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Topics - lucky

#1
Second Families / Frustrated as hell!!! VENTING!
Jun 05, 2011, 06:48:29 AM
So, ysd has a 7 month old little girl who spends nearly every weekend with us due to ysd's work schedule.  From the time ysd went back to work Jan 1st, daddy (loser boy is a better name) will "babysit" (his word) baby while ysd works.  As soon as ysd is home he is totally hands off except for fun stuff, and then not much of that either - too busy playing the xBox or "working" on his "music" (he thinks he's going to have a career as a rapper.  Ysd works from 7am to between 2 & 3pm.  Daddy doesn't get out of bed till 10am or so and leaves baby in her crib unless she is really shrieking.  In fact, he sleeps so sound, I would guess that he doesn't even hear her.  About 3 weeks ago they decided to be "just friends" and see other people even though they would continue living in her apartment together.

Ok, all that aside, a week and a half ago, ysd scared the hell out of us around 11pm on a Wed. night.  We're in bed no later than 10:30 and I'm usually sleeping by 9:30.  She shows up hysterical, baby is freaking out and it turns out that ysd got a text message from an old boyfriend who wanted to chat.  "Daddy" slapped ysd twice, then took her cell phone away to check the messages.  While he had it, ysd picked up baby to comfort baby (baby was scared) and another pic text came in from the old bf.  Daddy came out with the phone and punched ysd - she still had a black eye two days ago.

WE called the police, she made a report and they arrested daddy.  He was in jail for like a week before getting to court and she visited with baby every day.  He got out with conditions - OFP is in place and all that.  Ysd doesn't think that's fair so she's seeing him again.  Along with letting him use the car we JUST sold to her that is still in MY name (he doesn't have a DL either btw).  I let her have it on that.  I also told her that I don't want anything to do with the man because I don't trust him - under oath he agreed to no contact yet he violates that every day, multiple times a day.  She says he's changed.  Oh, PLEASE!  I want to throw up.  He says he's going to get counseling for anger management but has made no efforts to do so while waiting for sentencing.  He's going to wait to see what the court says he needs to do.  Yep, he's changed all right, hasn't he?

She wants to write a letter to the judge requesting the OFP be dropped and the local women's shelter will help her, but in order to do so, ysd must attend a group safety planning session at the shelter.  She wants to do something individual instead because discussing these issues isn't something she does in a group type of thing.  AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I told her that the purpose of the group is for her to interact with other women like herself, and she said "yeah, that's ok".

The only saving grace is that he pled guilty to a gross misdemeanor (it is his 2nd one in MN within 10 years) so the next time he hits her he'll go to prison as it'll be a felony.

His family came from Chicago to Minneapolis then to our town.  I wish he'd go back to either Chicago or Minneapolis - I don't care which because ysd may be making stupid decisions regarding Daddy, but she has already told him she won't leave our town when he brought it up once. 

Anyway, done venting.  Dh is tired of hearing it because he can't do anything either.  We both simply try not to think about it as sad as that sounds.  We can't change anything and when we think about it we worry and get angry with daddy.  Not a fun life - especially since we have plenty of other stuff to worry about.  :(
#2
Father's Issues / Posting for a friend...
Apr 04, 2011, 03:19:49 PM
Ok, here is the info as far as I know it...

Dad & Mom married several years, they have 3 boys 5/6 & under and one daughter (YD) about 8 who was from Mom's prior relationship, but Dad has legally adopted.  Dad has one daughter (OD) who is 19/20 yo from his prior marriage.

Mom has been physically assaultive to OD (it's kind of mutual) and they both have court cases pending against them.  Mom has denied everything, but recently the youngest boy spilled his guts to Dad about what he witnessed happening.  Mom refuses to allow OD to set foot in the house now.

Dad & Mom argue a LOT, most of the time with the kids around.

Dad owned the house prior to marriage and deed is in his name only as well as mortgage.  Mom has not worked throughout the marriage until approximately two months ago and she quit that job after several weeks.  She is licensed as an RN.  She has threatened to take the kids and everything he has away from him if they end up in a divorce.

Mom has been diagnosed with schizophrenia but is not med compliant.  Even when she does take her meds, she doesn't always take them like she is supposed to.

Dad has been talking about possible divorce for a while, but isn't prepared to go that far yet.

Last week Mom was admitted to the psych ward of the local hospital, she might be released today or tomorrow, but also might be admitted elsewhere for a 30 day evaluation.  Since her admission happened, OD has been staying with Dad and helping with the younger kids.

Dad is afraid for his and the kids' safety if she comes home.  He filed for an OFP, however, the judge denied it saying that Dad's reasons didn't meet the requirement threshold.

Minnesota allows legal separation but there aren't any forms specific to that published - just divorce forms.  I honestly don't think he can really afford an attorney, but we're going to recommend that he contact one if only for a consult.  I also found Temporary Relief with Children forms which ARE divorce forms, but not for final orders.  I'm going to print them out for him as well and explain to him that it isn't the final step of divorce, they could always withdraw the Divorce petition, but it'll get him in a stable place where he & the kids would be/feel safe.  I'm recommending that he ask for the house, the suburban (not paid off - and she can't pay it), legal/physical custody with supervised visitation with a supervisor of HIS choice or in a supervision center.

Does anyone have any other input/ideas that I could pass on to him?

#3
Child Support Issues / How weird!!!
Feb 17, 2011, 10:56:26 AM
Ok, child support court was this morning.  Dh went in loaded for bear, lol.  Then, pbfh stood up and said that she doesn't know why the county filed this and doesn't want/need the extra money, just the medical/dental insurance.

Hmmmm.

So, dh came home, we drafted a Stipulation keeping cs at it's current level, dh will provide insurance and dh gets the tax deduction each year.  Plus everything except the insurance ends when he is 18 and finishes high school (graduates, drops out, etc).  Insurance continues as long as he is eligible.  She signed the 8332 form 2010-2014 AND they're on their way to get the stipulation signed & notarized.  Once we get the order that results from court today, dh will file the stipulation and order overriding it.

Soooo, the question is, WHO instigated the child support modification?  She says she didn't.  Dh didn't.  Would the county do it on their own when the kid is going to be 18 in 5 months?  OR, could it be possible that someone else called the county and got them riled up enough to do it?  (Dh's sister WOULD do that if she could).

I don't know, in any case, I think it's worked out - once the stip is signed.   

