Here is my situation...
I am a non-custodial mother (by my own choice). I chose for our daughter to be placed in the custody of her father because it what I believed to be in her best interests. You see, I'm in the Army, and with the frequency and unpredictability of deployments going at a rapid rate, I wanted her to live in a stable environment without having to jump back and forth when I have to deploy. I figured it was what was best for her.
Granted that people makes mistakes because that is only human nature. What I mean by this is the fact that during our divorce process, I ended up meeting a guy and became pregnant. But this in no way affects how much I love my daughter because I love her with all my heart. And despite the fact that her father sexually assaulted me when I was 6 1/2 months pregnant with my son, I allowed her to stay with her father because I had no place to live...I had just returned from Korea. When I was assaulted, I pretended to play like I was still sleeping because I figured it was what was best in my situation. But despite the fact that...yes I cheated on him while we were still married...I didn't deserve to be assaulted like that! I never reported it to the police because I weighed all the options out. 1) I didn't have a place to live to provide her food, clothing, and shelter because I had just gotten back to the states, 2)I wanted to honestly believe that this was a retaliation against me for what I did and that he would never do anything like this to our daughter. He knows that I know about it and told me he was just mad at me but didn't mean to hurt me in any way. He said that no matter what, I was still his wife and it is his right to have sex with his wife. NO MEANS NO no matter what the relationship. He apologized to me and begged me not to say anything because he didn't want to lose Jordan and I agreed because I believe that a child should be raised by both parents, no matter if they are together or divorced...and even if I did report him and he was in jail, I still would have allowed his family to see her because I have an obligation to make sure that she retains that relationship with her other side of the family.
Here is my problem now. I deployed in 2004...came back 2005. During that time, he finally ended up meeting someone. When I got back, I was in the process of another divorce because my second husband ended up spending all my money I earned in Iraq and left me with barely anything in my account and nothing to show for what he was spending the money on. My son was with his parents in Virginia and they received no extra money from him...only the money I was sending them on a monthly basis for taking care of my son while I was in Iraq and my son's father was in Korea. Needless to say, when I got this divorce, my daughter's father started becoming very friendly with me, asking me if I'd like to go out to dinner as sort of a "family thing" for our daughter...and I agreed. I wanted her to see that we can be civil between each other. We went on a couple of "family outings" like that...and I thought that this was going great and there truly is life after divorce. But after my second divorce was finalized, that's when I met my current boyfriend. When my 1st ex found out about him, all the niceness stopped. My boyfriend knew that we were going out on "family" basis and he thought that was good...until we started to notice some changes in my daughter's behavior.
When my boyfriend and I started dating, my ex told me that he had decided to move in with his girlfriend. Fine. Then I told him that I was transitioning to move in with my boyfriend. Ok. My daughter, who was 4 at the time, was fine with all this. My boyfriend would bring his daughter (7) over and we'd all have a great time. But then one weekend when I went to pick up my daughter, she started crying because she didn't want to come to the house. (???) In no way did my ex try and support me and told me that it's "her choice" whether or not she wanted to go or not! NO IT'S NOT! But I left it because I didn't want to upset her any more than she already was and told her that I still loved her and that I was going to miss her this weekend. This happened for a whole month. Then she started calling me by my first name instead of Mommy or Mom. I eventually had to bribe her to come over to the house by bringing my boyfriend's daughter over to her house to help persuade her to come along. Soon enough, I became label as the "mean mom" because I disciplined my daughter at my home by raising my voice (not yelling) and placing her in time-out. It was for simple little things like arguing and hitting the other kids, especially my son (who was 2 at the time), jumping/swinging on the furniture and bed, calling the kids names...simple things. I would have to explain to her constantly that my rules are different that her dad's rules and that she would have to respect the rules of the house just like the other two kids do...and she'd be ok...until the next weekend. My ex wouldn't help reinforcing the "follow the house rules" concept because he said that it was my problem and not his.
