Messages

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Visitation Issues / RE: Great point Kitty! - nm

« on: Aug 29, 2008, 09:52:06 am »

Thanks for your reply! I think I will tell the mediator everything and I'll bring my documentation along. I am hoping I can tell her this stuff in private. But I suppose that isn't fair?

The father makes me feel like I should just know he is a good father and that my concern about alcohol, drugs, second hand smoke is just me being ridiculous, and controlling, mean person.

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Visitation Issues / RE: Great point Kitty! - nm

« on: Aug 29, 2008, 09:30:32 am »

You are exactly right about everything here. And how did you know that his work environment was conducive to drug and alcohol abuse?

When you say advisor/counselor what do you mean? My own lawyer besides the mediator? How would that help? Would that person talk to the mediator? Right now he has agreed to mediation, but in order to actually go to court he has to take me and I think he would prefer not to do that because he would be afraid of how it would turn out.

I did talk to a lawyer twice about my situation. She told me that since I have full custody, I can do whatever I want and in her opinion I shouldn't let the dad have him at all that according to her he should only have supervised visitation.

But that didn't work of course because it wasn't court ordered and he doesn't respect me. In my state, he has to take me to court to get visitation rights otherwise he doesn't have any innately.

I guess earlier in my posts when I referenced him as a good dad, I think that is because he contacts me every day to see my son. That's good, right? But it is not good for me or for moving on with my life, and I don' t know sometimes if he wants to see our son, or me, or get me upset. As Davy said, I am confused, I definitely want to do the right thing, and I want to trust that the dad will not put our son in danger, and be willing to listen to some guidelines I put in place - mainly about safety issues, nutrition and absolutely no second hand smoke.

Those would also be the reasons I wouldn't want him to watch him 8 -9 hours a day. I think he would get bored and start driving around with S. illegally to his friends house, who would smoke around him, probably cigarettes and pot and just aren't people I think my son should be around.

I realize that is my opinion, I realize I got myself into this with him, and I take responsibility for that but at the same time, I am going to do everything I can to keep my son safe and give him a chance at life that doesn't involve substance abuse etc.

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Visitation Issues / RE: Great point Kitty! - nm

« on: Aug 28, 2008, 02:22:48 pm »

Thanks again for your replies. I understand what Kitty is saying, and I'm dealing with things best I can - for example, I started doing all drop off and pick up and started taking his car seat with me so he won't have that in case he decided to drive. I really don't think he would drive with him not in his car seat. The drug I found, and the only drug I think he does is pot - which is not good but not the worst. He told me that he quit after I found it and that he wouldn't do it again, in his words, he is happy I found it because it gave him a wake up call. IMO those are the words of a chemically dependent man, and I don' t know whether to believe him or not.

My state is South Dakota. People around here haven't even heard of mediation. I found two mediators that are court approved in my town. I gave him a choice of the two of them but I haven't heard back. Mediation is not required.

So, do I tell our mediator everything I've told you here? The father would be soooo mad at me if I told about the pot, illegal driving etc. But, that is why I want to go... to lay it all out there so I'm not the one in charge anymore because its driving me crazy.

Also, one more thing I am conflicted on that might come up in mediation. The father has all winter off work. He expects to hang out with our son all day long. I don' t know if that is in our son's best interest, but don't feel comfortable openly saying that. In most visitation schedules, if the ncp doesn't work, can he tell me that he wants me to fire the daycare and he will watch him all day every day? What happens to the visitation schedule then?

Thanks again in advance for your time !!!!

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Visitation Issues / RE: Great point Kitty! - nm

« on: Aug 28, 2008, 08:31:25 am »

Thanks Ref and Kitty. Today I called Our Clerk of Courts and Judicial System office to try to find mediators (they are not much help but I am waiting for a call back)

I feel like I will start with mediation. At least then I can tell all this information to someone and they can help me process it and we can go from there. Mediation might not be the answer for us, we might have to use the courts because we are so at odds, and he won't even talk to me anymore. I think he's mad that I mean business this time!

