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Of course you are angry. But it's a very difficult situation - been there, done that. One thing to remember is that the kids are still too young to consider that their mother might be manipulating them - they can't really question the primary caregiver's motivations until they are 11/12. Things might be different then - I would think that DSDs motivation for staying is very real - son might be sad.

It is true that it's hard to take a week off summer school. I would say that the best you could hope for is a make up week later on, and no family trip with them.

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DH and BM divorced in 1998. The divorce was granted in Louisiana by default, based on them living apart for 6 months - BM had been served in 1997 but didn't respond, so the judge signed off on it. It was a very basic one page thing that just dissolved the marriage but didn't settle any property/debt issues (didn't leave them open either). Brief mention of custody and visitation.

BM then filed for a CS order and visitation was decided more explicitly at that time (1999). That first CS/visitation order also includes the phrase "BM reserves the right to ask for spousal support at a later date."

So now the question is - what does spousal support mean? Would that be alimony? Or would that include part of DH's military pension (they were married a grand 9 years)?

We know BM thinks it should include the retirement pay, but it was always my understanding that retirement is a property issue, not a spousal support issue. Anyway, BM is in jail and will be for another 8-10 years, so she won't be able to address this any time soon (and by the time she can, she will DEFINITELY be impoverished). I was just wondering what your take on that wording would be.

This case takes place in Louisiana and all parties reside here. in 2001 BM tried to kill my two minor stepchildren, then ages 10 (SD) and 12 (SS). BM pleaded guilty to attempted manslaughter and received 15 yrs for each count, served concurrently, in a separate county from ours.

Through CPS, DH and I both received legal and physical custody of both children. Fast forward to last year - BM still in jail, minimal contact by letter between BM and the kids for about 4.5 years. My stepdaughter (15) asked me to adopt her and so I hired a lawyer to make that happen (I adopted SS too but since he's 17 it was a notarial adoption).

We asked BM to terminate her rights voluntarily, which initially she refused to do, even tho the kids also asked her to let them go. After about 6 months of exchanges with her which were not productive, we began termination proceedings in family court based on a law here that says trying to kill your own children is grounds for involuntary termination.

The law also provides that a defendant who is impoverished can request the court appoint a lawyer to fight termination, which BM did (and provided the paperwork to show she has very little money in the commissary or wahtever jail acct she has). The lawyer fussed and hassled, got BM to sign the termination agreement and then held on to it for a few months while she (the lawyer) called for many more hearings on the matter, challenging everything from the grounds for termination to the original custody settlement. Eventually she handed the signed termination over after I made some concessions in order to get it, like agreeing to send photos and updates to BM. Fine. Whatever.

Now the court appointed lawyer wants me to pay her fees, which are far higher than even my own lawyer's fees. We have a hearing Sept 6. My lawyer wants me present to give a kind of sob story as to the burden we have had to bear all these years as BM hasn't provided ANY support at all and we've been raising two very emotionally damaged kids, and that this is further taking food out of the kids' mouths (true, since we didn't exactly budget for a second lawyer). The question is:

1. How would you go about arguing that you (if you were me) should not be made responsible for the fees? Isn't the presumption that a court appointed lawyer, where the law provides an impoverished defendat with a lawyer, will be paid by the state or the court or, at most, equivalent to the court rates (about $25/hr)?

2. Also, in Lousiana, it is expected that lawyers will do a certain amt of pro bono work every year - how would you work that in to the argument? or should I just file a complaint with the Bar and be done?

3. I think I could show that BM is not, in fact, impoverished - perhaps through affidavits related to the contents of her storage unit or following the money trail (MAYBE $2-3K out there somewhere). Is this worth it and would it, if successcul, in fact, invalidate the entire effort since those were the grounds on which her lawyer was appointed and we moved forward?

This is all taking place in Louisiana. I am the SM and want to adopt my two skids ages 14 and 16 (17 in January). I already have CO'd physical and legal custody of them after the department of social services gave them to us (they were removed from her custody by social services when she was arrested). BM is in jail in a county four hours away for attempting to murder them both in that county (she plead guilty about four years ago).

She writes to them monthly - they almost never write back. She also doesn't pay CS and we never tried to get a CS order, since she's in jail. We've been in therapy for ages, she's never (to our knowledge) sought any mental health assistance while in jail.

She'll be in jail until 2013 or so - long after both skids are out of high school. We sent paperwork for her to voluntarily sign for adoption, which she refused to do. She wants her daughter (my SD) to write and tell her if adoption is what she (SD) wants or not. My SS (the older child) did send a note telling her it's what he wants. We don't think SD should have to write a letter to her like that even tho SD does want it - she is afraid of her mother, understandably.