My daughter lives with her father, his girlfriend and her two sons. My daughter has told me on several occasions that [my son] is not her real brother and that her "real blood brothers" live with her at her Daddy's house. My ex has prohibited me from encouraging my daughter to call my boyfriend "Dad"...something he even told my 2nd ex HIMSELF! Yet, it's ok that my daughter called his girlfriend "mom" or "mommy"? I don't encourage my daughter to call my boyfriend "Dad", even though she asks if she has to call him that. I constantly tell her that it was her decision and that I wouldn't force her to call him "Dad" but at least call him by his first name. Yet, I can't enforce the same standard because she calls the girlfriend "Mommy". I just don't understand it. Then there's the little things like "Daddy says you talk on the phone a lot because you have a lot of boyfriends," and laughs when she says it! And the biggest on was when my mom, my daughter, my boyfriend's daughter and I were going to Wal-Mart. My daughter was on the phone with her dad when all of a sudden, she turns and says "See, my daddy said that you're the meanest girl in the world and I'm the nicest angel princess in the world." I grabbed the phone in the midst of my driving and questioned him. He stuttered his words and said that's not what he said. He said that she must have misunderstood what he said because he said that "they were the two nicest girls in the whole wide world." I don't buy it. Things between us have not been civil since which brings me up to the last straw in this life after divorce....
The summer of 06...we had a blast in the summer. My boyfriend and I took her on a trip to Hurrican Harbor, took her to a country club in Arkansas, the Dallas Zoo and Aquarium, fishing, camping...the whole 9 yards because we were scheduled for deployment in September of that year. We made the most of our time with the kids because we were going to be gone for an entire year and wanted our time to be memorable. When I took her in for my summer visitation, she had to go home for Father's Day weekend as per the divorce decree. She begged me not to make her go and that she wanted to stay. Despite her pleas and crying, I told her that it was important that she spend time with her father because it was a special day for him. After all the crying, begging and pleading, she finally agreed to go. When she came back she was happy to BE BACK WITH ME that she didn't even tell her dad goodbye when he brought her back for the rest of the summer visitation. When it was time for her to go home, she begged to stay longer and I explained to her that I can only have her for the time that the judge allowed for her to stay but that she could come visit me after her summer vacation with her dad. That was the month of June. I didn't see her for the whole month of July because my ex failed to tell me that he came home the week of my last scheduled visitation in July. August...same thing...she begged to stay one more day...two more weeks...but I would have to continuously have to explain to her that a judge makes rules that I have to follow and that if I don't I can get in trouble. She told me several times she didn't want to go home and wanted to stay with me "for a long time." Her birthday comes around and I only got to see her for 2 hours as per the divorce decree because it was on a non-visitational weekend. I took her to McDonalds and then took her home. She told her dad she was mad because I didn't have a birthday party for her but that was already in the making. Labor Day weekend, we had a surprise birthday party for all the kids (August, Sept, and Oct are their B-days) and told them that we were doing this because we would not be here for all their birthdays and wanted to make sure they had a party where we were there. All the kids were overwhelmingly happy. They got lots of gifts from both our families and my boyfriend's parents even came down from Arkansas for the event. I ended up sending my daughter home with all the toys and clothes she received and told her father that since I would not be here to see her wear the clothes, I wanted him to keep them for school clothes. That next weekend after Labor Day was my last weekend with her. Because of my job I had very little time with her so she spent most of her time with my parents. I had to work on the weekend with last minute details for deployment, but I still made the most of that time. That's where it leads me to where we are today...
Exactly ONE WEEK before we were scheduled to deploy, CPS comes to my mom's house. My boyfriend and I were living with them because we just gave up our house due to deployment and all our stuff was in storage. CPS told me that my daughter was sexually assaulted by my boyfriend...didn't give any details whatsoever. I was torn. I had to sign a Safety Plan stating that I would supervise any contact between him and my son. Then a couple of days later, CPS calls and says my boyfriend had to move out and that he is a threat to children! His lawyer suggested that he move into a friend's house who had no kids...but all our friends were gone at this point...they were all deployed! So he stayed in a hotel for a week until our money ran dry. We ended up moving my son to my brother's apt so he could come home. We still had no clue what the allegations were exactly. He was told he had to take a polygraph in which he failed because he was shocked and disgusted at the question they asked. When he came home, all he could do was puke at the thought of the questions. My ex refused to have a forensics medical exam done on my daughter and opted for the interview instead. I finally got a chance to see the tape and all I could do was cry. It was my daughter in the video but that wasn't my daughter making those accusations. The story they had just didn't add up to anything that even remotely happened during the summer, which she said the incident took place. My daughter sticks to me like glue, just like my boyfriend's daughter sticks to him like glue. When they're both at our house, both the girls stick to me like glue and want to go everywhere I go! They even stick to EACH OTHER and do everything TOGETHER...take baths, change clothes, play and argue...just like normal siblings. But to hear her say the things she said hurt me so much. How does a child go from begging and crying to stay with you longer during the summer to hating and not wanting to see you ever again? It doesn't add up.
