Messages

Soc:
Ex and I split over 3 yrs ago; NC was marital home; I moved across state line to SC. Left the kids w/ Ex in NC. No court ever addressed custody. This Oct. kids tell me they want to live with me because of Ex's partying, drugs, etc.. I get an EPO in NC Ct and then at the 10 day hrg, I get Temporary Custody, w/ Ex getting visitation every Saturday from 9-6. Under the Temp Order, I have to continue transporting kids to NC schools, which is approximately 500 miles/week.

My lawyer is trying to settle custody w/o it going to trial and has asked me to sign a Custody Agreement for entry as a Consent Order. Ex has agreed to give me physical custody, but she wants joint legal. Ex also wants youngest daughter to stay in NC school, but says it's ok for eldest to move to SC school in January.

The Agreement does not define "joint legal custody." When I originally went to my lawyer, he said that if the kids went back to her I would want joint legal, but that if they stayed w/ me, I wouldn't want joint legal. Now, he won't tell me why he said that then but isn't sticking to it now.

Next, the Agreement does not address how long the Ex thinks the youngest should go to NC schools.

The Ex also will not come to pick up the kids for visitation - wants us to meet 1/2 way. When the shoe was on the other foot, I was solely responsible for picking up and dropping off.

Ex refuses to agree in Agreement to allow SC assume jurisdiction over the case after this Order is entered. She lives in NC, but works in SC; the kids are residents of SC, their doctors will be in SC, etc...

We're going to Ct on Monday - in theory to sign the Agreement and have it entered as a Consent Order. I'm worried - a lot.  

My questions:

1.   I'm terrified of joint legal because Ex and I can't agree on what day of the week it is. My lawyer keeps saying joint legal doesn't mean anything, but from what I've read in NC case law, it means Ex gets decision making authority along with me. Should I agree to joint legal WITHOUT it being specified that in the event that we can't agree, I have final authority?

2.  Taking the youngest to NC school is cost prohibitive, is going to ruin my business, ruin me financially, and it violates NC statutory and case law because she's no longer domiciled in NC, etc.. My lawyer doesn't think I should fight this issue. What do you think?

3.  On the meeting 1/2 way for visitation drop offs/pick ups, what's going to be my best argument against it. Again, my lawyer is saying don't rock the boat.

4.  What can I do about the jurisdiction issue? If I try to have SC take jurisdiction, and she fights it, what do you think will happen? Again, my lawyer is saying don't rock the boat.

5.  Is it time to find another lawyer?

Thanks again.

Both schools have already said the kids can't attend since they don't live in NC now; the schools won't/can't change kids address to my SC address - the computer system doesn't even allow it.

Thanks again; I'll see if I can get a mod to the temp order.

The judge ordered it knowing I lived just over the state line in SC; I do not know if she realized it would mean driving 500 miles/wk.

Soc:
The kids lived w/ my XW in NC, about 15 minutes from where I live in SC. NC was the marital residence. We separated 3 years ago, and the kids stayed with her. Because of my XW's partying, the kids told me they wanted to live with me. The oldest is 14 and will be 15 in March; the youngest will be 11 in a month. And frankly, the schools they will be going to are better and safer than the schools they're in. And honestly, not taking 3 hours out of a work day, not putting 18,000 miles/yr on my car, and not spending $80/wk for gas would be a blessing.

Should I go ahead and hire a SC lawyer to seek permanent custody or let this drag out in the NC court system? BTW, I have hired a SC social worker (under lawyer's advice) to do a home study. It just seems like it will be such a nightmare if I have to keep going to a NC Court for everything when they are SC residents now.  

Also, as to child support, I was under a voluntary support agreement. Since I've had the kids since mid-October, I did not pay November's CS. Is a hearing necessary to get it cancelled or can I just go to CS Services and show them the custody order? If so, I'd rather spend that $1,500 on a permanent custody order and not on my lawyer getting child support cancelled.

Thanks again Soc.

Socrates,
I was granted a North Carolina Temporary Custody at the 10 day hearing on the EPO. Since it's a temporary order, I realize I need a permanent order. When will the SC courts exercise jurisdiction over custody? My lawyer wants to wait at least 2 months before filing for permanent custody. At that point, the kids would have been living in SC for 3 months.

Also, as things stand now, we are required to keep taking them to NC schools, which means 500 miles a week and a minimum of 3 hours travel time per day. The 14 year old is begging me to put her in the local high school and the 10 year old is beginning to like the idea. What's the best way to get them into SC schools.

Thanks a lot.

Soc:
I ended up getting an EPO giving me temp. custody of my kids. We go to Ct tomorrow, in front of a female judge in NC.  

As it turns out, BM has a friend that's a convicted cocaine felon living in the house while he's on house arrest. She has had both of my kids mix her cocktails. She has had parties at the house until all hours of the night. The kids have locked themselves in their rooms because of the strange people in the house. My oldest isn't allowed to hang out with one of her friends because her friend's mother knows the BM's reputation of using drugs. The BM told the kids to never tell me what goes on in her house. The BM interrogates the kids after I see them or talk to them. She has money to party but not to buy the kids clothes. The oldest thinks BM's dealing drugs. That's just the tip of the iceberg.

I may be misunderstanding my lawyer, but I think he said that they will have to go back to BM unless I can prove that the girls are being sexually or physically absued or the BM is about to leave the state with the kids. Please tell me I've misunderstood something??? Would a judge really send the kids back to live in those conditions?

Thanks Soc.

Soc:
I posted a few days ago about not having any court ordered custody agreement or written agreement w/ my XW for my 2 kids.

A little of the backstory:
I've been sober for over 4 yrs; my fiance doesn't drink. My XW is now engaged and living w/ someone who was sober for about 5 yrs, but who has been drinking and using again for the last 3 years (since they've been together). My XW always drank, but always drank more when I was drinking.

