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My gf has a daughter, who will be coming to live with us at the beginning of the up-coming school year.

Her custody order states they are to share the child yearly (as parents live in different counties). After child enters high school, she can choose where she wants to live - She's chosen to live with Mom.

Mom, my GF, is debating whether to open that can of worms and ask for child support... she's afraid that the X (the AH that he is), will try to take her back to court for custody.. even though her daughter is definately mentally capable of stating where she wants to live.  

HE are the factors;

We have a 3 bedroom 3 bathroom home in a nice neighborhood, brand-new high school a few blocks away, we both make decent money. I have custody of my two boys 13 & 12, both are to start high school this year also.

He BD, has just moved from a home they lived in belonging to BD wife's father to an  "ify" neighborhood in a city where there are gangs in the area. THe house is a 3 bedroom 2 bath and wife decided she wasn't going to work, while BD claims he makes 30.00 an hour.

BD has older daughter who ran away a few times and is now living with her mother, and that mother is going for child support, he has 2 boys 12 & 10 with current wife wh olive with him.

They've 'technically' been married since 1995, while BD and my GF were still in divorce proceedings. THen they got married again after the divorce was finalized... anyways they are not sure if we have this info or not....not that it makes a diference, unless he takes us to court...

Since the agreement was for the child, my GF's daughter, to live with one parent one year and the other parent the year after, and so on... the child is dead set against living with her father anymore - especially after this last school year...Mom wants to prepare for college for daughter, as she is an A/B student and wants to go to college. But we can't afford 3 kids going to college at the same time - she wants the BD's help, but he whines too much.... then threatens to go to court. Which we're not afraid of...

So, the question is; SHould she, my GF, open a case for child support?

I reside in Stanislaus County, X Resides in Santa Clara County. I have custody of our two boys 13 & 12 for over 6 years. I do not have any old copies of our paperwork – I am in the process of obtaining themt in the near future (next week). The case is in Santa Clara County, CA.

FACTS;

X and I separated and started proceedings 6 years ago. I was under the impression when I signed the final papers that the X would do her part - she dropped the ball, and I've assumed I have been divorced for over 6 years.

I left the residence due to the affair, and her increased drug use. I came back for my two boys within a month - she gladly gave them up. She never fought custody. She has not wanted visitation until recently. She has abandoned them for almost the entire 6 years, with few phone calls.

Child Support order was put in place in 2001. She has some how had a "Reserve" or Hold put on the amount owed. She owes $56,000.00 in arrears. She ditches wage garnishments, and still has her license and refuses to file taxes.

She just recently told me that the divorce was never finalized, and that she wants custody of only one child for the school year, while the other child will be taken only for the summer. I will not agree to this. She needs to take them both for visitation, and I will fight custody.

She has stated that she cannot handle both boys at the same time with her 4 year old. Her Cousin/Boyfriend is in Prison for drugs and assault. I have a concern that she will continue a relationship with him when he gets out. She chose him over our kids before, I don't want the boys to go through that again. He abused them, mistreated them and left them in their room all day when he came home from work.

She has produced a child with her cousin. She has been self-supportive and supported by her cousin/boyfriend for almost the entire time we have been separated. Now she is asking for Spousal Support, and custody of only one child.

She lives in a neighborhood that has seen some action, robberies, break-ins, gun-fire. There are gang tags in the neighborhood. She has a one bedroom apartment. She shares the bedroom with her 4 year old child from the affair, and the only bathroom in the apartment is IN that bedroom.

The boys are 13 and 12. The 13 year old has started personal private 'entertainment', the 12 year old is soon to follow - if he hasn't started already. They have their own privacy in my residence. But they do share a room, until I can have a 4th room built.

The 12 year old is a special needs child. He has anger management issues and abandonment issues.

I have a 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom home in a good neighborhood. I spend every Saturday with them doing something together.