Recently I decided to get copies of her school and medical records for my boyfriend's lawyer. I had a friend who's daughter was molested by her step-uncle. She barely passed the 1st grade because of the emotional distress so he suggested getting these records. I know I also had the same trouble when I was molested by my father. When I did get her records, I was surprised. She was receiving S(satisfactory) and S+ on her grades which is equivilent to A's, she is 1 out of 9 in all of Kindergarden that is on the Accelerated Reader's List, and she was nominated to the state's Gifted Education Program. I finally got a lawyer and she suggested writing a letter to notify him of my intent to exercise visitation away from my current home in a "safe house". I did this with no response to my letter from her father. When I got to the house, I was greeted by a re from the Sherriff's Department who served me papers of a Temporary Restraining Order and Citation to Modify Custody. Now he is seeking Full Custody with supervised visitation. A simple "no" from him would have sufficed because I understand the whole bit about my boyfriend having to go to court over this issue. But I wish he just understood that my intentions were not to interrogate her about what happened. I don't want to distress her with that. All I wanted to do was let her know that I still love her, I miss her terribly, and that I'm not mad at her for the things she said.
Can anyone please offer me any advice? What should I do? I'm just in a really sticky situation and all that we're concerned with is her welfare because we believe he is trying to alienate her from me and we have more than enough evidence to prove it.
I am a non-custodial mother (by my own choice). I chose for our daughter to be placed in the custody of her father because it what I believed to be in her best interests. You see, I'm in the Army, and with the frequency and unpredictability of deployments going at a rapid rate, I wanted her to live in a stable environment without having to jump back and forth when I have to deploy. I figured it was what was best for her.
Granted that people makes mistakes because that is only human nature. What I mean by this is the fact that during our divorce process, I ended up meeting a guy and became pregnant. But this in no way affects how much I love my daughter because I love her with all my heart. And despite the fact that her father sexually assaulted me when I was 6 1/2 months pregnant with my son, I allowed her to stay with her father because I had no place to live...I had just returned from Korea. When I was assaulted, I pretended to play like I was still sleeping because I figured it was what was best in my situation. But despite the fact that...yes I cheated on him while we were still married...I didn't deserve to be assaulted like that! I never reported it to the police because I weighed all the options out. 1) I didn't have a place to live to provide her food, clothing, and shelter because I had just gotten back to the states, 2)I wanted to honestly believe that this was a retaliation against me for what I did and that he would never do anything like this to our daughter. He knows that I know about it and told me he was just mad at me but didn't mean to hurt me in any way. He said that no matter what, I was still his wife and it is his right to have sex with his wife. NO MEANS NO no matter what the relationship. He apologized to me and begged me not to say anything because he didn't want to lose Jordan and I agreed because I believe that a child should be raised by both parents, no matter if they are together or divorced...and even if I did report him and he was in jail, I still would have allowed his family to see her because I have an obligation to make sure that she retains that relationship with her other side of the family.
