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Topics - stressedstepmom

#1
Second Families / How do we handle this??
Jun 22, 2005, 01:02:49 PM
Have 2 SS ages 14 and 13. 14 yr old just informed me that he is getting his lip pierced on friday. He also informed me of some weird new thing he did with his hair consisting of shaving some parts and different colors. The hair doesn't really bother me, last year 13 yr old showed up with a mohawk and we solved that real fast by introducing him to a hat.

BM is apparently signing a consent form for 14 yr old to have his lip done, that is the part that we are frantic over. She has not contacted DH at all about this matter. In fact from what SS says, it was up to him to tell his father, so he told him on the online messanger when he knew his father was nowhere around. When he was talking to me today I informed him that his dad had no clue about any of this, and SS finds the whole thing amusing. When I gave him my opinion, he did ask for it, he got defensive and said that he was only trying to express himself.

 I have researched NY state law and can only find that any body piercing done on someone under 18 other than the ears (which they both had done at ages 11 and 12 top and bottom of ear!!) needs to have parental consent. This just doesn't seem right.

I know someone will ask what is in their divorce degree. That is so old, it  is the original and from when the boys were 2 and 3. It covers nothing about who can do what, only thing medical in there is that DH has to provide all insurance and that any leftovers is to be split 50/50. So basically this is going to mean that DH is screwed I am sure and that 14 yr old SS is now going to have a hole in his lip, might get hepatitis or a bad infection, will possibly damage a nerve and loose feeling in that area of his face. But as long as he is allowed to express himself...

If we can't stop this then I guess we will just have to have a band-aid rule in effect all summer. I do not want our 11 and 8 yr old sons thinking that is so cool and wanting that done.  We have no problems with piercings, tattoos, hair styles/colors but we do feel that as parents we need to establish some boundaries and have some realistic rules about those things.

I guess I really don't have any questions, but I would love anyones input about how they would deal with this.  Every time we turn around it is something else with this woman!!
#2
I talked to my mother first chance I got today about the ongoing problems with PBFH. As always she made me feel a lot better and put things in perspective for me. Turned off my phones and took a nap. When I woke up I had this email from my mother with her telling me I am her Coffee Bean. Made me emotional as hell (horomones again hehe) and I wanted to share it with all of you who are going through hard times also.

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee .....

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her.  She didn't know how she was going to make it,   It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. She was tired of fighting and struggling and wanted to give up.  

