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Yep..... no domestic violence but definitely yes on her screaming, making demands, and walking out of previous mediations.  My brother who is a doctor is convinced she's borderline.  And no I've never mentioned in court-but have to my attorney just so he has a feel of what we're up against.  The knowledge has also helped me get sucked into her unreality.

I have an open mind--- but I'm not prepared to roll over and become a distant memory in our daughter's life which is what she wants. She wants me out of her life period and so far I've offset her alienation attempts because I have frequent contact----but she's using her starting school to try to cut my time with d to under a 1/3 of what I've had the last three years.

My attorney used to be a judge.  And I hear what you're saying about confidential mediation.  It either was successful or not---but he says if one of us doesn't mediate in good faith---off the record the other judge will know.

Thanks for the heads up on signing anything.

Any other guidance and suggestions are welcomed and appreciated.

Thanks

Ok we live in a small juridiction. Two judges and a special master who handle family cases and two mediators. One of the mediators was our initial one and bm walked out after 5 minutes when he told her we'd both have to make compromises. (By the way, mediation is confidential in our district) The other mediator used to be our parenting coordinator until she quit.

So d will be going to school in August. We have joint custody but she's residential and they live 2+ hrs away. So her attorney contacts me and wants to know if I would agree to mediation (which our order states we must do) with the judge who is not the judge assigned to our case. I consult two attorneys (my former one retired) Both are stating I pretty much need to agree to this and the 2nd is trying to see what parameters her attorney is suggesting. (with or without attorneys present) Now when we mediated before we were both in a room together and it was a disaster but I guess that when the judges do this (and in thisjuridiction it isn't common for this particular process to be done for family cases) we're put in separate rooms and the judge goes back and forth and triesto get an agreement mediated and from what I'm told kind of using strong arm tactics.

Second attorney tells me I wil need to make a conscious effort to mediate but I don't have to agree to anything but in this case if one party doesn't negotiate in good faith our judge of record will know it.

So for anyone who has been in this type of mediation----I'm asking for guidance. I've got a written proposal I submitted to her that she refused outright. I have a lot of documentation---pretty relevant documentation---do I go in with it? Or do I just go in with 2 or 3 scenarios I can live with and leave it at that? I layed out my case to have custody reversed and he said he doesn't see it happening just based on that but if she refuses to mediate in good faith it could swing my direction but first things first. For anyone that's been there done that any guidance and insight would be appreciated.

Originally I paid ex child support directly but that was before we had an order.  I know I took a chance on it being considered a gift but the fact that I indicated on the check it was child support and the date saved me.

So when the order came through for me to pay the state directly for the child support, I walked in the local office and visited with them about it.  How reviews are done, how often, etc.  They were helpful.  So 2 months later after I started a new job I get notice that I'm being garnished.  I was current and always had been so I was a little peeved thinking ex had gone to cse and requested garnishment.  I found out later that wasn't the case.  In my state, if an employer has 20 or more employees they have to report all new hires to the state.  I guess so they can cross-check to see if there is an active child support case. 

I would either go into my local office and/or call the main office at the state capital.  Anytime I've called they've been friendly and helpful.  I'd also ask for guidance on how to handle your ex's actions and let them know it isn't just you being harassed but your employer.  They may have suggestions or possibly intercede on you're behalf.  If you can't file a complaint with them I'd find out if my employer could.

I know here though that the state made it clear to me that if you're being garnished and you change jobs and your garnishment doesn't cover your obligation for the full month's support order---you need to be checking on it and send the difference in directly before it's due.  Say you switch jobs at the beginning of the month so former employer isn't going to garnish enough to cover and new garnishment order isn't in place--they let me know it was up to me to be sure that my obligation for the month was met.  Once I didn't think it was going to meet it and I sent in the difference.  A garnishment came in but not enough to cover what would have been owed and I now carry a small credit forward every month.

Sounds like a lot of people of her number.  That really is a good thing.  I'm shaking my head here that it's nice they got it right (that doesn't always happen). 

A precedent has been set now if he's got her 4 days a week and is transporting her to school everyday.  That's going to be hard to change.

Congratulations.

You say they are working through a mediator?  If they can't mediate this thing if it works there like it does in my juridiction they'll be heading to court.

I'd be going back and gathering all the financial records I could showing what has been done outside of child support.  Also if there are people especially those outside of the family who can attest ( and may be willing to testify) to his involvement that would be great.  Your family can provide testimony to his relationship with her and with the family but if there is a family minister, daycare provider, neighbors or friends who have witnessed the closeness with your brother and your family it could be helpful.

Secondly, if he has anything in writing (letter, email, saved text, etc) or if you know someone she has stated to or in front of that she doesn't want him involved and wants the new boyfriend to be "daddy" it could be very valuable.  Do they currently communicate directly in anyway?  If so, if it's by phone and your state allows one party recording, I'd jump on that.  Same way if they meet in person, it would be a good idea for him to always have a digital recorder on him.  I got one at Radio Shack that is date and time stamped and allows you to download to a computer.  Also, I'd be going through any pictures or home movies that have been taken when bm was there with daughter and with daughter alone over the past 4 years showing it wasn't a problem until the new guy showed up.

It sounds like the bm is getting on the "health professional" bandwagon.  So she has an expert witness to back up her claims that it isn't in daughter's best interest to spend time with her dad for any reason.  This is not good.  It's surprising how some of these professionals can be sucked in based on only a onesided story.  It damaged my case but it could've been much worse as some steps were taken to head off at least some of the damage.  I'd be sure my attorney (if it comes to that) is fully aware of this.  My attorney was aware as I told him and he blew it off and it came back to bite us.