BTW, just having her in my house again gave me the creepy crawlies!!!!
#4
Ok, you read about my dd before.  I'm REALLY stressed now because she's basically giving her child away so she can party!  I had SERIOUS concerns about the little one's daddy, but since he's had LO 50+ percent of the time, he's been stepping up to the plate.  According to "sources" that we trust pretty well, he hasn't been partying at all when the LO is up there, but he has been taking any and every odd job he can find so that he can have money to buy food, diapers, etc. for him.  Everytime dd takes LO to daddy, she has no diapers left.  Daddy buys diapers then when LO goes back to dd, daddy sends the remainder of the diapers with - because dd doesn't have any.  She appears to be timing the transfer to happen just as she runs out.   Daddy still parties, just not when he's got LO.

My dd is calling in sick to work saying that she caught what LO has even though LO is up at daddy's and dd hasn't been within 150 miles of LO in over a week.  She has been talked to by the managers about calling in so much - she's only had the job about 5 weeks!  She moved in with a guy who is in the bar a minimum of 4 nights per week and gets his kids e/o weekend but leaves them with a babysitter on Saturday nights to go to the bar.  On the nights that they aren't at the bar, they're watching football or playing poker and drinking like fish.  THIS info comes directly from dd.  When she does have LO (at least around us) she's screaming at him to leave her alone.  The poor kid just wants some attention from mommy but she's always tired, texting, having a cigarette (outside without him), hungover or a combination of these - or getting ready to go out somewhere (partying or work, sometimes both).

Poor LO has been sick since Thursday and daddy took him to the ER, dd didn't go up there, presumably she was at the bar playing poker since Thursdays are poker night at the local bar and they NEVER, EVER miss it.  She'd called into work earlier on Thursday and said she had to take care of LO.  The poor kid is still sick (NOT a virus the ER doc told daddy) and dd hasn't called us to tell us how he's doing or what is even wrong with him like she promised.  DH finally called daddy who told us what was up, DH called again today and daddy said that if LO isn't feeling any better by tomorrow morning, he's taking him back in.  Daddy says that dd calls, but is usually drinking and that they just get into a fight.

At this point daddy is pulling his weight and I think he'll win if he files for custody.  Honestly I think he should because my dd certainly isn't behaving as if she wants to be mommy.  If he cleans up his act (and maybe having this responsibility with be the trigger - who knows?) it would be a good thing.   

Anyway, I can't openly "endorse" daddy, but I'll be damned if I'll support dd in a custody battle as long as she continues like this.  That little boy needs stability and parents (at LEAST one) who wants him and wants to be daddy/mommy.  I'm screwed with my dd, I know.  If I don't help her, she'll hate me, even though I don't believe she should have him at this point.  But, she'll just have to hate me, I guess. 
#5
My dd is 22 yo and has a 2-1/2 yo little boy.  She broke up/moved out of the home with her bf (daddy) 5 weeks ago.  We spent a LOT of money going to get her and bring her stuff back along with the little one.  We spent a lot of money stocking our fridge & cupboards with food a toddler eats (at least what this one eats).  We loaned her our vehicle, loaned her money for gas, loaned her money for cigarettes.  We let her slide on last month's cell phone bill.

She left the guy because he was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to her.  She never called the police though - didn't want to put her son's daddy in jail.  She was the primary provider and caretaker of the little one.  She had a job and while she was at work, the little one was in daycare.  Daddy didn't work, instead he stayed at home all day/night drank, smoked dope and did God knows what else and told dd that he was too busy to take care of the little one when she was at work.

Daddy's brother-in-law owns a company that is and always has (15 years now) done EXTREMELY well.  I would have to say that he & sister pull down about $500K per year AFTER taxes, etc.  NOT kidding, this guy and his brother hit the jackpot with their business model.  So, paying for an attorney - a GOOD attorney - will not be a problem.  We've been telling dd that she needs to get a parenting time agreement put together and get daddy to sign it.  She hasn't done it.

Now is my issue - she was here 6 days when she sent the little one 3-1/2 hours to daddy's for a week - and had no way of picking him up the following weekend (our extra vehicle is not reliable enough to go that far).  She found a friend who was coming near our town from there and managed to arrange for the friend to bring him home.  She then had him for the next week during which she got a part-time job. 

The first day was the following Monday and she had to work from 2pm to 4pm, after that day, she didn't start till 4pm or later which was expected.  We'd taken the insurance off the extra vehicle because we couldn't afford it till she could start paying at least for gas.  DH and I were not able to babysit due to our own jobs and she claimed that she couldn't find anyone to babysit that first day because she didn't have a vehicle to drive so she sent the little one back up north to daddy's again without having any way to pick him up.

The following Sunday daddy was at his sister's which is about 5 miles from our home.  He didn't tell dd that he was in town, instead, packed little one up at the end of the day and took him back north.  That was last Sunday, at this time, she hasn't gotten little one back.  In the meantime, she's partying her a** off like she doesn't care and we got in a HUGE fight about it.

I think she's being set up.  She certainly can't use his drug and alcohol usage against him or the whole caretaking thing when she voluntarily sends him up there to stay for weeks on end.  And she says "oh, he won't do that".  AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  I'm just grandma!  If she doesn't want him, daddy will get him.  Then he'll revert to his old ways and HIS parents will end up taking care of the little one!  And his mother uses drugs too!!!!!  The younger brother uses and deals!  His dad is disabled and has trouble walking, much less taking care of a toddler.

There isn't a damn thing I can do and it's driving me crazy!  The only way DH and I will ever be able to do anything is if the above really happens and my dd doesn't straighten her act up.

And honestly, at this point in time, she's got to become the model citizen if she wants to win because we can't afford an attorney and it's REALLY difficult to get help from legal aid right now because of financial cuts to the program.

I just needed to vent.  I know what she should be doing and I'm more than willing to help her, but she HAS to want to do it and HAS to want the help.  Right now she just seems to want to be the young, cute, single girl instead of the mother she chose to be.  And it'll be damn hard to forgive her if she just gives that little boy up because I KNOW that she won't be seeing him because they won't transport at all, not even meeting half way - his parents do all that and mom hates my dd and warned her about taking the little one away from her.  The only reason they do transport now is because they're coming to get him. 
#6
Father's Issues / Who is dad?
Mar 21, 2009, 06:11:22 PM
Well, it's been a LOOONNNGGG time since I came for advice.  Things are pretty good for us, all but one of the stepkids are 18+ and we don't have to deal with any ex's anymore.  However, our two oldest girls both live with and have a child with men who have a child from a previous relationship.  Who'da thunk?