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soonthe pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.  Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft.  The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.  After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.  Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee.  The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked,   "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each object had faced the same adversity ... boiling water.  Each reacted differently.  The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.  The ground coffee beans were unique, however.  After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?  Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"  Think of this: Which am I?  Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?  Did I have a fluid spirit,  but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened  heart?  Or am I like the coffee bean?  The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor.  If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.  When the hour is the darkest and trials are  their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?  Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?
#3
I can't take the crap with PBFH anymore. When is enough, enough?? YSS just got mad at his younger brother over silly stuff and was throwing a tantrum, so I said either knock it off or go to bed. So he chose bed, but before that he had to mouth off at me of course. So I went in the room and asked him why he was being that way (always letting little stuff erupt into big things) and he said he wanted to go home. So I said he would feel better in the moring after he slept it off.  He then goes into this big production that he wants to go home all because his younger brother touched his hand. I replied that that was the last thing his father needed to hear when he gets home in the morning (DH is on overnight shifts) and that it would hurt DHs feelings really bad. He said he didnt care because he had something on his dad. So of course I asked him what he was talking about. This is where I get really pissed off. YSS said he heard his mom talking to her lawyer in January (she doesn't have a lawyer) that DH asked her for a blow job and she said no and DH got really pissed off and left and that she was afraid to let the boys come here this summer over this. I got really upset and said "She told you that?!?!" and he said that he overheard it but that she saw him and made him promise not to tell anyone. He also said that his whole family says the same thing. I explained to him that I doubted any of it actually happened and that the off chance that it did that he didn't "have something" on his dad. But they are all obviously talking about these things in front of a 12 and 13 yr old.
So I told him to go to sleep and I went in the living room and called DH at work. DH said it wasn't true but he was upset by it. I responded that I was calling the bitch tomorrow and confronting her with it. I think that is my right. We have been married 10 years and I am 4 months pregnant and I am not going  to just let this slide. DH got really upset and said that I can't do that that it will only make matters worse for him. I feel that he just lets her walk all over him and that he isn't actually fighting like he should and he acts like I am being impossible and not taking his feelings into consideration. This hurts me so bad the whole situation.  It puts doubts in my head about my husband, it pisses me off that I am supposed to ignore it, it pisses me off that my 12 yr old SS told me this. I don't want to threaten her or anything I just want answers. I finally got upset with DH and told him that I will just stay out of it all. No more research or calling lawyers and therapists. He complains that everyone gets mad at him for what he does or doesn't do and he is tired of me telling him bad things that any of the kids do or problems that I have with them. Sorry is this is all scrambled together I am so emotional right now.  I just dont know what to do.
#4
Visitation Issues / Tired of the head games
Jul 18, 2006, 10:10:11 PM
Quick background for what we are going through THIS summer. SS's (age 15 & 14) are here for the summer. BM called DH before school was out in tears because she couldn't control the boys anymore. She wanted them picked up the day school was out and she wanted us to have them all summer. We couldn't make it there that weekend so she took them to DH's parents for a week.
As soon as we got them to our house she started her bs head games. She really only talks to the oldest boy. He seemed miserable because he misses his friends, so DH said that he understood and that SS could stay home when we go there this week for a family event. All of a sudden it turns into BM needs to "save him from his father" and she has been nonstop everyday all day.
Now she is texting both boys and saying that in NY the law states that once you are 14 you can stop visitation all together. I have researched NY laws and can't find anything like what she is saying.
BM lives with her parents and it is a very unstable household for many different reasons.
Youngest SS is staying for the rest of the summer, but she is nonstop telling him that if he wants to come home early we have to let him.
I will gladly accept any advice or insight that anyone has to offer. For now we have put up their cell phones and are making an appointment with the lawyer we keep in NY.
It just seems that everytime we open a door of communication with the BM she slams it shut and does a complete turnaround for no reason.
#5
We got the boys on Sunday morning, left to come home with them Sunday evening. At first OSS was moody, but nothing major (he is 13 after all). YSS who is 12 was having fun from the moment he arrived. The problem I am having is that BM sent a cell phone with OSS. Communication has never been a problem on our end, BM is the one who always avoids DHs phone calls. The cell phone wouldn't be a big deal, but BM called twice in the first 2 hours we had the boys and OSS called her a couple of times.  So DH and I decided once we got home we would have a talk with OSS about the phone and tell him that we don't mind it but we also aren't going to allow it to be abused. This is DHs time after all, and if the tables were turned and we were calling every hour then she would come after us for harrasment. Once we got home though we never had a problem so we decided not to talk to OSS about it. He just leaves the phone lying around and turned off. Then I noticed that he would turn it on and see if he had any messages but if anyone was around he wouldn't check his messages. I figured that BM was using OSS to gather information for our upcoming court date (although I have no idea what information it could actually be). So of course I had to get nosey (and I felt really bad about it but I felt we had to know). When everyone went out earlier I turned his phone on and checked his messages.  There were 4 messages (this is only their 4th day with us). The first message though made my blood boil and now I don't know what to do. She is reciting a poem to the boys and then she starts crying. She tells them all kinds of things like don't forget me, I don't know how I will make it 6 weeks without you, I hate you being there, I am so scared for you, I am sorry you had to go (she took DH to court to try and stop visitation with no reason to do so) and she just goes on and on crying the whole time of course. The other messages are similar but not as bad. Just her sounding extremely sad and worried that my DH is going to hurt them or something.  These boys have been spending summer visitation with their father for 7 years now, so this is nothing new for her. But I am so pissed off, everything could be going great and then what if OSS checks his messages and then starts feeling guilty for having a good time? Geez no wonder the boy is moody! Has anyone else dealt with this before or does anyone have any suggestions for what I should do?  My first thought was to take the phone straight to the post office and send it to her and tell her to knock her crap off, but I know that will only make it worse.