I am documenting the best I can. In the past I just documented when something dramatic happened, but now I will try to do every day.

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Visitation Issues / RE: What schedule does he want?

« on: Aug 27, 2008, 01:52:44 pm »

I personally think he is being difficult, and the reason I believe that is because of his attitude when we talk or hash things out. He is very disrespectful and has no problem arguing in front of our son, which I will not tolerate. He accuses me daily of trying to keep our son from him, and that is clearly not true as he has honestly seen him every day since he was born, except for the last week and a half when I tried to get him to follow a schedule - so there was about 3 days when he didn't see him last week.

I have dealt with a lot of issues in the last month - safety issues like tobacco smoke in the home, I've done a lot of the transportation but the dad has also driven him illegally places and I've been powerless to stop it. (I would never call the cops on him, I'm trying to keep some goodwill) He has broken into my home and actually taken my son from me while breastfeeding. He has kicked things in my house and outside my house, thrown tantrums several times and called me really dirty names. He brought illegal drugs into my home. So, through it all I've been trying to deal with this and be as fair as I can be because I do believe he is a good dad despite all evidence pointing to the contrary! A lot of people think I'm letting him walk all over me. I'm conflicted to say the least!

He wants a schedule that splits the time 50% including overnights. I want the schedule we're currently on. Or that I'm trying to implement.

I think mediation is a good idea, but I'm not sure how that works in our state. I assume we both together hire a lawyer and meet with them?

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Visitation Issues / RE: The best thing for you IMO

« on: Aug 27, 2008, 10:37:57 am »

Thanks so much for your response :) I really appreciate it. I have studied several parenting plans, including my states visitation guidelines, which are really a mess. They are all across the board, leaving many details to be worked out. This is the schedule I set, and he is upset about it and gives me a hard time about it daily. Alternating evenings each week - M, W, F one week and T, Th the next and a 6 hour weekend visit.

I really don't feel ready to let him go overnight yet. He does not sleep through the night and I'm still breastfeeding, although I started weaning. I will not/do not / can not pump by the way. (It is ridiculous to me that men expect women to pump - it is cruel and unusual in my opinion and as hard as I tried I never did get very much milk pumping.)

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Visitation Issues / RE: New mom to this site

« on: Aug 27, 2008, 07:20:09 am »

Ummm thanks for your reply but we were never married and have no desire to be married. That would not be in our son's best interest. I simply want to set a fair visitation schedule. He lives maybe 10 minutes away from me.

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Visitation Issues / New mom to this site

« on: Aug 26, 2008, 02:29:53 pm »

Hi everyone, I am trying to set a visitation schedule with dad for 6 month old. What do you think is appropriate for 6 months considering:

1) Dad hasn't had overnights yet, and I feel like one overnight a week would be ok.

2) Dad has had 3 DUI arrests, and currently does not have a license so I have to do all driving for visits.

3) For at least for the next 4 months I know he isn't drinking because he gets 2 breathalyzer tests a day. He also has a history of marijuana use, and I have no idea whether he uses or not.

4) He wants as much visits as possible. So do I!

5) Dad works from 7 am until 7 pm Mon - Friday and also Saturday mornings. I work full time, but get off work at 5 pm.

It's been really frustrating to set a schedule. I have full custody, and so I do get to set a schedule. If he doesn't like it, we can either work together or he can take me to court. I would rather do it ourselves of course. My goals are to provide a solid schedule for our son so he knows what to expect, and feels secure, but I also need to make dad happy otherwise he will make my life hell.

He has seen my son about ever day since he was born 6 months ago. Either at my house or I will drop him off at his. I feel like it is really time to set a schedule because we argue a lot and that is not good for our son. Also, it is time for us to move on in our lives since we are not going to be a couple.

Thanks so much, sorry this is so long.