I'm here about my dd's situation today.  Her bf has a 7yo with a former girlfriend.  Mom got married last Saturday to a man that she'd been dating about 6-9 months from what I understand.  Mom has been noticeably cooler to bf since bf and my dd got together and had their little boy, but not pbfh bad.  She's yanked his chain a couple times, but backed off fairly quickly in each situation. 

Ok, the 7 yo son has known bf since birth and knows that bf is his dad.  This weekend my dd & her bf had son for the weekend.  BF had gone outside before my dd got up this morning and she asked son where his dad was.  Son's response was "Who?  You mean Justin?"  My dd didn't know what to say or do.  I believe that she said yes, but didn't care for the idea that he was questioning who dad was.

My first thought was "and so it begins...."  I told her that I'd come and ask advice from people who'd been there done that.  In our similar situation, dh hadn't actually seen ss till he was 7 and ss had lived nearly his whole life with his mother's bf in the picture.  That isn't the case with dd and her bf though.

Any ideas on how she should handle it?  She doesn't want bf to know because he'll be crushed then get pissed off and he doesn't make the greatest decisions when he's po'd.

Thanks!
#7
Child Support Issues / Early tax question
Nov 12, 2008, 05:34:38 AM
Ok, got an early tax question.

DH has sole physical custody and joint legal custody of YSD (17 yo).  Because I held her accountable to our rules, she moved out in the middle of June and is currently living with her mother.   DH has refused to sign over custody due to how their mom lets them run wild - if it got bad enough this way he has some legal leverage.

They live in a 2 bedroom apartment and OSS (20 yo) and his gf (22 yo) have one bedroom, mom has the second bedroom and YSD gets the couch with a closet in the entryway for her stuff.  Mom does NOT buy food - she eats fast food or stuff like ramen noodles all the time.  Since YSD moved in, she's gone to the food shelf each month to get food for YSD that mom, mom's bf, OSS and OSS's gf all share.  Their electricity & cable/internet/phone has been shut off a couple times since YSD moved in.  Currently mom is behind in rent approximately 4-5 months, her bf is loaning her $1000 and she's getting the rest through social services. 

Basically YSD has purchased her own food, feminine products, paid for her own laundry, her own school lunches, and her own phone since she moved in there.  We have purchased her food, paid for all her medications (she has athsma), paid for her doctor & dental visits and paid for her health/dental insurance since she moved in there.  Prior to that, she only paid for "extras", like clothing outside our budgeted amount, movies, school dances, etc.

We believe that given this we've more than paid over half of her care, plus dh retains custody even though she isn't physically here.  Would dh be legally ok to claim YSD on our taxes this year?  We've been told that mom wants to, even though she hasn't paid for a damn thing - if you don't pay the rent, you can't claim you paid it as part of your support!  Right?
#8
Chit Chat / Need some "employment" feedback...
Apr 11, 2008, 09:55:58 AM
8 days ago, I gave my notice to my current employer as I have a new position MUCH closer to home with less time involvement (back to normal 40/wk). At my current employer there are some processes that must be monitored/verified daily M-F that are fairly critical to the business. Unless there is a problem this takes ~15 minutes. Along with that are systems that I manage that no one else has ever bothered to learn - again, fairly critical but very stable with few issues. I'm in IT and currently (if my title were correct) be an applications administrator/data analyst - that's close anyway. All of these daily processes and systems will become obsolete as of 10/01/08 due to a different application being implemented. Also, my current employer has excellent tech support for it's applications.

The corporate office has decided not to replace me, but instead has asked if I would stay on as a part-time contractor to monitor those processes and assist with "emergency issues" that might arise. I'm open to this, but really don't know anything about contract work and my local HR person told me I should put together what I'm willing to do and the number of hours per week, pay rate, etc. and submit it then Legal needs to draw up the contract to sign.

Ok, here's what I'm looking at:

Monitoring/troubleshooting daily processes
Other emergency issues (need to define emergency though) during my off-hours from my new job
Up to 10 hours per week.
No weekends or holidays (they're notorious for expecting this of employees & contractors)
I can terminate the contract with one weeks notice
Contract to end 10/01/2008
General troubleshooting of other processes or the applications will be handled by employees or tech support.


Does this sound fair, good, right, wrong? Am I asking for trouble? Anyone who has done this before?

Also, what would I charge? I know what I currently earn for them and they were willing to give me a raise to keep me, but my leaving isn't about the money - it's the time and personal life that were missing. That's why the 10 hour limit - it would be equivalent to the commute I'm giving up, but I won't be working the 10-12 hours a day six days a week anymore on top of the commute.

Thanks for any input. They're kind of pressing me (only 3 more business days till I'm done) and I want to decide, but don't want to get in deeper than I should because I rush this decision and I don't know what I'm doing regarding any form on contract work.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]
#9
I want to know that all my friends here are okay.

No one got hurt or had loved ones in the bridge collapse did they?  We were lucky as several of our family members live and/or work in the Twin Cities, but none of them travelled that bridge yesterday.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]
#10
Minnesota State Forum / Hi guys!
Dec 01, 2005, 03:53:02 PM
Please check out my post on the Child Support board and let me know what you think ok?

Also, to Sunshine:  What is your theory on why the DA won't press charges?  I'm REALLY curious.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]
#11
so I thought those of you who've "known" me forever might like to know it as well:

OSD -- is 18 and lives on her own with her "boyfriend" who we all thought was pretty cool, but is turning into a rather controlling, emotionally/verbally abusive guy who is too chicken to see, much less speak, to any of her family. Scary is that she's doing exactly what her mother did 1.5 years ago with the guy she lived with then and that ended in physical abuse in which he tried to lock her in the cellar and strangle her with a curling iron cord. Osd won't listen to anyone either even though she's po'd at him most of the time for treating her like he does. I think he's cheating on her and feels guilty -- treat her bad because she does everything "wrong" and he doesn't feel so guilty because he has a "reason" to cheat, right? As of yesterday she claimed she was moving out, but was only taking her clothes and a few bathroom knick-knacks.  We'll see, sounds like she's just trying to "send a message" to him.

