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Topics - OneMan

Pages: 12
Custody Issues / Is this usual in high conflict situations?
« on: Jul 22, 2017, 11:41:43 AM »
Hey. Long time no post. I came to this topic not knowing which forum's best. It has the most recent posts.

I'm interested to know whether my current problem normally comes up in perenially high conflict parent situations (which mine is) and if there's any literature that looks at this particular circumstance.

Our first kid's going off to college and the ex is acting insane (that's a mild term) over splitting the remaining vacation time, claiming I have no vacation time, which we both do by law. Meanwhile, the ex claims she has vacation time. No reason is given for this odd interpretation. Nothing is different than it's ever been. But lots of threats, demands, dismissing long settled agreements. I could go on.

Maybe it's just my situation but I'd like to know whether this time in a daughter or son's life make these high conflict situations even worse. Honestly, I have been surprised.


General Issues / Shared expenses
« on: Apr 17, 2016, 01:50:48 AM »
This probably an obvious question, but I don't know the answer. Maybe somebody can help.

Is child support retroactive in principle?

My ex and I equally divide child's expenses--educational, extra curricular, travel, big ticket items, etc. There is no order. It has just evolved that way. In fact, ex believes that having this status quo situation binds me to all future shared expenses, and I realize she has a legally defensible position.

So, if this is the guiding principle, does it apply to the past as well? If ex paid entire pre-school bill many years ago and it was $5000, can she demand that I reimburse her for half ten years later because we have an unspoken 50-50 agreement for the past 5 years? Can she claim I still owe her from the past and she is now going to deduct that from her current share of expenses?

Can she make a defensible claim that since she paid for much of that with a credit card...and she's still paying it off...that I have a legal obligation to pay my part? Or can I say the past is the past and the present is the present so I owe nothing on the old bills.

I think this a strange question but I am interested to know if anyone has insights or knows of any "rules." Thanks.

Custody Issues / Money issue with ex
« on: Jan 21, 2016, 01:51:30 AM »
Hi--quick question even though I've brought it up before. It's money related.

Brief background. Teen aged child, no support order or support agreement. Custody 50-50. Split up since child was baby. Ex has remained extremely combative for all these years although surprisingly lawyers only came into the picture once at the beginning to write settlement cover custody, holiday schedule, etc.

Topic. For first three years of child's life I paid 100% child care even though our salaries were the same. It was a very expensive, private day care. So about 25,000 a year. She refused to pay anything. Reason given? I wasn't paying rent then because it was my sister's house and she didn't charge me.

Many years later, child is in private school. We have paid 50/50 except for two years when I paid 35%. I am having a very hard time paying 50 now. (In fact it's always been hard. Debt load is huge at the moment.) She refuses to pick up the slack saying I have money available to me because of money I have put aside for college, which I don't want to use now. I've told her that since she is remarried, it is now she who pays no rent because husband covers all of that. He also covers part of tuition. So her expenses are cut way down. And so she should pick up the slack.

Basically, I believe she should pay me back for the money she never paid way back in the expensive day care to make up for what I am unable to cover.

I'm wondering what a court would say to something like this? She believes a judge will say that the fact that I have been paying 50/50 most years, plus the fact that I paid 100% back in the early years, will work against me.

Or would a judge say that she needs to make up for that money she didn't contribute?

Honestly, this has always bugged me but I let it go in the past. I haven't wanted to pay lawyer fees. And I still don't if possible.

P.S. What does negative karma mean? Did I offend someone?

Father's Issues / Issue with ex
« on: Aug 06, 2014, 11:15:20 PM »
I'm not sure what to make of this and thought others might have some experience. I have posted before on other topics.

I have a teenaged child. The ex and I have been apart for more than 10 years. Time is shared equally.

I've found out that Mom told our child that Dad "hates" her. That's the extent of what I heard and I don't know if it was once or more than once. I didn't quiz my child. The context was me saying her sister didn't need to buy a small item that I was planning to pick up later. In other words, a logistical question of relatively minor importance. Ex's reaction to my plan was, "Your Dad hates me."

I don't know what to make of this and just thought, "This is disproportionate to what was going on and pretty extreme." I've certainly never said anything to my child about hating her. Not even close. I know very little of what she says to the young one and I don't ask. Historically, ex has been extremely combative with me verbally, but usually not around our kid. But this got my attention.

For my child's sake, I may go speak to a professional about this because I find it strange and scary. Ex has said other odd things in the past that I've heard about but not this dark. Maybe it's nothing and will pass. That's what I'm trying figure out. Thanks.

Visitation Issues / Parenting schedules
« on: Jun 26, 2014, 05:34:40 PM »
Hi. I'm trying to find what a typical summer visitation schedule is. My ex and I have shared physical custody. It is a 60/40 arrangement. Mother has 60.

Does anyone know what is typically done with summers in this kind of situation? I have searched around but can't figure it out.

In my situation, the schedule doesn't change during the summer except there is equal vacation time...3 weeks with each parent.

I have tried to negotiate more time with me during summer to make up for imbalance during school year, but she won't budge. It would mean going back to court. Yuck. But fair is also fair.

