Topics

We filed our taxes and knew that most of it would go to DH's ex to pay the arrears that was accumulated due to the judge picking a date that was retro.  That was fine w/ us since extra has been being taken out of DH's check to pay on the arrears.  We got our small portion of our taxes recently and saw the amount that they took to send to the Child Support Agency.  All of our state taxes were already taken and disbursed to DH's ex toward the arrears.  The amount that was sent out of our federal taxes is now over $430 more than what is owed to her.  I have checked and know that CS agency has not disbursed a check to her as of yet.  How do we go about making sure they only send her was is owed and not the whole amount?  And, how do we stop the order to the employer that has the extra amount taken out for the arrears?

DH and BM just finished their mediation.  Now we are just waiting for the mediator to write up what they've agreed on and send it to them to sign.  Since it's been a couple months since the last appt, I was worried what BM might try to come up w/ to validate her request to change the transportation where we would not only pick up SK's, but would transport them at least 1/2 way back to her.  (We live 100 miles apart.)  Since she first brought up the issue, and said it was because "we caused conflict or harrassed her everytime she came to pick up boys."  However, when mediator suggested that the nuetral point be the store up the road from us, that wasn't acceptable to BM.  So, we have made it a point to not go to the door at all when she arrives to pick them up.  That way she cannot even claim there was conflict or harrassing.  She has made up so much stuff about us yelling at her and such even though we really try to be friendly w/ her.  So, we just took ourselves out of the equation.  It worked!  DH told mediator that things between them have been really good for quite a while, NO conflicts whatsoever.  BM had to agree, and mediator said since that is taken out of the equation, then the only reason to change transportation was for convenience.  DH works on-call on Sundays and could not drive out of our area anyway.  That was the frustrating thing about it.  Nobody seemed to understand that this was not a compromisable subject.  So, since it was agreed that it was only for convenience against DH's obligation of work it did not get changed!!  WooHoo!

BM also wanted to get an extra week of summer... taken off our time!  Well, that didn't get changed either.... but it was established that DH and BM would work together to negotiate a time when SKs could go a little early at the end of our time so they could go to the County Fair w/ her in her town.

So, all in all, everything ended up working out ok.  We actually got everything that we've been doing, but BM started refusing to let us do since it wasn't stipulated in the papers, to be put in writing.  After all was agreed upon, mediator asked if they wanted to have it all in writing so they could sign it.  Ummm, yes!  With what we've been through w/ BM and her interpreting the CO'd Parenting Plan, we definitly need to have it in writing.  BM doesn't see the need to have it submitted to the court though.  But as soon as we have the papers signed by both of them, we are going to take it straight down and file it so that it becomes enforcable.  

What a huge relief!  Hopefully we will get through the next while w/ being able to get along.  It always seems that when BM has something going on in her life that is stressful, she takes it out on us and then turns it around that we are the ones coming down on her.  She's never gone more than 6 mos w/o causing conflict, and we've been conflict free for 5 mos, so we'll see.

Thanks to all that gave their advice on my various posts.  Now the only thing to get through is SS's grades!  School's almost over and SS's have said they might move again to another school for next year.  So, I'm sure you'll see more posts from me in the near future!

We have several issues that I have seen posted on here, but I thought I'd go ahead and post here to get some advice on how to handle or talk w/ BM about some of these issues.  BM is not really open to discussion about SS's when it comes to something serious.  Letters haven't really gotten us anywhere, and one response from her (in a letter) was that she does not need parenting advice, and if she does she will get it from someone who has been through it.  Basically telling DH to butt out.  I just want to know if these are issues we can really do something about.  TIA !!

