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Messages - Marsha

Pages: 12 3
Father's Issues / Re: Not sure what to think.....
« on: Feb 22, 2009, 05:04:09 PM »
It sounds to me like you need some time alone to try to get more clear on how to handle your time with your kids.  For everyone's sake.  Then set that out to everyone...see how it goes?  Since you only see your kids every other weekend, I personally believe its super important, even if you get married, to always have special private time alone with your kids, and even time with each individual child if possible.  Perhaps you can work out a comprimise of a good dose of time with your kids....they deserve that, and then some fun time with your girlfriend where your all doing a activity everyone can enjoy.  In the end, its up to you to decide what works for YOU, what you think is best for you and your kids...they come first...and go from there.

As far as parenting, I can wholeheartedly say that I know my daughter thrives off it when I set clear boundries and consequences and stick to them.  Kids NEED boundries to be healthy...and I have never experienced her loving me less as a result of having boundries.  I'm not saying I don't have to endure her tantrums, mean words sometimes, her angst...it tears me up inside...but when I stick to my word, she always gets over it...quicker than I usually think (I think it takes ME longer to recover frankly), and life goes back to whats next...

Second Families / Re: Another update on frustrated newbie.
« on: Feb 22, 2009, 04:53:47 PM »

I've been reading your posts.  You sound like you are trying hard to have a healthy relationship with this man, and being as supportive of him as you can.  I have my own opinions/preferences, and I also know we are all different in what personalities work for us.  I am personally afraid of "pleasers", which is sounds like this man is, because its simply hard for me to be a 'strong woman' with a man who is not strong in himself, i.e. on his own is willing and able to set good boundries for himself, etc.

With complete due respect to you, it seems to me you are taking on the role of therapist and/or mother with this beloved boyfriend.  I hope you don't mind my saying that.  The only reason I do is because while clearly the boyfriend is showing a specific personality trait, as is his youngster, you are playing a part in this puzzle, despite your good boundries in letting him be with his kids alone on his parenting time.

I think this guy needs to work out his parenting issues on his own, and not make them a condition of his success with you as a boyfriend.  Thats setting up a relationship where his parenting behavior is based on your approval.

I hope I haven't said too much, if I have I am sorry.  I just see, what looks like to me,a unhealthy pattern that I don't see withstanding the possibility of a healthy long term relationship.

Father's Issues / Re: Need some quick advise ... Please reply
« on: Feb 22, 2009, 04:42:21 PM »
Well, I am a bit lost as to you not getting more time the last time you were out of work, or not working much.  I know every state is diff.  I am in CA, and my ex (the dad) took me back to court tons of time, each time he would get more time with child...CA is very 50/50 oriented.  So you not getting that privaledge is confusing to me.

Insofar as childsupport, I am no expert there either and I don't know how the unemployment status would look...again, here child support is handled completely separately, a diff motion has to be filed, its in a diff court room, etc....completely separate from any custody and visitation issues.  So I get your concerns, as your case has become complex with all the changes up and down in your employment, income, etc.

I DO know, again here in CA, that my ex in child support court requested I be imputed full-time income which the judge was only too willing to grant.  Here, you could request around child support that mom be imputed a full time wage at her job as an RN.  If she is not currently working you can request that she complete a job search, in which she has a certain period of time to seek jobs and prove that no one is hiring her to get off. 

So I guess your back to square A as to when to file, now, or when this job is finished.

Custody Issues / Re: Is joint custody something to consider/do?
« on: Feb 21, 2009, 10:46:05 PM »
From what I have heard, since its a conflicted relationship, as the girlfriend or stepmom, I would stay way out of it.  Let dad do all the communicating.

One recommendation made to me and my ex, we are also in a high conflict relationship, is instead of phonecalls, to email.  It still sucks, there are constant hurts and disappointments, but the emails do take a lot of the charge out of the communicating with him.  Also, it is a paper trail when court comes around, some level of documentation.

Whenever dad ends up back in court, he may want to request it be put in the court order that the children are allowed daily telephonic contact, and they be allowed privacy.

Father's Issues / Re: Searching for my son...
« on: Feb 21, 2009, 10:33:33 PM »
Who are the "several people" who make allegations about the mom, this far away?  Do you have friends there?  How come they can't give you her address?

Father's Issues / Re: Need some quick advise ... Please reply
« on: Feb 21, 2009, 10:21:55 PM »

You said your new schedule is 4pm on, and thats Monday through Thursday...how do you gather you have Thursday nights free?  Just trying to be clear here.

I don't have much more to offer.  I liked the suggestion of going for a modification.  And the idea of proposing three weekends a month.  However, I would ask for something the empty weekend so its not two weeks once a month, that you don't see each other.  So maybe a Friday night that weekend.  Or two weekends a month...Friday and you take child to school in the morning, and the other weekends...one overnight. 