Any insight would be most appreciated.

General Issues / Money question
« on: Jan 16, 2014, 07:52:35 PM »
I'm not too sure where this goes, so I'll post here. It's a money question. The ex and I have always had shared physical custody. Our child is now a teen. There is no support agreement. Daughter's in a pretty expensive school and up to now we've always paid 50-50. Ex's salary is much higher. In infant/toddler years, I paid entire 20K/year day care. Ex said she couldn't afford  to contribute.  We have a settlement agreement. It does not include any financial agreement, just custody. It was done through lawyers. This is not a court order.

Ex's salary is now quite a bit higher than mine--100 vs. 60k. Ex also has someone else paying her monthly rent payments. I cover all expenses in my house--rent, tuition, food, outside sports, etc.  I would like to continue 50-50 because this is my child. But it's tight. Ex is not willing to go above 50-50. She thinks I have more income that I actually do. Question: is it worth going to court over this to establish financial agreement in accord with our incomes?  Is it worth paying a lawyer to handle it? Or is people's experience that in the end it's better to just sweat it out and work for higher income on my end?

Child Support Issues / External income
« on: May 25, 2013, 07:26:29 AM »
Hypothetical situation. There is no child support order between Mom A and Dad A, who are now split. For the last 10 years they have taken care of normal, everyday expenses for child within each home and then split big expenses like education, outside sports, dance, etc. Or so Dad A always thought. In fact, since Mom A got remarried 10 years ago, she hasn't actually paid any of these large outside expenses even though she continues to work and earn same income as before. She has convinced her new spouse to pay these outside expenses, which can run between 10 and 20 K a year. But she never told Dad A about this. Dad A learned about this when a financial statement arrived at his house showing new spouse's contributions.

Question: The law says both bio parents are to pay equal child expenses. Dad A totally agrees, but this news has changed his opinion about HIS PARTICULAR SITUATION (not the national law). Dad A has informed Mom A that they must rethink division of expenses. Mom A maintains she will seek court support order if Dad lowers contribution. Will a judge take into consideration who has actually been paying expenses or completely ignore that and issue an order solely according to Mom A and Dad A's income? (No other children from either marriage.)

Visitation Issues / Can she do this?
« on: May 12, 2013, 06:55:03 PM »
The situation is that ex wants to have child with her more nights. It's now two more a month with me. She is going to be working at her company's headquarters now, and can't spend long afternoons at home with child like she used to. I'm still working the same amount. I don't like the idea too much. What happens when she starts working from home again? There is no child support order.

I said I want to leave it like it is. Now she tells me she'll start working a day less or it will be too long between times she and our daughter are together and she says it's "unhealthy." She says that this may jeopardize her employment position in which case there will be no money at all and now it's pretty 50.50 down the middle. (Though she could easily find another job.)  But this would be jeopardizing her own life too! Can she do this? Has anyone else had this come up? She can take the afternoons under the agreement and she says that if that's the only way her and child will be together, then so be it, but she's not going to deplete her finances on court trying to get a modification that I will fight her on. Any help appreciated.

Custody Issues / Why isn't this covered in support?
« on: May 12, 2013, 04:03:10 PM »
I am sort of new to this. I am trying to understand why support guidelines do not include housing expenses.

For example, Ex-husband X and Ex-wife Y each make 60K annually. But ex-wife does not pay housing expense because she remarried and the current husband owns home outright. But ex-husband X pays the same rent he always paid and child lives with him 50% of the time.

Housing is a child expense just like medical care, child care, etc.  And it's a pretty large one. Then why is it exempted?


Custody Issues / She want to change time-sharing
« on: Apr 08, 2013, 11:15:37 PM »
Our child is 12. Time-sharing agreement with ex says she's 16 nights of the month with Dad and 12 nights with Mom. Ex wants us to change it now so that she is same number of nights with both of us, 14 and 14. I do not want to change it because it's been this way since she was 4. She is with Mom during the day many days when I'm working. That happens during summers too. Her schedule is more flexible because she can work from home. But that is about to end and she will start going in to work.

Now she's trying to blackmail me. Although we don't have a financial agreement, everything has always been 50-50, no problem. I make quite a bit more than she does, but she never argued about money. But for a long time she has not been happy with the time-sharing. Last month she told me that she'd cut back her contributions to education, dance lessons, school trips and all major non-household expenses if I refused to change the schedule so that the time is equal. She won't say how much but she probably would cut it back to 30 or 40%. She wants my answer in the next few weeks. I told her I am willing to think about this but not if she's blackmailing me. She thinks I'm yanking her chain and I have no intention of ever changing. We have lots of bills about to come due but I am not willing to make any changes with a hammer over my head. Should I just get a lawyer? I think a judge will tell her that she's always paid half so she has to continue. I also think that blackmail is illegal. I think the judge will also tell her that finances can't be used to force me to change time-sharing especially because this has to do with our child's very important needs. Has anyone been in this situation or know what judges say? We're not talking about a small amount of money. I told her if she doesn't like the time-sharing, why doesn't she just take me to court? I think she just doesn't want to pay a lawyer.

Pages: 12
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