issue #1- SS#2 failing 3rd grade.  I recently posted about this, and had just got done w/ a wkend w/ SS's where we got SS#2 caught up on his homework.  Well, we thought he was getting caught up.  He had several weeks of unfinished/untouched homework last wkend, in which he finished it all over the weekend.  We followed up w/ an email to teacher on Monday, who replied that he had turned in his homework.  YAY!  But when I checked his grade online, and it showed a jump from a F to a D.  It still showed he was missing 6 assignments!  Before the wkend, he was missing 11, so turning in 5 assignments was a lot, I guess.  Then we get an update from teacher last night that shows he is now missing 8 assignments and back to a F.  I totally blame BM for this.  This has been happening really bad this year especially, and if it were me, I would walk him to class and make sure he turns in his homework!  She doesn't want to take the responsibility for it though.  It is so frustrating.  Can custody be turned around by one of the two children are failing and we can show we are doing whatever we can from med distance (100 miles away) to help him?  We were also told by SS's and by their older 1/2 bro that he (older 1/2 bro) is failing most of his classes, and he is in 7th grade.  We don't really have a way of finding that out though.  It seems to me if it were only 1 child, it would be the kid's fault.  But when 2 out of 3 are failing, doesn't that show it is BM??

issue #2- SS#2 has allergies and has had asmatic episodes according to BM where she has taken him to Dr.  He's on state medical, so they won't pay for allergy testing, and BM gives him Claritin.  A couple months ago, we noticed that the boys smell very strongly of smoke.  When we asked them if they are hanging around their gma who lives w/ them while she smokes, they told us she smokes in the house.  They even told us BM asked their gma (her mom) to not smoke in house, but gma refuses to go outside.  BM has problems w/ cig smoke too, and she and her BF spend most of their time in a 5th wheel in the backyard, and that's where they sleep too.  But SS's have to stay in the house and that's where they sleep.  I'm so frustrated that BM won't subject herself to the gma' cig smoke, but won't put her foot down about the boys being subjected to it.  It's common sense to not smoke in the house, especially around children.  But since SS#2 hasn't been diagnosed w/ asthma and can't have allergy testing done, how do we go about proving that the second hand exposure is contributing to SS#2's allergies and possible asthma attacks?

issue #3-  SS's informed us that their older 1/2 bro got into a fight w/ gma, and gma "took away his room."  Now the older bro has to be in bedroom w/ SS's.  I haven't seen the room, as BM won't allow us in house.  But SS's tell us that it is wall to wall beds, with 3 beds in the room.  They also tell us that BM's BF's son stays there a lot, and the 4 of them have to alternate who gets to sleep on the beds.  The older 1/2 bro's room has already been turned into a storage room for gma.  Oh, and there is 4 TV's in their bedroom.  I have a problem understanding how it is ok to provide a TV for each child, but not enough beds.  I know this might sound like a nitpicky issue, but when we provide a bedroom here for SS's and they are only here EOW, I have a hard time understanding how they have less at BM's house when they live there all the time.

Hi.  I've been hanging around on here for months, reading so many things that strike so similar to our situation.  Now it's time for me to post and ask for some advice for my DH who has been going through mediation since December '05.  DH has 2 sons (10 & 9) from his 1st marriage; we've been together for almost 6 yrs and have a 5 yr old DD.  We live 100 miles from BM, who is the CP.

The problems started last fall (late Oct) when DH and BM had verbally exchanged several weekends to accomodate the boys' sports schedule.  On the last weekend that was switched, BM informed us that the boys' had tournament games.  She had previously told us neither team would be playing the tournament, in which she was the head coach on one team and an assistant on another.  We already had plans for the weekend, and she knew it.  During the weekend, she called to tell the oldest that his team would be playing in the Championship Game, which was a lie since they lost the first 2 games in the tourney.  She was trying to get us to bring the boys down or even let her pick them up a day early so she could take the oldest to the tourney, which he had told her and us that he didn't want to play in.  She knew that, that's why she tried to convince him that he'd play in the Championship game (he's pretty competitive.)  We flat out told her no.  When she showed up to pick the boys up the next day, Sunday, she demanded to know what we did that was so important that they missed the game.  Well, it wasn't good enough and she threw a fit.  She called DH a "lousy dad" and told him that she was having her BF spend more time with the boys so they could have a real father figure in their lives.  We slammed the door shut.
The next day, she called to tell us that since we switched weekends, and because of what "we did" that the new EOW schedule was now going to continue from us having the boys the previous wkend.  This totally altered the EOW scedule so that DH would lose 4 wkends of parenting time, due to our weekends now falling on her holiday weekends.  She also said we were not allowed to pick up the boys from school to start our wkends as we have been doing for the past 2 yrs.  The papers state EOW, and one "mid-week" visit from after school until 8pm on the day of Father's choosing.  Because of DH's work schedule and being 100 miles away, we had established early on that we would excercise the "mid-week" visit to be on the Friday our wkend started, and that we would pick the boys up from school and just start our weekend then.  She said that the papers don't say we can pick them up FROM school, only AFTER school, and started 30 minutes after the boys get out of school, in which they live less than 2 minutes from the school.  And further, that "mid-week visit" is Wednesday since that is the middle of the week.  She knows that DH works on-call on Sundays, and then M-W.  So, until mediation started we were not allowed to pick up the boys from school, and could not have the "mid-week" visit at all since we could not go down on Wednesdays.