I am in a relationship with someone I am going to marry, when the divorce is final. My girlfriend has a child of her own the same age as my 13 year old, she treats the kids great. She makes sure they have consistency, structure, manners, respect, Chores, responsibilities, she attends their school functions with me, she helps in every way possible to see that we all get what we need.

Recently my boys went to see their mother for two weeks. A week and a half into the visit, I had made a regular call to speak with the boys and they weren't there. When I had asked where they were, she refused to tell me. As a result of her refusing to tell me where the boys were, I picked them up early from the visitation, and the Police were involved.

I decided that since she now wants to have some kind of regular visitation, it would be best for ALL of us to have any kind of agreement in writing. Especially since the last fiasco. The boys were supposed to go to their mom's for two weeks at the beginning of August. I sent her a certified letter stating that all agreements are to be in writing from now on with both of us receiving a copy.

I stipulated that she is to provide transportation both to and from her residence, due to my having provided transportation both ways last visit to her. She called and told our 13 year old that she isn't going to pick them up because I was being unreasonable since she has to provide transportation both ways (on this agreement only) - If you would like to see the agreement I wrote up, I will attach it).

In essence she refused visitation and hasn't called since. Telling our son that she doesn't want visitation that it's not worth it to see them for a short period of time and that she wants custody.

I have NEVER refused her visitation, I told her that she can come get them any-time she wants, and I'll pick them up from her house. But she has to take both boys. I have documentation from school psych evaluations that she states she cannot handle both boys, and that she has called me to come get them early from the very few visitations she has had with them.

I want to do a re-introduction period of visitation. Since she has not been there for the boys, I want to start slow (and she has stated in her court papers that she wants one weekend a month). I want to start with one weekend a month and go to the standard two weekends a month and them something like 1st 3rd and 5th weekends. Holidays will be included.

I have come up with a parenting plan. I would like you to take a look at it and see what you think – but will not post it unless you feel you want to see it.

QUESTIONS

1. What are her chances of getting spousal support – after she has been self-supportive and in a relationship for the entire time we have been separated?

2. What is meant by having the arrears and child support case in/on "Reserve"?

3. What are her chances of getting custody of only one boy?

4. I want to keep Sole Custody, Is that unreasonable given the circumstances?

5. IF I agree to any other custody, should I agree to her having joint custody and my keeping legal?

6. What's the difference between Legal and Joint Custody?

7. How much does her having the 3rd child affect the case?

8. How much does her having a relationship with her cousin affect the case

9. How do I go about obtaining an Arrest record for her cousin/boyfriend – what information do I need?

10. Can I refuse to let the children visit her when the cousin/boyfriend returns from Prison?

11. What information do I need to include in a statement to explain my concerns about her having custody?

12. Would you like to see the Parenting Plan I have come up with?


Thank you very much for your time,

SEB1670

CALIFORNIA

(apparently we have no custody/visitation agreement- but I have physical & legal for 6 years)

**I NEED information on Child Abandonment, and what's legally fair for RE-Introduction....**

I thought I was divorced for 6 years, then my X tells me she never finalized the divorce..... NOW, she's going for custody AND spousal support... We were married for 8 1/2 yrs. then another 6 years lapsed after that - before this bomb-shell information was brought to light.

She became a drug user during our marriage, and I left because of it. I have physical custody of the two boys and she pretty much abandoned them for 6 years. With very few phone calls and even less visitation.

In 6 years time, she has quit her jobs when found by Child Support and still refused to work. She has cheated on me (prior to our separation - WITH HER COUSIN) and Produced a child from that relationship 4 years ago. She has been supporting herself since her Cousin/Boyfriend went to Prison...

From what I understand she STILL has her driver's license. How is that Possible?

Somehow, a year or so ago, she was able to put a hold on the Child support case... She owes $32,000.00 in arrears - The Paperwork from the CSS states "Amount owed; RESERVED" What the heck does that mean?

She has not been there physically, emotionally, or any other way for the boys. She does not attempt to pick up the boys, she constantly calls and tells them she is then calls and tells them she isn't - trying to blame me.

