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I don't want to be his mom- but i have been  the kids' step mom for just over 9 yrs.  they've lived full time with us for 8 of those years.  so.... me and their dad will set down the rules and consequences together.  there are 4 kids total in this house and i will not take a step back with the step kids and have different rules for the others.  so rules will be made and things set with both me and the dad and the concquences will also be set.

thanks again for all those who posted...even if i didnt like them... it was still good things to hear.

I would totally take a step back being the step mom...BUT these kids live here full time.  It's not like they are just here every other weekend and thats it.  My daughter and my step daughter all follow the same rules... they have NO issues with it, sure they may not LIKE it, but they do it without giving me a hard time, or being rude about it.  They know that if they want the "special" things that they gotta help out around here.  I'm not going to just not be a parent to my step son cuz his dad isn't here.  That doesn't make sense to me.  I mean I get that dad has to step in and take part in the parenting.... BUT.... when he isn't here- what then?  The kids don't have to do chores?  What will that show to my daughter?  That it's ok not to listen to her step dad then? 

And I've told my step son...when he said he thinks if he behaves like this- he thinks he will get to go live with his mom.... I told him nope.  That, to me, would be taking the easy way out... almost like abandoning him.... that is what their mother did 8 years ago and why their dad got custody.  We won't be doing that, ever!
To me, when parents have rules that kids have to follow- that means they care about them and what happens and how they grow up.
I will definitly try some of those suggestions... but as far as me not doing anything- it won't happen.

Thanks for the help!

i agree- dont tell the mother.  we have had to do that too- not tell the kids until the day or so of something that is going on...weather it be as simple as taking them to a certain movie or whatever...then she'd take them to the same movie before we could.  its irritating. 

thanks for those last two posts about what i should do- and i will try both of those.  the thing is tho- at this point- my step son knows its a game.  and knows that when we go to dairy queen or go shopping- he thinks he will still the things the others get.  We've started saying no to those extra things for now.  We have told him when he does things without an arguement or being disrespectful- he will surely get the things too.  He of course gets mad and says it isnt fair that the girls get things but he doesnt....UNTIL he is reminded of his behavior earlier that day- then yea he understands.  he actually told me, he knows that he can be disrespectful to me and nothing will happen.  I get mad- and then feel bad for giving him his consquences so then i take it back and he laughs and did in fact tell me- its his game he likes to play...Great huh?  But we will definetly sit down and make a chore chart.  HE actually wrote out what conseqences should be for not following the rules(which he also wrote down).  so he knows...but like he says its a game to see how mad i can get at him...

Thank you for that idea having to do with chores.  That was the kind of advice i was looking for...not telling me that boys do NOT do dishes...
thanks again!

And as far as not doing the dishes my self...I do the laundry, cook all the meals, make snacks for all the kids, help with homework, clean the rest of this house without their help...and so on.  I think the kids CAN help with dishes- regaurdless of what sex they are.  If they can't do that then they can go get their meals elsewhere- and then there'll be less dishes to take care of.

ALL of the kids in this household will do chores- the chores that either me or the father ask.  I think it's pretty sexist to say that boys don't need to do dishes...why don't they?  I could really careless what you wanted to bring with you to college.  That has nothing to do with the topic I wrote about.  AT ALL! 
Each child has chores to do- and they know that if they won't do them- then there will be a consequence.  he has NO problem doing dishes usually- he was just feeling irritated for whatever reason that day- and thought his other siblings didn't helo with dishes either... after me explaining to him that they did what they were told to do already- then he did them.  It wasn't about not doing dishes...it was about it being "fair" .  If ANY of my kids here don't help- then they don't get to use MY tvs or my gaming systems...and actually- they have NO chores at their moms place...except keeping their rooms clean.  What is that going to teach them as they get older?  that if they don't wnna do something they are told to do- then thats ok?  i dont think so.

So my almost 12 yr old daughter hasnt seen her father since this last June... he is CA on "vacation".  Im not sure what from since he owes almost $23,000 in back support.  pretty sure he grows and sells drugs- but not 100% sure on that.
Anyways- he has left for several months at a time a few times before this.  He took her to the corner by the walmart in our town to ask for spare change (or pan handling as he calls it), his friend them both matching necklaces- made out of help for the necklace part and a blown glass pipe- yes for smoking weed with...and she brought it home and was so embarrassed to show me.

My question is this... should i allow him to visit with her when and if he comes back?  How do i explain to her i do not want her alone with him?  he doesnt have a drivers license because of lack of paying support- do i allow him to drive with her- what will happen?

So my husband (of almost 7 yrs) has had custody of his twins (12) for 8-ish years now.  They have known me and my daughter( almost 12 also) since they were all about 3yrs old.  I am having a VERY hard time with respect from my 12 yr old step son.  they visit their mom everyother weekend.  he doesnt seem to want to do anything i ask of him.  He actually told me that doing dishes is what the girls are to do.  He doesnt want to help with any chores- even tho both girls help even when they dont want to.  I have taken away all his privliages from him, and told him he earns them back as he does what hes told and can respect the adults in this house.  but he doesnt seem to care at all... their dad works 10 hour days 5 days a week- and isnt much help. i can NOT and will NOT ignore the situation...

PLEASE help me!

To make a long story short:  My husband gained custody of his twins about 7 yrs ago.  They are now 11 yrs old.  We moved to mankato in sept of 07.  it moved the kids about 100 miles from their mom.  we told her that we would drive 2/3 of the way on her weekends.  sometimes farther if we could do it.  within the past 2 weeks- she has moved 30 miles closer to us.  so we asked her to meet 1/2 way now.  (which is only 14 miles of a difference for her).  she threw a fit!  she has been calling the kids' father a stupid A$$ hole TO  the kids (not just in front of but TO).  she told them she wasnt going to pay for a mothers day gift from them for their "step B!tch" (me and also said that TO the kids).  Then asks the daughter if that hurts her feelings that she talks about us like that.... daughter said no it doesnt cuz (as the daughter states) shes afraid mom will start yelling and be mad at them.  the son- goes to her house and tells mom things (truths and lies) and told me that he does that so that she is "nicer" to him.  
Those are a few of the most recent issues.  she sends them home in clothes that are 2 sizes too small, she used to make them sleep together in the same bed- up until about a month ago.  when my hubby first asked her about it- she told the kids to lie(they did in fear of what she might say or do).  then we found out later on that she did that, and he once again confronted her. it finally stopped and then she moved.  
We are just sick of her and her crap.  it is so unhealthy for the kids to hear and see this kind of behavior.
is there anything we can do?