Part of this is clarifying in court that this schedule is temporary...and what the future looks like, and to negotiate a more balanced schedule for that time.

Do you have court ordered mediation in your state?  If so, then you and mom can discuss your schedules then.   The hope would be that it gets written in the order a temp schedule, and a more long term revised schedule.  ?

Visitation Issues / Re: illness
« on: Feb 21, 2009, 10:02:35 PM »
I am confused about your legal status.  Obviously you are recognized as the dad by mom.

Were you married?  Are there any custody and visitation court orders?  If so, what is your legal custody?  When you say "since court not done yet we can't have him treated yet"...what do you mean?  Have you been told by the courts not to take child to a doctor?  I would think any parent with visitation rights has the right, even obligation, to take the child to the emergency room if needed.  Unless you have been told by the courts specifically not to, I would request of mom the childs medical information so that you can do  so.

A suggestion I have learned from hard experience, try to get your communications with mom in email form.  That way they are more objective and you have a paper trail when court comes around, if needed.  Of course this excludes parents making a phone call in the event of illness.  That way MOM could have written you before the transition that two year old is sick, and you can be forewarned.  Any flack you've gotten from her could be had over email...and therefore cannot be twisted around in court to her favor.

I think you did fine (I was happy to learn about the pediasure...had no idea), you treated the child, you kept contact with mom, sent the child back when unsure.  The only thing you didn't  do was give the child enough liquids, which now you know.  But you DID still take care of the child by returning him to mom.  So you did not neglect him. 

I do agree with Gemini, sometimes the best defense (since mom is a pill around your involvement and will make problems) is to go the other way and be proactive.  If you took a first aid class you would look like a champ in court.

Visitation Issues / Re: when is the child put first?
« on: Feb 21, 2009, 09:41:44 PM »
Agree with the advice given you.  My daughters father takes poor care of her, she is now going on ten, and I just have to suck it up.  The courts see time with the mother and father as paramount, and unless there is neglect or abuse going on (even been some of that...no biggie), they don't look at the smaller stuff.  While big to you, it IS a difference in parenting styles...many parents raise their kids on sugar, dairy (do agree with the poster to get a doctors note), strange bedtimes.  I am still dealing with handling "transition days" with kid gloves...the courts don't give a crap about her best interests - her emotional and psychological state of mind.   The courts aren't really equipped to go there, they don't know our kids.

However, it sounds like dad keeps taking mom to court right?  My ex did the same.  Every time things were tough here for her because of the last round of court ordered changes for her.  So each time I attempted change where I could.  She can request to be able to call and say goodnight to daughter, she can request to be notified of caretakers (not sure if the court would grant that or not), can request communication weekly with dad as to childs welfare...perhaps email.  She can ask, if she wants it, court ordered coparent counseling with dad for a set period of time.  All of this can be done in a responsive declaration when dad files a motion.  No, there is not nearly enough for mom to file her own motion, but she can get her two cents worth in when dad files.  Hope that helps.

I thought it was a bit more cut and dry than that.  If a dad loses his job, and goes back to child support court, he would get a cut in child support, but also be ordered to actively search for a job.  So if dad has to get a job making minimum wage, then the courts would simply impute that amount.

I do know my ex took our case back to cs court way back...he took a lesser paying job (all jobs through his family so oh well)...and the courts were totally fine with imputing his new wage.

Per dads' request, they also imputed my pt income as a housecleaner to full time.  Even though I have had doctors notes (at this court date I did not have a current enough one...it was over six months old...and my doctor did not specify exactly what she meant by I should work only pt due to numerous back injuries)so that I am imputed at way more than I actually make.

One thing I have never understood about child support is that they do not calculate how much of a mortgage or rent one pays.  One friend has got in a major jam...his mortgage went up...he was working his butt off at a high stress job, no vacations, etc...his ex had moved in with a man who makes big bucks...they take luxery vacations all the time...are now contemplating putting a pool in the yard.  This friend is understandably bitter...and I just don't get how come CA does not calculate into its child support imputations what money HAS to go out every month just to have a roof over the childs head????

Where I live, no one can touch a basic, no frills two bedroom house...for rent...for under $1400...and most one bedrooms are running at a minimum of $900 and up...thats if your lucky.  And folks here are getting laid off like anywhere else...I clean for a living and have lost several clients the past two years due to people having to foreclose on homes, etc.

Its not good.  Sorry so long.

Father's Issues / Re: Need some quick advise ... Please reply
« on: Feb 18, 2009, 06:17:26 PM »
How long do you anticipate working the new schedule...before you get the unemployment deal?

What are mom's work hours...is she able to care for the child after school on your workdays?

What has been your visitation schedule up until now?  How much time will you 'lose'?  And, is this visitation schedule what is in the court order?

You said four days a week, which days of the week?

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