The last time I let the kids go with her, she refused to tell me where they were - I threatened to call the police and pick them up if she didn't tell me - I followed through. The problem with that was SHE was supposed to come pick the boys up from my residence and then 3 days of drama ensued; she tried to find a relative to pick the boys up, that didn't work; she tried to find out about the bus; that didn't work..and so on... My GF and I told her she could stay at our house over night and I'd look over her car to make sure it's running ok, she refused. My GF offered to take the kids to her residence - provided she pay gas- she refused. we gave up on our end... then she decided to try to spend 160.00 on greyhound or something (wasn't paying attention to the drama anymore) when my GF told her to pay gas and she'll take the boys; X finally accepted- DRAMA - but, she was supposed to bring them back up after two weeks.. and seeing as how we had to involve the police, the boys didn't stay and we had to make the trip back to retrieve them.

She's asking for spousal support (after 6 years) and to have custody of ONE boy for the school year and 'switch' for the other one only during the summer, and both for one weekend a month - the first weekend.

We flat out refused. There is no way they should be split up to help her monetarily - that's the only reason she wants custody of only one... ON TOP OF admitting that she cannot handle both boys at the same time. The boys have a bond, they've grown up together. They've always been together.

Here's the stupid thing I did; I figured since she asked for spousal support, I would too. I also asked for attorney's fees, and whatever else I could ask for.


What I would like to do is RE-Introduce the children to their mother - speaking over the phone and actually being with the children ARE two different things... they don't really know each other...

I don't want to keep them away from her - and I NEVER have.

FACTS;
1. SHE Abandoned them FOR damn near 6 years.
2. She lives in a one bedroom apartment. The bathroom is located in that bedroom.
3. Oldest child is 13 1/2, younger child is 12. Both boys.  Her 3rd child is also a boy, age 4.
4. Boys already 'participate' in 'personal male activities' (erections, ect..)
5. She is unreliable - She says she'll show up and doesn't.
6. If she doesn't get her way - It's DRAMA all the way!
7. She yells at the boys constantly, then calls me to either come pick them up or help tell them to listen.
8. She makes negative comments about me to them. Telling them stories that didn't happen or twists the truth - always about the past. And lets others do it too.
9. She hasn't allowed them to ANSWER my phone calls (she has caller ID) when I call to talk to the boys.
10. She refused to tell me where the boys are when they have gone with her.
11. I have had to involve the police. I have done most of the driving.


Questions;

1.  Is any of this going to help me in court to retain custody?
What do I need to show to the Judge to prove that they have been with me for 6 years?

2.  How can I go about fighting the Spousal Support? She has been self-supporting the last 6 years (and has had another child during that time, so she's been supported by someone else since our separation.)

3.  Who do I need to Contact to have her License revoked?

4.  Who do I report her failure to file/pay taxes to?

5.  Where do I go to find a Police Record on her and the Cousin/Boyfriend who is in Prision now - What Information do I need?

6.  How do I be fair but not be taken advantage of by her/ the situation?

7.  What will the Judge look for in a better home environment for the boys?

8.  If I compromise on the Sole Physical/Legal Custody - Should I let the Judge decide what we get? Or should I suggest I keep Legal and agree to joint physical? What is better?

I want to keep physical and legal and residential custody....

I have a 3 bedroom/3 bathroom home, the boys have a backyard to 'play' in, they have their own bathroom, they're going to a nice school - brand new this upcoming school year.

I also want to have her keep her word about visitations. If she fails to show up - what can I do? I want her to have visitation of the boys.

I stated Sole Physical and Sole Legal - should I stick with that? And then compromise with Joint? Joint on both or just one?



Heres a copy of the parenting plan written up by me; tell me if it's fair or not....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Father to have Sole Legal, Sole Physical Custody. Children to reside with Father, Mother to have Visitation as set forth herein.


