, a "thrives on being the victim" kind of person so her life is far worse than anyone else's on the planet...bit of a drama queen.  The ex has a live in BF that my daughter gets along with very well.  I have met him several times and he is a nice guy.  He has 2 girls of his own a little older and is good with my daughter.

The decree states that we can talk a minimum of 3X per week.  This
happens most of the time but not always.  In the past when I have brought up the decree she of course gets angry and defensive.  I guess at this point I don't know whether to look at this as a problem (that I havn't spoken to her) or let it go and continue to call every other day in hope that I talk to her or wait for her to call me.  I have literally talked to my daughter for 11 minutes in the last 9 days!  Extremely unacceptable to me.

Any suggestions or opinions?

Paul

Most of you know my situation and have helped me tremendously in the past and I appreciate it.  Now I have another issue with the ex.  I have been seeing a girl that we were friends with when we were together.  She is the ex-wife of a friend of mine.  I know the first thing everyone thinks is disgusting, gross, how could you etc...  They were married for 6 years and throughout the marriage he had and continues to have a drinking and gambling problem.  Bottom line is they divorced because she could not tolerate it anymore.

My ex and I separated almost 3 years ago and her and my daughter moved out of state.  I began seeing this girl almost 2 years ago.  Nothing too serious to start with but now we are considering taking the next step.  Well, I never gave my ex too much information about my personal life for a few reason: 1) Didn't feel it was any of her business 2) I knew it would obviously turn into an argument and I HATE dealing with her 3) and most important, I was afraid that she would begin to influence mine and my daughter relationship by making negative comments such as "your dad is now someone else's, her and her son are more important than you" etc...  My fear was and still is that my ex will try and make my daughter feel as though I don't care about her anymore because I am with someone that has a child.  My daughter and I have a fantastic relationship.  She is 6 and we talk almost every day, I visit her every 2 months and am very involved with her in terms of keeping up to date with her school progress and Dr visits.  I recently flew up to see her for her kindergarten graduation.  She was so excited that I was there.

Anyway, the ex knows about us now and says to me that if I marry her or move in with her she will never speak to me again.  First of all I understand her feelings must be hurt which I don't understand because for the last 17 months of our relationship before we separated I slept in the spare bedroom and had zero contact with her physically or emotionally.

Bottom line, what can I do if my communication with my daughter changes because the ex is upset?  I know I can't keep her from saying anything but I am confident that my daughter knows she is #1 to me and that I love her more than anything.  I don't want my daughter to be influenced by my ex into thinking she has been replaced.  It kills me to think that my daughter could be brain washed by my ex into thinking this.

As always thank you for your insight.

I posted this on Custody Issues with no response.  Hope to get some help on this board.


My 6-year-old daughter lives in Iowa with her mother. My ex is single, goes to school, doesn't work and complains about EVERYTHING! We have joint custody. I live in AZ and have seen my daughter on average every 52 days over the last 2 years. We talk on the phone almost every day sometimes twice. I stay very involved with my daughters' life; I keep copies of all of her medical records from all of her Dr's because I want to know everything that is going on with her especially when she is with me. I have arranged to have the school send me her progress reports for obvious reasons. I feel that I could obviously do more but being 1500 miles away you do what you can.

Periodically I have the unfortunate situation where the ex gets on the phone and just rips me a new one because she is stressed and just happens to be having a bad day. Usually this is done with our daughter in the next room or in the room of their apartment. During these times, and their have been a few, she says things like, "I can't do this anymore, I'm done, I don't have a life, It sucks being a single mom, I have to bathe her, cut her nails, do her homework, make sure she is fed, etc... What the ex doesn't know is the under the advisement of my lawyer I have most of these conversations recorded.