I'd say one way you may be able to help is by doing what you're doing here-----getting input and perspective.  Also, you might serve him well by doing all the research you can about your state's statutes on custody and more importantly your district courts statutes.  I found the default parenting plan for my district on line. This can be very time consuming and at times draining.  Some of my family helped me with it.  We kept a three ring binder which we then copied for my attorney. 

As a ncp (father) maybe I can share my perspective a little here.  I absolutely hate having discussions at exchanges without prior warning when our child present.  It catches me off guard and I feel ambushed. I would prefer email discussions or at least a heads up by email or text that she would like to discuss a named "specific" matter regarding our daughter at the next exchange.  D is five (but even going back to when she was 2 & 3)even if she's in the vehicle out of earshot, she's very aware and conscious of her mother's moods and expressions and in my case her need to have complete control.   I've stepped back in the vehicle to have my daughter ask me if I'm in trouble.  Her mom has a tendency to berate and lecture me in front of our daughter and yes I have been know to turn and walk away as well.

We tried the communication book but mom insisted I hand write everything rather than type things and insert them in the book.  So she refused to continue using it because of that.  Whatever. 

Nothing against you and I'm certainly not saying your are like her. 

Thanks for all the replies and guidance.  First of all she moved, not me which isn't necessarily here nor there but with that move she really sought to reduce my parenting time.  Instead I gained a fraction. I can see advantages to both schedules.  I currently have the first three weekends a month from Thursday 4pm until Sunday 5 pm and a Wednesday overnight on the 4th but nothing on 5 weekend months.  I'm supposed to be able to have 2 hr visits with 48 hrs notice provided it doesn't interfere w/set family plans.  Amazing how it always does unless it's on a five weekend month and even then it's never guaranteed.  She has been admonished twice in court for not co-parenting but so far no sanctions.  I get a full week during Christmas and an extra overnight on what would be fall break week and spring break week.  Nothing extra in the summer was ordered. This was done when dd was 2 and part of the reason I didn't get more at the time was because of a psychologist basically testifying to her being too young to being away from mom more than that. Which no longer should apply.

I finally was able to download a copy of the schedule for the school.  They start in Mid-July.  They have many of the traditional days off  Labor Day, President's Day, MLK, and 3 days during Thanksgiving.  They often have a Friday off for "common planning or p/t conferences on a Friday preceeding a Monday holiday. They have a handful where they get Friday or Monday or just go a 1/2  day which means there are some periods there to extend weekend visits. They have 3 weeks off in the fall, 12 actual school days off during Christmas, and 3 weeks off in the Spring.  And they start their 6 week Summer break on June 2nd.

So ever since we got our original order & the updated one when she moved she has stated many times that I need to enjoy it now because when school time comes around I can count on being eow with no other considerations.  We'll see (God, I hope that never happens) but I don't jump to her bait.

So with a standard school week, I'd be losing 4 overnights a month which in my situation of constant alienation (which much of which can be documented) is significant.

Now after doing research on the school though I've got new concerns.  Of the 26 elementary schools in that district the one where bm mentioned dd would be going is rated the lowest.  They didn't meet any of the thresholds for reading or math (of course testing doesn't start until 3rd grade but it's all I have to go on) and they weren't really even close.  In checking further where they break down the test score between male & female and they break it down by ethnic groups, none of the sub-groups met any thresholds either.  So I checked the boundaries and this is the school for their area. Yet when she brought it up she indicated this was her school choice?  I'm sure she hasn't checked anything though it's just the closest to their home.  So I'm going to be checking to see what the options are within the district.  I'll do so as a person planning to move into the area with general questions.  I have family that works within the district here so I know how it works here but I know these things could maybe vary district to district.

With this information based on what she emails me,  I'm really thinking of petitioning for dd to go to school here but I'll have to speak to an attorney to see whether I have a leg to stand on. If not then I plan to request every weekend and if it involves a Friday or Monday off I'm going to request the weekend be extended. Then I'm going to request during the breaks that we go a week on/week off.  So the fall break one of us gets 2 weeks the other one and the spring break would be the opposite and we'd split summer exactly.   I don't expect to get every weekend and don't even necessarily thinks it's fair but I'd be willing to negotiate a 5-1 or possibly even a 4-1 if it came to an agreement in mediation which it won't because she won't mediate anything.  I've always been told to ask for the moon and hope you get more than standard and so far I have. 

So any input or guidance is appreciated.  Feedback will tell me if I'm off base here.

So dd will be starting kindergarten this next year.  Ex brings it up at the last exchange and I hate having these conversations with dd present or even within earshot or view because she's too aware of any conflict.  She is constantly watching her mom to gauge her mood.  She wants me to make schedule suggestions on the spot which I'm at a loss to do without more information so I ask her to send me an email.   
Anyway, ex mentions that it's her intention to enroll dd in year round schooling as that is the closest school to her home.  I'm in the process of researching and found it's actually .6 of a mile from their home and there is another elementary that is not year round and actually has higher ratings that is .7 of a mile.  As a reminder we live approx 2 1/2 hrs away from each other.  The year round school would start in July the other in August.  I was really kind of hoping we could delay addressing this until the first of May when I'm out of school.  Court crap is so stressful and my grades always suffer when we're in litigation.
I've requested information from the year round school but would like some input from the fine members here of the ups and downs of both and any problems or preferences.  I haven't lived anywhere where there was year round schooling so how does the scheduling usually work?  I'd also appreciate any suggestions about parenting schedules and such.  This is going to be a new world and I don't want to mess this up as I'll probably have to live with it for an extended time since it's hard to get anything changed once it's in an order.  Ex just isn't going to cut me any slack at all (still).
So any information and/or suggestions would be appreciated and anything you can share that you've experienced when the kids started school that I need a heads up on.
Thanks