#6
As I posted in my other thread (visitation and CPS counseling) DH had to be in court 8 July. On Tuesday he called CPS and they agreed that the boys could have counseling in VA while with their father for the summer. In fact they encouraged it. We got to NY on Wednesday and DH talked to lawyer. He had previous court appearances and couldn't be there for DH so he reffered us to someone else. Well Mr. Someone Else wanted a $1000 retainer fee so DH said no thanks. (Lawyer was also acting like DH shouldn't expect anything to go his way and seemed very negative) After being depressed all day Wednesday over the fact that DH was alone in this all of a sudden, my wonderful father-in-law called out of the blue and said to call DH's sis and find out who her lawyer was a few years ago. Did that and this guy was awesome!! Plus he only cost $300 :)
DH goes to court and him and ex go in to speak with the judge's assistant. Ex tries to take  her father in with her but was told no right away. She didn't have a lawyer as we figured she wouldn't. So the assistant starts asking questions about what is going on and she is throwing all kinds of things out. She starts with the counseling which DH's lawyer says CPS said VA was ok. So assistant says ok thats settled what's next? She throws everything out from sleeping arrangements to food to anything you can imagine. For everything that she threw out DH and his lawyer had an answer or solution. Finally the assistant says something about these being the kinds of cases he loves, where both parents want what is best for the children and its all solved. He is ready to send everyone home and grant DH his summer visitation. She speaks up and says that she  isn't happy so he tells her that the only thing left to do is take it to trial and he tells her that she doesn't have a case. She doesn't care. So he tells her that since she is being that way that not only does DH get the boys for the 6 weeks (which starts Sunday) that the court isn't backing the counseling anymore and that it will just have to start when he returns them at the end of August. (Which we are still putting them in counseling, we feel they truly do need it) If she had agreed before then the court would have said the boys had to be in counseling by a certain date or  DH would have to return them to BM. So the assistant starts doing the paperwork for the trial date and he looks at her and ask what her reason is since DH is getting visitation this summer. Her reply is to stop visitation for next summer (?!?! This woman is a whack job I tell ya!) He just shook his head and gave her a date that is 2 days after DH brings boys back. He then told her that she would need a lawyer and tried to discourage her again but she said that she couldn't just sit and do nothing.
So finally!! About damn time!! She came across as the PBFH that she is! She is trying to stop next summers visitation for no reason at all. OH lol this is funny, she said our place was too small and she didn't want DH to get summer visitation for that either. So DH said we would get a bigger place, and she asked if it would be by Sunday, which DH said ummm no, and she stated well I don't want him to have them until then.  This coming from a woman who has lived in her parents basement for 11 years!!
So hopefully everything goes smoothly on Sunday and she isn't stupid enough to not have the boys there. Then back to VA we go, where I plan to document! document! document!
#7
Grr I am so stressed I have written at least 4 different post and then deleted them and started over :) I don't know how much history to put into this and kept writing novels. So I will give it one more go and try and be short. If any history is wanted then just ask and I will comply.
DH is active duty military and has always lived far from his 2 boys, but always saw them at least once a yr usually for summer vacations. We just recently moved a lot closer (7 hours which is still far but a lot better than 24 hours and more) BM is PBFH and has always been very minipulating. ss's were here for their spring break and had a blast. About a month after they returned home BM sent DH an email saying that he was a lousy father and that oss was all messed up from the spring break visit. She said that he had resorted to physically hurting himself but she had promised not to tell what he was doing.
We immeadiately went to their state and dh went to their school and talked to his principal. Dh also called cps who also went to the school. CPS decided to do a full investigation and went to talk to BM. She had to show cps the email she sent dh. We had proof that no medical attention had been sought for oss because we provide the insurance and they said they hadnt received any bills.CPS ordered BM to take oss to hospital immeadiately for evaluation and they released him into her care. CPS also said that she had to get oss into counselling.  Also in her nasty email to dh BM stated that boys were old enough to chose not to have summer visitation.  BMs email was followed by a nasty email from oss that really made no sense but echoed his mothers email a lot.
We have a lawyer and he has copies of all emails and any other letters or things important to the case.  Lawyer sent BM certified letter of dates dh was to pick up boys for summer visitation. Bm sent letter back stating that dh had the boys one week in Jan and 2 weeks in April that werent in the decree so she wanted his summer visitation to be minus those days. Lawyer said she had no legal backing and advised dh to send her a letter telling her its those dates or court.
Today we received receipt that Bm had gotten certified letter from dh. We also got notice to appear in court on 21 July that BM was petitioning dh to stop out of state visitation. Then there was also another letter from court house saying date had been changed to 8 July.  
Here is where the help or advice is needed. Bm is saying that because of dhs  mental state and the mental anquish he has caused ss's that cps had to get involved and that they said ss's had to go to mandatory counselling which she says starts 14 July. She is making it sound like cps got involved against dh when in fact they are investigating her for child neglect. And she goes on and on in her petition about dhs mental state, I have no idea what she is talking about. The only thing I can possibly think of is that when they got divorced 11 yrs ago was that the military put him in in a rehab program while everything was going on. But that doesnt make any sense that she would be using that. DH is a very stable person. She also states that dh is going against cps orders of counselling and attempting to take ss's out of the state. This is the first time we have heard any dates for the counselling all we knew prior was that they had to have it. Her whole petition is full of lies and it seems that she is hell bent on having his visitation stopped. Also in her nasty email to dh she said that she would only allow him to have visitation in her state, even though co says otherwise.  We have a lawyer like I stated above, but are just at a loss. Won't be able to talk to lawyer until at least Monday, and will be in that state on Tuesday.  I don't really have any questions, just need to vent I guess and any advice would be really appreciated.