Here is my problem now. I deployed in 2004...came back 2005. During that time, he finally ended up meeting someone. When I got back, I was in the process of another divorce because my second husband ended up spending all my money I earned in Iraq and left me with barely anything in my account and nothing to show for what he was spending the money on. My son was with his parents in Virginia and they received no extra money from him...only the money I was sending them on a monthly basis for taking care of my son while I was in Iraq and my son's father was in Korea. Needless to say, when I got this divorce, my daughter's father started becoming very friendly with me, asking me if I'd like to go out to dinner as sort of a "family thing" for our daughter...and I agreed. I wanted her to see that we can be civil between each other. We went on a couple of "family outings" like that...and I thought that this was going great and there truly is life after divorce. But after my second divorce was finalized, that's when I met my current boyfriend. When my 1st ex found out about him, all the niceness stopped. My boyfriend knew that we were going out on "family" basis and he thought that was good...until we started to notice some changes in my daughter's behavior.
When my boyfriend and I started dating, my ex told me that he had decided to move in with his girlfriend. Fine. Then I told him that I was transitioning to move in with my boyfriend. Ok. My daughter, who was 4 at the time, was fine with all this. My boyfriend would bring his daughter (7) over and we'd all have a great time. But then one weekend when I went to pick up my daughter, she started crying because she didn't want to come to the house. (???) In no way did my ex try and support me and told me that it's "her choice" whether or not she wanted to go or not! NO IT'S NOT! But I left it because I didn't want to upset her any more than she already was and told her that I still loved her and that I was going to miss her this weekend. This happened for a whole month. Then she started calling me by my first name instead of Mommy or Mom. I eventually had to bribe her to come over to the house by bringing my boyfriend's daughter over to her house to help persuade her to come along. Soon enough, I became label as the "mean mom" because I disciplined my daughter at my home by raising my voice (not yelling) and placing her in time-out. It was for simple little things like arguing and hitting the other kids, especially my son (who was 2 at the time), jumping/swinging on the furniture and bed, calling the kids names...simple things. I would have to explain to her constantly that my rules are different that her dad's rules and that she would have to respect the rules of the house just like the other two kids do...and she'd be ok...until the next weekend. My ex wouldn't help reinforcing the "follow the house rules" concept because he said that it was my problem and not his.
My daughter lives with her father, his girlfriend and her two sons. My daughter has told me on several occasions that [my son] is not her real brother and that her "real blood brothers" live with her at her Daddy's house. My ex has prohibited me from encouraging my daughter to call my boyfriend "Dad"...something he even told my 2nd ex HIMSELF! Yet, it's ok that my daughter called his girlfriend "mom" or "mommy"? I don't encourage my daughter to call my boyfriend "Dad", even though she asks if she has to call him that. I constantly tell her that it was her decision and that I wouldn't force her to call him "Dad" but at least call him by his first name. Yet, I can't enforce the same standard because she calls the girlfriend "Mommy". I just don't understand it. Then there's the little things like "Daddy says you talk on the phone a lot because you have a lot of boyfriends," and laughs when she says it! And the biggest on was when my mom, my daughter, my boyfriend's daughter and I were going to Wal-Mart. My daughter was on the phone with her dad when all of a sudden, she turns and says "See, my daddy said that you're the meanest girl in the world and I'm the nicest angel princess in the world." I grabbed the phone in the midst of my driving and questioned him. He stuttered his words and said that's not what he said. He said that she must have misunderstood what he said because he said that "they were the two nicest girls in the whole wide world." I don't buy it. Things between us have not been civil since which brings me up to the last straw in this life after divorce....