The ex is in school and does have homework everyday so I am not saying she has it easy but the message she gives me is that our daughter is really becoming a burden to her. I have offered on 3 occasions to take our daughter until the ex finishes school. She won't hear of it, "that's not the answer" she says. When she needs help financially, I help her, when she needs help with schoolwork or understanding something, I help her. I pay $1100 a month for Child Support and to be honest I wouldn't care if it were higher. The answer to all of my ex's problems is for me to quit my career, sell my home and move to Iowa. The ex and I had a very unhealthy relationship for the first 2 years of our daughters' life. To this day, our daughter still recalls our arguments. This was the reason we split.

I obviously love my daughter to death but packing up and moving closer to help take care of her knowing that the ex would just want to pick fights and make my life as well as our daughters miserable is definitely not my idea of what is in the best interest of our daughter. The ex is a person who is never happy about anything, complains about everything and quite frankly nobody will ever do anything to satisfy her. She is just that way.

My question is how bad do things have to get in order for a father to petition the courts for custody? I'm not asking for sole but I would like to have physical custody. The emotional stress that I feel when haveing to talk to her is difficult to deal with.  I can imagine it being the same for my daughter.

What can I do, if anything, to get my daughter?

Any input is appreciated.

Almost 2 years ago my ex girlfriend and 3 year old daughter moved out of state after I decided that the unhealthy relationship and almost daily arguements where too much for me expecially around my daughter.  The ex didn't want to stay in the same state and keeping her here against her will would have made my life and our daughters a living hell.  She chose and I agreed to let her to move out of state closer to family.  We have joint custody of our daughter and I pay my $1100 a month in CS without fail.  I live 1500 miles away and still manage to see my daughter every 8-10 weeks a minimun of 5 days and as much as 14.  My daughter and I talk almost everyday and sometimes 2x a day for at least 30 minutes at a time now that she is older.  We have a great relationship and both look forward to seeing and talking to each other.

Here is the problem, EVERYTIME my ex is overwhelmed with school (she doesn't work) stress about homework or short of money, she calls me for help and/or picks a fight.  It's always the same fight, "why don't you sell your house, quite your job and move up here and help me"?  This leads to 20 - 30 minutes of listening to her tell me how I don't care for our daughter, how work is more important, why don't you move here etc...  I am a degreed professional in the semiconductor business.  I've been in the industry for 15 years and with the same company for 11 of those.  I have told here that if I decided to move it would be closer to our daughter but not in the same city.  Being in the same city as my ex would give a reason to try and make my life hell again and I won't stand for it anymore.  During these conversations it's always, "I can't handle this" or my favorite "I'm done".  She always paints a picture of our daughter being a burden and too much to for her to take care of with school, bills, homework, grocery shopping, blah...blah...blah.  I know that raising a child is difficult but when we lived together she didn't work or go to school.  She took care of our daughter while I worked and supported the familiy and she wasn't happy.  Now that she has a taste of what being a single parent is like and all I hear is her complaining about how tough it is for her.  And she still isn't happy!!!

I have documented 13 occurances of these complaints and wonder what if anything can I do about it?  I have offered to on 3 occasions to take our daughter while she (my ex) is in school.  The response from her is hell no and in her mind the answer is for me to quite my job, sell my house, move and find another job.

I know this is long but I really need some input.

Thank you in advance for the feedback.

My daughter is 5 years old and has lived in Iowa for the past 16 months with her mother.  During this time she has been sick with strep, RSV, sinus infections, upper respitory infections and a host of other illnesses.  She has been to urgent care, ER's and pediatricians over 20 times.  She has been diagnosed with Asthma recently and has had dairy allergies since she was an infant.  Currently she is taking Singulair for her allergies and Albuterol for her asthma.

I live in Arizona and visit her every 8 to 10 weeks.  She has been back here to Arizona with me 3 times for 2 weeks each visit.  I stay very involved with her health and activities and am really getting concerned about her health.  He mother and I talk regularly about her health and agreed to take her to an Allergy and Immunology doctor.

Is it possible that being in Iowa is aggravating her condition?  I have considered presenting this to the courts.   Does anyone have any input as to how I should proceed? Do I have a valid concern (I think I do)? Can anything be done?

Appreciate the feedback.