Because our papers say we must do mediation first, DH requested her to do mediation, and we got the costs taken care of so she didn't have to pay for it.  So, mediation started in Dec with getting the EOW schedule determined to be in writing.  As is stands, it's EOW and doesn't stop during summer.  Even though weekends aren't used during summer, we were to use the weekends as markers and pick up where it is supposed to be in the fall after school starts.  BM wanted to keep the EOW schedule the way she changed it, and to have weekends stop during summer and alternate as to whose wkend starts depending on which parent has them for Labor Day that yr.  (Ex: BM has boys for Labor Day this yr, so our wkend is the next and goes EOW from there.)  DH did not really want to do this as it did make him lose 4 wkends this school yr, and would be a pattern of DH losing all wkends every other May due to his wkends falling on Mother's Day wkend and Memorial Day wkend, which is hers in even yrs.  But, he did agree to the new EOW.  The 2 other things he wanted put in the papers was that the papers state that he can pick up the children FROM school; and that whenever a non-school day is attached to his wkend, that the boys would be with him.  These were both things that we had been doing, but after she got mad and switched the wkends, she no longer allowed the extra day or picking up from school.  It took her a while to agree to let DH pick up boys from school, and at first the agreement was only once per month.  In a later appt, she agreed to let him pick them up every time.  The additional day was agreed upon too.

Then BM decided that she wants to have the transportation changed so that DH would have to drive the boys half-way down to her at the end of his time.  Right now, whichever parent is to receive the children must pick them up.  DH's work schedule of being on-call on Sunday's don't allow for him to go out of town.  She tried to get me to be the one to do the driving to her, but the mediator wouldn't let that happen.  She said that any agreements need to be between them only.  I want to add, that when the parenting plan was being made, BM attempted to have DH do ALL the transportation, but the judge made the ruling on how it currently is.
The other thing BM wants changed is the summer vacation time.  She says that when the parenting plan was made, it was based on the boys having 12 wks of summer.  Since then, she has moved 2 school districts, and the district the boys are currently in only has 10 wks of summer.  She wants the summer time to be equal between them, and is asking for a week of DH's time.
The last 2 issues have not been resolved.  The mediator is very big on compromise, and is trying to get DH to consider driving some distance.  No one seems to get that he cannot go anywhere.  He has a work van that only seats 2 (so he couldn't drive the 2 boys to her anywhere), and he must be with his van at all times.  Her first complaint was that she claims we harrass her whenever she comes to pick up the boys at our house.  When the mediator suggested that we simply drive the boys to the Safeway by our house, BM refused saying that wasn't good enough and that she doesn't like driving in our city.  I feel ready to just quit the mediation, which isn't mine to quit.  But I feel that these issues would be decided by a judge to our benefit and not hers.  I think this because it was the judge that set the transportation in the first place, and anything else would conflict with DH's work schedule.  As far as the extra week in the summer goes, the boys tell us that BM is planning on moving again and in another district, and it's not fair to take away time from DH and the boys time with him because she is moving school districts every 1/2 yr to yr.  Any suggestions or opinions on these matters would be so welcome.  DH and BM next mediation date is May 11th.  They haven't had an appt in a couple months since BM got a new job and wouldn't provide the mediator with her schedule.
A judge wouldn't make a ruling that would conflict with DH's work schedule would he?  And wouldn't there have to be good reason to take time away from the NCP?