My DD -- is 17 (18 in April) and chose to stay in the foster home an hour away instead of come back to our city after telling me for weeks that she wanted to come back here. Currently she's been demanding that I sign for her driver's license because she wants to go to school for law enforcement. Now THAT'S SCARY (she has three felony convictions on her record as a juvenile, plus misdemeanors and gross misdemeanors)! Oh, and BTW, since she can't get in w/o her DL, it'll be all my fault that she fails in life because then she'll procrastinate and won't ever go to college. She even called her dad to ask him. I have sole custody (legal and physical) and I chuckled because HE knows he can't sign and he called me to see why I wouldn't. On Friday, after he called her back, she was SOOOOOO nice to me. I'll sign when she stops treating me like I'm something to be scraped off your boot AND when I get a sincere apology for the treatment. Sunday I found out that although she won't come here for a home visit, she's had at least one weekend "home" visit with my father and stepmother -- about a MONTH ago. Seems that I'm not important enough to inform of these things, much less see if I'm okay with it when she won't come here.  

Yesterday I told her that it's obvious that I'm only needed to sign for the DL or counseling so I'll sign, she can have it.  I told her that if she ever wanted to visit US, to call and we'd see what we can work out (she has not asked to nor indicated that she wants to visit in 4 months -- not even when I talked about the holidays and what WE (meaning us and her) were going to do).  I think she believes that she's going to TX with her foster parents over the entire Xmas break.  She's upset because she's "losing" me but I told her that when she "changed" her mind about coming back here (our city) on the day of court that pretty much did it.  She said that she chose to stay there because if she came back here, I would begin twisting everything and tell everyone it was her fault "like I always do".  My comeback was that having her in our town so that we could DO the intensive family counseling required for her to live here and wanting her to come back HOME to live BEFORE she was an adult were NOT bad things.  (Sidenote:  those things should have been taken as proof that I DO love her and WANTED her to be a daily part of the family, I think.  One reason that I'm "giving up" is because my health and my sanity depend on it.  She is VERY manipulative and loves to play games.  I never know whether she's telling the truth or not and I just can't handle it anymore.  Anti-depressants and my own counseling just couldn't help me "get over" it.  I need to distance myself from the hurtful things she does -- even if it hurts her.  Hopefully someday she'll understand or will be mature enough for me to explain.)  

Anyway, she's got what she wanted, but it's not good enough once again.  I wish I could live so blindly (her foster mom is like this too) and believe that I am entitled to everything because I exist.  Dd did not believe that way until after she'd been in that foster home for several months.  Ex.  She got her classring (pd for by the foster mother, reimbursed by the county) because "it's not fair that she doesn't get a class ring just because mom and stepdad think she shouldn't have one" when in reality, we said she SHOULD be able to get one IF SHE PAYS FOR IT HERSELF.

OSS -- lives with his mom (ex#1). She's called the cops on him twice in the last 3 weeks. He's on his way to some kind of program, but he won't come back here to live. He said as much because he hates the rules. However, mom is laying down the law (YAY!! About time!) and has told him that if he continues, she WILL continue to call the police and if they ever decide to take him, too bad. He's lucky they haven't already. The second time she called he looked at the cop and said "Why are you even here? What happens between my mom and me isn't any of your business." in an extremely disrespectful tone of voice. The cop was a little ticked off at that.

YSD -- same old, same old. She's 13 and has hit puberty. Screaming temper tantrums when she doesn't get to do stuff. Strange thing is that she won't ASK to do stuff, she just keeps saying she never gets to. She'll get over it, oh in about 5-6 years, maybe sooner. At least she's a normal teenager instead of what the other three were/are.

YSS -- now lives in the same town and ex#2 is having the same problems with him we've been having with DS. They're near the same age. Suddenly ex#2 is calling dh everytime something happens -- dr. visits, conferences, IEP stuff, just general behavior things, you name it, suddenly she "needs" to know how dh feels or what he thinks about it. I'm afraid that she's going to drop him on our doorstep. I can't do it with another one, especially since he's got severe learning disabilities along with the ADHD and behavioral issues. He reads at a first grade level and he should be (age wise) in sixth grade. Funny, but she's doing all the transportation now too -- at HER instigation!

Then there's our DS which you can read about in my other update post.

He and YSD are the ones I'm focussing on now -- we still have a chance with them. The others are too old or too far gone for me to dive right in anymore, I don't have the strength for it anymore, it's been too many years with them and very little progress. Except YSS, but if I focus on him too, then I can't focus enough on DS -- YSD doesn't take that much because she's "normal" so I can include her needs easily (I was like her once! :)  ). Besides, DS and YSD are the only ones who live with us at the moment and they directly affect me so their needs NEED to be addressed immediately.

So, there you have it. Dh and I are having our ups and downs. Still pretty much over the kids -- even the grown and almost-grown ones although it's the younger four that we have the serious disagreements about. We'll survive though, I think.
#12
[em]I remember that you guys were SOOO supportive last spring/fall when we were having so many problems with our son.  I don't feel really "safe" posting this stuff on the main boards here -- haven't for years since getting lambasted by some people who may or may not still be around (lurking anyway).  Anyway, I've joined parentskorner too and here's what I posted over there if any of you aren't members there.

posted on 10/9/04 on parentskorner[/em]

We have a SERIOUS problem here with our youngest -- he will be 11yo on 10/28/2004. He likes fire (among other things). He keeps setting things on fire in his room then, when he gets caught, he shoves the stuff under his bed. Last Monday, we had the fire department out here (an emergency call) and they were supposed to pass the info on to the fire marshal asking that he contact us regarding some kind of educational program so that our son understands the potential harm of lighting fires. So far, no word. I've looked online and can't find anything in our area (not surprised there though), although I did print out a bunch of stuff including pictures of burn victims in full color that I made our son sit down and read. I told him that anytime he thought about lighting a fire at all he should sit down and read them again.

Now the "other things". He has become increasingly violent and angry, and he's stealing (big stuff and small stuff) -- no matter what we do. He's simply falling apart especially over the last week. We had the cops here on Sunday (due to threats, violence and a buck knife he'd had hidden and, we found out later, he'd threatened his half brother with) and Monday (fire setting) and on Tuesday, he brought a roofing knife with him to school and when caught, told the principal and the police that he'd brought it to scare a kid who'd been teasing him on the bus home. Suffice it to say he's now being charged with a felony and has been suspended since last Tuesday until at least the weapons committe meeting next Tuesday -- who knows if they'll even let him back.

He has been diagnosed ADHD and ODD. We're trying to get him voluntarily admitted to a residential treatment facility, but that is difficult because social services refuses to help. Apparently social services feels that it is acceptable for our entire family to be at risk of physical harm and even death just so they don't have to put themselves out. However, the program in our city WILL accept him when they have an opening since my insurance will pay 100% IF they get the documentation they need from the medical/counseling providers. Getting the documetation from his psychiatrist (who is prescription happy I think) is turning out to be a HUGE chore even though he said in a meeting last Tuesday (prior to the knife incident) that the residential setting is a good thing for our son.