ORDER RE CUSTODY
AND PARENTING PLAN
JOINT CUSTODY SUPPLEMENT
Civil Code §4600.5 (e), (f)


CUSTODY/ PARENTING TIME
Natural parents, Petitioner: Mother, Mother and Respondent: Father, Father, shall share and participate in the joint physical responsibility for their biological children, Child #1 and Child #2 as set forth herein:
PRIMARY CARE; Primary Physical Care and Custody shall remain with Father, Mother to have visitation as defined herein. Children to reside with Father throughout school year.

Due to Mother not being present for past six years, a re-introductory period to take place. Mother to have both children First weekend each month, for first six months. Thereafter, Mother to have both children two weekends a month; First and Third weekends each month.

Mother to pick children up for her parenting time weekend on Friday no earlier than 5:00pm from Father's residence. Holiday and Summer Schedules to supersede regular visitation schedule. Father to pick children up from Mother's residence at 5:00pm on Sunday.

If the first day of a month falls on any part of a weekend (Fri., Sat., Sun.), it is considered the first weekend.

A weekend shall encompass Friday at 5:00pm until Sunday at 5:00pm or otherwise stipulated herein or agreed upon by both parents in writing, both receiving copies.

All school or legal holidays that fall on a Friday or Monday, not otherwise specified in the Holiday Schedule will be with the parent having the children on that weekend. The weekend will begin on the last day of school at 5:00pm the day of school dismissal to the day before school resumes at 5:00pm following the holiday.
TRANSPORTATION OF CHILDREN; The children will be driven only by a valid licensed and insured driver. If requested by either parent, the driver must submit their license and Insurance information. No copies of documents to be given to the requestor. This includes any Third party who is assisting in transporting children.
Mother to pick both children up on her visitation times from fathers' residence at 5:00pm. Father to pick both children up from mothers' residence on Sunday at 5:00pm, unless otherwise stipulated herein or agreed upon in writing.
If Father takes children to Mother's residence, and retrieves children at the end of the same visitation, he shall be reimbursed for traveling expenses, including, but not limited to food, maintenance and gas. Gas to be reimbursed at the Mileage Calculation Rate of 0.360 cents a mile.
LEAD TIME; There will be one (1) hour lead time in which to pick the children up. If the receiving parent does not pick the children up within the stipulated time and there is no communication, that parent forfeits their visitation for that time period and can not be recaptured.
Parties agree to contact the other parent when they are on their way to pick up the children. Not to leave a message with the children to relay, but speak directly to the other parent, so as to limit miscommunication between parties. Parties to contact each other if they are to be late or unable to pick up the children, within one (1) hour of pick up time.
If a parent fails to be at their residence at the designated time, and the lead time has lapsed, the receiving parent shall contact the local police department and file a complaint for possible kidnapping and/or failure to return. Receiving time is 5:00pm.

INCREASED TIME; Any reasonable request that the children make to spend increased time with the other parent than that allowed in this parenting plan shall be considered.

If the child/ren request not to go with the other parent for visitation, that request will be taken into consideration and an alternate weekend can be agreed upon for the child/ren to spend with the other parent.
EXCHANGING VISITATION TIMES/DATES; If both parents agree to change visitation dates, it will be put in writing and both parents sign agreement, each receiving copies.
EXTRA CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES; Extracurricular activities will be shared between parties. Cost to be shared equally. Each parent shall make an attempt to get child/ren to scheduled events to participate in the extracurricular activity.

MEDICAL/DENTAL INSURANCE; Each parent shall supply the other with copies of Medical and Dental Insurance information and cards. Both parents to share in the responsibility of gaining and maintaining Insurance for both children at all times, until they reach the age of 18 (eighteen).

Each parent will provide the other with the name and phone number of any Doctor (Medical/Dental/Vision) that children are a patient of.

TAXES; The parent with whom the children reside shall have the exclusive right to claim children on their taxes. Both parties to file taxes yearly.