We are filing to terminate her rights based on what she went to jail for (attempting to murder them) which under La. law is possible grounds for involuntary termination of rights. My questions are:

1. Would you encourage SD to write a her a note - something brief - in the hopes that BM actually would sign, if she got such a letter? Or would that be pressuring SD?

2. What can BM do to fight the termination?

3. Can the fact that BM at one point wanted phone contact with the kids but we changed the phone number to avoid that work against us, in terms of interfering with her contact with her children (even tho she tried to kill them)?

because BM obviously rewards the bad things she says about you. But I'd tell it like it is - say you know she feels some pressure sometimes to make BM happy by making you look bad but that it's really wrong to make things up, even if it relieves that pressure a bit, so it's best just to say "I'd rather not talk about that right now" instead. That's what I would go with.

It's hard to get kids out of the lying habit (esp when they are rewarded somehow), but you do have to speak up.

your gf.

I don't think you should cut down on your time, btw (EOW is not very much, really), but it IS a delicate balancing act. One way to handle it would be to be firm with both females about how things will happen - your gf needs to know that you will NOT give up time with your D and that in addition, you and your D will do one on one things to establish a ritual Dad/daughter time together (like lunch every Saturday or morning walks or whatever). But when all three of you are together, try to pay attention to what your D might be doing that could be adding to the problem - does she insist on sitting in your lap ALL the time? When you all walk together, is it you holding hands with your D and your gf forced to walk behind? If you go to kiss your gf, does your D insist you kiss her too? If you are all three at McDonald's or somewhere eating, does your D talk only to you and sit so your gf is basically looking at her back (cutting her out)? One thing my DH did with me and my SD (now my adopted D) was tell her repeatedly - because she did things like insist on a kiss if I got one, or a "date" if we went out - that he loved us both but that they are different kinds of love, and not in competition - he would remind her that one day she will grow up and have a husband of her own, but he and I will still be together. It is not unusual for daughters to feel competitive with their father's new love, and that can add a lot of strain. Add to that you are not divorced from her Mom and there is a new baby on the way already . . .and your D also has a lot that could be causing her to do little things to your gf that you might not even be aware of at this point. Men, I have found, don't always "see" the games women play (and believe me, your D can play them too!) I'm sure there is an element of not wanting to share you in your gf's request, but it might be that she just finds your D is unpleasant to be around because she radiates some level of tension. I agree that you should also try to be as excited about this pg as your gf is and when you talk about how the baby will be raised and cared for, try as much as possible NOT to refer to how your D was raised as a good example. As in "Oh, when DD was a baby, we always used to read to her every night, and that really helped her." Seems pretty normal, but in this minefield of your life, a statement like that is a ticking bomb. Much better to phrase it in a general sense, like "I really believe in spending time reading to kids, don't you?"

It might also help to remind your gf that having a strong father daughter relationship can really make a difference in the long run with things she really won't want to deal with, like teen pregnancy. Girls who are close to their fathers are less likely to start having sex early, they act out less and generally do better in school - all things that will actually make your gf's longterm life a lot easier. Maybe you can give your gf a role in your relationship, like taking photos for scrapbooking or helping you think of things girls might like to do with their dads. Also, if your gf does something nice (anything, no matter how small - driving her to the mall, buying Cherios so she'll have them for breakfast, whatever) for your D (or vice versa, D for your gf) make a point of pointing it out and praising it. Yes, it seems like overkill, but you have a job here too - to help build the relationship with your D and gf.

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Once she's been with you a year, you should definitely do this. Meanwhile, call the phone company and see what the legal # of phone calls per day is to start filing harassment. She should only call once, to talk to her child. Otherwise, it's harassment. Caller ID and voice mail have saved my sanity over the years, frankly . . . .

I don't think that there is any real problem with you acting on his behalf when it comes to scheduling and the like, but unless the POA is specific to custody issues, then it won't work when it comes to the kids themselves. You can't use a general POA to cover decisions regarding the kids. Now, decisions about what classes they should be taking or medical decisions shouldn't be made by you . . . but who you contact at the court about the legal business and so on is really between you and him. I had a similar problem with the BM in our situation when she was CP. She used to refer to me as DH's "little secretary" (that started when I dropped of a copay for therapy to the therapist's office while DH was out of town - you'd think she would have appreciated them not bugging her about payments, but no) . . . . but it's just emotional blackmail. Ignore it. I would, however, insist that your husband start communicating directly with her rather then leaving it up to you.