On the 19th, we have an appointment with a homeopath because his meds DON'T WORK! Even if he's in the treatment program, we're going to push that. I'm done with traditional medications -- we've tried a zillion different things and nothing works -- not without side effects that the doctors want to treat with yet more meds. The kid has been medicated with between 1 and 5 (at a time) different Rx's since he was age 6. Currently he's only on two - ritalin(for the ADHD) and clonidine(for the Ritalin side effects). We've tried: Ritalin, Clonidine, Wellbutrin, Strattera, Concerta, Adderall XR, Risperdal, Orap, and several others, I just can't remember their names right now.

On the 22nd we have the intake appt. for anger management -- he'll have to do one-on-one with the group coordinator because the group only accepts kids age 13-17.

Until last month, he was in individual therapy (for four years) and we discontinued that because his therapist said that he could not help him and that our son NEEDED more intensive treatment. In fact, this therapist has been advocating residential treatment for our son for 1-1/2 years, but until this past week, we hadn't found any program that would take him without a referral from social services or a court order. And we couldn't get a court order because he was too young to arrest so we couldn't get him in front of a judge.

And thanks for reading through all this! I'm feeling pretty good today, but this past week was hell.  :(

[em]posted 10/21/04 on parentskorner:[/em]
Dh and I brought him to the residential program this afternoon. The intake process took three hours. He was admitted to the 45 day assessment program at the end of which it will be decided if he should be admitted to the residential treatment program or released (to us) with specific treatment guidelines and resources in place.

It was really hard to leave him there. He was doing very well with the other kids and the staff, but he was fighting to not cry when we hugged him goodbye. So was Mom. I honestly think that this is going to be harder on me than him.  In spite of what he's done (and knowing the behavior wouldn't be changing without intervention of this type) he's still such a little boy.

Anyway, thanks for your ideas a couple weeks ago, he's where he needs to be, at least for the next 45 days and we'll see what happens after that.
#13
as he has found a job and we don't want to deal with court.  His cs would possibly still go down, but we're just going to leave it alone.

The question is, how do we serve and file the Notice to Withdraw Motion on the cs office and pbfh#2?  Do we need a third party to serve it?  By mail?  Or do we just file it and the court administration notifies pbfh#2 and the cs office?

I have the document ready to go, just don't know what to do with it.
#14
here's the link:  [a href=http://www.childsupport.dhs.state.mn.us/]Minnesota Child Support Online[/a]

I'm liking it a lot.

On another note, found out that pbfh filed for welfare sometime in Dec. since she decided she doesn't like to work for a temporary agency (even though she had the opportunity to work up to 60-70 hours per week at the position she had -- instead she stayed home and played on the internet and watched TV).  SO, in spite of the court order stating that neither party will pay cs (she has custody of osd and dh has custody of oss and ysd), the county is going after dh for cs.

I told pbfh that she'd better get it figured out because if they take a dime from dh, she's in contempt of court and I will make sure that we pursue it -- and ask for a judgment in the amount of the funds withheld from dh against her.  In addition, the day that osd turns 18, I'm filing paperwork for dh to get cs from pbfh again.

Thank goodness for the new website so we didn't get totally blindsided, but dammit she pisses me off!!
#15
Minnesota State Forum / Hey, Spinner....
Dec 22, 2003, 05:40:19 AM
Didn't you have court for your ex's motion to reconsider last week?  Or was it for the RO against her mother?

Anyway, what's happening?
#16
TEXT OF CURRENT ORDER (in MN):

IT IS HEREBY ORDERED:
Commencing Friday, October 1, 2004:
1) Petitioner (DH) and Respondent (BM) shall share joint legal custody of their minor children:
OSS date of birth 11/1988
YSD date of birth 02/1991

2)Respondent shall have sole physical custody of the minor children:
OSS date of birth 11/1988

3)Petitioner shall have sole physical custody of the minor child:
YSD date of birth 02/1991.

4)Visitation will remain as currently ordered.

5)Neither party will be obligated to pay current child support so long as each party retains physical custody of one of the parties' children.

6)Each party is solely responsible for any and all costs related to medical, dental, counseling and other types of health related issues including insurance premiums for the children in their physical custody so long as each party retains physical custody of one of the parties' children.


FACTS:
OSS is now living full-time with my 18 yo DD who is completely supporting him with the exception of ~$100 per month for food obtained from BM's food stamps. He's been living with DD since mid-September and refuses to live with me and will not move back in with BM unless she obtains a permanent home.

BM receives cash and food benefits from the state for herself and OSS, BM is living with her boyfriend at his parent's home (not permanent).

My DD is a full-time student living off of financial aid and student loans and will not be able to support another person for very much longer.

On paper, BM retains physical custody of OSS, even though reality is that he lives with someone else. No one wishes to file for a change in custody due to son being 11 months from turning 18 and a court case for that would never be completed in time.

My YSD still resides full-time with us and there is no chance of that changing -- she will NEVER choose to live with her mother and her mother can't win a court case against us.

MN has an expedited child support method that would result in a court date with a magistrate ~1-2 months after filing.

QUESTIONS:
1) Can my DD file for child support for OSS since SHE is supporting OSS, not BM?  I know that this could potentially bite us as they may try to make dh pay cs as well, but let's pretend that isn't going to happen, ok?

2) In your opinion, would it make sense for dh to file for child support for YSD given that BM is no longer supporting either of their children?

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]
#17
Child Support Issues / Here's a good one....
Apr 13, 2004, 04:26:27 AM
Got a letter from MN CSE last week.  It said that their records show OSD is going to turn 18 soon and that CS ended at age 18, unless the child was in secondary school, then at age 20.  If OSD was still in secondary school, dh needed to contact CSE to continue CS.  If he didn't contact them, CSE would no longer collect current CS for OSD effective on her 18th birthday but CSE would continue to collect arrears owed to dh.

Here's the "funny" part(s).  Pbfh hasn't owed current support for any of the kids since April 2003 because she was homeless and jobless and on general assistance through the county (continued to receive food stamps till about 2 months ago).

Even better??  Pbfh has had custody of OSD since October 1.  CSE should have received a copy of that order since it specifically stated that no current CS would be owed by either party since they each had custody of one or more of their children.  AND pbfh filed for welfare benefits for OSD and herself immediately which opened up a current CS case with dh as the obligor with the SAME worker.