PHONE CONTACT; Each parent shall assist children in initiating regular phone contact with the other parent.  Children to call Mother from Father's residence periodically throughout week between 5:00pm and 9:30pm while in father's primary care and during holiday and summer vacations. Children to call Father from Mother's residence periodically throughout week between 5:00pm and 9:30pm while in mother's primary care and during holiday and summer vacations.

If a message is left, child is to attempt to make contact again that night by using cellular phone numbers provided to other parent; Father's Cell number 555-555-5555. Mother's Cell number 555-555-5555

If a parent gives one or both children a cell phone, either of their own or to share, so that the parent can keep in contact with the children, both parents will make the monthly payments on that phone. Both parents receiving copies of the billing information, and receipts for any portion of their payment on the children's cellular phone. Neither parent shall be denied access to the children through the children's cell phone.

COMMUNICATION; Communication between parents may consist of person-to-person, phone, e-mail, text form cell phone to cell phone and written.

Neither parent shall contact the other parent's employer and harass that parent during work hours. Contact to the other parents employer is for emergency purposes only. An emergency is defined as sickness, injury or death of child/ren.

Whereabouts of children shall be shared with both parents at all times.

INJURY/ILLNESS; Each parent shall notify the other immediately of any serious illness or of any accident befalling children.

CHANGE OF ADDRESS; If either parent changes residence or phone number that parent must notify the other parent as soon as the new address is known, or forty-five (45) days prior to the move, as provided by law.

Failure to provide physical and telephonic communication access to the children will be construed as being in contempt of this Order.

NEGATIVE COMMENTS; Neither parent will make or allow others to make negative comments about the other parent or the other parent's past or present relationship, family, or friends while children are present.

Neither parent shall attempt, or condone any attempt, directly or indirectly, to estrange the children from the other parent, or to injure or impair the mutual love and affection of said children.

At all times, the parents shall encourage and foster in the children a sincere respect and affection for both parents, and shall not hamper the natural development of the children's love and respect for the other parent.

Mother and Father are enjoined from interfering in any way with the other parent's legal access to the children. Including contact by phone, mail or parenting time.

OUT OF STATE VISITS; Neither parent shall take either child out of the State of California without written notice to the other parent.

If either parent takes one or both children out of the state of California, that parent will provide verifiable contact information, including address and phone numbers to the other parent.

Neither parent will schedule activities for the children during the other parent's scheduled parenting time without written agreement of the other parent.

ALCOHOL/SUBSTANCE ABUSE; Both Mother and Father may not consume alcoholic beverages, narcotics, or restricted un-prescribed dangerous drugs within 24 hours prior to or during parenting times with the children. Nor will that parent allow a third party to do so during scheduled parenting times.

CHILDREN'S BELONGINGS; Each parent will maintain clothing for the children at their residence. Children are to be returned to the other parent with the clothing and other belongings they had when they arrived.

THIRD PARTY CONTACT; The children will have no contact with Mother's Cousin/Boyfriend, for reasons of Drug use, arrest and imprisionment.

CHILD'S EARNINGS; Parenting time with child/ren shall take into consideration, the employment and expanded age-appropriate activities of said children over the age of fifteen (15).

When said child/ren become employed, the employer shall pay the earnings of that child to that child. Both parents relinquish the right to control of the child/ren's earnings.

Any part of this agreement that is not followed shall be construed as willful failure to comply with a court order and action to be taken for contempt of court order to follow.

SUMMER SCHEDULE

Holiday Schedule to supersede Summer Vacation and Regular Visitation schedules. Summer Vacation schedule to take precedence over Regular Visitation schedule. Regular Visitation Schedule is considered In-School months.

Parent to take both children during all visitation times, unless stipulated herein.

Summer Vacation schedule to begin on Last day of school, until the first day of the following academic year. Summer vacation is to be shared equally between parents and to be worked out prior to end of the school year. Both parties to alternate transportation of children during any vacation time when school is out; each parent picks children up at beginning of their parenting time. Father to have first two weeks of Summer. Mother to have second two weeks and alternating two week intervals thereafter until the beginning of the following school year.