The summer of 06...we had a blast in the summer. My boyfriend and I took her on a trip to Hurrican Harbor, took her to a country club in Arkansas, the Dallas Zoo and Aquarium, fishing, camping...the whole 9 yards because we were scheduled for deployment in September of that year. We made the most of our time with the kids because we were going to be gone for an entire year and wanted our time to be memorable. When I took her in for my summer visitation, she had to go home for Father's Day weekend as per the divorce decree. She begged me not to make her go and that she wanted to stay. Despite her pleas and crying, I told her that it was important that she spend time with her father because it was a special day for him. After all the crying, begging and pleading, she finally agreed to go. When she came back she was happy to BE BACK WITH ME that she didn't even tell her dad goodbye when he brought her back for the rest of the summer visitation. When it was time for her to go home, she begged to stay longer and I explained to her that I can only have her for the time that the judge allowed for her to stay but that she could come visit me after her summer vacation with her dad. That was the month of June. I didn't see her for the whole month of July because my ex failed to tell me that he came home the week of my last scheduled visitation in July. August...same thing...she begged to stay one more day...two more weeks...but I would have to continuously have to explain to her that a judge makes rules that I have to follow and that if I don't I can get in trouble. She told me several times she didn't want to go home and wanted to stay with me "for a long time." Her birthday comes around and I only got to see her for 2 hours as per the divorce decree because it was on a non-visitational weekend. I took her to McDonalds and then took her home. She told her dad she was mad because I didn't have a birthday party for her but that was already in the making. Labor Day weekend, we had a surprise birthday party for all the kids (August, Sept, and Oct are their B-days) and told them that we were doing this because we would not be here for all their birthdays and wanted to make sure they had a party where we were there. All the kids were overwhelmingly happy. They got lots of gifts from both our families and my boyfriend's parents even came down from Arkansas for the event. I ended up sending my daughter home with all the toys and clothes she received and told her father that since I would not be here to see her wear the clothes, I wanted him to keep them for school clothes. That next weekend after Labor Day was my last weekend with her. Because of my job I had very little time with her so she spent most of her time with my parents. I had to work on the weekend with last minute details for deployment, but I still made the most of that time. That's where it leads me to where we are today...
Exactly ONE WEEK before we were scheduled to deploy, CPS comes to my mom's house. My boyfriend and I were living with them because we just gave up our house due to deployment and all our stuff was in storage. CPS told me that my daughter was sexually assaulted by my boyfriend...didn't give any details whatsoever. I was torn. I had to sign a Safety Plan stating that I would supervise any contact between him and my son. Then a couple of days later, CPS calls and says my boyfriend had to move out and that he is a threat to children! His lawyer suggested that he move into a friend's house who had no kids...but all our friends were gone at this point...they were all deployed! So he stayed in a hotel for a week until our money ran dry. We ended up moving my son to my brother's apt so he could come home. We still had no clue what the allegations were exactly. He was told he had to take a polygraph in which he failed because he was shocked and disgusted at the question they asked. When he came home, all he could do was puke at the thought of the questions. My ex refused to have a forensics medical exam done on my daughter and opted for the interview instead. I finally got a chance to see the tape and all I could do was cry. It was my daughter in the video but that wasn't my daughter making those accusations. The story they had just didn't add up to anything that even remotely happened during the summer, which she said the incident took place. My daughter sticks to me like glue, just like my boyfriend's daughter sticks to him like glue. When they're both at our house, both the girls stick to me like glue and want to go everywhere I go! They even stick to EACH OTHER and do everything TOGETHER...take baths, change clothes, play and argue...just like normal siblings. But to hear her say the things she said hurt me so much. How does a child go from begging and crying to stay with you longer during the summer to hating and not wanting to see you ever again? It doesn't add up.
Recently I decided to get copies of her school and medical records for my boyfriend's lawyer. I had a friend who's daughter was molested by her step-uncle. She barely passed the 1st grade because of the emotional distress so he suggested getting these records. I know I also had the same trouble when I was molested by my father. When I did get her records, I was surprised. She was receiving S(satisfactory) and S+ on her grades which is equivilent to A's, she is 1 out of 9 in all of Kindergarden that is on the Accelerated Reader's List, and she was nominated to the state's Gifted Education Program. I finally got a lawyer and she suggested writing a letter to notify him of my intent to exercise visitation away from my current home in a "safe house". I did this with no response to my letter from her father. When I got to the house, I was greeted by a re from the Sherriff's Department who served me papers of a Temporary Restraining Order and Citation to Modify Custody. Now he is seeking Full Custody with supervised visitation. A simple "no" from him would have sufficed because I understand the whole bit about my boyfriend having to go to court over this issue. But I wish he just understood that my intentions were not to interrogate her about what happened. I don't want to distress her with that. All I wanted to do was let her know that I still love her, I miss her terribly, and that I'm not mad at her for the things she said.
Can anyone please offer me any advice? What should I do? I'm just in a really sticky situation and all that we're concerned with is her welfare because we believe he is trying to alienate her from me and we have more than enough evidence to prove it.