Wonder if pbfh got the same letter that dh did?
#18
as he has found a job and we don't want to deal with court. His cs would possibly still go down, but we're just going to leave it alone.

The question is, how do we serve and file the Notice to Withdraw Motion on the cs office and pbfh#2? Do we need a third party to serve it? By mail? Or do we just file it and the court administration notifies pbfh#2 and the cs office?

I have the document ready to go, just don't know what to do with it.

#19
Dear Socrateaser / File for child support or not?
Dec 01, 2005, 11:03:57 AM
TEXT OF CURRENT ORDER (in MN):
IT IS HEREBY ORDERED:
Commencing Friday, October 1, 2004:
1) Petitioner (Me) and Respondent (BM) shall share joint legal custody of their minor children:
son   date of birth 11/1988
daughter   date of birth 02/1991

2)Respondent shall have sole physical custody of the minor children:
son    date of birth 11/1988
            
3)Petitioner shall have sole physical custody of the minor child:
daughter   date of birth 02/1991.

4)Visitation will remain as currently ordered.

5)Neither party will be obligated to pay current child support so long as each party retains physical custody of one of the parties' children.

6)Each party is solely responsible for any and all costs related to medical, dental, counseling and other types of health related issues including insurance premiums for the children in their physical custody so long as each party retains physical custody of one of the parties' children.


FACTS:
Son is now living full-time with my 18 yo stepdaughter who is completely supporting him with the exception of ~$100 per month for food obtained from BM's food stamps.  He's been living with SD since mid-September and refuses to live with me and will not move back in with BM unless she obtains a permanent home.

BM receives cash and food benefits from the state for herself and son, BM is living with her boyfriend at his parent's home (not permanent).

My SD is a full-time student living off of financial aid and student loans and will not be able to support another person for very much longer.

On paper, BM retains physical custody of son, even though reality is that he lives with someone else.  No one wishes to file for a change in custody due to son being 11 months from turning 18 and a court case for that would never be completed.

My daughter still resides full-time with me and there is no chance of that changing.

MN has an expedited child support method that would result in a court date with a magistrate ~1-2 months after filing.

QUESTIONS:
1) Can my SD file for child support for son since SHE is supporting son, not BM?

2) In your opinion, would it make sense for ME to file for child support for daughter given that BM is no longer supporting either of our children?

#20
Parenting Issues / What to do....
Feb 13, 2004, 11:48:00 AM
While looking in yss's (10 yo) dresser for some nice clothing, I found a duffle bag stuffed into the bottom drawer.  I opened it up and much to my surprise was confronted with Playboy and Penthouse.  There was also a folder filled with printouts of the nastiest porno websites.  You know the ones I'm talking about I'm sure.  I used to get emails from those sites to the point that I changed my email addy.  There was also a knife and a candle in the duffle.

Since yss and oss share a room (when yss is visiting) I have to assume that the stuff is oss's (15 yo).  We don't allow porno in our home -- not movies, magazines, nothing.  In fact, we had to throw out a "collection" of mags when we moved in because dh's dad liked them and had "left" them for dh.

Currently, I have taken the printouts, mags, knife and candle and have them in my room.  Dh is not home right now to discuss this with.  I believe that oss will be using the duffle bag this evening because pbfh told him he could go over to a friend's house for the night.  Which means that he will discover them missing before I can talk to dh.

How should I handle this if oss confronts me/us before I can talk to dh?
#21
Parenting Issues / Results are....
Dec 04, 2003, 10:04:12 PM
negative.  Apparently osd lied to pbfh OR pbfh lied to me.  Oss called pbfh and asked her who told her he was using and she told him dh's brother only.  Then she told him that getting a UA was all my idea and she didn't have any part in it.  (It is her weekend and she'd told me that if dh didn't get a UA done before then, she was taking oss in to get one.)

I called a "mini-family meeting" with dh and oss and told oss what his mother told me in the phone call with her when she told me that oss was using.  He's 15 and I'm tired of pbfh playing him like that -- he deserved to know the truth about this at least since it was him that could have gotten in trouble.

Anyway, things got better, in a sense.  In that little meeting, oss admitted to playing dh -- at the time oss was saying that, dh decided to leave the room and I blew up at him.  Oss began crying and dh didn't dare leave after that.  We all had a little discussion and it came out that oss feels that when he tries to talk to dh about his feelings, he is ignored by dh and that dh walking out while oss was saying that stuff about playing dh was an example.  (My opinion of dh is that he doesn't want to see his first born son as having problems.)

I asked him if it had gotten worse since I had stopped disciplining him and was making dh do all oss's discipline and oss said yes.  When I asked why, he said that he has to do more to get dh's attention now.  Up till I quit disciplining oss, dh used to tell me that I was too hard on oss.  

I'm thinking that oss wants the attention from me, BUT what he REALLY REALLY REALLY wants is for DAD to LISTEN to him.  Since I quit disciplining, I've found that I have to distance myself in every other way as well from him.  So he has no one and since pbfh believes osd about bad things regarding oss......

Pbfh was surprised the UA came back negative.  I wasn't -- I wouldn't have been surprised either way, BUT I have now INSISTED that me, dh and oss have a family counseling session with just us three to get us on track because it is ONLY a family issue, not a drug issue too.
#22
Parenting Issues / Need some opinions....
Dec 03, 2003, 06:57:10 AM
Oss is 15 yo, about 115 pounds and is 5'7" tall.  Ds is 10 yo, about 60 pounds and is 4' to 4'6" tall (somewhere around there).

We've been struggling with ds for a long time now with violence towards dh (his dad) and the other kids.  We've got him in counseling and we're doing family counseling and there are automatic consequences for violent behavior of any kind as well as threats of violence.  Ds is also on anti-depressants (for about 6 weeks now) which seems to have been helping him with his moods so that he doesn't have the violent spells anymore.  It went from almost every day to once every 7-10 days.

Last week in family counseling, oss told the counselor that he deliberately baits ds in the hopes that ds will become angry enough to try to hit or otherwise try to hurt oss because oss then intends to beat the hell out of ds because he hates ds.  Over the past several weeks, oss has been verbally abusive to ds and sometimes to ysd (12 yo).  He's also threatened to hurt them by "playing" and doing todays version of the "Hurts Donut".  In addition, he refuses to follow any rules, including doing chores, etc.  He is also getting rides to and from school from people we don't know and have not given permission for -- he is to ride the Metro Bus only unless he has prior permission.