I've had the 10 yr old EOW. Last night, I asked 10 yr old what she and her Mom and BF do at night, on weekends, etc. . . - just making conversation. She starts crying saying all her Mom and BF ever do is drink, go out, and fight. When they are home, they ignore her - Mom's on the computer and BF is watching TV, so she's in her room doing homework or reading a book. Mom or BF may fix dinner 2 or 3 nights a week; otherwise, she fixes herself a Hot Pocket for dinner.

She said she wants to come live with us because she can't take their drinking, fighting, going out, etc... She is very upset about the way she lives.

Here, we have dinner as a family and my fiance and I do not go out. I go to a couple of AA meetings a week and have a Board meeting once a month; my fiance never goes out at night. We may go out to dinner twice a year. We don't do anything spectacular with the 10 yr old - excitement consists of making a cake or all of us eating sherbert out of the container.

She has very valid reasons for wanting to live with us; and I hate the thought of her being subjected to that horrible environment. The 14 yr old will not want to come here because she doesn't have rules at her Mom's but here she will. The 10yr old knows about the rules, how strict we are, and she still wants to be with us.

She's afraid to tell her Mom that she wants to live here - and w/ good reason. She will NOT react well to this, so I don't think calling Mom and saying "10yr old wants to live with me" would do anything but make her verbally attack 10yr old.

I have to take her back home tonight and I get her again next Friday. What's the quickest legal way to get her out of that environment? Or do I not have a snowball's chance in @#$$ of getting custody?

Thanks

Soc:
Thanks again; will start the proceedings ASAP. It would be so much easier if she could just be reasonable.

>Everyone plays guitar. Not every one is Eddie Van Halen or
>Larry Carlton. Similarly, everyone thinks that they know the
>law. However, most lawyers don't know the law outside of their
>specialty...and hey, we're about to appoint a U.S. Supreme
>Court Justice who probably couldn't find the law if it sat on
>her face.
I have similar concerns myself. But hey, we're supposed to trust Dubya and his assertion that she'll be an outstanding Justice and hey, after all, she is a very religious woman (that's so important when one is nominating a person for a lifetime position to the highest court in the land) I don't think he should be using this to garner support for his nomination since her religious beliefs have nothing to do w/ how she'll apply the law, or shouldn't. Guess we better hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Can you tell this is one of my hot buttons?

 Let your ex believe whatever she wants to believe.
>After the case is filed, your ex will discover that she needs
>to practice a little more before she starts advising you as to
>your legal rights.

I'm in a business where everyone thinks they know what should be done and how it should be done and my reaction is probably similar to a lawyer's - I have to actually take classes and pass a state test to be able to do this, but OK, you know better than I.

Regards.

Soc:

Would a judge likely find my request that the kids travel with us and participate in my wedding reasonable? The kids want to go. And they are participating in their mother's wedding, which occurs the day before we leave for the Bahamas - if they don't go w/ us, they will spend that week w/ my XW's parents while XW is on her honeymoon. Any suggestions on the best way to present the request to the court?

Until I obtain a NC court order re:custody and parenting time, do you have any suggestions on how to deal w/ XW's assertions of being able to determine when/if I get to the see the kids? I imagine if I tell her that I am entitled to equal physical and legal custody of the kids until there is a court order she will deny that to be the case, but I would like to disabuse her of this notion. She briefly worked as a receptionist for a lawyer so she purports to "know what the law is" and proceeds to tell me what my rights are.

Thanks.

Soc:

I'm NCP, living in SC. CP lives in NC, right over the state line, w/ our 2 kids, DD14 and DD10. NC was martial residence. We separted in 2002; I left marital home and kids w/ her.

In 2003, I met w/ NC CSE and agreed upon my monthly child support obligation. A CS order was entered.

In 2004, XW filed for divorce in NC. In the Complaint for divorce, she alleged that there were 2 children born of the marriage, A born on .. and B born on . .  and that there were no pending claims for ED, alimony, CS, or custody. XW's lawyer also asked to be allowed to w/draw as counsel. In Affidavit in support of the Complaint, again it was alleged that 2 kids were born of the marriage. XW's lawyer limited her representation to the divorce alone.

Upon my lawyer's advice, I did not file an Answer.

The divorce was final in May 2004. In the Judgment, the Findings of Fact recite that there were 2 kids born of the marriage and that there weren't any pending claims re: custody, CS, etc... The Judgment grants dissolution. Nothing in the Judgment addresses custody, other than what I've written above.

At no time have my XW and I executed any written agreement re: custody, and as indicated above, the court's never addressed custody.

My XW insists that she has sole legal and physical custody.

I requested that our 2 kids be allowed to come to a Bahamian Island w/ my fiance, her Mom, sister, and brother, and me to attend our wedding next summer, all expenses to be paid by us. We will be gone for 1 week. Initially she refused to allow this because she didn't feel comfortable that "her children" would be around my fiance's family and didn't want them to be left alone. Please note, there is no reason for concern whatsover and she doesn't object to the kids being around my fiance's family any other time.

I then assured her that the kids would not be left alone except for when we all go to bed at night, as is typical in every household if the kids aren't sleeping in the room with their parents. She continues to insist that she doesn't want them to go because she doesn't want them to be left alone. Frankly, I call b.s on her reasoning, but I have not told her that.

She has repeatedly brought up her status as sole custodian and that I will see the kids when and if she lets me and that all decisions re: the kids belong to her. In other words, I have no rights whatsoever. I have her claims and excuses in writing.

Does she in fact have sole legal and physical custody?

What should I do to be able to have our children, who will then be 15 and 11, attend my wedding next year?

Thanks.