If one or both child/ren is/are enrolled in Summer School, parenting time will remain on Regular Visitation Schedule. The child not enrolled in Summer school will follow the Summer Schedule.

SCHOOL / STAFF HOLIDAYS

School attendance is mandatory. Children shall attend school daily, participate fully in school assignments and activities. Children will not be permitted to be signed out of school earlier than designated dismissal time without the written permission of the custodial parent, unless there is an emergency with that child or scheduled doctor appointment. Prior written contact information for doctor appointment and doctor's note after attendance is required.

Staff development/recess days when child is not to attend school, shall be spent with the parent who would normally have child on that day unless otherwise stipulated or agreed up on by both parents.

All school information to have both parents contact information added to Emergency Contact Card. School information to be shared with other parent, including School name(s), phone number(s) and address(es).

All school notices, report cards, and school activities to be shared with other parent. Both parents to have ability to attend any school function, orientation, conference, meeting, etc.

HOLIDAY SCHEDULE

Father's Day will be spent with Father each year from Friday at 5:00pm until Sunday at 5:00PM.

Mother's Day will be spent with Mother each year from Friday at 5:00pm until Sunday at 5:00pm.

BIRTHDAYS: Children's Birthdays; Child #1, November 7th and Child #2 June 30th, shall be alternated yearly between parents from the time school is dismissed until 8:00PM, if on weekend, child shall remain with that parent the entire weekend until Monday when school resumes. Mother to have EVEN years, Father to have ODD years. Receiving parent has the option to pick specified child up from school for their birthday.

Father shall spend his birthday, August 19th, each year with children from the time school is dismissed until 8:00PM, if on a weekend, children shall remain with father entire weekend until Sunday at 5:00pm.

Mother shall spend her birthday, February 2nd, each year with children from the time school is dismissed until 8:00PM, if on a weekend, children shall remain with mother entire weekend until Sunday at 5:00pm.

Other Visitation times determined in Holiday Schedule listed herein on page 5.





HOLIDAY SCHEDULE

Holiday Schedule to supercede Summer Vacation and Regular Visitation schedules.

Holiday         Time                        Even Years   Odd Years
                                    2006, 08, 10, 12   2007, 09, 11, 13

New Year's Day (included in Christmas Holiday – when school is out)            DAD      MOM
________________________________________
Easter / Spring Break (when school is out)                     DAD        MOM   ________________________________________
Mother's Day & Weekend                              MOM
________________________________________
Memorial Day & Weekend                           DAD      MOM
________________________________________
Father's Day & Weekend                               DAD
________________________________________
Independence Day (July 4th) (9:00AM on 4th to 9:00AM on 5th)   & Weekend         MOM      DAD
________________________________________
Children's B-Days & Weekend (Nov. 7 and June 30)                  DAD      MOM
________________________________________
Labor Day & Weekend                           MOM      DAD
________________________________________
Dad B-day & Weekend (Aug. 19)                            DAD
________________________________________
Halloween Night & Weekend                         MOM      DAD
________________________________________
Mom B-day & Weekend (Feb. 2)                            MOM
________________________________________
Thanksgiving Vacation (when school is out)                     DAD      MOM
________________________________________
Christmas Holiday / Vacation                           **  SEE BELOW  **

This Holiday time includes from the day school recesses, Christmas Eve & Day, New Year's Eve & Day, until the first day back to school.

EVEN Years – First half with Dad from school dismissal until Dec. 25 at 10:00am, pick up at Dad's residence. Second half with Mom until 5:00pm the day prior to school resuming.

ODD Years - First half with Mom from school dismissal until Dec. 25 at 10:00am, pick up at Mom's residence. Second half with Dad until school resumes.

________________________________________

Any Holiday the children are to spend with the receiving parent, which falls on a weekend described herein, they shall spend the entire weekend with that parent until 5:00pm the day before school resumes, unless otherwise stipulated.

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I can't think of anything else, right now...

I hope this wasn't too long!

SEB1670