Dh doesn't do much of anything because, even though I've BUSTED oss, oss lies to dh and dh says "well, don't do it again" IF he even lets on to oss that he doesn't believe him, he believes me.

Last night it came to a head.  The kids were watching Charlie Brown and oss gave the "Hurts Donut" to ysd with his knuckle on her right shinbone (if it matters, ysd also has a cast on her left leg and is on crutches).  She has a bruise and a lump there now.  Oss says they were just playing  and ysd is being a baby.  Dh told oss that if he ever did it again, he'd be grounded.

Am I out of line expecting a zero tolerance for violence from oss as well as ds (for the whole family really)?  I mean if he's going to hit his sister like that "in play" what is he going to do when he's mad??  Also, if you review the sizes of the two boys -- ds will be seriously injured if oss succeeds in his baiting of ds, no doubt in my mind.

Oss is in counseling, however, I've been told  (by the counselor) that oss has refused to go anymore or talk if I attend ANY sessions and dh schedules EVERY appointment during the day so that HE can't attend either!!!  So, these sessions are NOT addressing ANY of the issues here because oss IS NOT going to admit to any wrongdoing!!  In addition, oss refuses to participate in family counseling.  Instead he goes to his room and does things that he is not allowed to do.  And gets NO consequences!

I can't disengage because the other kids are involved and he won't leave them be either.

HELP!!!

P.S.  I spoke with osd this morning too and she wondered why oss gets away with getting rides from people when SHE got grounded for it and why ds gets punished for hitting and threatening when oss doesn't.
#23
General Issues / Quick tax question...
Feb 03, 2007, 01:27:26 PM
OSS turned 18 on 11/9/06.  From 1/1/06 to 10/31/06 he did not live with pbfh although she had custody.  He was not allowed to move in with her because she was renting her boyfriend's parent's basement and they said she couldn't have him live there.  He refused to live with us and chose to stay at a variety of friends' homes -- 4 or 5 different ones regularly.  

He had a part time job and purchased his own food, clothes, etc. during those 10 months.

On 11/1/06, pbfh obtained a different place to live and oss moved in with her.  He pays $75 a month to pbfh for rent and still purchases his own food, clothes, etc.

I believe (based on the TaxCut program's questions) that pbfh cannot legally claim oss as a dependent on her tax return.  Oss wants to file himself and doesn't feel that pbfh should benefit from having custody of him since she did not support him at all for 10 months of the year and then only partially supported him the last 2 months.

She is po'd because she says "I deserve that money, it's mine because I had custody of" oss.  Among other things -- like saying oss doesn't deserve a refund of what he paid in, she deserves it for giving him a place to live.  My tongue really hurts I've bitten it to keep my mouth shut so much.

Anyway....  Can anyone tell me if I'm right or she is right?  If she can claim oss as a dependent, she will qualify for head of household and get a whole lot more back than she will otherwise, because without oss, she has to file single.

One other question:  She won $2000+ in Bingo over the last two months of the year.  She says she doesn't have to claim it (smallest prize was about $250) because she won it so it's tax-free.   I believe she does because of the amount she won.  So who is right with this question?

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]
#24
We had a 10 yo soft-sided hot tub that started on fire last Friday morning.  It was a total loss as one whole side of the thing actually melted.

We filed a claim, etc., etc.  and the adjuster came out and did his thing yesterday.  Here's where it gets interesting....

We have replacement cost on our home AND contents.  We called a dealer of the Softub brand (like we had) and were told that a new one that is the same size as ours was retails at $4100.00.  Ok, well the insurance adjuster has informed us that they are going to depreciate the tub and will pay us whatever they determine it was worth prior to it burning up.  

When we asked about the replacement cost coverage we were told that when we replaced the tub and submitted a receipt, then we would get the remainder of the funds.  First problem here -- there is NO WAY that we can come up with four grand to buy a new one, reimbursed or not!  The check would bounce to high heaven!  

Second problem, we had pretty much decided that we were going to try getting a fiberglass tub and enclosing a portion of our deck into a 3 season porch around it and were going to use the funds to put toward THAT and TRY financing the rest instead of getting a Softub again -- if we couldn't swing the financing, we'd look at an alternative -- the Softub again, but we'd definitely need a hefty down payment with our credit which we couldn't get until AFTER we'd paid it.  In addition, dh was told that they will only pay us the replacement cost if we replace it with the same style of hot tub.

Is this right?  The total claim (if you look at what it'll cost to replace what we had, repair the deck and patio & clean the mess up -- that isn't done yet either) is about $5100 - $5500 and dh was told that we'll get somewhere around $500-$1000 (including what the ins. company pays direct for cleaning, etc.) after our $500 deductible.  What the hell are we paying insurance for???

We're in Minnesota and the company is Farmer's if that helps any.

Almost forgot!  Here are the parts of our policy regarding the settlement of claims and stuff: [em]
3.  Loss Settlement

Property Other Than Buildings.  Covered loss to the following types of property will be settled at Actual Cash Value:  
(1) Personal property and structures that are not considered buildings.  
(2) Carpeting, including wall-to-wall carpeting, domestic appliances, awnings, outdoor equipment and antennas, all whether or not attached to buildings.

 Payment will not exceed the amount actually needed to repair or replace the damaged property, or the limit of insurance applying to the property, whichever is less.

....
13.  Our Options.  We may repair or replace the damaged property with equivalent property.  We may also take all or part of the damaged property at the agreed or appraised value.  We shall give you written notice of our intention within 30 days after receipt of your signed sworn statement of loss occurs.[/em]
#25
General Issues / got some new pics....
Dec 09, 2003, 08:15:04 PM
[a href=http://www.bpa-mn.org/puppies/puppies.html]puppies!!![/a]
#26
of my final project.

I have to build a website that uses pictures, sound and components like buttons, text areas, etc.  The problem is that I can't think of a topic.

PLEASE help me come up with something!!  My teacher showed us some examples of what people have done in the past and my brain has gotten stuck on them and no new topics are coming out of it now.

This is horrible!

Thanks in advance for any ideas you can come up with.
#27
gurus out there.  I'm working on my 2nd AAS degree hoping that a job will appear in the computer programming field that I am qualified and able to take.

In any case, I'm working on Java and it's driving me nuts!!!  One assignment left and I'm done but I'm stuck!

Problem:  Have "Friend class" that contains name, address, phone, bdate and name of picture file.  So far, so good -- it all prints to the window that I originally made using the Window class.  The picture file is a jpg and the problem must be an application, not an HACK.

I have to display the picture though, not the filename.  And I can't seem to make it do everything.  Any pointers on what to use for a container -- it won't let me use the getImage method either even when I import everything and use a class extending Frame.  I don't want to be told how to do it, but just to be pointed in the right direction so I can figure it out.

I'm using j2sdk1.4.0 if that helps, I have no experience with javax.swing (which is all I can find answers about at Sun's website), etc.  REALLY BASIC stuff so far.

If I don't get it done today, I'm giving up but I could blow my (so far) perfect GPA cause it's worth about 4% of my grade and, as I said, it's been driving me nuts -- all semester, 4% would drop my grade far too much.

Thanks!
#28
Second Families / nm
Jan 11, 2008, 04:19:46 PM

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]
#29
But really only blew his own with dd.

This morning at 10:48, dd gave birth to a 6 pound, 6 ounce, 19.5 inch baby boy named Avery.  :)  

Although she'd said that she only wanted Avery's dad to be in the labor/delivery room, dad called me about an hour before she had him and told me he thought I should come to the hospital (he was getting a little freaked) so I did and had the privilege (and heartbreak listening to her and not being able to make the pain go away) of witnessing my first grandchild's birth.  And dd told me that she'd have made it through with just dad, but having me there helped so much more.

She called her father AFTER everyone else had been called.

I wish I knew how to put a picture in my post so all of my friends here could see him, but as computer savvy as I am, that skill eludes me.  I just had to share my great news!


[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]
#30
Second Families / Am I wrong???? kinda long.
Nov 25, 2006, 08:51:10 AM
Here's the scenario:

OSD is 20, lives with her bf - visits mom whenever, visits dad whenever, attends family gatherings as she wishes - like most adult children do.

OSS is 18, lives with mom but is waiting for his friend to turn 18 so they can get their own place, (this is the ss who has been homeless for the last 18 months because mom lived with her bf and told ss that bf didn't want kids living there and ss refused to come here, mom refused to sign custody over) - visits dad whenever, attends family gatherings as he wishes.

YSD is nearly 16, lives with us and visits mom per the court ordered visitation.

8 years ago, we went to court to get specific court ordered visitation because mom's family planned all gatherings on dh's weekends - e/o weekend was an agreed upon thing at that time, not court ordered.  We let the kids go because it's important, but mom refused to trade weekends and, when it was dh's family planning something on mom's weekend, she also refused to let the kids go to it.  The court specified weekends and holidays, etc. and we stuck with the co to the letter and the kids missed a lot on both sides.

We told the kids that it was mom's time, we didn't plan it and we were sorry.  We also told the relatives when our time was and that if they wanted the kids there, they'd plan it then which they tried to do.

Mom told the kids that they didn't get to go and it was our fault because we hated her family.

Fast forward to now.  We've traded weekends over this past summer with mom because her family had weddings that fell on our time.  Ysd said she wanted to go, so we made arrangements for that.  On other occasions, both ours and mom's, we've (dh & I) told ysd that if she wanted to attend, it was her responsibility to ask the appropriate parent for permission, i.e. if we have something going on during mom's time, ysd needs to ask mom and vice versa.  This has worked well and mom never had a problem with it till now.

Dh is turning 40 on Christmas Eve.  He's never had a "special" birthday because it's ALWAYS been celebrated with Christmas, growing up he even got a combo birthday/Christmas present under the tree -- not separate gifts.  I want to have a surprise birthday party for him - on a Saturday.  Fridays won't work because too many people have to travel a long distance, plus I get up at 4:00 am and NEVER am awake past 8:30 on Friday nights.  Sunday won't work because everyone has to work on Monday and I won't get up at 4:00 am on Monday if I'm partying on Sunday (neither will dh).

The first two Saturdays in December I will be out of the country for business reasons -- and I can't get out of it without jeopardizing my job.  As important as this party is, it isn't THAT important.

The third Saturday is open but is mom's weekend.  

The fourth Saturday begins the Christmas celebrations.  For 30 years we've celebrated Christmas and my dad's birthday on the 23rd (his birthday) and it's planned already for this year too.  

The fifth Saturday is the 30th and I have a social work thing planned for that day that was planned months ago.  Plus mom's family always celebrates Christmas on the Saturday after Christmas.

Going into January isn't an option because I have a baby shower to throw for osd & dd on the first Saturday and more travel for work later in the month.

So, for me, Dec 16th is the only open day that I knew I could do and that I thought the stepkids might be able to make.  Obviously the kids will be going to mom's Christmas celebration on the 30th.  So I planned it for the 16th.  Osd and oss are definitely coming.  But all hell broke loose with ysd because ysd wants to come and asked mom for permission (it'll be a total of about 2 hours on Saturday early evening).

Turns out (and I DID NOT know this) that one of mom's nephews is getting married on the 16th.  So mom blew up on osd AND ysd about how I "always deliberately" plan our family stuff on HER time to screw her out of what little bit of time she gets.  Seems she's pissed off because the kids would prefer to go to dh's birthday party instead of the wedding.  When I found out about the wedding I looked AGAIN for a different day/time.  I even considered a Friday evening or Sunday afternoon, but on the FEW dates that are available, I can't get a party room anywhere in town.  Having it at home is not an option for financial, personal and legal reasons.

Mom also ragged on ysd about when I was going to ask permission to have a party on HER time so I called mom and said that I didn't intend to ask because I'd told ysd that I was having it that day and if she couldn't go, I was sorry, but I couldn't do it on any other day and if mom wanted ysd at the wedding, then ysd would go to the wedding.

Mom was NOT placated.  Mom went off on me about how I always plan stuff on her time so that she never gets to see ysd (btw, mom usually works Sat & Sun on all weekends till between 3 & 6 pm, then spends most Sat. evenings at bingo, we make ysd go anyway as mom never asks for different days/times).  I didn't know there was a wedding, honestly though, it probably would not have affected the date of the party because I CAN'T do it any other time.

Now, ysd is caught in the middle and she's ticked at mom because the wedding is IN TOWN, the dinner is at 4:00 and the dance goes till 10:00.  Dh's party is from 6:00 pm till ?? with him showing at 6:30 (most people will probably leave around 8:00 or so I expect with the diehards moving into the bar area by 9:00).  Osd & ysd have asked me why they can't do both.  My answer is that osd can do as she wishes, but it is mom's time so ysd has to ask mom for permission.

Am I in the wrong?  If I hadn't sent out invitations I'd have just cancelled it, although that's not really fair to dh either, but still...



[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]